how to handle, my 5 month old son, and my dad/his grandfather.

[jwoods4290]

good morning everyone (here on the east coast of the u.s.). there is something i wish to talk about or seek help from, from my fellow peers, christians, etc.


It bothers me alot, no matter how much i look past it or expect it already, but it's just something i can't get over and i'll explain it now.

When i was growing up, i was a momma's boy (still am, RIP mom), and my dad abandoned me a few times in my life. once when i was real young and once when i was a teenager where he sent me away for a year in a mental hospital. My dad always choose his women over his own son, and her kids over me. Well, she died from overdosing on drugs (truthfully, she use to pratice witchcraft and i'm sold on the idea that, that evil took her life.) but anywho, her kids are far away as possible and my dad was remarried again. Now me and my dad talk very rare now, but still do. I have to talk to his secratary (his current gf) just to talk to him.

I've come over the fact that my dad is a bum and cares nothing about me. i'm fine with that, my son is all i need. but it still bothers me more then anything that he doesn't even care to see my son. his first grandchild, and my best friend from a state away has seen my son more then my own father. He didn't even come see my son when he was first born in the hospital.


It aggravates me.. of course it still bothers me that he doesn't care about me, but it's even worse that his first grandchild and he doesn't even care. I want the world for my son, and he doesn't have a big family as my mom passed away, my grandparents passed away, i do have another gma who loves my son to death,

and my girlfriend (soon to be wife) her mother is a drunk, and her dad was deported back to the dominican republic due to drugs, and is not able to ever come back to the states.

I want the world for my son and all the love possible, i love my son more then anything (the lord is always first), but my son is my everything here on earth.



How can i cope with this? how should i go about looking at it? just want some different opinions and experiences, and some prayers for me to be able to cope. like i said, i've accepted all the things about my father about me, but when it comes to my son, it's a whole new world.

 

[reba]

I would think allowing your dad in your son's life would be a source of pain for the child... and again for you.... That old saying you dont miss what you never had.... Sounds to me you have learned from mistakes made by others that is a good start....Love your child and his mother that is a big job with the greatest rewards....!

 

[jwoods4290]

I would think allowing your dad in your son's life would be a source of pain for the child... and again for you.... That old saying you dont miss what you never had.... Sounds to me you have learned from mistakes made by others that is a good start....Love your child and his mother that is a big job with the greatest rewards....!

thank you for your post. i will never deny my father to be part of my son's life if he decided to come years later. "honor thy mother and thy father" but it's not like i restrict him what so ever. i encourage it. But still nothing. I know my dad does drugs even though he denies it (he's always asking for money and losing his job).

I understand no parent is the best at being a parent, and no one can be the greatest parent, but i think the goal of parenting is to try and be the best. aim to be the best, even though our lord is the only best parent in the world, our goal to our children is to try to be.

 

[Knotical]

Your duty as a parent is to make sure that your son is "brought up in the way he should go" which means you should at the very least limit any negative influence in his life, which could include your father unfortunately. Should your father express some interest in having an active role in yours and your son's lives you will need to make it clear what kind of examples you will allow.

You obviously still love your father, however, you cannot let that get in the way of your duties as a parent.

 

[Mike S]

Concentrate on loving that precious little boy of yours. Be for him the father you always wanted for yourself. Take care for those things you have control over, marry your gf, love each other and care for each other, and let the rest of your relationships work out over time as they will.

 

[AirDancer]

I agree with what others have previously said, and would like to add one more thing: Good, solid friends can fill the void of absent grandparents, aunts/uncles, etc. With positive, Christian people around for your son as he grows, his time spent with your dad will not have as strong an affect on your son.

There are no wounds quite as deep as the wounds inflicted by family. But if you stay strong in your walk with our Lord, and remain dedicated in your study of God's Word, those wounds heal. And being a healthy, Christian father for your son is the best way to be!

 

[By Grace]

good morning everyone (here on the east coast of the u.s.). there is something i wish to talk about or seek help from, from my fellow peers, christians, etc.


It bothers me alot, no matter how much i look past it or expect it already, but it's just something i can't get over and i'll explain it now.

When i was growing up, i was a momma's boy (still am, RIP mom), and my dad abandoned me a few times in my life. once when i was real young and once when i was a teenager where he sent me away for a year in a mental hospital. My dad always choose his women over his own son, and her kids over me. Well, she died from overdosing on drugs (truthfully, she use to pratice witchcraft and i'm sold on the idea that, that evil took her life.) but anywho, her kids are far away as possible and my dad was remarried again. Now me and my dad talk very rare now, but still do. I have to talk to his secratary (his current gf) just to talk to him.

I've come over the fact that my dad is a bum and cares nothing about me. i'm fine with that, my son is all i need. but it still bothers me more then anything that he doesn't even care to see my son. his first grandchild, and my best friend from a state away has seen my son more then my own father. He didn't even come see my son when he was first born in the hospital.


It aggravates me.. of course it still bothers me that he doesn't care about me, but it's even worse that his first grandchild and he doesn't even care. I want the world for my son, and he doesn't have a big family as my mom passed away, my grandparents passed away, i do have another gma who loves my son to death,

and my girlfriend (soon to be wife) her mother is a drunk, and her dad was deported back to the dominican republic due to drugs, and is not able to ever come back to the states.

I want the world for my son and all the love possible, i love my son more then anything (the lord is always first), but my son is my everything here on earth.



How can i cope with this? how should i go about looking at it? just want some different opinions and experiences, and some prayers for me to be able to cope. like i said, i've accepted all the things about my father about me, but when it comes to my son, it's a whole new world.

