help...I'm new and never used a forum before.

[Lindy]

Hello, my name is "Lindy".
I am seeking some helpful Christian advice from people who have been remarried. Just a brief summary, I was widowed for 7 years, and met a wonderful man who I have been married to for a year and a half. I love him with all my heart and he loves me and we are building a very strong marriage. I would not say that I have a problem per se, but just something that I struggle with that maybe someone else might understand and help me through. Through the course of time I have come to know my husband's ex wife because they do have three children. They are older the youngest one is 13 and we all attend events that they participate in. I get along great with the ex wife and she is also a Christian lady. I also firmly believe that it is in the best interest of the kids that we all get along and I understand the importance of good relations. I guess the thing that I struggle with, is that my husband passed so I have no connection with him and his family was very small and we really don't have much contact. When I am around my husband and his prior family during functions I just feel out of place when old stories come up and they reminisce about different things and finish each others sentences, laugh and just give each other side glances because of the memory that they just shared. I guess it is weird for me because they are sharing something sacred that belongs only to them in their marriage before they knew that they were going to be divorced. There was a time when there was love there. So when these memories come up it just makes me really uncomfortable. I understand there are no feelings however it is very uncomfortable for me because I feel like an outsider. How do I cope with these feelings?

 

[Warrior4Jesus]

I have no idea but I offer up prayer and support to you in any way I can. Welcome to the forum may God lead you to wisdom and peace in the journey ahead. These are some pretty awesome folks.

 

[Lindy]

Thank you, I appreciate it. Looking forward to seeing if anyone else has experienced this and how to deal with it. My husband just started a new job with a company that may bring the two of them more in contact professionally because of the nature of their work and it causes me to be very anxious. I don't know how to bring this up to him and it's really early in the game at this point. But it was mentioned and I'm trying to put my faith in God, I just feel that I may be even more of an outsider in the future because there will be more "sharing" of common things between them, that as a wife I won't be a part of. I already feel like there is so much there I can't compete with because I don't have much of a history with him. He will be working up in her area and may be seeing his kids more which I encourage but it's a package deal.....and I won't be a part of that either. ....Just struggling.

 

[Mike]

Lindy, I've been married to the same woman for 24+ years, so I can't share your experience, but I wonder how long you were together before you were engaged, and how long before you were married. My reason for asking is to understand how well you knew the dynamics of all of you together. Assuming you gained an understanding of your place in their circle, did you have visions of that changing once you were married? Was this ever discussed?

Having limited information, I believe you must have a serious heart to heart with him about your concerns with the added element of his new job. Fences should be put up and acknowledged by you, him, and his ex. She is not his priority, and neither are his children. Biblically, you are his first and foremost priority, and decisions need to be made to reinforce his God-Given duty to protect and honor you. He can and should find other employment, even if it takes time to land somewhere else. This might be difficult to navigate, but you both knew it wouldn't always be easy.

Be blessed.

 

[Mike]

Something else that was impressed upon my heart after I'd posted my response above. As his wife, your instinct to what I have to say will likely be defensive. I can respect that, but I just ask you to think about this. At least in part, he chose to walk away from his first vow in spite of the fact that they seem to have a decent relationship. I'm sure there were circumstances unique to them, but the fact is he made a vow, and he broke it. And he (they) did so with three children in the house. I'll be honest. That rings of selfishness.

Fast forward where he seems to be making decisions that doesn't put his family first again. Unless you don't communicate at all, he must know how you feel about this and how you feel about your place in his other circle. If it were him I was writing to, I'd ask him some tough questions about what he learned from his first failed marriage and what he's doing to put his current one first now. Since I can't do that, I think you should. Jesus had some harsh words about divorce and remarriage, but it is what it is. You are his wife now. You should be second only to God in his life.

 

[Lindy]

Lindy, I've been married to the same woman for 24+ years, so I can't share your experience, but I wonder how long you were together before you were engaged, and how long before you were married. My reason for asking is to understand how well you knew the dynamics of all of you together. Assuming you gained an understanding of your place in their circle, did you have visions of that changing once you were married? Was this ever discussed?

Having limited information, I believe you must have a serious heart to heart with him about your concerns with the added element of his new job. Fences should be put up and acknowledged by you, him, and his ex. She is not his priority, and neither are his children. Biblically, you are his first and foremost priority, and decisions need to be made to reinforce his God-Given duty to protect and honor you. He can and should find other employment, even if it takes time to land somewhere else. This might be difficult to navigate, but you both knew it wouldn't always be easy.

Be blessed.

Lindy, I've been married to the same woman for 24+ years, so I can't share your experience, but I wonder how long you were together before you were engaged, and how long before you were married. My reason for asking is to understand how well you knew the dynamics of all of you together. Assuming you gained an understanding of your place in their circle, did you have visions of that changing once you were married? Was this ever discussed?

Having limited information, I believe you must have a serious heart to heart with him about your concerns with the added element of his new job. Fences should be put up and acknowledged by you, him, and his ex. She is not his priority, and neither are his children. Biblically, you are his first and foremost priority, and decisions need to be made to reinforce his God-Given duty to protect and honor you. He can and should find other employment, even if it takes time to land somewhere else. This might be difficult to navigate, but you both knew it wouldn't always be easy.

Be blessed.

 

[JohnDB]

He is YOUR husband and sometimes jerking the collar of his ownership by you isn't such a bad thing.

Just like a lock on a screen door. It isn't to keep thieves out as it is to keep honest men honest.
So jerk on his collar a little bit when it comes to him seeing her.

 

[Lindy]

Lindy, I've been married to the same woman for 24+ years, so I can't share your experience, but I wonder how long you were together before you were engaged, and how long before you were married. My reason for asking is to understand how well you knew the dynamics of all of you together. Assuming you gained an understanding of your place in their circle, did you have visions of that changing once you were married? Was this ever discussed?

