How to REALLY forgive.

[Kaileymarie]

From 16-18 years old I was in an abusive relationship. He was my first boyfriend, I gave him my virginity, he was physically and emotionally abusive. After two years of trying to break it off I finally met my husband and I think a real man there to compete against scared him away from trying to get me back.

He of course would always tell me how horrible and ignorant i was, and how i should marry him because no one else would want me. It's been 8 years since I broke it off and after a while I started noticing the effects that relationship has had on me. The fact that my dad was an alcoholic and didn't pay much attention to me doesn't help either.

I feel like my husband is always attacking me when he's just trying to have a conversation. I can't take constructive criticism from him. I know he is absolutely crazy about me but I still have an underlying feeling he doesn't really like me, and that goes for everyone I know as well. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I still want this old boyfriend's approval after all these years. Just to name a few.

I want to get past all of these things that are holding me back in my daily life. I know I need to forgive him but I don't even know where to start. Send an email? Is he going to laugh at it? Why do I care?

One of my best friends from school is now in a relationship with him and has been for a couple of years. I rarely talk to her anymore but I'm afraid of making her angry if I were to send him an email or something. I also don't know how to make my husband understand how much I need this. I know he will think I'm just trying to start drama (although he knows I'm not the type).

Most importantly, i don't know how to forgive him in my heart. I'm still so angry that not only did he do this to me, but now he is treating someone I used to call my sister the same way. Is it possible that after this long I still am not ready to forgive him?

I have been praying, maybe I should just be patient. Any advice?

 

[farouk]

hi there kaileymarie: No one here can have the needed effect in your heart. Only the Spirit of God can do it, and this happens in believers when they consider the Lord Jesus and what he went through when He went to the Cross. Reading a passage, carefully and prayerfully, such as Philippians 2.5-11, can help. Also the beginning of Hebrews chapter 12.

 

[stovebolts]

Sometimes it's hard to let go of the past.. all the hurt, pain and shattered dreams. We want our hopes back and we don't want to let go of our dreams. You've got a tender heart and that shows, but stop looking for acceptance from your old boyfriend. Let it go and be content with your husband.

I know, easier said than done. Emotions do that to us especially when we try so hard to please those who abuse us, yet we can never really get their approval. I don't say this with a mean spirit, but stop trying and just accept who they are and when you do, your anger will start to go away. Life isn't fair and sometimes when we learn to accept that, then healing and forgiveness can really take place and the sins of others loose their grip on your life, and you'll be free. But don't expect it over night because it take awhile. It's almost like a death in the family.. it processes in stages and you can't hide from each stage. But there is light at the end of the tunnel, so keep your faith that what you really want in a relationship can be had with your husband who loves you dearly.

Put your focus on your husband because what should be his is being spent on your ex. Respect your husband even when he's not deserving of respect and he will respond with the nurturing love you deserve.

Lot's wife turned into a pillar of salt because she looked back yearning for what she was leaving. I believe we all have that little piece of us that can't let the past go... we can't let go of those past mistakes and they immobilize us. My advice to you is to take each day as a new day and focus on God's blessing each and every day and as your emotions allow, look back not in anger or regret, but look back to use what you've learned to better your future with your husband.

Grace and Peace.

 

[SueL637]

KaileyMarie,

Thank you for sharing and being open and explaining your struggles with forgiveness. I believe that everyone has a hard time with this at one time or another. As Jesus tell us in Luke 6:37, but it is always easier said than done, without His strength.

I also struggle with forgiveness. I grew up in a very abusive household. This abuse can lead us in our adult lives to have intense issues with trust.

What I have been shown, by our Savior's blessing, is focusing on all the things that He provides for us. Focusing on the positive takes our mind off of the negative. Each time I feel a bitterness or anger at those who hurt me, I find the smallest gift from God, like fresh water (which so many do not have) or our health insurance, things such as this. It keeps me focused on how very blessed I am.

