Bible says that we need to rely on God, and not our understanding.
I've tried to live godly life through all youth temptations. Or that's how we call them. But those are also experiences as they would say. But still wrong. This creates big conflict in myself. If I deny myself all youthful desires, then I will lose all interests (I've gone through that, removed all worldly desires, and focused on God, (right in my 18 yrs, right in the middle of youth when they get interested, I withdrew from those temptations).
And that left me with no friends whatsoever who would understand me.
So I've spent my youth alone, without friends, because I fled from temptations.
Same is with college, I focused on studies, I networked on professional level, but I never once indulged myself in parties, I can joke and laugh, and I do, and make humorous talk with anyone I meet. But other then when I see them (not that often compared to loneliness I experience), I'm pretty much numb.
I've become numb to everything. If I allowed myself, to feel something, it means I'm allowing youthful passions in myself ? Don't pray enough because I'm occupied (like, why I need to pray every single day, if nothing happens anyway).
Recently I watch anime, granted, I personally don't like addiction, I am convinced by Spirit, that it's wrong, and I just can't do it. Like, I can't allow myself to get addicted to drugs, or porn, because I am smart enough to know better, as it will develop addiction in me, and then I will feel pulling power of it. Which I don't like.
But on other hand, I am free from all addictions, I don't feel any addicting power pulling me, but in that state, there remains only one power that pulls me strongly, and that is doubt, feeling of stagnation, like I lost all feelings.
Parents taught us that we need to repent, from like I was child, and need to pray. But think about it. Child should only know, to recognise that it have sinful tendencies, and need to be careful with their actions, always seek God with whole heart not to astray, to rely on God to provide, that's where repentance means for child, so it can stay in Spirit. And I really did so.
But, I feel like I am isolated from world. Like, closest prayer I can have with God, is when I'm broken, and saddest. And often I feel like, any happiness, is wrong, or that I'm not praying enough.
I just want to take a break from prayer. I'm tired of articulating my thoughts all the time. I'm praying really short prayers recently, because I feel like it's enough, because I am not going astray in any way. I've already separated myself from any wrong influence from people who would tempt me in wrong company (I don't have wrong friends, who are drug abusers, or gossipers, I've separated myself from those).
But I feel stupid. Like, this power of doubt, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
I'm 22 now, but feel like my faith is based on loneliness and brokenes, and feel like, if I get better then I would lose my faith.
But on other hand, I'm still struggling with getting any job, and girlfriend is impossible.
I feel like a fool, when time will come for dating. That I'm so serious as they would say.
But I say they're fools, because they're not serious in dating, treat others like object. I don't know how are people satisfied with shallow relationships. I feel like those relationships are based on lust, money and power. I feel like they're such a fools and so blind. But of course they will be, because like heroin addict, they're addicted as well to lust and power.
I'm not. But still, I yet haven't received that what I've need from God. I've worked hard. I always do. But recently, I just don't want to get up from bed, even though I can get up in moments notice if I know there's some work to get done, I have strong discipline, faith, have strong integrity.
Like, in high school, I remember once, one girl twerked right in front of my face, mocking me, and she wanted me to slap her on a**. And I've tried to look away, to be annoyed. Really in that moment, I also can say, I've overcome sexual temptation, lust or stuff. No wonder, why they mocked me. They didn't thought I was gay, but still, I feel such a fool for living like this. But on other hand, they're such a fool for being so stupid.
I don't know what to do anymore. People in church, can't automatically become my friends, I can talk like acquaintances but that's pretty much it. Even there, they ignore me, and used to mock me (me having social anxiety).
And also, even now, when I've overcame social anxiety, I have too strong of a charisma so to speak, and people are in awe, and there is always one person who is having high expectations from you, because you have great charisma.
Like, I can't even have great charisma, and talk to people and stuff... without someone making stupid comments.
I don't know if I've grown anymore, feel like I'm always in same place.
What is God's will for my life, I am content and thankful for little things, really. I'm not gonna find happiness in things, but as I learnt I am allowed to enjoy things of course.
So, I now watch anime when I finish studying (which is always, like I'm trying to improve everyday, but I can't get past restrictions I can't control, like lack of opportunities where I'm born, even though I'm fighting all the time and moving to change that, I just don't have strength for everything.
I always feel stupid when I open up about something, because I have that unique perspective.
I don't know, many people really appreciate that about me, and many people really like me because of that. Because I really represent person of integrity, strength, willingness, hard work. I must say, I am happy to be such a great witness for Christ, and to live for Christ in that way, I really do. I always told myself, when I felt my lowest, not to suicide, because I will never get opportunity again to live, to live for Christ, in Christ law, right way to live. That really always kept me going, I couldn't allow myself. It's about discipline. I can't allow myself to go in despair.
But even though many appreciate me, and I am likeable because of it, I feel like I am lonely.
Because, I'm limited by money really. I wish I could go to parties with them, I know I can, it's not forbidden in Bible, and I have great sense of humour. I like to be humorous, I can make sex jokes, and even vulgar, I know it's not wrong, but still, I always like to be in line, with my character, so I don't do that of course. I like to have fun, make great jokes, but when it's time to work, then we're serious (so I'm pretty much mature). I don't like when somebody's character is always about throwing jokes around, when they really always slack off.