Having limited information, I believe you must have a serious heart to heart with him about your concerns with the added element of his new job. Fences should be put up and acknowledged by you, him, and his ex. She is not his priority, and neither are his children. Biblically, you are his first and foremost priority, and decisions need to be made to reinforce his God-Given duty to protect and honor you. He can and should find other employment, even if it takes time to land somewhere else. This might be difficult to navigate, but you both knew it wouldn't always be easy.

Be blessed.

Hello Mike, yes I guess I should clarify a few things. We met on Christian mingle and yes things were very rushed and we knew each other a short time before he proposed to me, and we were married within seven months of meeting each other. We both felt it was God led
Looking back I'm not sure but God does things for reasons we don't always understand. Our marriage is strong, and we both are attending our church and trying to get more involved. I was in church the entire time that I was widowed. When we first met. his relationship with his ex was not very good, it is actually improved since he and I met. So that being said there was no experience with their circle or my place. I was under the impression they did not get along well. We did talk about his job, and my understanding is that his company offers services, that in her profession, they could benefit from however it will not be on a close working basis. More referral in nature. He reassured me that there is nothing between them, no feelings. His new job is a Godsend and something he has worked for most of his life and assured me that it is no threat to us. I do believe him and maybe my first reaction was a bit hasty. I guess as far as the job situation that really is not an element of concern, perhaps I should not have posted that part. Thank you for your response in that. I guess I was just more looking for advice on the first part just dealing with the feelings at family functions of the uncomfortableness. I saw the second part of your response, so will try to attach my response to that on that thread, thank you for your input

 

[Lindy]

Something else that was impressed upon my heart after I'd posted my response above. As his wife, your instinct to what I have to say will likely be defensive. I can respect that, but I just ask you to think about this. At least in part, he chose to walk away from his first vow in spite of the fact that they seem to have a decent relationship. I'm sure there were circumstances unique to them, but the fact is he made a vow, and he broke it. And he (they) did so with three children in the house. I'll be honest. That rings of selfishness.

Fast forward where he seems to be making decisions that doesn't put his family first again. Unless you don't communicate at all, he must know how you feel about this and how you feel about your place in his other circle. If it were him I was writing to, I'd ask him some tough questions about what he learned from his first failed marriage and what he's doing to put his current one first now. Since I can't do that, I think you should. Jesus had some harsh words about divorce and remarriage, but it is what it is. You are his wife now. You should be second only to God in his life.

 

[Lindy]

Actually in their marriage its not that he just walked away from it, there were some problems that they tried to work through even with their church which failed miserably and caused more damage, but she had a hand in it and basically gave up on him and left him no choice. My own marriage was a disaster and I lived with constant emotional and mental abuse and am not really quick to judge him and his circumstance because I lived in hell for 15 years in an ungodly place. I am not being defensive, just objective. We have had some long heart to heart talks and I know where his heart is. I don't believe the problem really lies with him, I just guess I need help in being a godly wife and just wanting to know how other people feel in my situation. In all fairness, I do know that my post was a rather vague and I did not give a lot of information. I do appreciate the feedback, thank you

 

[Mike]

Lindy my apologies. I'm sure I assumed too much in filling in the gaps myself. A picture came to my mind of a wounded women of God who was being put thru another trial. I'll pray for both of you, that you work together to overcome the matters on your heart and receive the richness of His blessings in the days and years ahead.

Be blessed.

 

[OzSpen]

Hello, my name is "Lindy".
I am seeking some helpful Christian advice from people who have been remarried. Just a brief summary, I was widowed for 7 years, and met a wonderful man who I have been married to for a year and a half. I love him with all my heart and he loves me and we are building a very strong marriage. I would not say that I have a problem per se, but just something that I struggle with that maybe someone else might understand and help me through. Through the course of time I have come to know my husband's ex wife because they do have three children. They are older the youngest one is 13 and we all attend events that they participate in. I get along great with the ex wife and she is also a Christian lady. I also firmly believe that it is in the best interest of the kids that we all get along and I understand the importance of good relations. I guess the thing that I struggle with, is that my husband passed so I have no connection with him and his family was very small and we really don't have much contact. When I am around my husband and his prior family during functions I just feel out of place when old stories come up and they reminisce about different things and finish each others sentences, laugh and just give each other side glances because of the memory that they just shared. I guess it is weird for me because they are sharing something sacred that belongs only to them in their marriage before they knew that they were going to be divorced. There was a time when there was love there. So when these memories come up it just makes me really uncomfortable. I understand there are no feelings however it is very uncomfortable for me because I feel like an outsider. How do I cope with these feelings?

Lindy,

I'm a long-term marriage and family counsellor and counselling manager, recently retired. I would recommend that you seek out an experienced, competent, Christian counsellor in your community (even if that means travel).

Obtaining the input from a group of people on this forum who don't know the special circumstances and details, can lead to further difficulties for you.

Blessings in Jesus,
Oz

 

[Lindy]

Lindy,

I'm a long-term marriage and family counsellor and counselling manager, recently retired. I would recommend that you seek out an experienced, competent, Christian counsellor in your community (even if that means travel).

Obtaining the input from a group of people on this forum who don't know the special circumstances and details, can lead to further difficulties for you.

Blessings in Jesus,
Oz

Thank you you are right, I just wasn't sure what to do

 

[OzSpen]

Thank you you are right, I just wasn't sure what to do

Lindy,

May the Lord assist you in finding that person. I generally have found some pastors at local churches (while I'm an Aussie, I have lived in the USA and Canada for periods of time) can be stretched in their counselling abilities. That's why I recommend seeking out a Christian marriage and family counsellor - sooner then later.

Oz