[__ Prayer __] genuine, bona fide recovery

[Christ_empowered]

From...life, lol. Well, Bipolar I. And drugs. And a blow to head. And--of course--the shock "treatments."


God is good!

See, I had this childish notion of recovery. I thought, one day, I'd wake up and be recovered. Everything would be at 100-110%, and I'd go about my life. la di da di da.

recovering from a mix of what's apparently mental illness of the more severe persuasion plus what must be some pretty extreme brain damage is...interesting. I'm blessed. I'm on disability and I live with my loving, kind, forgiving, tolerant, long suffering people. I appreciate things now that I took for granted or straight up could care less about when I was, say, 17-19/20.

I feel as if I'm (re)learning how to live, this time like a functional, normal, remarkably healthy person. I have good social skills, which is a miracle. I was once socially awkward and just plain weird to the point that I ran into a lot of peer rejection and straight up ostracism. Happens.

I write well. Communicating with others, understanding the nuances, the hidden meanings, what people really mean when they say X but mean Y, social conventions...these things take time, I suppose. Better now than never. I'm not socially awkward, but I still feel somewhat mystified by some interactions.

I worry about how many brain cells I have. Or...rather...what big sections of my brain have been fried, scrambled, bashed into oblivion. :-(

But I guess it doesn't matter now, does it? There's this writer...Janet Frame. --Not-- my favorite. Big in New Zealand in the 60s, I think. She was kept in a state hospital for what they called "Schizophrenia" and given shock all the time. Then, one day, they were going to pull out the big guns and do a lobotomy. Fortunately for her, some of her writing won an award around that same time, so the lobotomy was canceled, and she was eventually released from the hospital.

Other people have brain damage from all sorts of causes and manage to have quality lives. I'm blessed to even be alive, much less healthy and now (Praise God!) smart and normal enough to stay in society, with my people, and (re)learn how to be a normal human being.

Of course, God does unusual, unexpected things from time to time. Maybe more often than I suspect (how would I know, anyway?). EDITED

If God gave me fully functioning follicles simply because I came to belive upon Christ, maybe I've got some new neurons to work with, too. I dunno. Would kind of make sense...I had tics and --obvious-- brain damage, now I just have mental problems. No tics, no painfully obvious brain damage. God is good!

--sigh-- If my current counselor is correct--and he is Born Again, masters of divinity, and he's the man God has put in authority over this part of my life, so I listen to him--then this Bipolar I has been a part of my life for a long time, even before my disastrous time at college round 1, 17-19.

I think about it, and...if he's correct, then that means I spent most of my life in varying degrees of severe illness, until fairly recently. Mental illness would explain a lot, like my childhood onset eating weirdness, agitation, etc. I dunno. Sometimes I doubt the entire concept, for obvious reasons.

Thanks for reading. This is a praise report. I was sick for a long time, mentally and often physically, too...and now I'm remarkably well. Normal, even. I think there's a strong vulernability, even a degree of fragility, to my life and...well, to me, as a whole...but still: God is good.

Oh, and...no more shock. --Ever-- . That's what The Miracle Meds are for, thankfully.

 

[daninthelionsden]

From...life, lol. Well, Bipolar I. And drugs. And a blow to head. And--of course--the shock "treatments."


God is good!

See, I had this childish notion of recovery. I thought, one day, I'd wake up and be recovered. Everything would be at 100-110%, and I'd go about my life. la di da di da.

recovering from a mix of what's apparently mental illness of the more severe persuasion plus what must be some pretty extreme brain damage is...interesting. I'm blessed. I'm on disability and I live with my loving, kind, forgiving, tolerant, long suffering people. I appreciate things now that I took for granted or straight up could care less about when I was, say, 17-19/20.

I feel as if I'm (re)learning how to live, this time like a functional, normal, remarkably healthy person. I have good social skills, which is a miracle. I was once socially awkward and just plain weird to the point that I ran into a lot of peer rejection and straight up ostracism. Happens.

I write well. Communicating with others, understanding the nuances, the hidden meanings, what people really mean when they say X but mean Y, social conventions...these things take time, I suppose. Better now than never. I'm not socially awkward, but I still feel somewhat mystified by some interactions.

