I have been struggling lately. I broke up with my boyfriend because it just wasn't working out. In the beginning I thought that he was perfect and that we were going to get married. How do you know if the one you are dating is the one for you? Is it a feeling? Do you just know? I wish God would just tell me and then I wouldn't have to wast my time. If anybody has advice as to how do you know if your boyfriend is the guy that you are made for, that would be great. Thanks.
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How do I know if he is the guy?
- Thread starter Steph91
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modernnihilst
Member
For me it was when she punched me in the face(and broke my nose), thats when I knew it was love. Weird right? I said something that she didnt like, she told me if I said that again she'd kick my(butt, not really but you know). So being the juvenile goofball I am i started dancing and repeating it. As soon as I turned around she popped me one. We've been happy ever since.
No I'm not a masochist. I just like strong women who stand up for themselves.
Oh yea your question. First(I believe) you should know what you want/need from a partner. Then you will be better prepaired to answer that question for yourself, as it is different for each person. I saw stars when I knew I found the right one, but thats probably not the way you want to find out that person is the right one.
but I may be incorrect......
No I'm not a masochist. I just like strong women who stand up for themselves.
Oh yea your question. First(I believe) you should know what you want/need from a partner. Then you will be better prepaired to answer that question for yourself, as it is different for each person. I saw stars when I knew I found the right one, but thats probably not the way you want to find out that person is the right one.
but I may be incorrect......
Ok wow. My mom must have been reading my mind. She bought be a book called "Is he the guy - a no nonsense relationship test from a Christian perspective" on Amazon. It arrived today. It's quite short so I read the whole thing. It answered a lot of the questions I had. If there is anybody else wodering the same thing, here is the link on Amazon.
http://www.amazon.com/Guy-No-Nonsen...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1326767716&sr=1-1
Or just search for "Guy no nonsense" and it shows up. It was a really good read.
http://www.amazon.com/Guy-No-Nonsen...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1326767716&sr=1-1
Or just search for "Guy no nonsense" and it shows up. It was a really good read.
Tofu
Member
For me personally (I'm a guy so this is coming from the perspective looking for a girl) I will know it is the one when God puts an affection for this person in my heart. I don't believe in dating around trying to find the right match, rather I should put God first in all things and be seeking Him and to do his will first and foremost, along the way seeking community within the Body of Christ which will develop relationships with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Like Adam, when God sees that its no longer good for me to be alone, he will bring around just the right person for me. I expect to see this come about by having a good relationship with my sisters in Christ, and one day God will start growing in me an affection for one of them that goes beyond that brother sister relationship. Which, of course I'm probably going to pray for it to go away and submit those thoughts to Christ at first to make sure that I'm not the one generating these thoughts / the lust of my flesh, and if it continues and Christ doesn't take those feelings away as I submit them to him, then I'll look into moving forward and building that deeper intimate friendship first before I start looking at marriage.
Hope that helps, just remember its all about Christ and he should be the center of any relationship.
Hope that helps, just remember its all about Christ and he should be the center of any relationship.
handy
Member
I believe that we have free will in just about everything except our own salvation and things that are specifically commanded (either a "do this" or "thou shalt not").
So...I disagree wholly with the idea of "THE ONE" as if there is one person out there that is God's hand-selected mate for us. That is more along the lines of "fate" and fate and faith are very different things, fate being far more pagan in nature.
I just don't find the concept of "THE ONE" taught in Scripture. The cloest thing to it is Abraham's servant's prayer regarding Rebecca and while that is a beautiful story and historically accurate, I don't think it serves as a model of how all Christians must select a mate. Any more than I think that the way we should determine if God wants us to buy the white house in the suburbs or the yellow house in the city is by laying a lamb's fleece out on the lawn over night and checking how wet it is in the morning.
It's a big mistake to take these historical Old Testament stories about people who did not usually have the indwelling of God's Holy Spirit (something all Christians have) and believe that this is the way God wants us to do things...not while He has laid down His precepts and commandments to us in the clear black and white of Scripture.
What is important is for Christians to view mariage and the selection of the mate as something that we need to apply those precepts and commandments to. God tells us not to be unequally yoked...is this man a godly Christian man? If not, then we should think twice before marrying him.
God tells us women that we are to submit to our husbands...is this a man to whom you can submit? If not, then save yourself a lifetime of frustration and look further afield.
Is this a man who wants to raise his children in the nurture and admonishion of the Lord? If not, then how can you reconcile yourself to follow out your own commandment to raise up your children in the way they should go, if your husband is undermining your teaching?
