Help for Christians that are Struggling with Forgiveness

[daffodil]

I actually started my membership last week because I was so distressed because I could not forgive, and had kept praying with no results. I was going to ask for advice. I was so devastated and hurt.

The basics are that a close family member slept with my now ex-boyfriend. I was an unbeliever and became a Christian. When I stopped fornicating with him, they hooked up I believe. But not only that they have been flirting since we moved to town, and I dreamed that they had hooked up before then, but dismissed my dreams. When I became a Christian though, I realized God was speaking to me through my dreams, so I asked them to take a lie detector so I could feel okay and they both refused it.

This is why I think they are lying. In any event, not only do they deny it, but my family believes my family member and thinks I am stupid for letting my ex ( an un unbeliever) go. They are calling me all kinds of names and saying that I take religion too seriously and should marry a nonbeliever if he's a nice person.

I was so angry because most of my family does not even know about the fact that he slept with her, and the ones that do, believe her. My ex is being cruel and since we share a child, I have to continue to speak with him regularly. Needless to say, I just was having serious trouble with forgiveness.

Well, a few things happened over the weekend. First as I was about to post for advice while I was watching JCTV and God showed me that I was on my way to meeting a Christian husband. That there were men out there that were following Christ and if I just held on, he would bring one into my life that would make me much happier than my ex.

One thing I also did not notice was that as soon as my ex cheated on me, God made my hair start growing, and he inspired me to try a new hair color. I was so busy dealing with these issues that I did not realize the gifts that he gave me. I now have so much more going for me than my family member and though she has made me miserable my whole life with her rudeness and cruel words to me, I need to just get over her, because I have so much more right now than she will ever have and there is no use getting distressed over someone like that and letting her even make me sad.

Then today, he gave me the final help. I was thinking about Joyce Meyer and how she had forgiven her father for molesting her, and it came to my mind that she was able to do that maybe because she realized he was so caught up in the world and satan's lies that he made choices based on those lies, and that is why he did such horrible things to her, and once I realized that, that maybe that is what applied to my situation, that this was the case with them. All of the people involved in this except me are unbelievers and several are carnal Christians, one is not a carnal Christian, but since she doesn't know the whole story, she seems to be confused somewhat but still understands he's not a believer and cannot marry him so she stays out of it.

Hopefully, this helps someone. I have to head out of the house right now, and might come back on here and edit this for grammar. But I was so miserable with unforgiveness that I had to put this up in case it will help someone else. God Bless You All. And God does have something better in store for us.

My dreams about unfaithful mates have been true with 3 previous guys before this time. I always dismissed them because I was not a Christian at the time and thought it could just be a fluke. Even after I found out the guys had cheated with the very girl I had dreamed of, I always attributed it to weird and coincidental. I never thought to ask for proof until Christ came into my life. He truly does work to Save you from confusion. Never reject that Gift! ​

 

[Danus]

Welcome to the site daffodil.

I think you'll find some encouraging support here.

 

[God's_gift]

welcome to CF.net

 

[Gordon]

Sorry to hear all that has happened to you. Whenever I need to forgive I think of all the things I have done against God and how he has forgiven me. I realize I have no right to not forgive someone. This is probably easier for me since I'm more of an intellectual person than emotional.

If the mother of my child was demanding a lie detector because of a dream she had I would probably be dismissive if I was innocent but I'd take the test. I'd guess you are right if he supposedly was willing to let you go on principal. In the past did you catch your partner in the act or did they admit to it? If my partner had this kind of history with her dreams that would be another reason to consent to it.

I know all about God bringing you out of confusion. God must be watching out for you and your child. I hope whoever God is bringing into your life comes soon.

 

[daffodil]

Sorry to hear all that has happened to you. Whenever I need to forgive I think of all the things I have done against God and how he has forgiven me. I realize I have no right to not forgive someone. This is probably easier for me since I'm more of an intellectual person than emotional.

If the mother of my child was demanding a lie detector because of a dream she had I would probably be dismissive if I was innocent but I'd take the test. I'd guess you are right if he supposedly was willing to let you go on principal. In the past did you catch your partner in the act or did they admit to it? If my partner had this kind of history with her dreams that would be another reason to consent to it.

I know all about God bringing you out of confusion. God must be watching out for you and your child. I hope whoever God is bringing into your life comes soon.

Thank you for your comments. There were many other things as well. When we moved to town, I was still pregnant and about to give birth, and in the hospital we had an issue with the staff there. In order to comfort him, she took my ex's face and put it in her breasts in a deep long embrace.

She is an older family member also, someone that I have been taught to respect, someone that I grew up with. So the fact that she refused a lie detector test is almost preposterous. My ex and I are both 35. She looks younger but is in her 60s. Several people in my life over the years have said that they think she is jealous of me.

Her and my ex have been flirting the whole time since we moved here, and she has been emotionally abusive to me my whole life, so she's always had motivation. Also, when she met a previous guy I was with, the first thing she said was that he had really nice eyes, and I thought it was strangely flirtatious but I dismissed it. He could not stand her and thought she was a horrible person overall anyway, so I had no reason for concern.

But then she said the same thing to my ex, and he responded, because she was just his type I think. Plus he talked about her all the time, every day he found a reason to bring her into several conversations. I also saw him mouth the words "I love you," to her after our son was born.

Because she was so much older, I kept dismissing things that maybe he was looking for a family experience, because he does not have any family members he is close to and his mom is dead. I thought he was trying to replace his mother.

God specifically led me to ask him for a lie detector. After I had the dream, I didn't know what to do, because I realized it did have meaning. My ex loved watching the Maury Povich show and all the time while he watched it, whenever someone was cheating, he would always say to himself out loud, "If they're cheating, why would they agree to a lie detector test in the first place," and he would say how stupid they were for it, and get noticeably annoyed at their stupidity.

The moment he said that the day or two after I had the dream, it's like God froze that moment in my mind, and it was almost like I heard a voice, but it was just a clear, clear feeling.

