He called off the wedding... i can find no comfort

[pbreeze]

Just to start off, both my ex-fiance (together for 8 yrs) & I in our thirties. Both of us grew up going to church and were saved over 15yrs ago.

He called off our summer wedding 3 days ago. We had been arguing for about 2 days straight before he got his things and moved out. We had been arguing about money & respect. Money because he spends too much of it during this time where we must live frugally for the wedding and also his school tuition that I have been paying. In terms of respect (I can only speak from my pov, but i'll try to shed light from what I heard him say from his pov in the past), he had embarrassed me at his family function on the 1st. He openly reprimanded me in front of his family. I felt so hurt by that. It is an occurrence that often happens.. where he hurts my feelings and does not later ease my aching heart. Often times, when we argue, no matter whos fault it is, I normally am the one to approach him and ask for understanding and forgiveness. He'll either accept it and move on or he'll ask me to be specific as to "why I'm sorry" and what I learned from the situation. I could ask him to ease my heart as well, but i can feel his heart is not open enough to see my pain.. without igniting another argument. It means more to me to live in peace with him than to win a battle. I don't care about winning, I just want him to love me & treat me in a loving way. Being in a fight with his is so difficult. He tends to ignore me, even if I lock myself in the bathroom and cry, he will normally not approach me.

The day leading to the breakup, we had argued about him wanting to treat his friends to dinner & a movie. I was hurt that thought would even enter his mind, when we're already having difficulty trying to find ways to pay for his schooling, wedding & house. We've often discussed "our plan" to save for just this one IMPORTANT year. As usual, he ignored me and the next day (New Year's) I went to give him a hug, but he was clearly not ok.. still. I was stressed as we had to go to his family function, but yet he was still angry at me. I asked for his forgiveness and for us to be ok once again.. to which he replied "well, are you ready to be ok?" His reply did not sit well with me. When it really comes down to it, I feel that if anyone.. I should be the one truly upset, for it comes out of my savings that I pay for his schooling tuition (just last week i paid).. so, for him to suggest we go spend a possible $200 for a night out with his out-of-town friends. How could he let me sacrifice, yet not sacrifice this night of spending money. I don't even go and buy myself new underwear because I feel the pressure of the situation we're in. Fine, with all of that said.. I sit here now.. and say to myself that I would've just given my whole savings for him to just come back and love me.
After the argument on new year's, when he packed up his things and left.. I haven't heard from him.. except when i text messaged him to ensure he was safe and that I was deeply sorry,... he replied with "I'm fine". I haven't heard from him since the 1st.

The first thing I did when all of this happened was turn to God in prayer to bring him back to me if it is His will. Now that an entire day has past without a word from him (I had called/text messaged him all day apologizing & telling him I love him and will do anything to make it work,...) yet still no word.. I feel that he is finished with me.

I have so much to face. I must pay my family back for the wedding deposits they made already 8k, pay my mom back the 2k he borrowed from her, my family also gave him a hand-me-down suv that I want to pay them for so they don't keep bad feelings for my exfiance or his family. There are so many other things, but besides the money, which is really nothing compared to .. true pain are: telling all of my family and friends the wedding is off, yet not negatively brand my ex's name & also dealing with this deep feeling of loss that I am so overcome with.

The days and nights are so long. I find myself (although i know I shouldn't) negotiating with God "please Lord, take everything I have.. money, home, .. but please leave me with him" I've been reading scripture to keep my spirits up, but when I see the emptiness and look around to see his things gone.. i begin to see that maybe he didn't really love me after all. How could he stand to be away from me for even a day? I couldn't do the same if I were him, but then again, my anger never lasts long. Of course I still hope that he'll come back to me, but when all remains as it is today.. say a week/month from now.. what then?

I haven't been attending church, so I don't have the faith-based support group that i probably need in this life-altering situation. I took off from work today because I cannot control my emotions & since I work for my family, if they see my sadness, I will have to tell them the bad news, but I haven't finished sorting out all of the details yet (how I'll pay them back) and also.. I don't want them to look badly upon my ex.. even if he were to never come back to me again. I just don't want anyone to treat him badly for this. There are so many hurtful instances I could share about him, but what would that do? I haven't been perfect either. I often try to treat him the way he treas me.. to show him how hurtful it is when you say specific hurtful things. That is actually what i did to make him pack his things. I feel guilt that I hurt him, but him ignoring me is giving me the impression he feels no guilt.

I just can't bear to take another step. This is all too much for me. I am at the place right now where i wish the Lord would take me to Heaven right here and now.

If the worst of the worst happens, that he tells me he never wants to see me again, how can I go on? I know that I must continue to pray and read the bible, but when it gets closer to midnight and still no word.. I begin to feel extremely depressed and wish for death.. for this pain to be over.