I was single for quite some time and during the time I was single, I dated a number of men. Almost all were Christian (didn't go on any 2nd dates with the non's) and almost all were godly men. Of the men that I dated, I can think of about 5 who would have made very godly husbands for me...husbands that I could follow the commandment to love and submit...and I don't think God would have cared which one of them I married. Oddly enough, the man I did wind up marrying was the least spiritual and least "Christian" of any of the men I dated. He was a believer...but hardly a solid man of faith...and yet we've been happily married for almost 14 years now (our anniversary is a week from Tuesday). God has changed him and he has indeed grown into a solid Christian man, a good husband and father.
As for God just telling you so that you don't waste your time...
that would be nice for God to do in all kinds of situations, but I believe God allows us to work through these things so that we can strengthen our faith and be more mighty.
As opposed to just lazy, couch potato types. It's harder, but ultimately more rewarding.
Besides, never think of any relationship as a waste of time, even those ones that don't turn out. Each relationship will add to your experience, your understanding, your faith and ultimately affect who you are as a person. God can work the experiences we have in all relationships, good or bad, to our ultimate good.
So...I disagree wholly with the idea of "THE ONE" as if there is one person out there that is God's hand-selected mate for us. That is more along the lines of "fate" and fate and faith are very different things, fate being far more pagan in nature.
I just don't find the concept of "THE ONE" taught in Scripture. The cloest thing to it is Abraham's servant's prayer regarding Rebecca and while that is a beautiful story and historically accurate, I don't think it serves as a model of how all Christians must select a mate. Any more than I think that the way we should determine if God wants us to buy the white house in the suburbs or the yellow house in the city is by laying a lamb's fleece out on the lawn over night and checking how wet it is in the morning.
It's a big mistake to take these historical Old Testament stories about people who did not usually have the indwelling of God's Holy Spirit (something all Christians have) and believe that this is the way God wants us to do things...not while He has laid down His precepts and commandments to us in the clear black and white of Scripture.
What is important is for Christians to view mariage and the selection of the mate as something that we need to apply those precepts and commandments to. God tells us not to be unequally yoked...is this man a godly Christian man? If not, then we should think twice before marrying him.
God tells us women that we are to submit to our husbands...is this a man to whom you can submit? If not, then save yourself a lifetime of frustration and look further afield.
Is this a man who wants to raise his children in the nurture and admonishion of the Lord? If not, then how can you reconcile yourself to follow out your own commandment to raise up your children in the way they should go, if your husband is undermining your teaching?
I was single for quite some time and during the time I was single, I dated a number of men. Almost all were Christian (didn't go on any 2nd dates with the non's) and almost all were godly men. Of the men that I dated, I can think of about 5 who would have made very godly husbands for me...husbands that I could follow the commandment to love and submit...and I don't think God would have cared which one of them I married. Oddly enough, the man I did wind up marrying was the least spiritual and least "Christian" of any of the men I dated. He was a believer...but hardly a solid man of faith...and yet we've been happily married for almost 14 years now (our anniversary is a week from Tuesday). God has changed him and he has indeed grown into a solid Christian man, a good husband and father.
As for God just telling you so that you don't waste your time...
that would be nice for God to do in all kinds of situations, but I believe God allows us to work through these things so that we can strengthen our faith and be more mighty. As opposed to just lazy, couch potato types. It's harder, but ultimately more rewarding.
Besides, never think of any relationship as a waste of time, even those ones that don't turn out. Each relationship will add to your experience, your understanding, your faith and ultimately affect who you are as a person. God can work the experiences we have in all relationships, good or bad, to our ultimate good.
Tofu
Member
I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree :/ because scripture doesn't clearly teach on how we are to find our spouse. The only examples that I can go off of are Adam and Isaac, and scripture doesn't say that that is the way to do it, nor does it say to do it the other way. I believe you're inviting unnecessary pain and suffering that I've seen in so many breakups if you try to go about this by your own will and not submit this desire to God, that God does have a plan for our lives if we will but submit to his will, submit our desires to him and submit ourselves to be molded into the image of Christ and his desires. I feel like it comes down to how much power you want to control your life and how much you are willing to let go to God and trust him. Please don't take this as me being defensive or attacking, I really do not intend that, but when I think about such a decision that is so huge, it will affect the rest of my life on this planet, and not rely completely and fully on my loving Father I couldn't do it. I don't believe in a God that came and died for me to just give me a list of principles to live by, a list of do and do not, and then stepped back to let my free will have at it. I desire a closer relationship than that and want to encourage others to seek God more than just a list of principles and do and don'ts. (Neither am I inferring that you don't have such a relationship, rather that I want to encourage everyone to rely upon God more and submit ourselves to him more.)