Though my ex had said this same thing like 4 times a week every week for the past 2 years or so we had been together, it's like I never heard it until then, and God said, "See there, ask him to take a lie detector. There is your chance for freedom from this." I had always been suspicious of my ex and just had no proof and just kept staying with him even though I felt he had cheated many other times. I found women's hairs in his clothes, and everyone just kept telling me it was no big deal, they could have come from anywhere. He was always flirtatious with waitresses, I have had many dreams about him before especially when he worked on the road, etc.

So when God froze that moment for me, I realized that this was God's way of trying to finally give me clarity. So I asked him and he refused, but realized that only proved he was probably cheating which was almost enough. It saved me from a lot of pain, confusion and frustration, but I needed to make sure my family member wasn't involved, and I was still skeptical about just believing the whole dream thing.

When my aunt (the Christian family member that does not know the whole story) and I came home from church the day that I dreamed it happened, the suspicious family member was running around in her underwear acting all weird and asking us how she looked in her new makeup. It was incredibly strange, but still not enough to say for sure. We live in a small family apartment building, so my ex and I lived downstairs and the family member had her own place as well as other members of the family have their own small apartments in the same building. My ex and her were the only ones left in the building that day.

So since she is an older woman in her 60s, I just thought for sure that she would at least just take the test or confess and I would just move on and forgive her. So the next day, after I asked my boyfriend, I asked her.

Also, she works for the government and has to take routine lie detectors for work. It was ridiculous for her to refuse me. I asked her to please take it to ease my mind, and she refused and started talking all this weird stuff about how hurt she was I did not believe her. So I decided to ask her what her advice would be in my situation. And she talked normally, that she would not believe dreams even if several had been true before. Then I asked her what she thought of him.

Her voice started cracking like a pre-teen boy and would rise to these high pitches every time she said his name or referred to him as a good guy who loved me and our son very much, which was undoubtedly strange, then she went to leave, she told me that she loved me.

Okay, as I said before, this woman has been emotionally abusive to me since I can remember. When I was a kid she always called me stupid. She deliberately says insulting things to me, but only in front of certain family members that won't do anything about it. She has not told me I love you outright on her own since I was probably 14 years old. When she said, "I love you," and gave me a kiss and hug. Unfortunately, that's when I kind of knew she was lying, but still wanted to believe her because it felt nice for once to have her "love." But then that night I dreamed of her and my ex having a conversation. My ex was asking her, "Are you sure it's right for us to lie to her if God gave her a dream?" and she threw one of my son's washcloths on the ground and said, "It's best for the baby." So then I knew that God was being very clear with me at that point.

Oh and just in case it helps anyone, the dream where you know someone is unfaithful is, either you dream of them in the act with the other person, or you dream that your mate and the other person are walking away from you, or closing the door on you as they go into a room or away from you in some way. If you see the other person's face clearly, then that is the person they are cheating on you with. God seems to be very clear with these dreams. If you see the person's face, it is the person. If you see the person from the side or back, your mate is cheating with someone that looks like or is in some way very similar to the person you are seeing from the side or back.

Oh and to answer your question, in the 3 previous relationships, I eventually found out my dreams were true, from all three because they acknowledged it happened. One guy got really drunk and confessed randomly one day, and I asked him to describe the girl and it was the girl I dreamed of. That was the first time. He didn't even know I had a dream.

The second time was with a guy who was a player. He did not care that he was cheating and was proud of it. When the relationship started, he wasn't like that but eventually it turned into that because we were a big part of the nightlife. He confirmed several of my dreams and thought it was funny I had "psychic dreams," he called them.

The third guy asked for my number and told me he was single. That night I dreamed of him and a girl we knew mutually, but I saw her from the side. Let's call her Sheila. The next day he ran up to me and told me not to listen to a girl I had never met before, we'll call her Megan. He said that Megan might say something to me but that they were broken up now. Well, I asked around, and he had broken up with Megan just recently and when I finally saw her, she looked almost exactly like Sheila.

I hope that is everything. This is such a long and ridiculous story, but I know that if I stumbled across someone with this experience earlier, it might have helped me to not feel so incredibly alone for so long, and it also would have helped me get past my pain and forgive quicker.

If my family member had just confessed, I would have forgiven them both right away. I still would not have been with my ex again and been hurt, but I would have been able to forgive easier, but instead she went on to turn every member of my family she could against me and tell them how crazy I was for leaving such a wonderful guy. She made the situation public, and I cannot stand up for myself and show respect for her at the same time, so I have been stuck. It's a miserable thing to witness. It's like you watch people turn against you like you are outside your own body or something. You just watch and you have to be silent and let it run its course.

Because I am a Christian now, I have to honor my elder family members, so I have not told anyone the details. She has only told details to people that are supportive to her in all things, and others she has completely manipulated to be against me and my decision not to marry him. That is the cruelest part of it all. Even my fellow Christian family member is now distant from me because she and everyone else thinks I broke up with him for purely personal reasons because I wanted to be single and live the fast life or something. It is horrible.

It is so frustrating when you are denied justice and have to watch a person that is basically a crook skip around nefariously causing mayhem and ruining your reputation with lies, but God has told me several times that he is going to take justice on her, just at a certain time that is not now. That is why I wanted desperately to get to a place of forgiveness because I knew God was going to take care of things in his own way, and my only job was to obey him and behave like a Christian while I waited for Him, but my anger was getting the better of me. Now that I have forgiven, I can finally wait patiently for God.

 

[daffodil]

Thank you all for your greetings of Welcome. I can't wait to explore the rest of this forum. May, God Bless You All!

 

[Gordon]

Thats quite the sacrifice your making by not trying to expose her and avoiding confrontation. I don't know why you can't say you suspected infidelity without mentioning your relative though. If you don't have some reason you're required to live by her I'd move out too if you haven't already. I also hope for your son's sake your ex is a better father than partner.