I worry about how many brain cells I have. Or...rather...what big sections of my brain have been fried, scrambled, bashed into oblivion. :-(

But I guess it doesn't matter now, does it? There's this writer...Janet Frame. --Not-- my favorite. Big in New Zealand in the 60s, I think. She was kept in a state hospital for what they called "Schizophrenia" and given shock all the time. Then, one day, they were going to pull out the big guns and do a lobotomy. Fortunately for her, some of her writing won an award around that same time, so the lobotomy was canceled, and she was eventually released from the hospital.

Other people have brain damage from all sorts of causes and manage to have quality lives. I'm blessed to even be alive, much less healthy and now (Praise God!) smart and normal enough to stay in society, with my people, and (re)learn how to be a normal human being.

Of course, God does unusual, unexpected things from time to time. Maybe more often than I suspect (how would I know, anyway?). I had permanent hair loss from trichotillomania (anxiety-induced hair pulling) and heavy handed hair dye, bleach, etc. (yes, that does happen...fortunately, its rare. Still, watch it with the peroxide...). Now my hair is crazy thick and its even turned a cool color.

If God gave me fully functioning follicles simply because I came to belive upon Christ, maybe I've got some new neurons to work with, too. I dunno. Would kind of make sense...I had tics and --obvious-- brain damage, now I just have mental problems. No tics, no painfully obvious brain damage. God is good!

--sigh-- If my current counselor is correct--and he is Born Again, masters of divinity, and he's the man God has put in authority over this part of my life, so I listen to him--then this Bipolar I has been a part of my life for a long time, even before my disastrous time at college round 1, 17-19.

I think about it, and...if he's correct, then that means I spent most of my life in varying degrees of severe illness, until fairly recently. Mental illness would explain a lot, like my childhood onset eating weirdness, agitation, etc. I dunno. Sometimes I doubt the entire concept, for obvious reasons.

Thanks for reading. This is a praise report. I was sick for a long time, mentally and often physically, too...and now I'm remarkably well. Normal, even. I think there's a strong vulernability, even a degree of fragility, to my life and...well, to me, as a whole...but still: God is good.

Oh, and...no more shock. --Ever-- . That's what The Miracle Meds are for, thankfully.

Very happy for you. I tried what I call voodoo pills.....no good. The only pill that lowers my anxiety is Xanax and I have to be very careful how often I take them......very addictive. I was plied with various anti-depressants which generally made me sick to my stomach. Lexapro didn't make me sick but it caused me to constantly grit my teeth and worsened my anxiety. None of the psycho-docs wanted to treat my anxiety because drugs like Xanax prevented me from working in the refinery and corporations dictate what kind of care I get. When I told my doc the Lexapro was making me worse she said she would just keep increasing the dosage until I cried "uncle" and declared myself better. She had already been increasing my dosage and I just got more and more anxious. She started mixing in Seroquil saying small doses reduce anxiety. To achieve the small dose I had to split the pill and then split it again. She said she thought I had some external/physical cause to my anxiety, she demanded a blood test for thyroid problems. I told her I had already had it checked twice with negative results. She insisted and the results came back negative again. I told her since she was convinced I had and external cause to my anxiety that I did research on the chemicals I was exposed to and found that my symptoms matched two of the chemicals DEA and H2S. DEA causes rapid heart rate and extremely high bp in rats. Long term low level exposure to H2S causes dizziness and short term memory loss. A lot of chemicals tend to wash out of the body over a period of time but the neurological damage caused by H2S is permanent. DEA is a unknown as the research was done on rats(and apparently choice refinery workers). After I told her my findings, she got really nervous and abruptly told me to stop all of my meds and she increased the Seroquil 8x what it was. The Seroquil was so powerful I started hallucinating. I went out to the garage to look for something. I saw what I thought was a white trashcan full of plumbing parts. I thought my wife had thrown out all my spare parts. I knew she wouldn't do that so I looked again very carefully at it and saw that I was looking at a small white basket that I had placed on a white box fan the previous day and that it was not a trashcan at all. Taking massive amounts of Seroquil is like sleepwalking. I stopped all voodoo pills and quit seeing her. I asked an attorney why someone would do that to somebody........he said their trying to transfer your symptoms to the Seroquill to cover up any symptoms of chemical poisoning. I don't trust any shrinks anymore....they want that bounty on my head.