I've also heard personal testimonies of men and women who have experienced the same thing that I am talking about, who intentionally went out of their way to avoid each other because they didn't want this distracting them from God but it was really God putting them together. I don't really consider this fate, because if I did, then I would consider my own salvation as fate because its in the same nature, God chose me before the foundations of the earth, not I chose him. He knows me more than I know myself and he loves me, I trust him to bring these things about and guide me wherever I go in life.
I've also heard personal testimonies of men and women who have experienced the same thing that I am talking about, who intentionally went out of their way to avoid each other because they didn't want this distracting them from God but it was really God putting them together. I don't really consider this fate, because if I did, then I would consider my own salvation as fate because its in the same nature, God chose me before the foundations of the earth, not I chose him. He knows me more than I know myself and he loves me, I trust him to bring these things about and guide me wherever I go in life.
handy
Member
It's OK Tofu, I don't mind any disagreement...I realize that I represent a minority opinion in thinking this way. But, I do think the idea is well worth delving into, because just as you see inviting unnecessary pain and suffering in looking at finding a mate as a matter of free will...I also see unnecessary pain and suffering when both young men and young women agonize over the idea that there is one and only one person on this planet of almost 7 billion people and that they have to find and somehow recognize "THE ONE" or else be doomed to a lifetime of misery.
There are several reasons why I do believe that God leaves who we marry...or whether we marry at all...up to us, as long as we apply biblical principles...
First, as you stated and I agree...God doesn't give us any clear cut instructions as to how to determine a mate. With the exception of Adam and Eve and Rebecca and Issac, there just aren't any examples of God bringing together a specific man and a specific woman. Most marriages were arranged by the parents, usually for the betterment of the family finances. If God has one and ONLY one person for each and every individual...to be determined by ...what? A warm and fuzzy feeling...the idea that "God is bringing us together" (more on that one)...a rock falling from the sky with the two names written on it... but if He does indeed work out godly marriages that way...I think His Spirit would have made this clear in the Word. But, the Bible doesn't teach this concept at all...rather in the clearest passages in Scripture for the Church and how Christians should look at marriage, we're told that it can actually be better if we don't marry. (Matthew 19, 1 Corinthians 7)
Second, as I shared on another thread in this forum, when I was quite young, just out of high school, a young man of my acquaintance proposed to me, telling me that God told him and showed him that I was the one for him. He was very sincere and a solid, bible believing Christian guy. He was also sweet and fairly good looking, well educated and had a nice sense of humor...a "catch" so to speak. But, for all his insentience that God told him that I was "THE ONE" for him...he was quite mistaken. I had no desire to marry him...at the time I couldn't fathom marrying anybody. I had a real desire to follow God...and have kept that desire for the ensuing 30+ years...and at no time did God tell me that He desired me to marry the young man. Now the young man was so sure of God's speaking to him...but...he was wrong. He simply was. About a year after he proposed to me, he wound up marrying another young woman...a woman who spoke the native language of the country in which he wanted to do missionary work. They were ideally suited to each other and as far as I know are still happily married.
This happens a lot to people, in my experience, more often to women than to men. One person being so sure that God has selected a certain person as a mate and that person is like...no way!!!!
You said:
Let me illustrate what I'm saying here with this: I do believe that God leaves who we marry up to us...however, He has laid down in His word definite principles and commandments in regards to marriage. I was single for a long time. Had I wanted to control my own life, I could have ignored all of the precepts and commandments regarding marriage and married long ago...getting a guy to marry one really isn't all that hard...especially if one is without principles. But, it is exactly because I DO want to live not by my will but God's that I applied His principles and commandments to my dating life. Result...a very small dating pool and even smaller selection of guys and even fewer guys who wanted to marry me...until I met my husband 15 years ago and we've been happily married now for 14 years. It was a long wait, but I'm glad I waited until I met a man whom I could marry within the perimeters set forth by the Scriptures (and there are even some who would argue that point...long story.) I believe that God blessed us because we are committed to living our lives according to His word.
Hopefully, this is making sense.
There are several reasons why I do believe that God leaves who we marry...or whether we marry at all...up to us, as long as we apply biblical principles...