I like to make jokes just like them, but I don't have my mind always filled with observation on joking around, but on working my best to achieve my goals.
In Hebrews, it says " god is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him". This is what I often feel, like God is unjust towards me, toward my life.
I don't know, I always feel low, I'm having strong discipline in everything. I had to, in order not to fall to temptations.
But I feel so alone in all of that.
No matter, even though people like my behaviour, I still feel stupid, for not doing more. I could say, that this is that temptation, to indulge in youthful sins, as they would say. That's where I'm at. When somebody have alpha male confidence. You know usual type who pick up girls. That's type I can also have in social settings as well. But I choose to step back, as I don't want to indulge myself in sin, as I know it would hurt me.
I'm so stupid, I will always feel alone. And always be conflicted, but I at the same time, proudly can say that I've lived for God in my life, even on judgment seat I could say that really.
I have those inner desire for holiness, and external desires, what other's are doing, and trying to be more like them, I know I can ever be like them, because that means going against my inner desires and my inner character for holiness, to live for God.
I feel like I'm crucifying myself, my youth, but no, it really is what happened, I crucified my youthful sinful desires, those external wrong desires I reject, how I could possibly accept that ?
As that will leave me with false well, and I can easily fall in desperation, and I won't be able to find God in darkness.
I feel like, I am in privileged position, where God is close, I get hope, faith, because I accepted to carry my cross, but at same time, I feel so lost, stupid, and unlovable, and where God is far.
But also, where I feel, when in faith, I feel like God is far, and it's darkest, I know in faith, that God is closest. And in faith, really is.
I don't know how to bear this cross anymore.
When somebody teaches their children to live christian life, think twice. Stop policing child behaviour. You need to explain to child, like you would to adult, with what challenges it would face. BUT, it's really important, to impress on child, why it's so good to keep commandments, you as parent need to be support place for them when they grow up.
I don't have parents who are supportive in any way. They always assume the worst about me.
Don't teach children about Christ, if you're not ready to carry them along the way, if you're not ready to teach and be with them like Christ would. My parents are never around for emotional support, always blame me for anything, gaslight me, I just feel violated.
What's purpose of teaching children, other than fulfilling your narcissistic and selfish ambitions about controlling children ? Because that's best way to shut up kids, so kids can be quiet, to trip him with guilt of some sin he didn't commit. It's different thing, to teach them about their sinful tendencies which can show up.
I've tried to live godly life through all youth temptations. Or that's how we call them. But those are also experiences as they would say. But still wrong. This creates big conflict in myself. If I deny myself all youthful desires, then I will lose all interests (I've gone through that, removed all worldly desires, and focused on God, (right in my 18 yrs, right in the middle of youth when they get interested, I withdrew from those temptations).
And that left me with no friends whatsoever who would understand me.
So I've spent my youth alone, without friends, because I fled from temptations.
Same is with college, I focused on studies, I networked on professional level, but I never once indulged myself in parties, I can joke and laugh, and I do, and make humorous talk with anyone I meet. But other then when I see them (not that often compared to loneliness I experience), I'm pretty much numb.
I've become numb to everything. If I allowed myself, to feel something, it means I'm allowing youthful passions in myself ? Don't pray enough because I'm occupied (like, why I need to pray every single day, if nothing happens anyway).
Recently I watch anime, granted, I personally don't like addiction, I am convinced by Spirit, that it's wrong, and I just can't do it. Like, I can't allow myself to get addicted to drugs, or porn, because I am smart enough to know better, as it will develop addiction in me, and then I will feel pulling power of it. Which I don't like.
But on other hand, I am free from all addictions, I don't feel any addicting power pulling me, but in that state, there remains only one power that pulls me strongly, and that is doubt, feeling of stagnation, like I lost all feelings.
Parents taught us that we need to repent, from like I was child, and need to pray. But think about it. Child should only know, to recognise that it have sinful tendencies, and need to be careful with their actions, always seek God with whole heart not to astray, to rely on God to provide, that's where repentance means for child, so it can stay in Spirit. And I really did so.
But, I feel like I am isolated from world. Like, closest prayer I can have with God, is when I'm broken, and saddest. And often I feel like, any happiness, is wrong, or that I'm not praying enough.
I just want to take a break from prayer. I'm tired of articulating my thoughts all the time. I'm praying really short prayers recently, because I feel like it's enough, because I am not going astray in any way. I've already separated myself from any wrong influence from people who would tempt me in wrong company (I don't have wrong friends, who are drug abusers, or gossipers, I've separated myself from those).
But I feel stupid. Like, this power of doubt, I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.
I'm 22 now, but feel like my faith is based on loneliness and brokenes, and feel like, if I get better then I would lose my faith.
But on other hand, I'm still struggling with getting any job, and girlfriend is impossible.
I feel like a fool, when time will come for dating. That I'm so serious as they would say.
