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[__ Prayer __] he thinks he's something special

Christ_empowered

Christ_empowered

Member
That's what my neighbor (yes, THAT neighbor, lol) yelled at me last night. I was out having a cigarette (I'm quitting, I promise) and skipping through songs on my MP3 player, and that's what I heard.

He thinks he's something special.

When I was at Teen Challenge, the program manager said you have to reach a point at which you realize the world doesn't have anything of substance for you. Then you'll be able to follow Christ.

I think I'm getting there.

I've been voted Schizophrenic. I am unemployed, as much because of stigma as any real deficit. I receive disabilty. I have to live with my family. They give me space to go to Liberty and protect me. The truth is, I did want to be something very, very special...when I was a teenager. I started thinking about it...why is this community so hell bent on teaching me that I"m nothing special? Then I realized...

I started as a "working class loser." My people are now upper class, and that makes people angry. I thought...why did that first psychiatrist dope me to the gills, the second give me so much shock? And then more shock? Because working class flamers can't be special. They/we aren't special by virtue of being working class losers+flamers.

The world has nothing for me, not really.

Funny thing about heavy shock...it makes your own life a mystery. So, now, I've largely recovered (Praise God! this isn't supposed to be happening), and I see it...I was "uppity" my whole life. By virtue of being in Honors and Gifted classes--uppity. Because I went to "that" college, the one for kids from good families and wealthy families...uppity (to be fair, I didn't know. Naive 17 year old; I thought a state school was OK for me, lol).

The world never had anything for me, apparently. Nothing but condemnation and destruction.

Not that I wasn't a sinner. I still sin. My sins were terrible enough to kill a couple people. My sins helped kill Jesus. But...I've been taken out of all that, praise God! Now, people say "he thinks he's something special" when I'm just minding my own business. I most look uppity or something, smoking on a nice front porch of a nice house. How dare I! LOL.

Ugh. This is in prayer and praise because...well, its both. The neighbors sometimes sound angry, and they sometimes yell out late at night (we're talking 2, 3 in the AM...I have occasional sleepless nights), and sometimes they scare me a little bit. They clearly have been given a lot of my confidential information, which is not a good thing, at all.

And praise...I'm not nearly as intent on being "special" as when I was younger. It is no longer I who lives, it is Christ who lives in me...I am, thankfully, to the point where I'm more concerned about being good (not yet up to godly, lol) and productive, to whatever extent possible.

:)
 
Christ_empowered said:
I started as a "working class loser." My people are now upper class, and that makes people angry. I thought...why did that first psychiatrist dope me to the gills, the second give me so much shock? And then more shock? Because working class flamers can't be special. They/we aren't special by virtue of being working class losers+flamers.
Click to expand...
CE, please believe that I truly love you and I believe you have shown that you truly love God, so please don't be offended by what I say.
If what happened to you, shock treatments, etc., was because of your parents social class, if the doctor's recommendations were because of who you were, then how would you explain Rosemary Kennedy being given a lobotomy? That was the doctor's recommendation to a very wealthy, prestigious family. It was a mistake.
Doctors are human, they make decisions based on what is believed are the best practices at that time, but they can make mistakes.
Please forgive them. :hug
 
Hi CE

I joined this forum in November last year when my life was not completely on track and it's still not there yet. But patience and I are not friends, that's how God works. When we ask for things God doesn't just give it to us, he teaches us a lesson on how to keep faith when the world seems to be falling apart around us. When things went wrong before I always prayed to get out of the situation and I realized I am wrong, you suppose to be asking for strength from God to get out of it and for it to make you stronger.

I always enjoy reading your posts and you inspire me after everything you have gone through. To think I'm all the way from Cape Town, South Africa and your stories has always touched me. God is good and he is everywhere.

Yes you are special and your neighbors are not normal, for adults to be shouting names at you and behaving in that manner they definitely have serious problems of their own.
 
Nothing much to report, lol...I've been home doing school stuff (mostly quizzes...still have to do a final exam before midnight...UGH!), and the neighbors have been...quiet (?). Then again, when I go outside, I use my little Sansa MP3 player. That gets boring...I mean, I have a lot of songs on there, lots of variety, but...yeah...I wish I didn't have to do it, of course.

I do wonder what these people do for a living. My dad said the man is a mechanic or something. I don't know what his wife (or live in girlfriend) does. They seem to be home an awful lot. Ordinarily, I wouldn't care, but...they loooove sharing their opinion about me w/ me, so that's sort of an issue.

Its dawned on me....nobody around here cared for me, anyway. 10 years ago, that private, for profit mental hospital utterly and completely destroyed me. Sad times. Not surprisingly, the vultures swooped in, etc. etc...bad things happened, until 2.5 years ago, when I got saved. I can now relate to any number of people in the NT....low status people in the community who had encounters with Christ and were changed forever...