First, as you stated and I agree...God doesn't give us any clear cut instructions as to how to determine a mate. With the exception of Adam and Eve and Rebecca and Issac, there just aren't any examples of God bringing together a specific man and a specific woman. Most marriages were arranged by the parents, usually for the betterment of the family finances. If God has one and ONLY one person for each and every individual...to be determined by ...what? A warm and fuzzy feeling...the idea that "God is bringing us together" (more on that one)...a rock falling from the sky with the two names written on it... but if He does indeed work out godly marriages that way...I think His Spirit would have made this clear in the Word. But, the Bible doesn't teach this concept at all...rather in the clearest passages in Scripture for the Church and how Christians should look at marriage, we're told that it can actually be better if we don't marry. (Matthew 19, 1 Corinthians 7)
Second, as I shared on another thread in this forum, when I was quite young, just out of high school, a young man of my acquaintance proposed to me, telling me that God told him and showed him that I was the one for him. He was very sincere and a solid, bible believing Christian guy. He was also sweet and fairly good looking, well educated and had a nice sense of humor...a "catch" so to speak. But, for all his insentience that God told him that I was "THE ONE" for him...he was quite mistaken. I had no desire to marry him...at the time I couldn't fathom marrying anybody. I had a real desire to follow God...and have kept that desire for the ensuing 30+ years...and at no time did God tell me that He desired me to marry the young man. Now the young man was so sure of God's speaking to him...but...he was wrong. He simply was. About a year after he proposed to me, he wound up marrying another young woman...a woman who spoke the native language of the country in which he wanted to do missionary work. They were ideally suited to each other and as far as I know are still happily married.
This happens a lot to people, in my experience, more often to women than to men. One person being so sure that God has selected a certain person as a mate and that person is like...no way!!!!
You said:
I would say that anyone who desires to trust God and live their life for him, the best place to start is by living according to His precepts and commandments. Rather than looking at this idea as one wanting to "control [one's] own life", I would say a person living by the precepts and commandments of God is actively letting go of their own will and trusting Him.
Let me illustrate what I'm saying here with this: I do believe that God leaves who we marry up to us...however, He has laid down in His word definite principles and commandments in regards to marriage. I was single for a long time. Had I wanted to control my own life, I could have ignored all of the precepts and commandments regarding marriage and married long ago...getting a guy to marry one really isn't all that hard...especially if one is without principles. But, it is exactly because I DO want to live not by my will but God's that I applied His principles and commandments to my dating life. Result...a very small dating pool and even smaller selection of guys and even fewer guys who wanted to marry me...until I met my husband 15 years ago and we've been happily married now for 14 years. It was a long wait, but I'm glad I waited until I met a man whom I could marry within the perimeters set forth by the Scriptures (and there are even some who would argue that point...long story.) I believe that God blessed us because we are committed to living our lives according to His word.
Hopefully, this is making sense.
Tofu
Member
I can follow what you're saying, I just don't see eye to eye on the issue lol.
To say that the Bible doesn't teach the principle I'm talking about doesn't really help either side of the topic, because it doesn't teach either one. Like you said, it teaches it would be better off were we not to marry. To say that the Bible would have made it more clear is to say as if the Bible was teaching against what I'm saying, except it doesn't really teach on it at all, it just gives a couple of examples that we are choosing to exclude because they were so far in the past, and other than Adam (Which is really the only clear example God gave us) didn't really work out that great. Rebekah went behind Isaac's back to deceive him and get Jacob blessed rather than Esau. (There are other areas that I wish the Bible was more explicit about but thats a whole different can of beans that I'll save for the theology forum but still relevant to this, I'm just afraid it would start up a firestorm
)
I agree that men do get mistaken, because frankly people don't know how to discern God's will anymore (apart from the fact that we should share the Gospel and live Holy lives) or listen to the Holy Spirit. Something I'm still trying to figure out with a small pool of people to seek out for teaching because its something that churches don't teach about anymore.
I sincerely believe that if a person is doing their best to submit their lives to God they will not agonize over trying to find that one person, because getting married will be one of the last things on their mind, they will be too busy serving and walking with the God they love. I personally spent a month or two with a certain woman who I became infatuated with and for a month or two after we were no longer in the school we were in and now states apart I still thought about her and was pretty convinced that I was going to meet up with her one day down the road and pursue marriage. However, after talking with some friends who I greatly respect for their Christian walk I decided that I should pray about it. I sincerely prayed to God in faith and asked him, if its not your will I am praying that this desire be submitted to Christ and that I wouldn't have it distracting me any longer. And, thanks be to God he really did it. While at first I admit I started to get angry with God over this, because I felt like I was so tired of being alone and wanted a wife, until I realized it was for the better and I was wanting to become better friends this woman under false pretenses, because I wasn't going to come right out and tell her I wanted to pursue her in marriage.