I think your dreams are really interesting. Though it's sad why you have them. They are so literal and the subconscious usually isn't like that. I've had a couple visions but nothing so straight forward. I'd wonder what the deeper meaning is maybe you know. What does God want from you or for you? Maybe I'd ask myself why am I living next to her and why am I so convinced I have to accept how she treats me? Once again praying things turn around for you and things go better for you.

 

[daffodil]

Thats quite the sacrifice your making by not trying to expose her and avoiding confrontation. I don't know why you can't say you suspected infidelity without mentioning your relative though. If you don't have some reason you're required to live by her I'd move out too if you haven't already. I also hope for your son's sake your ex is a better father than partner.

I think your dreams are really interesting. Though it's sad why you have them. They are so literal and the subconscious usually isn't like that. I've had a couple visions but nothing so straight forward. I'd wonder what the deeper meaning is maybe you know. What does God want from you or for you? Maybe I'd ask myself why am I living next to her and why am I so convinced I have to accept how she treats me? Once again praying things turn around for you and things go better for you.

We moved here because they always encourage family too. Their dream was to build like a Dallas Southfork or Dynasty thing. However, if I recall, those families were always at odds with each other.

I have gotten my money together to move next month. She is my mother. This is why it would dishonor her to tell others. It would also cause chaos in me and my son's life.

When she told others, she told my brother and father, both nonChristians, and at first they said I was crazy and believed her and thought I should seek help. Then I told them how he was constantly talking about her and wanting to spend time with her. So they let it go as misunderstanding. She did not tell my Christian relative (her sister) because I think she realized that she would not believe her and take her side fully.

Then, we were watching that HBO series Rome which just made me fall asleep. People were all being so mean to one another and sneaking around and it was just decadent for the sake of decadence. So I just took a nap mostly when my son was asleep, but when he was up, I was feeding him and taking care of him etc. She was drinking. It was after Father's Day which was why I was even hanging out in the first place there. My dad lives in another country b/c of real estate deals or something they say, but he and mom are still married and he was home. He comes home like 3 times a year.

Then she kept making all these ridiculous comments b/c in the story a woman had an affair with her sister's husband while her own husband was away at war. And she was drunk I think and so into the story. And was saying things like "oh well if that happened it's best that the husband and the sister don't know. It's best for the baby," and my brother was like, "Yeah you're darn right." And she kept saying how the husband she cheated on didn't know and was an old fool. And my dad was washing dishes and just listening to her. Then he came over and sat down and she said it again, and he said, "He knows." Then she started commenting on other parts of the story.

So honestly, I'm not sure if my brother knows and is lying or if they just both figured out she was lying at that point or if they still believe her. However, I know you have to honor your parents no matter what which is why the Joyce Meyer forgiveness stood out to me, and this would just turn outrageous probably if I told anyone else in the family and either humiliate her or start constant arguments as she fought back.

It might also endanger the peace of my life with my son that I have and I just want to get out of here as fast as possible and away from them. They are heathens and I know God does not want me here arguing with them and debating nonsense.

I honestly wish my son's father would disappear. I think he's not a good guy, but a very good liar and actor. He loves poker which I just thought was about money, but I realized that it was also about getting away with lying.

I think he's a bad influence, but I've prayed to God about it now that I know the truth and for that and I know God will inspire him to either stay in our lives or move on, whichever is best. There's nothing I can do but hope and wait on God for that.

I think God gave me those dreams simply because of the men that I dated. I was never taught about God and Christ, which led me to be part of a party girl lifestyle, modern, club life etc. I always wanted a marriage and family though, but the men I sought it from were bad guys, and I really didn't know how to move past them. I think God has just been trying to bring me closer to him, and to choosing someone better and not being afraid to be alone while I waited.

Without God, I would have fallen for this guy's lies and probably married him. I prayed about my anger over my mother because I have to reforgive her every day. And God explained to me last night that in the end, she did me a favor. That I must honor her for the physical things and health she gave me and the ability to discount shop well (because that is one thing I am grateful for. though it sounds silly probably, it saves me a lot of money), and God said to me that I was heading for a miserable life with this guy, and though mom meant to hurt me and betray me and sneak around behind my back, because it probably would not have ended had I not confronted them with the dream, He had used it for my good, to get me away from a life with a truly cruel man that did not love me at all.

 

[Gordon]

Sorry to hear that. It could also be possible he didn't take the lie detector because he was cheating or had cheated with other women. It might also be possible that your mother did refuse it on principal as she is your mother and so much older. It could also just have been like an emotional affair as you say he wanted a mother figure. I'm just saying you can't be sure of something so horrible as this without real proof. You are basically saying not only did your mother do this to you but she is also trying to make you question your sanity over it. Thats a very unusually cruel thing to do. As a hypothetical what if you agreed that you might need to seek help. Then come back with the psychologist said I needed you to take the lie detector to prove to me you didn't do this and to help with my treatment. It does seem like something you definetly need to get to the bottom of. For your relationship with your mother and and as like a reality check. For you own peace of mind and then you'd know you werent drifting into a paranoia. I wouldn't read too much into the insinuation of their conversations that isn't good for you. You don't know if God sent you the first 3 dreams and then it was just your subconscious the last time. It's good you're moving out if she's abusive either way. I know this might sound kind of mean but I've suffered from paranoia and looking for insinuation in conversations is something I've done in the past. I hope you get to the bottom of this.

I hope your son does grow up with some father figure as God relates to us as a father. So it might be more important than your relationship to how he relates to God.

I think in addition to what you think the reason is for your dreams, maybe God wants you to see yourself better. As a child of God I'm saying, someone who almighty God cares for and who deserves better.