Continue to pray for God to give you the blessing of a forgiving heart. Matthew 11:28-30

Have a blessed day sister.

 

[By Grace]

From 16-18 years old I was in an abusive relationship. He was my first boyfriend, I gave him my virginity, he was physically and emotionally abusive. After two years of trying to break it off I finally met my husband and I think a real man there to compete against scared him away from trying to get me back.

He of course would always tell me how horrible and ignorant i was, and how i should marry him because no one else would want me. It's been 8 years since I broke it off and after a while I started noticing the effects that relationship has had on me. The fact that my dad was an alcoholic and didn't pay much attention to me doesn't help either.

I feel like my husband is always attacking me when he's just trying to have a conversation. I can't take constructive criticism from him. I know he is absolutely crazy about me but I still have an underlying feeling he doesn't really like me, and that goes for everyone I know as well. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy. I still want this old boyfriend's approval after all these years. Just to name a few.

I want to get past all of these things that are holding me back in my daily life. I know I need to forgive him but I don't even know where to start. Send an email? Is he going to laugh at it? Why do I care?

One of my best friends from school is now in a relationship with him and has been for a couple of years. I rarely talk to her anymore but I'm afraid of making her angry if I were to send him an email or something. I also don't know how to make my husband understand how much I need this. I know he will think I'm just trying to start drama (although he knows I'm not the type).

Most importantly, i don't know how to forgive him in my heart. I'm still so angry that not only did he do this to me, but now he is treating someone I used to call my sister the same way. Is it possible that after this long I still am not ready to forgive him?

I have been praying, maybe I should just be patient. Any advice?

Thank you kellymarie for your very kind PM. I was concerned that you would think that I was calling you names, instead of attempting to show you what it looked like from God's perspective. Sister, we are one in Christ in many ways. Permit me to explain.

My family was also alcohol centered. At 12, my parents thought it was cool to teach me how to bartend, and I was good at it. I knew how to short shot, and float the whiskey on top so the poor schmo who had too much would not consume more alcohol. At age 8, I got drunk by drinking the dregs from the shot glass. I could tell you many stories of "martini Sundays" and how as the firstborn I had the responsibility of being the only driver in the family who was sober, and who drove my parents home from drinking too much ar a restaurant. the primary cause of my Father's death was alcoholic encephalopathy, and the secondary cause was Alzheimer's.

My father was a man hater, and told me often that she hoped I was a girl, so that she could pin me with a weird name. In our family, she was the enabler (also mentally ill, but that is another story. My role in the family was "scapegoat" and I got blamed for everything bad that happened, including my "accidentally" tripping her while on ice skates which was the "cause of her multiple sclerosis"

As a result of all that, and more, I developed a rage so intense that it could be quantified, and I came to believe that it could be assuaged if I murdered at least two people. Yeah, the abuse made me that sick,and due to that, my personality was severely distorted. I could not trust, I could not love, and I was hyper vigilant because I believed that "everyone was out to get me". Because God gave intellectual prowess classified as "gifted" which is +2 SD if you understand statistics, I was able to "beat everyone up with my brain". ( I am not giving numbers out because I glory in what God has done as a result of Jesus healing me) That did not get me many friends in the military, especially non-commissioned officers whom I thought were as smart as dirt. nor was a nice fellow in college.

That is all prolog to experiencing the grace of Jesus. Yes, I was saved, I clearly responded to having my heart strings pulled by Jesus at age 7 in a summer camp. But due to all that nasty stuff in my life, I refused to let Jesus heal me because like the Uncle Remus story, "The Tar Baby" I cherished my rage. It was entirely justified. I DESERVED better treatment than I received. My rage was as big as the doll baby made of tar, and the more I clung to it, the more that tar melted, and the more tar I had in my heart; the tar penetrated my skin, and was attached to my soul. I was desperate to change, but couldn't change. therefore I got professional help and Biblical help simultaneously. I also consumed professional-level books on my particular personality disorder.

