Ok Ive been married going on 3 years now. I pretty much have been the one supporting us ever since. Even when I was pregnant I had to work 2 jobs because he was having a hard time finding a job. I think the entire time weve been married he has worked all of four months. Im starting to think that he just doesnt want to work. Every job he has had he has quit for incredibly stupid reasons. He has been offered 2 jobs this last month and turned them both down. I dont know I may be ok with this if we werent in terrible debt. We dont even have our own place to live right now because I just couldnt cover everything. On top of that our daughter is very sick so that adds even more bills and I just recently lost my job. I feel so stressed and I feel like hes expecting me to carry all the burden. I dont want to leave him because were married Ive always believed I should stick by my husband through everything vut at the same time I feel somewhat used and that Ive given my marriage everything and have gotten very little in return. I just need advice because I dont know what to do I feel like my marriage is on the rocks. Please help.
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Help! Need advice.
- Thread starter skyegann
- Start date
Mike
Member
Hello, and welcome to CFnet.
How long did you know him before you two were married? Likely, he hasn't changed. You're tolerance for his laziness and lack of work ethic has. You're capability to tolerate this behavior is no legitimate reason to seek divorce. It's not biblical, anyway. My guess is you knew about this level of responsibility prior to your wedding, but you were in love... This can't possibly come as a surprise to you.
Sorry to hear about the spot you're in, but really, you made a vow to this man when your love would surely overcome such personality flaws.
How long did you know him before you two were married? Likely, he hasn't changed. You're tolerance for his laziness and lack of work ethic has. You're capability to tolerate this behavior is no legitimate reason to seek divorce. It's not biblical, anyway. My guess is you knew about this level of responsibility prior to your wedding, but you were in love... This can't possibly come as a surprise to you.
Sorry to hear about the spot you're in, but really, you made a vow to this man when your love would surely overcome such personality flaws.
Clear2Learn
Member
God bless you! It sounds like you are going through a vey trying time and I pray for you and your family. The only two answers that make any sense at a time like this are prayer and forgiveness. I think most of us pray for specific things and in doing so we close ourselves off from the best God has in store for us. So I would ask you to seek God's will. Ask God to guide you and help you make choices that will glorify Him! Many of us are control freaks and although we get stressed out, we believe we should be able to handle all the situations that come up in our lives. By sincerely praying and placing your burdens in God's hands, you remove the stress from your shoulders and give yourself the rest your spirit and mind need. I can't tell you how many times an answer eluded me until I prayed and then it became apparent within days if not hours.
As far as your husband is concerned, I would recommend praying for him as well. You can't make him get a job, or make him keep one, but God can help him! Perhaps he is depressed, or has very low self-esteem, and the longer he goes without a job and more critical of him you become, the more he feels incapable of being successful and deserving of his current plight. If you're not going to leave him, thankfully, then you must strive to forgive him! The only way to change someone is to love them just the way they are. I know it seems counter-intuitive, but fussing and grumbling and nagging only makes things worse especially if his confidence is already at a low.
Say the words even if you don't feel the feelings. "I forgive ____________. As I hope and pray to be forgiven, so will I forgive." Being angry at him won't help him and it will hurt you! Forgive him and give your problems to God.
I'm praying for you all!
God Bless You!
Steve
Forgive! Trust God! Do what you can and let God do the rest!
As far as your husband is concerned, I would recommend praying for him as well. You can't make him get a job, or make him keep one, but God can help him! Perhaps he is depressed, or has very low self-esteem, and the longer he goes without a job and more critical of him you become, the more he feels incapable of being successful and deserving of his current plight. If you're not going to leave him, thankfully, then you must strive to forgive him! The only way to change someone is to love them just the way they are. I know it seems counter-intuitive, but fussing and grumbling and nagging only makes things worse especially if his confidence is already at a low.
Say the words even if you don't feel the feelings. "I forgive ____________. As I hope and pray to be forgiven, so will I forgive." Being angry at him won't help him and it will hurt you! Forgive him and give your problems to God.
I'm praying for you all!
God Bless You!
Steve
Forgive! Trust God! Do what you can and let God do the rest!
Blazin Bones
Member
How's the family's relationship with the Lord, Skye?
Davies
Member
Hi skyegann,
Each person has their cross to bear, and I won't begin to try and say I understand your circumstances, but I think, generally, there is something we all can do when the going gets tough. I believe what we can do is turn our focus on the Gospel. Although it hurts when you are the only one doing anything to support the family, it's precisely at these times when you can show undeserved love to your spouse that he will remember at some point in the future. Think about how God has forgiven you and how patient He is. The cross of Jesus incriminates us everyday letting us know that it was our sin that kept Jesus on the cross. The cross also shows us His mercy in that all our sins are paid for. Your love for Jesus must grow, and when it does, you'll see God's provision for you to be more loving to your spouse even if he does not return your love. I hope what I'm saying makes sense.