 

[daffodil]

Sorry to hear that. It could also be possible he didn't take the lie detector because he was cheating or had cheated with other women. It might also be possible that your mother did refuse it on principal as she is your mother and so much older. It could also just have been like an emotional affair as you say he wanted a mother figure. I'm just saying you can't be sure of something so horrible as this without real proof. You are basically saying not only did your mother do this to you but she is also trying to make you question your sanity over it. Thats a very unusually cruel thing to do. As a hypothetical what if you agreed that you might need to seek help. Then come back with the psychologist said I needed you to take the lie detector to prove to me you didn't do this and to help with my treatment. It does seem like something you definetly need to get to the bottom of. For your relationship with your mother and and as like a reality check. For you own peace of mind and then you'd know you werent drifting into a paranoia. I wouldn't read too much into the insinuation of their conversations that isn't good for you. You don't know if God sent you the first 3 dreams and then it was just your subconscious the last time. It's good you're moving out if she's abusive either way. I know this might sound kind of mean but I've suffered from paranoia and looking for insinuation in conversations is something I've done in the past. I hope you get to the bottom of this.

I hope your son does grow up with some father figure as God relates to us as a father. So it might be more important than your relationship to how he relates to God.

I think in addition to what you think the reason is for your dreams, maybe God wants you to see yourself better. As a child of God I'm saying, someone who almighty God cares for and who deserves better.

Thank you for your comments and insight, Gordon.

Yes, that conversation thing can be nothing. I thought it was odd though because I actually had the dream where she said it was "best for the baby" to lie to me, and dropped his washcloth on the ground back in November 2011 when I asked them both to take the test.

On Father's Day 2012, was when she was drinking and saying all of those things, months later. Also, she kept emphasizing how eventually the two sisters in the show made up in spite of things. She kept pointing out how a character had chosen an older woman as his wife when he had a younger woman offered to him and my brother was just like, "Yes that is intriguing."

The other part that was weird was that she stopped completely after my dad came over and said that the husband knew. She started following a completely different storyline with her banter at that point, So it was just weird. They could have also just been messing with my head because they knew I believed something happened. But in the end, it was just weird and proves nothing. I know what you mean.

I do realize that the lie detector thing on his part could have just been because he cheated, especially because of the Maury comment that God brought to light for me and also, I have found girls' hairs in areas of his clothes where I don't need to go into detail. He claimed it was from shaving and I let it go because I was so pregnant and nauseous I could not deal with or face that at the time. I made sure to check him again later after we had our son, and his shaved hairs were totally different from the 1+ foot long straight ones I found. My hair was about 6 or 8 inches, curly African American at the time I found the hairs. I have a relaxer now, but my hair was natural then and nothing like the hairs I found all in his clothes when I was pregnant.

So either way, I'm pretty sure he was cheating. On her end, my mother just does not really see me as her child unless I am in some sort of possible danger, like when I had a car accident or when I had surgery. Any other time, I'm just a target for the most part. I think she just thinks because I'm a girlie girl that I deserve it and can take it, and even though I have told her I can't, I just don't think she cares. She is very political and kind of analytical, condescending type and so is my ex.

They were constantly looking to spend time together and he was always inviting her to breakfast even when I asked him not to. Unfortunately, if this had been a woman our age, everyone would have told ME that they were cheating, the way they were acting around each other and talking about one another when the other wasn't around was just so ridiculous. One time, we all went out to dinner like aunt, uncle cousins, me, my ex my bother like a bunch of us for my brother's birthday or something, and my mom just turned to my ex and was like would you like to share an entree? Like out of all of the people at the table, you choose my boyfriend who you supposedly have no ties to except through me? And it was always like that, they always chose one another.

So, I just think looking past the age is key here. Honestly, their behavior was just like two people that were attracted to one another. And even when I told him that she was emotionally abusive to me and called me stupid when I was little, he always stood up for her.

When you love someone, you are almost always on their side, even when they're wrong especially in the honeymoon stage. I mean there's usually an end to it of course if the person is really wrong and you just can't agree with them, but it just always seemed like they were falling in love to me, and from a female perspective, I just think they're lying. Take away the age difference and the fact that she is my mother, and my other family members would be completely understanding of my not wanting to marry him if he was acting like that towards some mutual friend we had or something.

In regards to her making me question my sanity and lying, it's completely up her alley. When she didn't take the test, I called her a sociopath, and I have called her a predator before I was saved because of the way she treats me. I know the sociopath comment was wrong as a Christian, but I was only a few months into my beliefs at the time and forgiveness was far, far away to say the least. I wanted to, but could not even fathom how to because of what was going on. I was so angry at the position I was now in emotionally with her refusing the test I just reacted. It just does not make sense to me. If I was being honest, and my child had dreams like that that were true, I would take that test in a heartbeat. I wouldn’t question statistics and reliability. Her reaction just makes no sense to me as a mother. But I repent of the insult now and understand why forgiveness is so important. Without it, the cycle never ends. Every day the forgiveness brings so many new things to light. I am saddened about how angry and unable to forgive I was back then.

In addition to this whole thing, my mother has done many other things. The biggest previous thing was I wanted to go to art school my whole life and she said I could in college. Then college came and she said no that I had to go to a liberal arts school so I did.

Growing up, she said I could do whatever I wanted in college and study what I wanted as long as I got good grades. Then they decided they did not like the hippie like girl I became (i was also partying etc. also which my dad did when he was younger and considered myself bisexual) however they did not teach me any of this was wrong growing up, so I really did not understand where they were coming from at the time. In any event, as a nonChristian, I realized these were a phase, and could not understand their decision. Now I see how very wrong my behavior was and why I reaped consequences, but I was raised heathen so I don't know what they expected. However, I now realize that the consequences were from God, delivered through their decision. I just always blamed them because "everybody was doing it." You know the worldly drill. I just thought it wasn't a big deal.

