frequency of sex: the numbers

[dinoguy]

I am a new member, but looking over the threads I see a number of them related to sexuality and the dissatisfaction of the wife or husband regarding this. One thing I have not seen is any data related to what is average regarding frequency of sex.

A web search will show a bunch of results, but here are two:

From Ladies Home Journal, 1991, quoting a University of Chicago study:
Age 18-29- --- 78 times per year
age 30-39----- 78 times per year
age 40-49----- 67 times per year
age 50-59----- 46 times per year
age 60-69------23 times per year
age 70 + --------8 times per year

and from the kinseyinstitute.org website:

18-29 year olds have sex an average of 112 times per year,
30-39 year olds an average of 86 times per year, and
40-49 year olds an average of 69 times per year (Mosher, Chandra, Jones 2005).

While average does not mean "normal," it is a guide to what works for most people. So it seems to me that if a couple in their 20's or 30's is only having sex once a month, something is clearly unusual about that and it is not unreasonable to ask what is going on that makes it that way.

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

As I've said in similarly worded posts you've made, if this is you, ask yourself "why?"

 

[felix]

While average does not mean "normal," it is a guide to what works for most people. So it seems to me that if a couple in their 20's or 30's is only having sex once a month, something is clearly unusual about that and it is not unreasonable to ask what is going on that makes it that way.

Nothing is unusual as long as you and your spouse feel it is normal. There is no rule that anyone must have sex so many times a year to be normal. It is the love that primarily binds a husband and wife and not sex. Sex actually adds strength to the binding. As long as you and your spouse are happy, why do you even worry about?

 

[dinoguy]

As I've said in similarly worded posts you've made, if this is you, ask yourself "why?"

Can you please reword your question so it makes sense?

 

[farouk]

"Hey, Darling, we better help the statistics..."

I don't know anyone who thinks this way, and if I did, they wouldn't tell me anyway.

 

[dinoguy]

My thinking is that we are biological organisms and things in nature have a natural rhythum to them. Most people eat 3 meals a day, sleep 6-8 hrs per night, and take 2-3 wks vacation per year.
There are people who sleep only 4 hrs, eat only 1 or 2 meals per day, and never go on vacation. And they will probably not live as long as the average person.
I think it is worth knowing what works for most individuals of our species.

I think if both partners are happy with their situation, frequency of sex is a non-issue. I am addressing the people who are not happy with it.

And I agree that this forum cannot take the place of professional counseling. But it can help people to realize that they do in fact need it. If a person is unhappy with twice a year sex, knowing that he or she is way off the curve can help them to realize their unhappiness is not unreasonable and they will feel more empowered to see a counselor.

I disagree with Edward. "Sex sells" in advertising because people are in fact interested in it. If they weren't companies would not use it because it would not increase their sales.

 

[farouk]

My thinking is that we are biological organisms and things in nature have a natural rhythum to them. Most people eat 3 meals a day, sleep 6-8 hrs per night, and take 2-3 wks vacation per year.
There are people who sleep only 4 hrs, eat only 1 or 2 meals per day, and never go on vacation. And they will probably not live as long as the average person.
I think it is worth knowing what works for most individuals of our species.

I think if both partners are happy with their situation, frequency of sex is a non-issue. I am addressing the people who are not happy with it.

And I agree that this forum cannot take the place of professional counseling. But it can help people to realize that they do in fact need it. If a person is unhappy with twice a year sex, knowing that he or she is way off the curve can help them to realize their unhappiness is not unreasonable and they will feel more empowered to see a counselor.

I disagree with Edward. "Sex sells" in advertising because people are in fact interested in it. If they weren't companies would not use it because it would not increase their sales.

I don't agree that it is directly comparable with physical hunger. If a person doesn't eat, the longer time the lack of food lasts, the more hungry s/he becomes.

But regarding marital relations, it's not simply a physical thing; tied in is a host of issues such as affection, respect, patience and so forth. The desire for it does not follow a pattern like that of physical hunger. I think the comparison actually causes a lot of problems, when one spouse just takes the attitude, satisfy me pronto!

 

[dinoguy]

I don't agree that it is directly comparable with physical hunger. If a person doesn't eat, the longer time the lack of food lasts, the more hungry s/he becomes.

But regarding marital relations, it's not simply a physical thing; tied in is a host of issues such as affection, respect, patience and so forth. The desire for it does not follow a pattern like that of physical hunger. I think the comparison actually causes a lot of problems, when one spouse just takes the attitude, satisfy me pronto!

You and I seem to have had different experiences and known different people. For ones i know there is a relationship between when they were last intimate and how much they want it.

 

[dinoguy]

Dino, He is asking you if "a couple in their 20's or 30's is only having sex once a month" is your case, then ask yourself why.

TND seems to assume that EVERYTHING I post applies to me personally. It doesn't.
My personal story would only be one data point, anecdotal information, as we call it, and of little interest.
Only when my perceptions have been supported by the experience of others is it worth saying anything.

