27 years old. Had many reaches prior during childhood, but 27 when Jesus' sacrifice really hit home as applicable for me, personally. My wife was having our 4th child, our second son. The hospital was out of town, and I was staying with a certain relative who was a zealous Gideon/Lutheran and his wife. Godly people who I had somewhat discounted over the years as such, but during lunch one day, in a simple prayer, I knew that man knew God like I didn't. So, this lead me to pick up a Living Bible, and I was reading in the waiting room at the hospital, later, the Gospels of Matt, Mark and Luke, specifically. I had never been able to get through them before, but that day I did. When we got home the next day I took up reading the Gospel of John in my RSV version received at Lutheran confirmation when I was 14 that had sat in the bedroom drawer for years. I was deeply moved by John's Words. Hard to describe, really. I was moved into deep contemplation of all the details, they were flooding my internals, like communicating to me, and I saw, I perceived the Divine Expressions and Communications like never before. As I put the bible back in the drawer and was in deep contemplation about how I felt I instantly knew I believed what Jesus did was not just some abstract sterile story, but was for me too. And at that moment I literally "felt" the love of God course through me. I was changed at that moment. I no longer felt the same, but knew that Christ was in my heart. I felt Him enter. And I was no longer the same person I was before. I was no longer alone in my own heart, and I knew Him.
Zeal would be an accurate after effect description. I probably read the whole bible several times through the 1st 6 months. I just couldn't get enough. Thirsty, thirsty. And no, no sin would pass my lips or actions. Naaayyy. I could "feel" it's intentions in a way I could not before, and would not allow it, because it would hinder me, taint my conscience. In talking with many others over the years this is kind of a honeymoon experience, where God in Christ affords you a certain type of protection, maybe ignorant bliss. And this eventually wears off as you are led into much deeper matters about yourself and the world. You kind of go from zealotry to dealing with your own imaginations, which can also be deception. Sin is kind of cagey that way.
I used to love various christian radio programs such as J. Vernon McGee's "Through the Bible." And probably heard the entire bible dissected in his manners. Devoured mountains of christian books as well. Anything I could get ahold of. Years ago, upon moving, I distributed most of these out, and was shocked at the number of volumes I had devoured. It was a stack about 5 feet cubed. I didn't put in the stack my favorites which still amounted to several boxes full, mostly the dry stuff that people have a hard time getting through, but I loved reading them all. They all benefited my understandings in some ways.
And I had a very hard time bearing RCC dry/dead rituals/services. ack. Just couldn't take it, and had to quit. The last episode that drove me out was bowing down and kissing the feet of a 4' tall brass statue of Jesus on the cross tiny feet and getting an ash cross on my forehead. I felt like I had betrayed Christ Himself in that action, and thought what in the world am I participating in?! Idolatry. Conviction. No more of that!
This moved me into fellowship with local charismatics, a cross spectrum of various christian sects people who had similar experiences to mine, who at least were capable of having intimate fellowship, bible studies and prayer fellowship. I still have close ties to many of these people. This was in the years when charismatics were popping up all over the country and I participated with many charismatic assemblies. Many of these have gone by the wayside now for various reasons, mostly from the maturity of the folk involved, no longer interested in manipulations and shenanigans by the clergy class. I continue to witness to the Love of God in Christ to just about everyone I meet, and have seen many turn to Christ in this way. And many seem to go through similar courses to my own.
Yes, Jesus is real, He is Love and He does love you, this, I know.
. Since the life changing experience I have come to know and grow in a relationship with my Creator. I wear the scars of this world but I am no longer part of it.