The ironic thing is now, I'm the bad guy for saying homosexuality is wrong and she is standing up for it and saying that my aunt the Christian (who works in the theater) is not so judgmental of gays as I am. She considers her not as serious a Christian as me, (this during the conversation where she was trying to get me to marry my ex even though he was an unbeliever)

It's nuts. She takes away my education over that behavior and turns around says something like this. This is why I realize that the things she does are just to hurt me. In school, I was very popular, and was performing in a lot of shows. I had many friends and a great life. The parties and bisexuality were pretty common in 1995ish years for many nonChristian college girls. However, I just think she realized that I would be successful in an arts career at the rate I was going, and got jealous. I was going to a school where many successful artists graduated from, and I just think she could not bear that happening for me.

Though I had an excellent GPA, they refused to help me return to school and I didn't qualify for assistance. I couldn't afford to go back on my own.

They tricked me and asked me to take a semester at another school. If I liked it, I would stay, if not I could go back. When I said I did not like it, they said too bad and I had to stay at the new school or figure something else out. My mother said my dad made the whole decision himself, and he and my brother stand by that, but I think she is lying. I know she was pivotal in helping him to that decision. But whatever. My school was always her thing, he really never cared that much.

So her behavior just followed suit after the sociopath comment. With her it's always like she has to win against me. If I'm near death, all of a sudden she's my mother, but any other time, she is like a girl in a bar that's jealous of me and ready to jump into any conversation against me, criticize my clothes, flirt with (and probably sleep with) my boyfriends, whatever else she can think of. It's tiresome.

Like she said something that gave me a glimpse into her thought process that I never had before. Like I said, our family watched Dallas back in the 80s etc.. My favorite characters were Pam and Bobby, though I liked the whole show. But I always wanted to be like Pam when I was little, I thought she was so pretty, sweet and ladylike, and we were all watching the new Dallas recently and I was telling my aunt and Grandma how I felt about Pam and my mom just looked at me and said, I always thought Pam was a wimp and kind of chuckled. So that could explain why we are so at odds all the time. I don't know. I've always tried to understand how you could be so mean to your own child, but maybe she sees the type of woman I strive to be as ridiculous or pathetic and can't control herself.

In regards to the accusations, I understand what you mean. I realize that in the end, I have no proof, which is also why I dropped it. I can't defend a dream and though the police use refusals of lie detectors to determine a suspect they might want to look closer at, they are not admissible in court. So, in the end, maybe, maybe not. But is she capable of doing unusually cruel things to me? She has done them my whole life.

For her, since I am not like her, she feels justified. Her and my brother are very close, and both very analytical, political etc. I am an artist, singer, designer. I like the color pink. I was hippie in college, in other words, to them, a flaky justifiable target that needs to change. And no matter how much I have told them that their treatment of me hurts me, they don't really care.

If he slept with my mom, they’d think I deserve it because in their opinion, I'm a flake because I'm not interested in NPR etc. Accusing me of not being sane and forcing me to question my sanity is exactly how she would respond to being called a sociopath, so that might shed some light on it.

And tricking me and lying to me to get me to stay with someone they like and deem "sensible," even if he did sleep with my mom is something she and my brother are completely capable of carrying out. This is another reason why I'm just leaving. I don't like being around here. It was my ex's idea to try to be closer to my family. So, I said we could move here because I knew he wanted to, and I thought he would stop worrying so much about money, but he is like them, they are like him, he always worries about money and material things. He and they are like Judas and care mostly about money, things, status etc. They really don't care if I'm hurt etc. I'm sure you get the picture by now.

I think I am going on eharmony in the future and letting the system choose someone for me based on my personality. I think I might naturally choose people that don't love me and are critical of me because of my family dynamic, because it's what I know, and then the people I've chosen are bound to be unhappy with me and some cheat on me in the end because of that. I figure that's the best solution when I'm ready to date again.

 

[Gordon]

I can't claim to know your mother better than you do but my gut is starting to tell me there is a good chance this didn't happen. You seem to be saying when the chips are down she is a mother to you. Peoples true colors are usually revealed when things aren't good. My parents don't say they love me and have been very critical and just mean when I was a child but I know they love me. I'm not saying your mother is good to you or a decent parent but if she is really there when you need her I don't think she'd do this to you. It's just too cruel for someone who even occassionally shows they care. She would have to have some kind of mental illness or just be very trashy. No offense. I just think you're underestimating the fact you are her child.

Sharing a meal and comments made during tv shows are very light evidence. They can also drive you crazy by reading too much into them. Reading your posts you have a bit of a victim mentality. You see and assume the worst because of whats happen to you in your life. Think about all you've said. Not only has your mother cheated with your ex. She tried to make you think your crazy. Your brother also knows and hasn't told you. Your father agrees this probably happened but is not telling you. Your mother is trying to turn the family against you. It's like a full blown conspiracy at this point. I really suggest forcing the issue on this lie detector. It would serve as a good reality check and save you a lot of trouble in the future. I know this is not christian advice but I'd claim your psychologist suggested it. Or ask one and maybe they would. I'm hoping it's just so much bad has happened to your starting to expect it. You could also be right and either way I think you need to see a psychologist for this. I think also a psychologist might help make you more conscious of choices in partners you are making unconsciously. I saw a counselor through my county mental health services for a rate based on my income. I'd see if you have this it could be of real help to you in getting over your abuse and making sense of all this. I care about you as a sister in Christ and I'll continue to pray for you. Keep me updated if you could I'm hoping you get to the bottom of this.

 

[daffodil]

No, she's not there for me when the chips are down. She will just show up to make sure that I'm not dead. I think something physical like a sickness happens. She is not necessarily emotional or caring. I think it is just a physical primal attachment to something major happening to your child. After my accident and after I had surgery, she came to see me to make sure I was okay and just stared at me mostly. That is it. I will explain.

When I have come to her for help after bad breakups or because I needed money or compassion she basically has no real compassion. She throws it all in my face to this day, so I never go to her anymore when I'm upset. So when the chips are down, I just deal with it.

She was nice to me when I was pregnant, I think just because she wanted a grandchild. I would really never describe her as there for me, unless I beg for her assistance, and then she throws it in my face. I don't think that there's a full blown conspiracy. I just don't think my mother and brother care too much if bad things happen to me. They think I deserve it.