 

[Igor]

Holy Underwear Batman! (I mean Pbreeze)

I don't even go and buy myself new underwear…

The first thing you need to do today is go out and buy yourself some new underwear with some of the money you would have been spending on him had he not followed through with his New Years resolution to leave you. (Yeah, after 8 years together, he didn’t just think this up 5 minutes before he left. It’s been coming for a while.)

But seriously, my wife and I never argued before we got married. Not about anything. Even after almost ten years of marriage, we never argued about anything. That is until the day it fell apart for us. Now we are divorced. So in light of that, what do you really think were the chances of you and him making it work for a lifetime? I know how much it hurts right now, I really do. But time will heal the hurt. I know this from experience.

"please Lord, take everything I have.. money, home, .. but please leave me with him"

Be careful with this type of prayer. Sometimes God answers them and gives you what you ask for, and you probably won’t like it. I would suggest you try this out before you ask God for it. Empty your pockets of everything, money, credit cards, cell phone (so you will know you can't just call for help when it gets tough), everything. Then just walk out the door with only the clothes on your back, keep walking until you are many miles from home, family, and friends, and try to survive for even just several days (cold lonely nights included). Depending on where you live and how the weather is, this will be really uncomfortable at best, and fatal at worst.

Of course, I really don’t mean to suggest you actually do this. I’m hoping that maybe the suggestion gave you some food for thought. You are not as bad off as you think you are. As bad as you feel, losing a guy you clearly weren’t getting along with anyway is better than committing yourself to a lifelong marriage to him. You two have already been living together for 8 years. People don’t normally change their personalities just because they suddenly have a legal document saying they are married.

Seriously, go buy yourself some new underwear. And not the white granny type either. Buy some nice ones. And while you’re at it, buy a really nice dress to go with it too. Get the one you’ve been wanting for so long but couldn’t afford because you were paying for his school all this time. Get all the accessories to go with it too! Do it today, then go out on the town with some friends and have a good time. You can worry about the rest of this stuff when you come back. It will wait for you, but it probably won’t seem so daunting as it does now.

 

[jasoncran]

Just to start off, both my ex-fiance (together for 8 yrs) & I in our thirties. Both of us grew up going to church and were saved over 15yrs ago.

He called off our summer wedding 3 days ago. We had been arguing for about 2 days straight before he got his things and moved out. We had been arguing about money & respect. Money because he spends too much of it during this time where we must live frugally for the wedding and also his school tuition that I have been paying. In terms of respect (I can only speak from my pov, but i'll try to shed light from what I heard him say from his pov in the past), he had embarrassed me at his family function on the 1st. He openly reprimanded me in front of his family. I felt so hurt by that. It is an occurrence that often happens.. where he hurts my feelings and does not later ease my aching heart. Often times, when we argue, no matter whos fault it is, I normally am the one to approach him and ask for understanding and forgiveness. He'll either accept it and move on or he'll ask me to be specific as to "why I'm sorry" and what I learned from the situation. I could ask him to ease my heart as well, but i can feel his heart is not open enough to see my pain.. without igniting another argument. It means more to me to live in peace with him than to win a battle. I don't care about winning, I just want him to love me & treat me in a loving way. Being in a fight with his is so difficult. He tends to ignore me, even if I lock myself in the bathroom and cry, he will normally not approach me.

The day leading to the breakup, we had argued about him wanting to treat his friends to dinner & a movie. I was hurt that thought would even enter his mind, when we're already having difficulty trying to find ways to pay for his schooling, wedding & house. We've often discussed "our plan" to save for just this one IMPORTANT year. As usual, he ignored me and the next day (New Year's) I went to give him a hug, but he was clearly not ok.. still. I was stressed as we had to go to his family function, but yet he was still angry at me. I asked for his forgiveness and for us to be ok once again.. to which he replied "well, are you ready to be ok?" His reply did not sit well with me. When it really comes down to it, I feel that if anyone.. I should be the one truly upset, for it comes out of my savings that I pay for his schooling tuition (just last week i paid).. so, for him to suggest we go spend a possible $200 for a night out with his out-of-town friends. How could he let me sacrifice, yet not sacrifice this night of spending money. I don't even go and buy myself new underwear because I feel the pressure of the situation we're in. Fine, with all of that said.. I sit here now.. and say to myself that I would've just given my whole savings for him to just come back and love me.
After the argument on new year's, when he packed up his things and left.. I haven't heard from him.. except when i text messaged him to ensure he was safe and that I was deeply sorry,... he replied with "I'm fine". I haven't heard from him since the 1st.

The first thing I did when all of this happened was turn to God in prayer to bring him back to me if it is His will. Now that an entire day has past without a word from him (I had called/text messaged him all day apologizing & telling him I love him and will do anything to make it work,...) yet still no word.. I feel that he is finished with me.