Through the counseling, and spiritual warfare, I saw my parents for who they really were: hurting people. In the counseling process, I became aware of an adage which is 100% true if Jesus does not intervene: hurt people hurt people who hurt other people...

Later,when I could accept the truth of that, I learned another adage about forgiveness: "Forgiveness is mandatory because not about them, it is about you. When you forgive others, or release them from their burden to be a good parent to you, there is no more a seemingly justified rage-filled resentment that you can hold against them. As I learned to release them from theit failure to be "good parents" I could see them as a product of their time, and slowly Holy Spirit enabled to weave a tapestry about their life, which made their poor choices understandable even though they were outrageous.

Holy Spirit permitted me to see a lost girl who was deprived of her mother and father as a 4 years old. Her mother died in a mental hospital when she was 5, and she was tossed from one sister to another to live through the depression. Because she was considered attractive, she got unwanted attention from men who saw her as an easy opportunity. Is it any wonder she hated men in general? That did not excuse what she did to my younger sisters, or to me, but I could see that from the eyes of God, and not from the viewpoint of an abused child.

The same thing happened as Holy Spirit led me to weave things about my father's home life. Too long to mention here.

Finally, in my journey through the process, Holy Spirit gave me this adage,which really cuts to the heart of the matter: "Not forgiving the ones who abused you is like eating lots of rat poison in hopes that the RAT will die"

Therefore, kellyMarie, you are NOT responsible for what was done to you while you were helpless and dependent, but you are responsible for how you handle it as a Christian adult. Had I not beenabused, I would not have the great compassion that I do have for the victims of abuse. On this site, I ss it in the lives of homosexuals who were abused, and in the flesh turn towards drugs, or promiscuity or whatever to make sure that a person of opposite sex does not hurt them again. While theirs is an understandable reaction, and is semi-functional in the short run, they do not fully understand that their choice is the road to destruction. You see, their rat poison is the drug, or homosexual behavior they engage in in the vain hope that their particular RAT will die.

Those of us who are abused have a choice in the way that we act as a Christian adult. We can do nothing, and remain victims, or we can surrender it to Jesus, forgive our RAT, and have Jesus change our sorrow into gladness, and our weeping into joy. It is only then that we can become VICTORS OF ABUSE IN JESUS CHRIST. As long as we abide in Christ, He will give us what we need to remain victors. If we claim victory because we used a medical doctor, or a psychologist, we are taking the victory away from the One to whom all glory is due because it is HE ALONE who conquered both sin and death. BTW I am NOT stating to NOT use medical or psychological help getting healed. After all ALL healing comes from Jesus. We must give the King of Kings the glory and not the MD, or PhD.

Hope this helps you, and others.

Now you can see why I quote John Donne in my signature.

 

[By Grace]

Siggy did not show

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less.

As well as if a promontory were.
As well as if a manor of thine own
Or of thine friend's were.
Each man's death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

John Donne

 

[for_his_glory]

Hi Kaileymarie,
For 30 years I was mentally and physically abused by my father and two husbands which left me with so much hate in my heart and no self-esteem. I even got to the point of wanting to commit suicide, but the only thing that stopped me was God. My faith was very weak most of those years as I really did not have that closeness to Jesus as I do know. I couldn't forgive and forget like people told me I should because I couldn't even love myself thinking I wasn't even worthy to live anymore. When your life is taken from you especially as a young child it is hard to find it later on in life.

It wasn't until I laid it all before Christ that I found my answer on how to forgive and to even love myself. I found a quiet place where I would not be disturb by anyone and I just cried it out to Jesus to help me. After I was done pouring my heart out to him I laid quite as Jesus began to speak to me and showed me 11 Kings 5:1-14. He was showing me just like Naaman I was looking for others to help me that knew Jesus, but Jesus was showing me how to rely solely on him to take my hurts, my pain, my unforgiveness and even myself and go and metaphorically wash myself in the river Jordan to be cleaned of my own sin so that I could also forgive others of theirs. You have no need to go to the ex boyfriend, but to only forgive him from your heart and leave all the past right where it needs to be in the past. It's like God who forgives our sins and remembers them no more. Concentrate on your husband and the relationship the two of you have and keep it centered in the love of Christ and build new friendships together. I will keep you in my prayers and God bless your heart.