- Davies
P
phantom309
Guest
Hey Skye,
As stated by others here I think that some serious prayer and such would help here.We dont always have the answers to lifes harder times and God is the first one we should turn to.
With that said,I also believe that there are things that need to be set straight with your husband.Prayer is good and forgiveness awesome but realistically speaking it only goes so far when the other half is slacking,regardless of the subject.Not talking to him about it and handling it appropriately will hurt more in the long run.You will find yourself bitter and resentful toward him which will only bring you to a point where youre simply unwilling to forgive him and eventually leave him.
Right now youre in a bind and its simply unacceptable that anyone refuse work (within reason) when unemployed or to have quit good jobs for unjustified reasons.Factor in the sick child and what you have in my opinion is a bad situation made worse on account of what appears to be laziness.
Provided this is a factually reported case and things have happened as you stated,I disagree with the "dont be angry" approach.Within reason I think you deserve to be,and it may be that fire under his rear that makes him realize its time to stop the bull and get back to work to provide for his family.
Set up the right time to talk to him,when its just you and him and no interruptions/distractions involved.Bring up the topic and ask him why things have gone the way they have..why he refused recent work,quit past jobs for stupid reasons,etc. but be tactful about it.Give him an honest chance to give you some straightforward input and evaluate it.Maybe he has some things going on upstairs that he hasnt talked about,or perhaps there were other things involved that he didnt share..who knows.
If he has good reasoning behind everything then stress how much you need his help,and assist him in getting back on track.If his reasons are inadequate or foolish then I wouldnt hesitate on calling him out for that.He needs to know that this is not acceptable and that you didnt marry him to do all the work while he perfects his tan.He has a little girl and a wife to look after,a responsibility that he should be thankful to have.Its time for him to show that.
As stated by others here I think that some serious prayer and such would help here.We dont always have the answers to lifes harder times and God is the first one we should turn to.
With that said,I also believe that there are things that need to be set straight with your husband.Prayer is good and forgiveness awesome but realistically speaking it only goes so far when the other half is slacking,regardless of the subject.Not talking to him about it and handling it appropriately will hurt more in the long run.You will find yourself bitter and resentful toward him which will only bring you to a point where youre simply unwilling to forgive him and eventually leave him.
Right now youre in a bind and its simply unacceptable that anyone refuse work (within reason) when unemployed or to have quit good jobs for unjustified reasons.Factor in the sick child and what you have in my opinion is a bad situation made worse on account of what appears to be laziness.
Provided this is a factually reported case and things have happened as you stated,I disagree with the "dont be angry" approach.Within reason I think you deserve to be,and it may be that fire under his rear that makes him realize its time to stop the bull and get back to work to provide for his family.
Set up the right time to talk to him,when its just you and him and no interruptions/distractions involved.Bring up the topic and ask him why things have gone the way they have..why he refused recent work,quit past jobs for stupid reasons,etc. but be tactful about it.Give him an honest chance to give you some straightforward input and evaluate it.Maybe he has some things going on upstairs that he hasnt talked about,or perhaps there were other things involved that he didnt share..who knows.
If he has good reasoning behind everything then stress how much you need his help,and assist him in getting back on track.If his reasons are inadequate or foolish then I wouldnt hesitate on calling him out for that.He needs to know that this is not acceptable and that you didnt marry him to do all the work while he perfects his tan.He has a little girl and a wife to look after,a responsibility that he should be thankful to have.Its time for him to show that.
lmw
Member
Forgive me to responding even though I'm not married... I was married but my husband passed away. He never liked to work either. We were together for 3 years and he only worked for a total of one year and then he got fired. When he worked, he was very mean to me, threatened divorce if I ever made him work again. Because of this, I worked a full time job up until 5 days before giving birth to our son and I was back at work in under 2 weeks. My husband would stay home all day, play video games all night long and sleep all day. Even though he wasn't working, he forced me to get up with our little one during the night. My husband was very far from the Lord and he also suffered from bipolar disorder, so he couldn't keep his priorities straight. Eventually he applied for disability and got it.
From experience of having a husband who was very hot headed, nagging did not work, it only made things worse to the point he never got a job out of spite. You didn't say what kind of mood your hubby is usually in, is he saved, is he mentally unstable? All could be factors aiding in reasons he isn't willing to work.
Pray, pray and pray some more. If he is a believer, ask him to pray with you for employment. And I agree with someone else who said you can't make him get a job. Leave it at the cross.
I'll be praying for you.
From experience of having a husband who was very hot headed, nagging did not work, it only made things worse to the point he never got a job out of spite. You didn't say what kind of mood your hubby is usually in, is he saved, is he mentally unstable? All could be factors aiding in reasons he isn't willing to work.
Pray, pray and pray some more. If he is a believer, ask him to pray with you for employment. And I agree with someone else who said you can't make him get a job. Leave it at the cross.
I'll be praying for you.