The adages are axiomatic: "ABUSERS MARRY ABUSERS" and ABUSERS PERPETUATE ABUSE"

You need to get skilled help, friend. Too well I remember my dysfunctional home, and while my sisters and I are all of the age of grandparents, there are still are scars that are coming from that past. One thing that abusers focus on is the "Why me?" and "What did I do to deserve that?". The short answer to those questions is "It is all because of sin"; sins of others and sins of self.

That is why that you and wife MUST discover who you are EACH in Jesus Christ, and then proceed on that basis, and not on the basis of "I am missing something, and I need to get it." That is the road to disaster.

Jesus Christ is our Savior, Sanctifier, Healer, and Coming King. Only when we permit Him to heal us from the inside out can we "plug those holes in our soul from abuse". Abuse victims frequently exhibit "magic thinking" and dwell on the "if only". No one can be changed against their will, so to hope that your abusers will change on their own is futile. They are often too comfortable in their own dysfunction to attempt any change, and in your heart of hearts, you know that you will be blamed for their inability to change if you try to help them change. DO NOT PLAY THAT INSIPID AND SICK GAME!

Look at this Scripture, and trust God to do what is best for you.

Philippians 4: 8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.
9 Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do: and the God of peace shall be with you.

​

The only way to have peace is to place Jesus first, and everything else second.

 

[Matthew G]

JW4290, I agree with most of By Grace's comments. It is also good advixe, I think. I would add something critical which invariably gets overlooked when the cycle of abuse is discussed or alluded to and that is:

Although it is an established fact that abuse has the propensity or predisposition to be cyclic, it is NOT in any means a sure thing.

A true believer in the power of Christ's atonement for their sins can exercise that same faith to allow Christ to help them become the NEW creation in Christ that they are and shake off that cyclic stigma and conditioning from the past.

So many well-meaning Christians and others trap born again Christians in this box of no hope- a fixed, predetermined pattern they can do nothing about. It is a BIG lie and probably many, many have been damaged becasue of this misconception. There is NOTHING too big for God to heal or change. It just takes a willing and faithful heart.

I agree completely with this statement, and would like to weigh in, as I feel I'm living proof of it. I'll try not to get long-winded, but please bear with me ;)

I'm not going to sit here and say I hard a harsh or empty childhood, because I didn't. However, it was (in my opinion) still a far cry from what I'd consider "ideal". My father was a small business owner who worked nearly 100 hours a week for over ten years. During that time, the norm in my house was for him to be gone by the time I got up for school, and not to come home until after I had gone to bed. My mother (I don't want to sound like I'm bashing or dishonoring, I feel she did the best she could) wasn't much of a homemaker, filling her time at home with either the television or computer, who frankly put more effort into being my younger sister's best friend than she did into being a mother for either of us. The part that bears on this conversation, however, is that fact that (again, I love my parents dearly, but I'm being honest) they are both bitter, selfish, overbearing and unforgiving people.

While there was never any physical abuse in my house, there was verbal abuse on a daily basis. I grew up hearing repeatedly about all the times I had made mistakes, or how I should have done "x" this way, or "y" that way, or I'd never amount to anything because of "a, b and c". They harshly enforced their will on my life for years due to the simple fact that I knew it was the only way to shut them up. I'm now 28 years old, and even up to just 2 or 3 years ago these verbal assaults continued. Even worse, they continued in front of my children (namely my oldest daughter, who is 7). As just one specific example - I've been called to ministry, and am currently studying to work toward that end. When I finally told my parents, they both literally laughed in my face and pointed out the times I had lied, cheated, smoked or drank, etc. Their exact words were, "Yeah, some kinda preacher you'll make." In short order, my daughter repeated these insights, because she had heard them from my parents. For obvious reasons, this is completely unacceptable, and for over a year my parents had nothing at all to do with their grandchildren because I refused to allow it. However, I felt it wasn't fair to my children to punish them because of my parents' actions or my own lack of action.

I did the only thing I could do. I prayed. It wasn't excessive or fancy, and basically boiled down to, "Lord, you know what I need better than I do. Whatever that is, please give it to me, and show me what to do with it." The Holy Spirit endowed me with a very powerful notion that I think is echoed in JimJib's post.

Whoever said that when you got saved, you had to be a door mat for the world? You are the son of a King, you are called to be the King, the Priest, and the Prophet of your home, so act like one!

It is exactly the power of Christ JimJib mentioned that intervened on my behalf, that strengthened me to confront my parents, and to set the boundaries that would be followed regarding my children (they are, after all, my children and not theirs). There was never any counseling or therapy of any kind because frankly, I couldn't afford it, and at the time didn't have a home church I could turn to for counseling. The Lord stepped in and stepped me up.

I'll be honest with you. The relationship between my wife and I with my parents (though that's an entirely different story which could fill a War and Peace-length novel) is still strained, but they haven't strayed once from the boundaries I laid out, and my children are able to have a happy relationship with their grandparents.

I hope I'm still making sense, and I'll bring this to a close. If a relationship with your father is what's best for your son, give it to the Lord, and He will make it happen. If that relationship is not what's best for your son; again, give it to the Lord, and He will make whatever it is happen. "When my father and my mother forsake me, the Lord will take me up." - Psalm 27:10. If your own father is not able to be in the picture, God will fill that void for your son with someone who can.

Ultimately, I think you already know the answer to your question. Give it to the Lord, and your needs, and those of your son, will be met.

 

[Matthew G]

Amen, JimJib. Amen! Thank you very much for the kind words, and I will be sure to look up that post. May the Lord bless you, brother.