I have so much to face. I must pay my family back for the wedding deposits they made already 8k, pay my mom back the 2k he borrowed from her, my family also gave him a hand-me-down suv that I want to pay them for so they don't keep bad feelings for my exfiance or his family. There are so many other things, but besides the money, which is really nothing compared to .. true pain are: telling all of my family and friends the wedding is off, yet not negatively brand my ex's name & also dealing with this deep feeling of loss that I am so overcome with.

The days and nights are so long. I find myself (although i know I shouldn't) negotiating with God "please Lord, take everything I have.. money, home, .. but please leave me with him" I've been reading scripture to keep my spirits up, but when I see the emptiness and look around to see his things gone.. i begin to see that maybe he didn't really love me after all. How could he stand to be away from me for even a day? I couldn't do the same if I were him, but then again, my anger never lasts long. Of course I still hope that he'll come back to me, but when all remains as it is today.. say a week/month from now.. what then?

I haven't been attending church, so I don't have the faith-based support group that i probably need in this life-altering situation. I took off from work today because I cannot control my emotions & since I work for my family, if they see my sadness, I will have to tell them the bad news, but I haven't finished sorting out all of the details yet (how I'll pay them back) and also.. I don't want them to look badly upon my ex.. even if he were to never come back to me again. I just don't want anyone to treat him badly for this. There are so many hurtful instances I could share about him, but what would that do? I haven't been perfect either. I often try to treat him the way he treas me.. to show him how hurtful it is when you say specific hurtful things. That is actually what i did to make him pack his things. I feel guilt that I hurt him, but him ignoring me is giving me the impression he feels no guilt.

I just can't bear to take another step. This is all too much for me. I am at the place right now where i wish the Lord would take me to Heaven right here and now.

If the worst of the worst happens, that he tells me he never wants to see me again, how can I go on? I know that I must continue to pray and read the bible, but when it gets closer to midnight and still no word.. I begin to feel extremely depressed and wish for death.. for this pain to be over.

maybe God let him depart so that you could return to him.

i went through that with a liberal catholic girl i loved enough to marry. Looking back, whew glad I didnt!

 

[Alabaster]

I have experienced the serious pain of a broken engagement in my past, many years ago, so let me speak to you about what I see here.

It is the same with me in a few little details. I was not walking closely with God. So, I was out of the loop of knowing His will. I was seeking my own.

Secondly, we were behaving in an 'unseemly' way. Not having sex, but close---but not respecting ourselves or each other sexually, which was contravening what God wants for His kids.

Also, my fiance at the time was disrespectful of me in front of my parents. He actually slapped my leg painfully hard, which I took as in jest, but my mother saw through it as abuse in its early stages.

I was a trophy, a thing, a convenience. He knew I was in love with him, and took advantage of my loyalty while he carried on a relationship with another young woman whom he married less than two months after a phone call telling me it is over.

I was devastated---really devastated. Today, I don't understand why! He has been incarcerated for fraud twice and I don't know if he is still married, but a dishonourable man like that I am happy to not be connected with.

The Lord intervened---I received proof of it---and while I was in severe pain over the break up, I was strangely comforted knowing that God stepped in and stopped what could have been worse for me and any children that could have come from the marriage.

From your detailed post, I can see that your fiance and you did have a living arrangement that interferes with the will of God working in your lives, from the beginning of that decision. Overstepping how God expects us to behave with one another as unmarried people is asking for trouble.

But the one thing I see is that you were his meal ticket. I think he took great advantage of you, and allowed you to feel that if you want to hold onto him, you need to pay financially. If he became displeased at all, you'd be right there offering the world for the sake of peace. That starts a cycle of manipulation and abuse...and it did.

I think you are well rid of this man. Close up your loose ends, but tell him he must pay his own debts, and burrow into God. Find a good church--perhaps you have a godly female friend you can attend church with? I pray that God will take you through this heartache and lead you out quickly. I pray you find that you have great worth all by yourself! Jesus Christ wants you to have His best---not what you think is best.

What we think is best usually turns out to be a toad!


I waited on God finally, telling Him I was willing to remain single forever if it was His will. 5 months later, I married a fine Christian man! Unbelievable! Yesterday was our 35th anniversary.

 

[Hitch]

Well said Allie.

 

[PouringRain]

I agree with the previous posters. The reason it is so difficult right now for you is because you have bonded yourself emotionally to this man, lived with him, invested yourself in him in multiple ways, etc. Sadly, it sounds as though this man was only taking advantage of you and your money. What was going on was not love. Don't misunderstand, I am sure that you loved this man deeply, which is why it has hurt you so badly and which is also why you are willing to give up everything for him. But this man does not love you back, and maybe never has.