 

[iLOVE]

Psalm 91

The Message (MSG)

91 <SUP class="versenum mid-line">1-13 </SUP>You who sit down in the High God’s presence,
spend the night in Shaddai’s shadow,
Say this: “God, you’re my refuge.
I trust in you and I’m safe!”
That’s right—he rescues you from hidden traps,
shields you from deadly hazards.
His huge outstretched arms protect you—
under them you’re perfectly safe;
his arms fend off all harm.
Fear nothing—not wild wolves in the night,
not flying arrows in the day,
Not disease that prowls through the darkness,
not disaster that erupts at high noon.
Even though others succumb all around,
drop like flies right and left,
no harm will even graze you.
You’ll stand untouched, watch it all from a distance,
watch the wicked turn into corpses.
Yes, because God’s your refuge,
the High God your very own home,
Evil can’t get close to you,
harm can’t get through the door.
He ordered his angels
to guard you wherever you go.
If you stumble, they’ll catch you;
their job is to keep you from falling.
You’ll walk unharmed among lions and snakes,
and kick young lions and serpents from the path.

<SUP class=versenum>14-16 </SUP>“If you’ll hold on to me for dear life,” says God,
“I’ll get you out of any trouble.
I’ll give you the best of care
if you’ll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I’ll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I’ll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I’ll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!”

 

[SueL637]

Oh and btw I wanted to share, there is a powerful song by Matthew West called Forgiveness. You can find it on YouTube. The story behind the song is even more powerful.

 

[Matthew G]

There has been quite a bit in my life I've had to forgive others for, and one extremely close "other" in particular (those who have seen a previous rant or two of mine know what I'm speaking of). But I'll give you the short version. Up until about 2 years ago, my wife (we're married 8 years this coming Monday), had a total of 13 affairs, and that's not an exaggeration. However, today I can tell you with 100% honesty that we are happier and stronger now than we ever were before, but all of that had to start with forgiveness. In my personal experience I've learned that, when you want to forgive someone, there is a simple, but unbelievably effective three-step plan to allow that forgiveness.

1.) Forgive
2.) Pray
3.) Repeat

Forgiveness isn't some magical event that just happens and sprinkles dust on everything to make it better. Forgiveness is a state of mind. Now let me stop for just a moment to tell you, dear sister, that you do NOT need your ex-boyfriend's approval. The only man whose approval you need is your husband, and from your first post I think you have it, and more importantly, you know you have it.

I understand the need you have to forgive, so getting back to that, it's very simple. You have to make the decision to forgive (which you have), and then you forgive him. It's that simple. But the enemy will throw back in your face all the hurtful things that were done or said to you, and tell you that it doesn't matter if you forgive him or not because you're not worthy to forgive anyone anyway. THAT IS A LIE DIRECTLY FROM THE PITS OF HELL! This is also where Step Three comes into play: Pray. Pray for God to help you forgive, pray that He will give you the grace to not recant your forgiveness, and command the enemy to stay back from you. Take charge of your heart and your mind, dear sister, pray to the Lord for His miraculous navigational aid, and He will give it.

Also, I'd like to encourage you (if you haven't already) to seek the help of a counselor to help you cope with and overcome your need for this approval. My wife experienced a similar feeling, and counseling helped her tremendously. Cling to the Lord and to your husband, in that order, be humble enough to admit to both of them that you need help, and in Jesus' name you will have it!

Stay strong, sister, and remain steadfast in prayer. The Lord is already working on your deliverance, all that remains is to receive it!