But I say they're fools, because they're not serious in dating, treat others like object. I don't know how are people satisfied with shallow relationships. I feel like those relationships are based on lust, money and power. I feel like they're such a fools and so blind. But of course they will be, because like heroin addict, they're addicted as well to lust and power.
I'm not. But still, I yet haven't received that what I've need from God. I've worked hard. I always do. But recently, I just don't want to get up from bed, even though I can get up in moments notice if I know there's some work to get done, I have strong discipline, faith, have strong integrity.
Like, in high school, I remember once, one girl twerked right in front of my face, mocking me, and she wanted me to slap her on a**. And I've tried to look away, to be annoyed. Really in that moment, I also can say, I've overcome sexual temptation, lust or stuff. No wonder, why they mocked me. They didn't thought I was gay, but still, I feel such a fool for living like this. But on other hand, they're such a fool for being so stupid.
I don't know what to do anymore. People in church, can't automatically become my friends, I can talk like acquaintances but that's pretty much it. Even there, they ignore me, and used to mock me (me having social anxiety).
And also, even now, when I've overcame social anxiety, I have too strong of a charisma so to speak, and people are in awe, and there is always one person who is having high expectations from you, because you have great charisma.
Like, I can't even have great charisma, and talk to people and stuff... without someone making stupid comments.
I don't know if I've grown anymore, feel like I'm always in same place.
What is God's will for my life, I am content and thankful for little things, really. I'm not gonna find happiness in things, but as I learnt I am allowed to enjoy things of course.
So, I now watch anime when I finish studying (which is always, like I'm trying to improve everyday, but I can't get past restrictions I can't control, like lack of opportunities where I'm born, even though I'm fighting all the time and moving to change that, I just don't have strength for everything.
I always feel stupid when I open up about something, because I have that unique perspective.
I don't know, many people really appreciate that about me, and many people really like me because of that. Because I really represent person of integrity, strength, willingness, hard work. I must say, I am happy to be such a great witness for Christ, and to live for Christ in that way, I really do. I always told myself, when I felt my lowest, not to suicide, because I will never get opportunity again to live, to live for Christ, in Christ law, right way to live. That really always kept me going, I couldn't allow myself. It's about discipline. I can't allow myself to go in despair.
But even though many appreciate me, and I am likeable because of it, I feel like I am lonely.
Because, I'm limited by money really. I wish I could go to parties with them, I know I can, it's not forbidden in Bible, and I have great sense of humour. I like to be humorous, I can make sex jokes, and even vulgar, I know it's not wrong, but still, I always like to be in line, with my character, so I don't do that of course. I like to have fun, make great jokes, but when it's time to work, then we're serious (so I'm pretty much mature). I don't like when somebody's character is always about throwing jokes around, when they really always slack off.
I like to make jokes just like them, but I don't have my mind always filled with observation on joking around, but on working my best to achieve my goals.
In Hebrews, it says " god is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him". This is what I often feel, like God is unjust towards me, toward my life.
I don't know, I always feel low, I'm having strong discipline in everything. I had to, in order not to fall to temptations.
But I feel so alone in all of that.
No matter, even though people like my behaviour, I still feel stupid, for not doing more. I could say, that this is that temptation, to indulge in youthful sins, as they would say. That's where I'm at. When somebody have alpha male confidence. You know usual type who pick up girls. That's type I can also have in social settings as well. But I choose to step back, as I don't want to indulge myself in sin, as I know it would hurt me.
I'm so stupid, I will always feel alone. And always be conflicted, but I at the same time, proudly can say that I've lived for God in my life, even on judgment seat I could say that really.
I have those inner desire for holiness, and external desires, what other's are doing, and trying to be more like them, I know I can ever be like them, because that means going against my inner desires and my inner character for holiness, to live for God.
I feel like I'm crucifying myself, my youth, but no, it really is what happened, I crucified my youthful sinful desires, those external wrong desires I reject, how I could possibly accept that ?
As that will leave me with false well, and I can easily fall in desperation, and I won't be able to find God in darkness.
I feel like, I am in privileged position, where God is close, I get hope, faith, because I accepted to carry my cross, but at same time, I feel so lost, stupid, and unlovable, and where God is far.
But also, where I feel, when in faith, I feel like God is far, and it's darkest, I know in faith, that God is closest. And in faith, really is.
I don't know how to bear this cross anymore.
When somebody teaches their children to live christian life, think twice. Stop policing child behaviour. You need to explain to child, like you would to adult, with what challenges it would face. BUT, it's really important, to impress on child, why it's so good to keep commandments, you as parent need to be support place for them when they grow up.
I don't have parents who are supportive in any way. They always assume the worst about me.
Don't teach children about Christ, if you're not ready to carry them along the way, if you're not ready to teach and be with them like Christ would. My parents are never around for emotional support, always blame me for anything, gaslight me, I just feel violated.
What's purpose of teaching children, other than fulfilling your narcissistic and selfish ambitions about controlling children ? Because that's best way to shut up kids, so kids can be quiet, to trip him with guilt of some sin he didn't commit. It's different thing, to teach them about their sinful tendencies which can show up.
