[__ Prayer __] gettin thru it

[Christ_empowered]

I paid cash for gas today. these two dudes...they were several pumps away, driving a heavy duty thing....laughed and heckled me. true story. i dont know these dudes, but they seem to think they know a lot about me. happens, when you're a pariah in a given community.

there is no where to run. i cannot support myself. disability is not much, but with my parents renting this place, plus...well...just having my now, fairly recently "well-to-do" (neither rich nor truly middle class) parents behind me...fairly close, at that...there's a level of safety there that was definitely -not- there when i lived out of state. when i lived out of state...things were rough. someone took out a title loan...on my dad's car. it certainly wasn't me, and that certainly wasn't legal. people stole my debit info. i was a pariah there, too...a 25-26 year old dude, drifting thru. no roots to speak of. so, im not super excited about being a pariah, but i think this may be the best possible area for me, right now.

if i moved, id be even more vulnerable elsewhere than i am here. i have reason to believe people -did- track me down when i moved away, years ago...

and the other day, i heard a lady yelling out "they'll find him WHEREVER HE GOES!" I know, sounds paranoid. You havent' had my life. there were times when people whom I'd never seen before, would say to other people, speaking about me...in public places, no less..."he needs to get out of South Carolina. Somebody's gonna kill him."

its...not fun, to put it mildly. my parents act as if nothing unusual happened and I'm just "severely mentally ill." yeah, nothing unusual...I somehow survived serious health problems, severe brain damage (much of it inflicted by psychiatry), and a vicious assault (bashed on the head with a pipe), and...and...

I"ve heard people threatening to "burn his house down." the house my parents and I lived in as a kid, in the same small town, has been burned down. I thought it was because the dude who bought it probably died of AIDS, now...I'm not so sure.

I really -should not- be alive, not the way the world usually works. I -should not- be intelligent, healthy, bright eyed. and yet...

here I am, transformed by Christ...in whom I have life (at long last...) and that more abundantly.

I wonder...what gives?!?! I've been targeted, in part because I survived (God's work, not mine) and in part because I )&#$#*$ the shrinks off, as the locals sometimes say. Oh, and they also say..."he got too old." I just turned 34, so I don't really know what that means, honestly.

OK. please, please, please keep my family+me up in prayer. I"m beginning to think that psychiatry, in particular, is a lot more evil than most of us (Even me) suspect. Darned if you do, darned if you don't. survive it all..."FREAK!" end up intelligent, healthy, bright eyed...and, by some miracle, -not-: ugly, homely, etc....oh man. watch out. :-(

ok. thanks, as always.

 

[Papa Zoom]

Praying for you friend.

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks, Papa...especially considering what's going on in your life...means a -whole- to me...

 

[Tessa]

C.F. when you feel paranoid, or when people are saying ignorant things try and think of the people who matter to you. They know you better than anyone else.
God look how much He loves you!Your parents, they must be so proud of the way you have come through it all. Verna, your long time friend, she must think a lot of you. Your friends on this forum, they all love you so much. Try and think what you would say to someone else if they were in your position.
We all love you here

 

[Christ_empowered]

just got back from a bit of grocery shopping. man oh man....love aldi. such good prices! anyway...

thought i heard stuff there, too. thankfully, when i came back, a semi-neighbor (she lives in another part of the complex, but she hangs out with my neighbors constantly...) was on the porch. i said hey. i gave her dog some treats, so i asked her how that went, we chatted...then i went in. easy, breezy. God is good!

I dunno. here's what's lame about being "severely mentally ill...."

what do you do? disability is a -huge- blessing. my parents -are- incredibly good to me, and they've been ever so kind since Jesus saved (is saving, will save) me. I like my apartment. but...

work? pshaw. I'm beginning to see its not happening right now, maybe not for a while. friends? OK. I'll get into a decent church (i'm not expecting perfection, just...fellowship, sound doctrine, some community involvement...) and see if any Christian friends are sent my way. I certainly pray so. Thing is...

where to go, these days? I have disability, so the only mental hospital open to me is the local state funded one. Its...interesting...they mostly got rid of the BIG state hospital (it was on prime real estate...state solid it off, made a cool couple hundred million $$$), but they have inpatient places throughout the state. Typically, to go there, you need to be very far gone (most patients have actually been committed by a probate judge). They try to keep stays as short as possible (that's tax payer money, clearly), and then at discharge...

ugh. they stick people with these things..."court orders..." where you have to show up and get injected with a long acting antipsychotic. if they don't, there's some kind of repercussions (I don't know what, exactly). -ugh-

I'd much rather stay in my apt., be in society, and just take my tranquilizer in the privacy of my own home...which, Praise God, is what's going on right now. I'm thankful.

group homes are big on meds and compliance and such, not so big on helping people -do- much of anything meaningful. its basically where they put people who -would- have gone to the state hospital, in years past.

so...I'm blessed. no one's life is peaches and cream, I see that now. At least I don't have to work a dead end, low wage, unstable job with no benefits, work place bullying, high pressure, etc. Been there, done that...blah. "Schizophrenia" isn't fun and games, but...I dunno. It is what it is, y'all.