I think the issue is that when an obviously brain damaged, ugly, impoverished former junkie suddenly is not ugly, not obviously brain damaged, and living comfortably thanks to now upper class people, it changes things. I remember this one sentence from a book I read for Liberty..."God's work is always met with opposition." So true. Especially since I was and am so low status around here.
 
happened again this morning. 9:30 or so. I'm chillin, having a cigarette on the front porch, and the ladies next door start talking. Ugh. I'm just gonna have to roll with it. On the plus side, not **everybody** hates me. I went to Dunkin Donuts, as usual, only this time for the $1 iced coffee (medium, any flavor) from 3-6 deal. Well, I only had to pay .97 and they gave me a large :)
 
As time progresses, you'll find that more and more people accept you as you are now. Many people's attention span only lasts for so long on one topic before the attention shifts away to another topic.

The folks at Dunkin Donuts are lovely :wave2
 
I think it finally dawned on me that I'm layered in stigma, and stigmatized people aren't permitted to be "special." One time, shortly after an ex-shrink filed charges against me, I was walking in my yard...some older lady visiting the neighbors (yes, those neighbors) said "he's gettin' too big for his britches. Send him off to prison." No, I'm not making this up.

I'm "too blessed to be depressed" (my current favorite Pentecostal-ism). Its not surprising that I "went through it;" rather, its surprising that I've been saved and set free, both in eternal terms (forgiveness is key...I have to remind myself of that...) and also in terms of having been spared some terrible (and also predictable) outcomes here on Earth. God is good!

God's work in my life is what offends people. I'm physically healthy. I'm (miraculously) intelligent enough to be in society, at long last. My parents and I have made much progress towards full reconciliation. Even my hair grew back, which is crazy...I had scalp probs starting at 13 or so that led to early onset hair loss. That kind of hair loss--scalp conditions+everything else--is usually "scarring," and therefore permanent.

And, I've realized...nobody around here really cares. They're just not pleased with Christ's work in my life, that's all, lol.
 
Christ_empowered said:
That's what my neighbor (yes, THAT neighbor, lol) yelled at me last night. I was out having a cigarette (I'm quitting, I promise) and skipping through songs on my MP3 player, and that's what I heard.

He thinks he's something special.

When I was at Teen Challenge, the program manager said you have to reach a point at which you realize the world doesn't have anything of substance for you. Then you'll be able to follow Christ.

I think I'm getting there.

I've been voted Schizophrenic. I am unemployed, as much because of stigma as any real deficit. I receive disabilty. I have to live with my family. They give me space to go to Liberty and protect me. The truth is, I did want to be something very, very special...when I was a teenager. I started thinking about it...why is this community so hell bent on teaching me that I"m nothing special? Then I realized...

I started as a "working class loser." My people are now upper class, and that makes people angry. I thought...why did that first psychiatrist dope me to the gills, the second give me so much shock? And then more shock? Because working class flamers can't be special. They/we aren't special by virtue of being working class losers+flamers.

The world has nothing for me, not really.

Funny thing about heavy shock...it makes your own life a mystery. So, now, I've largely recovered (Praise God! this isn't supposed to be happening), and I see it...I was "uppity" my whole life. By virtue of being in Honors and Gifted classes--uppity. Because I went to "that" college, the one for kids from good families and wealthy families...uppity (to be fair, I didn't know. Naive 17 year old; I thought a state school was OK for me, lol).

The world never had anything for me, apparently. Nothing but condemnation and destruction.

Not that I wasn't a sinner. I still sin. My sins were terrible enough to kill a couple people. My sins helped kill Jesus. But...I've been taken out of all that, praise God! Now, people say "he thinks he's something special" when I'm just minding my own business. I most look uppity or something, smoking on a nice front porch of a nice house. How dare I! LOL.

Ugh. This is in prayer and praise because...well, its both. The neighbors sometimes sound angry, and they sometimes yell out late at night (we're talking 2, 3 in the AM...I have occasional sleepless nights), and sometimes they scare me a little bit. They clearly have been given a lot of my confidential information, which is not a good thing, at all.

And praise...I'm not nearly as intent on being "special" as when I was younger. It is no longer I who lives, it is Christ who lives in me...I am, thankfully, to the point where I'm more concerned about being good (not yet up to godly, lol) and productive, to whatever extent possible.

:)
Click to expand...

You are special!
Every hair on your head is numbered.

Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for My sake.
Rejoice , and be exceeding glad, for great is your reward in heaven.
 
Things are...going. I pretty much always use an MP3 player while outside, lol. My parents were planning a brief trip to a nature reserve (overnight, then back) and I was getting nervous...what about those neighbors? Sounds ridiculous, I mean...I'm 30. But I think the neighbors drink a lot. On Memorial Day, they yelled stuff at me and yelled so loud I could hear in my room, which is ridiculously loud. And this is a decent part of town (small, southern town).

Ugh. Whatevs. The trip is off and now I realize: there's really nothing to fear. I think I'm too nervous because 7ish years ago I got bashed on the head w/ a pipe while walking in a terrible part of the city I was living in, so that changed my perception of things, especially issues with hostility from people around me.
 
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