The rest of my family doesn't know the whole story and just thinks I wanted to be single. Also, after I left school, in anger, I worked as an exotic dancer, and I just think that the two of them don't care if I am with a guy that cheats on me. It was a mistake, I know now, but it was as close as I could come to recreating the life I had in college. Performing and partying mixed into one. The friendships weren't genuine, but I just pretended they were. It was an escape. In addition, with no college education it was a way to make money at something that was vaguely artistic.

I worked mostly in clubs that were stage dancing, though I eventually fell into negative situations because of the environment. While I danced and ran the streets, they did not care anything about me. Now that I'm Christian, and a mom, with good job, and doing the right thing, no partying or interest in it, they have problems with me. As long as I'm unsuccessful, she is fine. When I start to do better, she tries to tear me down. It's always this way.

I also know that the guys I have met are repercussions of meeting them in that lifestyle and are not above sleeping with a family member, even my mother for a notch on their belt, so that might clarify why I don't feel that my ex and mother are above such an act, and also why God would allow such a horrible thing to happen to me. As you sow so shall you reap. I didn't turn away from dancing because of God, only because I had a boyfriend, and though I had become a Christian, I had not repented of my life before I was a Christian the first time and the life I led after I left my ex husband. So, God dealt with me.

Gradually, God has shown me other things that I have done wrong, including the obvious ones like dancing or being a party girl, or using profanity, but even the not so obvious ones to others like the time I spend with Him, doing what it takes to honor and forgive my parents and praying if it gets hard, giving and tithing etc. That's why I say, down the line He is showing me why I should have been and must be truly repentant in my heart for all that I have done, because if I am not, he has no choice but to dole out justice. He is God, He is Good.

I know that my brother does not really care about something like this happening to me and does not like me in general, so if it was true, he would believe my mother and if he found out she was lying, he would still support her without care. My father knowing about it is reaching yes, that's why I said, I don't know if they still believe her or not.

I do realize though that in the end, I will find out if it's true or not, because God will take justice or he won't. Every bad thing I have ever done that I was not truly repentant for, God has re-payed me for.

Now that I understand more about Him and right and wrong, and why things happened the way they did in my life, he has forgiven me for some things I think because he realizes that I am truly repentant and in many ways just did not know right from wrong.

So if she is truly innocent, time will show that, so I am not too concerned about proof. God has told me repeatedly that He will take justice on her, and it is always a very clear message, which is why forgiveness was just so crucial, because I know God is there for me and if I just stayed in unforgiveness it would not be showing appreciation for that.

As far as being trashy, or mental illness, I called her a sociopath because I honestly think that she is. However, it was not honoring her to tell her that and I was wrong. I think that is also why I she turned it around on me because she knows that I see her for what she is. No one else brings it out of her because I do think in my heart she is jealous of me. Others have said it my whole life, but it wasn't until this happened that I agreed with it for myself.

My actual words to her were that I think she's a sociopath and I think she's dangerous to me, and in some ways I think she is. I'm a target for her, and an emotional punching bag. When you have a baby though, there is a physical soul connection to your baby, and I don't think no matter how much she might dislike me and want to hurt me, that she would not physically feel my physical death if it had occured during the accident or the surgery. It wasn't something I understood until I had my son. It's in my stomach and my heart and shoulders sometimes. It's an aching and a genuine grieving when your child is physically in pain.

He has had some health issues that have scared me so, I know it. That is where her reaction comes from I feel to my surgery and accident. However, I don't think that means that she loves me or even likes me. I think it's just a physical, primal connection you have to your blood child, because she is not affected even slightly by my emotional pain.

I understand what you think, and unfortunately, it's just what most people are going to think, until they have a similar dream or experience with a dream being true. That's just something I have to accept.

I agree with you though about reading things into comments that they have made and think it's better to just go on things they have said to me directly. I guess I have just been seeking the "why's" and the "i'm sorrys," or the "i'll take the tests," so much and there are none, that I just hope to hear them in some way. Other than that, I still do think that she is lying and that's just my gut. I understand however, how someone else might not.

All of the above, my brother has already said to me, his feelings to me, where his loyalties lie etc, so that's not an imagined conspiracy and I don't think my dad is against me, I just think he believed my mother, and I hoped his comment meant that he did not, but there is no way to know what his comment meant without asking him, which I'm not going to do. I think my dad loves me, but he loves her too.

I think my mother turned my family against me in order to force me to stay with my ex. I honestly think that they did sleep together, and they never thought in a million years that I would figure anything out. I think it would have gone on indefinitely had nothing happened.

I think her guilt and panic made her try to get me to change my mind. When I did not change my mind, she started telling my family members all of the lies that I just wanted to be single, and I only care about myself and that's why I was leaving my ex type of stuff. This in turn made them confront me about my decision. I had to defend my decision to my dad, grandmother and aunt because of this. I don't think it's conspiracy, but just a way for her to try to force me to stay with him when she had no other way. If she made them dislike me, they would continue to force the topic with me, which they did.

This is one of several reasons why I think she's a sociopath, because she uses people like that. If she's going to try and get them to convince me to stay with him, why not tell them everything that happened. Instead, she lied to them in order to make them react and confront and attack me. I told her that I could not tell them because it would dishonor her, so she knew that I would not tell them, but she could have if she was genuinely concerned about what was happening and not just trying to manipulate the situation.

In any event, my dad constantly questioned my decision (because he believed her), and my grandmother challenged me on it, my aunt dropped it after about 2 times I think because she realized he was an unbeliever and she was not advising me as a Christian should.

No one saw them flirting, because they never did it in front of the family, and all I can say is that they did. I've been cheated on before by men that confessed to the act, I know what flirting looks like and my instincts have always been correct. Also, the first time he told me he loved me, he mouthed the words "olive juice, and interchanged it with "i love you." I caught him doing the same thing to my mom soon after my son was born. I was looking in the other direction and something just made me look at him, and he was doing it. He also stuck his head out the door and did it on Valentine's Day this year. There were so many things like that, and as a woman, all I can say is that. There were just so many things.