 

[Angel]

"I worry about how many brain cells I have. Or...rather...what big sections of my brain have been fried, scrambled, bashed into oblivion. :-("

I understand. I destroyed brain cells from doing drugs and drinking alcohol.. These pathways in the brain I can't get totally back. (Learned this in my classes.)There's nothing we can do about this except to take care of ourselves now and with what we have to prevent more cell loss.

 

[Christ_empowered]

yeah, but...I have/had fairly massive brain damage. In addition to the fun drugs+psych drugs+shock, I was bashed on the head with a pipe in the ghetto. I sustained a concussion that wasn't treated properly. Plus an untreated, near fatal OD in a (private, for profit, ripoff) hospital.

--sigh-- I just don't get it. Brain damage like that usually=done. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. My IQ estimate is back up, apparently. With brain damage, shouldn't there be a permanent decline?

I just don't get it. Intelligence presumably comes from your brain. My brain was/is fried. I wasn't smart. Now I am smart. I was dead eyed. Now, I have a genuine light in my eyes.

I should add...I had tics and twitches, probably from a mix of heavy shock and "atypical" antipsychotics at a young age. I was burned out and --done--. Just...irreparably, irretrievably broken, brain damaged, dead eyed, neurologically messed up, everything. No fixin all that.

And now, I can remember new material, I write well, I have social skills, and my IQ estimate is up to where it was before all the shock. I know, sounds like wishful thinking, but it isn't.

I'm just wondering what happened. I think God does some extraordinary things, sometimes. I also had probably damaged my liver ((crazy elevated liver enzymes for a long time from heavy pill poppin')). Now, my liver seems to be doing the job, no probz.

And...my premature aging. Sun exposure+nutrient deficiencies+smoking+drugs+stress=irreversible premature aging. I did good skin care for a while, and that patched things up, but I still had patched up burn out written all over me. Now, I don't. I'm 32 and I hear I look 28. Not crazy young and perpetually youthful, but not burned out or barely patched up, either.

I know brain damage=brain damage=brain damage. I'm just...so confused. Do you think God bends the rules, sometimes? Maybe more than sometimes? Or do I just not need brain cells?

 

[Angel]

I think God healed you because he loves you. It's a good testimony-- to be changed like that.

 

[daninthelionsden]

yeah, but...I have/had fairly massive brain damage. In addition to the fun drugs+psych drugs+shock, I was bashed on the head with a pipe in the ghetto. I sustained a concussion that wasn't treated properly. Plus an untreated, near fatal OD in a (private, for profit, ripoff) hospital.

--sigh-- I just don't get it. Brain damage like that usually=done. Stick a fork in me, I'm done. My IQ estimate is back up, apparently. With brain damage, shouldn't there be a permanent decline?

I just don't get it. Intelligence presumably comes from your brain. My brain was/is fried. I wasn't smart. Now I am smart. I was dead eyed. Now, I have a genuine light in my eyes.

I should add...I had tics and twitches, probably from a mix of heavy shock and "atypical" antipsychotics at a young age. I was burned out and --done--. Just...irreparably, irretrievably broken, brain damaged, dead eyed, neurologically messed up, everything. No fixin all that.

And now, I can remember new material, I write well, I have social skills, and my IQ estimate is up to where it was before all the shock. I know, sounds like wishful thinking, but it isn't.

I'm just wondering what happened. I think God does some extraordinary things, sometimes. I also had probably damaged my liver ((crazy elevated liver enzymes for a long time from heavy pill poppin')). Now, my liver seems to be doing the job, no probz.

And...my premature aging. Sun exposure+nutrient deficiencies+smoking+drugs+stress=irreversible premature aging. I did good skin care for a while, and that patched things up, but I still had patched up burn out written all over me. Now, I don't. I'm 32 and I hear I look 28. Not crazy young and perpetually youthful, but not burned out or barely patched up, either.

I know brain damage=brain damage=brain damage. I'm just...so confused. Do you think God bends the rules, sometimes? Maybe more than sometimes? Or do I just not need brain cells?

For a few years after my suicide attempt following my molestation at the hands of a priest, I became anorexic. I weighed approx. 120 lbs and couldn't eat. I was told I was headed for an ulcer. I went to go see the Evangelist Joe Donato. He had a healing service at a Catholic church. I was healed right where I sat in the stands as I had refused to go down in front of the crowd. You were healed too. Enjoy your freedom from that particular affliction....don't question it.....accept it as a child of God...graciously, thankfully.