I agree that a person who wants to live their life for God should obey his precepts and commandments, however I think it goes a little farther than that. A person can obey the do's and don'ts, and can share the gospel in their workplace but could be in the completely wrong city or continent than where God would have them be working. There is more guidance to be had than that, which I believe it also extends to marriage. If I truly love God with all of my being (heart, soul, mind) then I don't think I'll be concerned about getting married or any desire of my own, but rather as Jesus came not to do his own will but to do the Father's, so I will submit my own will to the Father and if he desires me to be single then I will be, if he desires me to be married then he will bring that about. Its not a matter of trying to single out that one person that God has in mind for me among the billions of people on this planet, for God has more than enough power to keep both of us safe until he brings us together. Its a matter of dying to myself and my own desires and submitting them to God and experience that creature - creator relationship to the fullest which I was created for.
I kind of view step one as gaining knowledge and trust in God, living out his commandments and precepts, seeing and knowing that he is good, then we move on to be mightily used by him and can live out the same lives that the apostles did if we would just submit our will to his. Hopefully you understand where I am coming from, its not so much an issue about marriage for me but about how you view life in its entirety. Honestly, I'm not sure that I can settle for any less, if God could work through the apostles like he did, who were men just like myself, created just like myself, then he can do so through me if I will but be men of faith as they were and seek him diligently. (Now if only I can apply myself to do these things instead of just talking about them.. I've still got a ways to go )
To say that the Bible doesn't teach the principle I'm talking about doesn't really help either side of the topic, because it doesn't teach either one. Like you said, it teaches it would be better off were we not to marry. To say that the Bible would have made it more clear is to say as if the Bible was teaching against what I'm saying, except it doesn't really teach on it at all, it just gives a couple of examples that we are choosing to exclude because they were so far in the past, and other than Adam (Which is really the only clear example God gave us) didn't really work out that great. Rebekah went behind Isaac's back to deceive him and get Jacob blessed rather than Esau. (There are other areas that I wish the Bible was more explicit about but thats a whole different can of beans that I'll save for the theology forum but still relevant to this, I'm just afraid it would start up a firestorm
)I agree that men do get mistaken, because frankly people don't know how to discern God's will anymore (apart from the fact that we should share the Gospel and live Holy lives) or listen to the Holy Spirit. Something I'm still trying to figure out with a small pool of people to seek out for teaching because its something that churches don't teach about anymore.
I sincerely believe that if a person is doing their best to submit their lives to God they will not agonize over trying to find that one person, because getting married will be one of the last things on their mind, they will be too busy serving and walking with the God they love. I personally spent a month or two with a certain woman who I became infatuated with and for a month or two after we were no longer in the school we were in and now states apart I still thought about her and was pretty convinced that I was going to meet up with her one day down the road and pursue marriage. However, after talking with some friends who I greatly respect for their Christian walk I decided that I should pray about it. I sincerely prayed to God in faith and asked him, if its not your will I am praying that this desire be submitted to Christ and that I wouldn't have it distracting me any longer. And, thanks be to God he really did it. While at first I admit I started to get angry with God over this, because I felt like I was so tired of being alone and wanted a wife, until I realized it was for the better and I was wanting to become better friends this woman under false pretenses, because I wasn't going to come right out and tell her I wanted to pursue her in marriage.
I agree that a person who wants to live their life for God should obey his precepts and commandments, however I think it goes a little farther than that. A person can obey the do's and don'ts, and can share the gospel in their workplace but could be in the completely wrong city or continent than where God would have them be working. There is more guidance to be had than that, which I believe it also extends to marriage. If I truly love God with all of my being (heart, soul, mind) then I don't think I'll be concerned about getting married or any desire of my own, but rather as Jesus came not to do his own will but to do the Father's, so I will submit my own will to the Father and if he desires me to be single then I will be, if he desires me to be married then he will bring that about. Its not a matter of trying to single out that one person that God has in mind for me among the billions of people on this planet, for God has more than enough power to keep both of us safe until he brings us together. Its a matter of dying to myself and my own desires and submitting them to God and experience that creature - creator relationship to the fullest which I was created for.
I kind of view step one as gaining knowledge and trust in God, living out his commandments and precepts, seeing and knowing that he is good, then we move on to be mightily used by him and can live out the same lives that the apostles did if we would just submit our will to his. Hopefully you understand where I am coming from, its not so much an issue about marriage for me but about how you view life in its entirety. Honestly, I'm not sure that I can settle for any less, if God could work through the apostles like he did, who were men just like myself, created just like myself, then he can do so through me if I will but be men of faith as they were and seek him diligently. (Now if only I can apply myself to do these things instead of just talking about them.. I've still got a ways to go
)