People will have their opinions, but I know in my heart what happened. It sounds like a crazy story, I know it sounds unbelievable, I know the whole dream thing makes it sound even less credible, however, I just pray that God can show you what you need to see without hurting you. I also know that my experience will help someone else which is why I posted. There is a supernatural side to our God, and that's all I can say. He will show you more if it is necessary.

I was at church a few weeks ago and a girl that was a volunteer at Sunday school was telling me she had constant sinus infections. I was sick with a cold and she told me about her issue. Then I told her that there just had to be something herbal that could keep that at bay or maybe even coconut oil? Well, I got over my cold mostly, then my son got some kind of bug. I caught that bug, and it seemed to compound with the cold I had before. I realized a day or two later that I had a sinus infection when I could smell and taste the congestion in my nose, throat and mouth. It was darn gross and miserable. I have never in my life ever had a sinus infection. This then forced me to find that natural solution to her problem, that I just knew had to exist. So now I can actually go back to her with a real solution.

I find God does that a lot.

I was actually a Christian several years back, but walked away because I was married, and he was abusive (physically) and was unfaithful mostly with porn and things, but then he cheated with a girl that was dating one of his band mates. Christians were telling me that I had to stay with him because we were married and I wanted to leave because he was abusive and unfaithful. I did not read the Bible for myself and took their word. I walked away from Christ because I thought I could not leave. because he was abusive, I could have left him and not remarried just for my own safety, also you can leave a marriage if there is adultery.

But since I was following their words and not the Bible, I walked away from God to leave him. I thought I had to forgive him and stay.

I had to forgive him yes, but I could leave and not remarry for my own safety even without the infidelity, I could have started dating others after he moved on. With the infidelity, I could have just left and moved on with my life, remarried, whatever. Yet I walked away from God instead.

When I returned to God last year, I realized that I needed to understand forgiveness. I could not forgive my parents for college, and I did not forgive my ex husband because I thought forgiveness meant letting him beat me and cheat on me and I stay with him. As I returned to God, I realized I had misunderstood it, and I just think God allowed the devil to create this double whammy of adultery from a boyfriend that even involved my mother, both of the things I could not forgive, because I was so vocal about not understanding forgiveness.

I say this to you because I think you might experience something eventually in your life that might help you understand where I am coming from better. However, I do not want you to experience any pain, but I do want you to understand.

The last time I said that prayer, I said it for myself. I remembered to pray for no pain because I already learned a painful lesson a year before with my accident. I was pregnant and wanted to make sure that I taught my son the right thing about God. I was feeling convicted about Christ my whole pregnancy, so I asked God to tell me the Truth without pain.

Well, my son's due date came and went and I heard no Word from God, so I was following a pagan religion of my own creation. He still wasn't born yet though. Lol, he took his time. But it just shows that God does things in His own time.

Then we were watching a news show and my ex heard a name that he liked. I liked it to, but the boy who had the name was sick. Well, I got scared and worried about giving my son a name if the person was sick. My ex thought the kid was a tough survivor. I realized then that I needed God. That my pagan religion did not protect me from pagan philosophies like the worry I was experiencing. So I looked up the name to see what it meant, and it was the name of a man who showed his family how to follow God. And right there, in beautiful, brilliance and all His Glory, without pain, He told me the Truth.

And I know that your concerns and advice are heartfelt and genuine, but I also know that there is a truth that only God can show you and there is a supernatural element to Christianity that is very real. However, I do not want you to experience any pain, just maybe understand why I feel the things I do, so I will pray for that.

I agree that I should not read things into comments and statements that are not directly referencing an issue. That is probably creating more paranoia than necessary, so that observation is helpful and I thank you. However, my statements about my brother above were all things he physically said addressing the issue at hand. And unfortunately, aside from reading into comments, everything else, and the encounter itself, I know in my gut is true. I can't explain it any more than that. However, I will also pray that if I am somehow wrong despite my personal experience, that God shows me the Truth as well if that is what I need to see, without pain and that He blesses us both with His Wisdom and His Love and His Peace in this life and for all of eternity in Heaven.

 

[Gordon]

I have experienced the supernatural but not from God unless I was led by the Holy Spirit to be tempted. From the sound of it God may have to be very active in your life because you were in a lot of trouble. I don't want to take that experience away from you. I'm just reflecting back to you what I'm hearing. I also can hear how hurt you are by your family.

When I say I think there is a good chance this didn't happen I mean just that it's a chance. I don't really know but if there was a way to be sure of something like this I'd take it. I hear the fact you live right next to her, and she's abusive, and your ex has a history of cheating, and your father doesn't live in the home. There is a lot of circumstantial evidence. On the other hand you're starting to reach too and it's not good for your mind even if it's true. I just felt a lie detector would settle this quite well as you originally thought. I'd think it could only lead to a positive outcome because you already believe she did this. Hearing from your exes admitting to your dreams must have been somewhat reassuring. My own testimony is very hard to believe so I know where you are coming from.

I used to go out and try and pickup women for one night stands on like a daily basis. I also did this at strip clubs just lying and saying whatever I thought would work. Thankfully, I too was shown how wrong this behavior is. Every Christian has something they are not proud of.

Sorry to hear you were physically abused thats just awful. I really think you need to see some kind of psychologist though to help you deal with all of this. I can tell by your posts this is something you want too. To be heard, and understood, and advised. There is nothing wrong with getting counseling.

You're absolutely right and I would definately like to experience more of God supernaturally in my life. I've experienced way too much of Satan supernaturally in my life. Thank you for your prayers. I also think thats a cool story how you came to Christ again.

Hopefully someone else will give you some feedback then you'll have more than one person giving you their experience of what you're saying.

 

[daffodil]

Thank you, Gordon for being a friend in Christ and for sharing your past shame too.