 

[farouk]

You and I seem to have had different experiences and known different people. For ones i know there is a relationship between when they were last intimate and how much they want it.

d: Well, I can't really comment on the folk you may know.

 

[farouk]

But people are interested in it because they have advertised it so much and it has changed peoples perceptions to it. Iy may not be exactly like hunger but is inasmuch as it is a natural drive. If they stopped bombarding everyone with it in advertising and began running commercials about the Lord and programming about the Lord, guess what would happen? I suggest you may watch too much television.

E: This is probably true of many people, irrespective of bodily functions. It's a great time waster...

 

[farouk]

Whatever dino. You really walked around answering that. I can see what TND is talking about. Your position or situation with this topic is irrelevant if all you are looking for is a curve, a median, or average. It will prove or establish NOTHING for any particular individual(s) as with all, the full gambit of quantities exists. These numbers prove or establish nothing for any individual case. One must look at the unique personalities, life experiences, cultures, religions, philosophies, and on and on specific to the concerned couple. It is like saying, "They do it so we should." That sounds like my children when they were teenagers. Life is a lot more complicated than that. Something good has to be worked for; with one exception, salvation, but it was "worked for" for us as a gift by Jesus.

J:

Highlighted part: makes sense. Numbers don't determine or prescribe. They simply describe (and probably not so accurately. ("Hey, Hon., we must make sure we turn in our statistics on time...!" Really?? )

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

Can you please reword your question so it makes sense?

Ask yourself: "Why you are experiencing low frequency of sexual contact?"

You're right, if you are a young man who is having sex only once a month with his wife, obviously there is something wrong. You have started at least two other threads with similar complaints. Perhaps it is time to address yourself, since nothing you have done in discussing this with your wife has worked. Assuming you have actually discussed it with your wife. In another post you discussed what you've done to treat her differently, but in the same post -- not just the same thread, but the same post -- made it clear you view marriage as "she keeps my home to make my happy and I go to work to bring her money." That isn't a marriage, that's a contract for housekeeping services.

It isn't all be her fault. That's what I'm saying. I'm sure this will offend you, and for that I apologize up front, but it doesn't seem to me you understood what marriage is before you entered into it.

You and I seem to have had different experiences and known different people. For ones i know there is a relationship between when they were last intimate and how much they want it.

This is indicative of what I'm talking about. If you truly believe that sex is the foremost issue in a marriage, you definitely were not ready for it when you entered into it. A sexual relationship in marriage, properly entrusted each to the other, is the most beautiful thing in the world. It seems you are more interested in considering sex to be your right rather than a privilege she grants you out of love.

 

[farouk]

Ask yourself: "Why you are experiencing low frequency of sexual contact?"

You're right, if you are a young man who is having sex only once a month with his wife, obviously there is something wrong. You have started at least two other threads with similar complaints. Perhaps it is time to address yourself, since nothing you have done in discussing this with your wife has worked. Assuming you have actually discussed it with your wife. In another post you discussed what you've done to treat her differently, but in the same post -- not just the same thread, but the same post -- made it clear you view marriage as "she keeps my home to make my happy and I go to work to bring her money." That isn't a marriage, that's a contract for housekeeping services.

It isn't all be her fault. That's what I'm saying. I'm sure this will offend you, and for that I apologize up front, but it doesn't seem to me you understood what marriage is before you entered into it.

the:

Again, I think it depends on the couple in question. Also, there may be external factors. The whole point of the Baby Boom after World War Two was that during World War Two (and the Depression) there was more self control exercised.

 

[farouk]

"They do it so we should."

J: A completely empty headed philosopher, with all due respect to its proponents.

 

[farouk]

I still think it depends on the couple.

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

I still think it depends on the couple.

It does if they both agree. Obviously what we're talking about here is differing numbers between the couple. One wants x, the other wants y and x and y and somewhat far apart.

 

[farouk]

It does if they both agree. Obviously what we're talking about here is differing numbers between the couple. One wants x, the other wants y and x and y and somewhat far apart.

A bit like roulette.

When to spin the wheel, so to speak.

 

[farouk]

Maybe about little stuff, preferences and all but all women are all pretty much hard wired the same is my experience. Protection, providing, having kids, romance and sex and stuff...they're not much different.

...but metabolisms do differ sometimes. And circumstances. Hence no hard and fast rules about 'how much'. Anything purported 'rule' would be a mere description rather than a prescription.

 

[dinoguy]

But people are interested in it because they have advertised it so much and it has changed peoples perceptions to it. Iy may not be exactly like hunger but is inasmuch as it is a natural drive. If they stopped bombarding everyone with it in advertising and began running commercials about the Lord and programming about the Lord, guess what would happen? I suggest you may watch too much television.

Edward, what in the world makes you think I watch too much TV?
In reality I don't watch ANY commercial television, listen to ANY commercial radio, or read rubbish popular magazines.
From what little I have seen it is the music videos young people watch that glorify sex the most. Most of them are complete trash.