How to Talk to Preteens About Sex

[Focus on the Family]

Estimated reading time: 5 minutes

Have you wondered how you are going to talk to your preteen about sex?

By the time children are 13, they are more than 50% likely to have seen explicit porn. By their teen years, over 70% report watching porn every week. Whether by accident or on purpose, our kids are exposed to explicit material regularly. Until we grapple with that reality, we may not be moved to action. While no parent wants to admit their own child could be included in these statistics, it’s wise to consider the strong likelihood that your child has or will see sexual material soon.

If porn is so prevalent in our world, then parents need to be proactive in how to talk to preteens about sex. Porn exposure or continued use shapes views on women, men, dating, body image, and acceptable treatment toward the opposite sex. Porn has several effects on a person’s life, including their overall perception of sex. As a sex ed teacher with nearly 15 years of experience in Christian classrooms and secular locations, I believe porn is the biggest sex educator in the world. While filters and accountability software are incredible tools for modern parents, healthy sex ed remains at the root of preventing unhealthy behaviors.

Why Christian parents need to learn how to talk to preteens about sex​

Many parents struggle with how to talk to preteens about sex in a way that aligns with their faith and values. Many times, parents don’t know how to begin a healthy and holy sex ed conversation. This is due in part to a lack of modeling when we were growing up. The idea of ‘the talk’ is antiquated because appropriate sex ed occurs over the course of a child’s lifetime with many conversations taking place. In the past, parents relied upon metaphors like ‘the birds and the bees’ and a one-time lecture concerning dating or puberty. To many parents, this seemed more than sufficient for the young minds in their home. However, this style of education left kids (including us) lacking in their formative views on sex. In other words, kids were not discipled in matters of sexuality. Often, we were talked at and not to, as we awkwardly made it through any uncomfortable discussion with parents.

How pornography shapes a child’s understanding of sex​

Given how prevalent porn is, parents must be proactive in how to talk to preteens about sex before the world does it for them. This no longer needs to be the case. Biblically based families can use complete sex ed curriculums right at home.

Satan uses fear and or shame to immobilize us as parents, but God did not give us spirits of fear. We have all the Holy Spirit power we need to talk to our vulnerable kids who are growing up in a porn-saturated culture and sexually broken world. God calls us to disciple these kids for such a time as this (Esther 4:14).

Overcoming the fear of discussing sex with your kids​

Clarifying your child’s question is a key step in how to talk to preteens about sex with honesty and wisdom. Scripture tells us that, instead of beating around the bush or using flowery language, we are meant to, “Instead, speaking the truth in love, grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” (Ephesians 4:15 ESV). Our Lord created sex, and we are called to respect His creation. This reverence includes our conversations about sex.

How to talk to preteens about sex with honesty and biblical truth​

When we talk to our kids, it may be tempting to use unhelpful metaphors or even lie to skirt their questions. This isn’t necessary. Answer honestly while considering your child’s age. Ask them if they understand, where they heard the words from, or how they thought of the question. Get to the root of their wonderings, and you will learn more about your child.

Using everyday moments to teach kids about sex and sexuality​

Rather than avoiding the topic, use natural opportunities to explore how to talk to preteens about sex in age-appropriate ways. Practically, this can mean discussion of the news you hear together (ex: abortion laws, gender-affirming care, a leader’s infidelity, celebrity dating relationships, drag queen shows, etc.) or media you consume. If you’re consuming a show, song, social media, or any other media together, then ask your child what they think about it. Do they know your family’s values and why you have them?

Why parents must take the lead in sex education—not the world​

Even when it feels uncomfortable, committing to how to talk to preteens about sex ensures your child learns from you first. If parents don’t address how to talk to preteens about sex, kids may assume it’s a shameful topic instead of a God-designed part of life.

As a parent or guardian, you oversee your family’s formation. You have the connection to disciple children in matters of gender, sex, sexuality, and more. This is not only to be perceived as a challenge but as an incredible opportunity for fellowship and discipleship—one the Lord has called us to. Maintaining integrity, seizing opportunities to talk, and continuing these conversations will impact their lives forever.