That was kind of you. I knew I had to tell the truth about my past, in order to make my point, but I really didn't want to because it was shameful. I really appreciated that you did that.

I understand where you are coming from about not being heard. I can see where you get that from my posts.

My main issue for going into detail and yes, over explaining is that it is hard to meet with skepticism in regards to my mother and the dreams, things I know to be true. It is also hard to wait for justice as people defend her and think I can't possibly be right, but it's something I'll just have to get used to, I guess.

However, I know God wants me to stand up for what is true and what he has shown me and in time, He will illuminate things for us all and provide us with all of the information we need.

I have done the therapy thing, and I am fine in that regard. I don't need it anymore. The therapist was the one of the main ones who told me I was fine and my mother was jealous of me. I might need therapy for being longwinded though, lol, but it comes in handy as a professional writer.

With the other stuff though, I am at peace with my past and I have forgiven my mother and everyone else I needed to forgive. God has shown me right from wrong and is very much my parent. If your mother and father forsake you (or are nonbelievers), He truly does step in and raise you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
​

Because of my previous long winded tangents though, I have to make sure that I am CLEAR about the main reasons that God put it on my heart to post this thread. They are these:
​

1.

If you are constantly having dreams, (or have even had just one or two dreams) about your partner cheating, walking away from you with another person, choosing another person over you to hang out with or sit with etc., or closing the door on you to be alone in a room or even an empty space hovering in the sky with another person, I truly believe that God is speaking to you.

HIV is real. I contracted a nonfatal std while I was in the relationship with the "player" guy I talked about above. I could have just as easily contracted HIV. If you are having these dreams, hire a private detective if you can afford one, put up a nanny cam, go out of town and have a trusted friend follow your mate whatever. Make sure for yourself that they are not cheating.

Yes, God does call us to forgive infidelity, but suicide is a sin, and if you have children, you need to try your best, God willing, to live for them as long as you can.

Most cheaters are not known to be the most discriminating of individuals. Many of them are not above sleeping with prostitutes if the mood strikes them. And if you are a man with a female mate that is cheating, cheating women also tend to find promiscuous, non-discriminating male partners to betray you with that can easily also carry disease even if they do not have to pay prostitutes.

If your mate cheats and you forgive and you truly trust them again, then by all means stay. However, if you find them cheating and you cannot trust that person again, move on with your life and choose life. You must forgive them from your heart, but move on for your own safety.

You can choose to believe me or not, but as Christians we all read the same Bible and we know that God talks to people through dreams in the Bible. He also conveyed critical information through dreams each and every time. Don't say that God never sent you a messenger about this one.

2.

Even though I worked as an exotic dancer, my partners' cheating hurt me like a regular girl. As a dancer, I didn't care about the customers. They were just dollar signs, free drinks, entertainment if they were funny and a couple of laughs. I can't speak for other dancers, but that was me.

However, I now have compassion for the women who actually do care about those guys and for the guys that need help controlling their lust and sex addictions.

So when I was in a relationship with someone, I was in love, and when someone you love cheats on you, it is one of the most devastating feelings to be passed over for someone else and rejected.

I know that there are much more violent and heinous crimes that people have to forgive as Christians, and I in no way want to belittle or even say that what I've been through compares to what they are going through.

I just know how hard it can be to actually forgive infidelity in your heart. You might say you do for a long time, but actually doing it might not be so easy. And God wanted me to post my path to that forgiveness for anyone that it might help specifically because my story was deeply humiliating and despicable and heartless.

You can forgive too.

We all believed satan's lies at some point and behaved accordingly, and anyone that has cheated on you is just doing the same thing, forgive them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~​

 

[Gordon]

Thank you, Gordon for being a friend in Christ and for sharing your past shame too.

That was kind of you. I knew I had to tell the truth about my past, in order to make my point, but I really didn't want to because it was shameful. I really appreciated that you did that.

I understand where you are coming from about not being heard. I can see where you get that from my posts.

My main issue for going into detail and yes, over explaining is that it is hard to meet with skepticism in regards to my mother and the dreams, things I know to be true. It is also hard to wait for justice as people defend her and think I can't possibly be right, but it's something I'll just have to get used to, I guess.

However, I know God wants me to stand up for what is true and what he has shown me and in time, He will illuminate things for us all and provide us with all of the information we need.

I have done the therapy thing, and I am fine in that regard. I don't need it anymore. The therapist was the one of the main ones who told me I was fine and my mother was jealous of me. I might need therapy for being longwinded though, lol, but it comes in handy as a professional writer.

With the other stuff though, I am at peace with my past and I have forgiven my mother and everyone else I needed to forgive. God has shown me right from wrong and is very much my parent. If your mother and father forsake you (or are nonbelievers), He truly does step in and raise you.

Well I'm glad I was able to help you tell your story and your message. I think it's always going to be hard for someone to accept the idea that a mother could do something like that to a child. But that really doesn't make it anymore or less true. If God has given you a message it's not really my place to question your truth and the test I should use is the Bible. I see that now.

 

[daffodil]

Well I'm glad I was able to help you tell your story and your message. I think it's always going to be hard for someone to accept the idea that a mother could do something like that to a child. But that really doesn't make it anymore or less true. If God has given you a message it's not really my place to question your truth and the test I should use is the Bible. I see that now.

It's weird, maybe the whole story is important somehow. I never planned to go into so much detail, however your replies brought it out of me, so maybe God wanted it there.

I definitely now understand that what I have shared is hard to stomach. It's not hard for me because I've lived my whole life with it.

Yes, it hurt, but I was not surprised. It was kind of a natural progression in an unfortunate way.

When I tell others, it puts my situation in perspective as to how truly different an experience with a mother is for most people, however the therapist I talked to had seen many strange and unfathomable things in his time, and was not phased at all by what I told him about. There were even times that he practically finished my sentences.

May God Bless you and keep you and your loved ones, Gordon, and may everyone you know and love be saved and go to Heaven with you!