It's time to pick yourself up. I agree with Igor-- go buy yourself something nice and take yourself out. I can tell from the things you wrote in your post that you are selfless and giving, so I want you to know that treating yourself for a change is not a selfish act. So, do it, for this once, and while you are at it, buy yourself a bouquet of flowers for your table, because you deserve that also!

And also, do what Alabaster suggested. Find a good church. Turn to God. Place it all on God. Even though you and this man never married, the type of relationship you were in was like a marriage, so I would also suggest seeing if there is a DivorceCare group near you. DivorceCare: Divorce Recovery Support Groups I also want to suggest you get the following book and read it: Single, Married, Separated, and Life After Divorce, By: Myles Munroe This book should be available at your local Christian bookstore, but if not they should be able to order it. You also might see if your local library has it, or if you can get it through interlibrary loan.

 

[Free]

I, too, have been on the receiving end of the break-up of an engagement, about 12-13 years ago. We went out for about 3 years and the last 6-8 months we were engaged. There was no warning for me--no fights or anything. We were both active Christians but she turned her back on all of it, quite literally overnight, and became someone I didn't know. That probably hurt the most.

At the time I was working for the summer at a greenhouse and had to often go in the back and cry. All I could do when I was at home was cry and pray. It was probably the hardest time in my life.

I know, at least in part, how you feel. I never thought there would be an end to the pain and the loneliness. But, it does end and life continues. Due to all the praying and seeking God, I could hear His voice like no other time before or since. I had a clarity of mind that I haven't had since.

This is probably one of the biggest moments in your life and how you respond will direct bearing on your future, whether positively or negatively. We always want to know Why? but most often there isn't an answer, and if there is one, we won't know it for some time.

All I can really say is focus on God. I know I didn't have a hard time fasting because I had little to no appetite (and the way I ate back then, that is saying a lot). But just pray and pour out your heart to him and seek him. I did and it completely changed my life.

 

[JohnEboy1983]

Hello, Pbreeze. Firstly I just want to say I really know the pain you are having and I am sorry to hear about what you are going through and allready you sound like a good woman.

I just want to relate to you and share my experience. I have an ex fiance that I now have not talked to for over 3 years and I heard she is now married and living in another country from some people we both have known. Anyways to cut it short, I was engaged to her and we eventually broke up, mainly on her part. For nearly 8 months I was heartbroken and crying at some point everyday, pleading with God, waiting on her, thinking that she was the one God had for me. I was wrong about all that. I am doing fine now and yes I still think about her from time to time but I also know that it could never work out between us ever again. A big part of my problem was I kept hanging on and hoping she would return. It left me in an area where It was very hard for me to heal. Your heart will be broken for awhile but you need to move on no matter how hard it is.

It is possible that you two may get back together but you must be very cautious and I would actually advise against it. Once a big breakup happens like this, it will be very hard to ever work things out again. I would only encourage people who are allready married to keep trying to work things out but I do believe its time for you to move on and NOT go back even if he comes back. Me and my ex fiance broke up once before and got back together and it was never the same and did not last long before our final breakup. To be honest I am glad that my ex fiance did not want to return to me because I was definitely going to go back to her and now I wont. I also can reflect on how she did me very wrong throughout our relationship and how she basically cheated on me with a guy on the internet she was talking to while we were still together and they are now married and she used deceptive ways to cause our breakup and make me look like the badguy and such and spread all types of rumors about me and then I found out how heartless she was afterwards with other things like a phone she was supposed to return. I know you dont want any rumors spread about your ex and you say you would give everything to go back, but give it some time and I gurantee you will start to realize like I have, how wrongly he done you. I was never perfect and yes I made mistakes in my relationship too, but like I said.. I started casting so much blame on myself that during the hard time of my breakup I was blinded and couldnt realize how much she did wrong to me.

I am still single now but I have hope God will give me the right person in the future and I can be very honest when I say that I can allready taste how much better it will be with whoever God brings me than my ex. I was at one point where I felt like I couldnt move on also and that I said I will never find anyone better and such and I finally see that I can move on and will find somebody much better.

The most important thing to do is be thankfull for the many things you do have. I encourage you to really stop and think about what you have and thank God for them. Thank God for what he has stored for your future and be excited about it. Strive to continue walking in his footsteps with love and a serving heart. You will not always be perfect but contine on in faith. I know its hard but time will heal.

I was not walking closely with God. So, I was out of the loop of knowing His will. I was seeking my own

Wow, I cant tell you how much that some of the things alabaster said is so true. When I was in the relationship with my ex fiance I was so blinded from seeking out a christian woman and Gods will that I got entangled with a girl who I thought was a Christian and we ended up doing many things that are shameful for christian to do. Yes I ended up being a stray sheep for awhile. I also found out she is not really a Christian and I cant believe i didnt see it from the beginning. I was so blinded.

 

[DeepBlueSea]

Where is the original poster for an update? I am curious how you are doing and how this turned out?