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[Juliarod]

I think it starts with us! Even as Christians we do not talk about it enough. How many men on here have opened up about how they can be better at even providing a biblical marriage for them and their wife? Not many I would assume. Biblical lovemaking for Christian couples is a sacred and beautiful expression of love, unity, and intimacy designed by God within the covenant of marriage. The Bible affirms that sexual intimacy is a gift from God, meant to be enjoyed with passion, respect, and selflessness. In Song of Solomon 4:7, the husband adores his wife, saying, "You are altogether beautiful, my love; there is no flaw in you," highlighting the deep affection and appreciation spouses should have for one another. 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 encourages mutual satisfaction, stating, "The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband… Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer." This passage underscores the importance of both partners prioritizing their physical connection while maintaining spiritual balance. Additionally, Hebrews 13:4 declares, "Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure," emphasizing that intimacy within marriage is both honorable and holy. Christian couples are called to nurture their love with tenderness, joy, and commitment, always reflecting God’s design for a loving and fulfilling marriage. This is biblical and beautiful and if modeled daily, kids will see it and want to emulate it too. I mean, Lovemaking should be an act of unity, pleasure, and deep connection between husband and wife, rooted in love and respect. Song of Solomon 7:6-12 is a poetic celebration of marital intimacy, where the lovers express desire and admiration for one another. This passage illustrates the beauty of passionate love, showing that physical intimacy should be joyful and uninhibited within the bounds of marriage. Proverbs 5:18-19 encourages spouses to delight in each other, stating, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth… Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; be intoxicated always in her love.” This verse highlights the importance of ongoing attraction and pleasure in marriage. Ultimately, Christian intimacy should be built on love (Ephesians 5:25), mutual giving (1 Corinthians 7:3-5), and emotional connection, ensuring that physical closeness strengthens the spiritual and emotional bond between husband and wife. It's beautiful! Don't be afraid to talk about it, period! I think it's the enemy, Satan, who keeps us from talking about it more freely and lovingly. He's the one who wants to drive us into shame and sin. Not God. God has laid out the model to emulate and to provide for our kids as a shining example of our Heavenly Father's love. -Julia

 

[Soyeong]

I think it is should be an important part of sex education is to not just teach abstinence, but to inform people about their options if they get pregnant and have a baby. For example, there are legal repercussions to child abandonment, so that is not a good option, but there is a window of time when a baby can be left at a hospital, fire station, or safe haven with no legal repercussions and no questions asked. This window can vary from State to State, but in my State it is 72 hours. The baby can be left anonymously where you leave them in a box, walk away, and an alarm sounds to let them know, you can leave contact information in case you change your mind.

It is also important to teach that if someone thinks that they were raped, then they need to go to a hospital right away.

 

[Juliarod]

I think it is should be an important part of sex education is to not just teach abstinence, but to inform people about their options if they get pregnant and have a baby. For example, there are legal repercussions to child abandonment, so that is not a good option, but there is a window of time when a baby can be left at a hospital, fire station, or safe haven with no legal repercussions and no questions asked. This window can vary from State to State, but in my State it is 72 hours. The baby can be left anonymously where you leave them in a box, walk away, and an alarm sounds to let them know, you can leave contact information in case you change your mind.

It is also important to teach that if someone thinks that they were raped, then they need to go to a hospital right away.

I so agree, those are both critical parts of the discussion that should not be skipped over. And also that the pleasure between a married couple is AWESOME, and so special and tons of fun. Of course as I write this I recognize that it's not always true. Many years I was very unhappy sexually and I fell into sin. While my sin was gratifying at the moment, it was not ultimately satisfying and unhealthy and so risky. But with your proper spouse it can be even more exciting and I don't think we always do a good job of explaining this because we feel like hypocrites sometimes. Sex education should be comprehensive and Biblically based, of course, but not dull and boring, but it should of course be age appropriate!