I wish sometimes i could go back to my parents' house. but then...I'd be 34, retreating -again- into my parents' home, and dealing with "stuff" there, too. my apartment isn't lavish, but its more space than I actually need (not my idea...the only place open was a 2 bedroom...I'm blessed, that's for sure...), plus it isn't a fancy community, but its quiet and its close to stuff I need to get to (stores, major roads, etc.). So...

yeah. as always, please forgive the rambling. This is how i Figure things out, basically.

my life is far from perfect. im far from perfect. God loves me as much as He loves anyone, even my cousin in ministry, even Verna with the long history of godly goodness, even Tessa, even...on and on it goes. Other times, in my mind, I get this kinda sibling rivalry thing w/ other Christians...I want all the love, lol. There's plenty to go around, clearly.

His ways are higher than our ways. His ways are most definitely higher than -my- ways, my wants, my gimmes....

and that's proven to be a most excellent thing for me and my family, already...just short of 6 years into a genuine walk with Christ. true story.

 

[Tessa]

Life must be extremely frustrating for you at times. But you are doing wonderful.

 

[Christ_empowered]

ok...this isn't a blog, but i'll run this lil play by play here, anyway...

went out for a spin. came back, same young lady was on neighbor's porch. asked her what became of the older lady...she said nothing dramatic, she just moved. i heard the neighbors locking their door. awesome. im apparently -that- dude, the one people who are OK to, talking face to face, but they also lock their doors...

cuz im CRAZY. LOL. i do tend to talk to myself. i dont know...ive never gone near them, never done anything to them...but OK. its their door, they can lock it if they feel like it (obviously).

I just have these never ending fears of eviction, ending up homeless or in prison...its not really 'paranoia,' its what those with Schizophrenia go thru in modern society, especially when we're unemployed and dependent on others (in my case, disability and my long suffering parents...). blah.

i dont do drugs. i dont even drink. but...i have a shady past. i was wretched, etc...God spared me, saved (is saving, will save) me, and now...

blah. i saw neighbor lady with her kids yesterday, and she was nice enough...except, the youngest one yelled out at me, as I was getting into my car "are you going to work?" I ignored him and smiled. he did it again. Paranoid as this may sound...he's so young, I think the mother had him ask me that. blah.

i dunno...this 'severely mentally ill' thing isn't all bad, largely because of my parents, but its not exactly ideal, either. but how to work? where to work? I -do- think some people need ---psych drugs--- at least for a while. But -psychiatry-...im not so sure. its one thing to say "well, i have xyz probs, this drug helps, for now...OK...," and its quite another to be stuck in a -system- in which the "patients" are expected to do as we're told, play by the 'experts' rules, etc. and...the information that's clearly --not-- been kept confidential...

"extremely immature," "severely narcissistic," "he wants attention," etc. factor in my HIV+ status (or...I -was- +...with 0 treatment in the 13 1/2 years since I tested +, it kinda makes me wonder...), and...

ugh! I'm doing OK with it, by God's grace. I pray He'll see me thru this and the rest of my life, here on Earth.

 

[Tessa]

Praying for that for you too CE

 

[lisa-in-FL]

C.F. when you feel paranoid, or when people are saying ignorant things try and think of the people who matter to you. They know you better than anyone else.
God look how much He loves you!Your parents, they must be so proud of the way you have come through it all. Verna, your long time friend, she must think a lot of you. Your friends on this forum, they all love you so much. Try and think what you would say to someone else if they were in your position.
We all love you here

excellent advice!!

 

[Christ_empowered]

getting better at...life, i guess. neighbor people out back yelled at me while i was painting with my dad today. and yet...mama insists no one actually yells at me or says anything. awesome. yelling, yelling, then "LOSER!" made my day.

I just...feel trapped sometimes. I have a good life, as "mental patients" go, but...what to do in the years to come? where to go in the years to come? why is it so difficult to just...I dunno...live, undisturbed?

oh, and one of my parents' semi-friends died. she was in the arts, she had some kind of old age ailments going on and she..."checked out," to use my dad's phrase. blah. I Just...don't know what to say. she was not that much older than my parents, so...yeah. :-(

thanks for the prayers+support, y'all.