[__ Prayer __] I am so utterly lost

[mrunk1975]

As the title suggest I'm utterly lost. I don't know what's true and not true any more. I'm severally depressed and stressed out and suffering from extreme anxiety.

I don't believe God will ever forgive me. I have mocked him and even threatened to kill him out of anger. I don't deserve to be forgiven

Even if he were I can't seem to change and there is apart of me that doesn't want to. Shakespear once wrote to thy own self be true. I can't be anything other then what I am. While I want to change I don't know how to. I've tried many times to change my ways but I always fail.

I don't know anything any more and I can't even handle my own life. I spend all my time thinking about killing myself because I don't want to be here any more. I feel there is no hope for me that God had abandon me ( not that I blame him.)

I just want to for once in my life have peace and feel like my life is in control. I'm tired of being alone. I just want all these feelings I have to stop. I just want it all to end.

 

[for_his_glory]

Hi mrunk1975 and welcome to CF

First let me say that I and many have been where you are now in your struggles feeling like all hope is gone and God no longer cares for you. I can only assume that you know of God and His Son Christ Jesus, but never had a strong relationship with them in understanding who they are. If that is the case then you need to quit running away from Him making excuses for yourself and start to humble yourself before the throne of God's grace as He will forgive you anything in your life. Just confess to Him that you are a sinner needing His mercy and grace and that you accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior. From that beginning God will create in you a new clean heart filled with His love and peace He wants to restore back into you again as you surrender every part of yourself over to Him.

It's no longer I that lives as I have been crucified with Christ who now lives within me and I in Him and now seek those Spiritual things from above where Christ sits at the right arm of God, Colossians 3:1-17.

In my own experience I had to get to the place where enough was enough within my own insanity. I found a place where I was not going to be disturbed by anyone and just sat there and laid all my fears and doubts before the Lord pouring my heart out to Him. When I could give no more I just laid there in silence. It was in the silence that I finally allowed God to speak to me, to change me and make me who He wanted me to be in Him. This is what you need to do is to just lay it all at the feet of Jesus and give Him a chance to speak to your heart and change what needs changing within you. From that point on keep seeking to know Him building up that personal relationship with Him.

We are here for you and you can ask us anything. If you want to talk in private you can always PM me and what is said in PM stays in PM.

You are in my prayers

 

[tim-from-pa]

As the title suggest I'm utterly lost. I don't know what's true and not true any more. I'm severally depressed and stressed out and suffering from extreme anxiety.

I don't believe God will ever forgive me. I have mocked him and even threatened to kill him out of anger. I don't deserve to be forgiven

Even if he were I can't seem to change and there is apart of me that doesn't want to. Shakespear once wrote to thy own self be true. I can't be anything other then what I am. While I want to change I don't know how to. I've tried many times to change my ways but I always fail.

I don't know anything any more and I can't even handle my own life. I spend all my time thinking about killing myself because I don't want to be here any more. I feel there is no hope for me that God had abandon me ( not that I blame him.)

I just want to for once in my life have peace and feel like my life is in control. I'm tired of being alone. I just want all these feelings I have to stop. I just want it all to end.

You sound young. Or at least fairly young and what you wrote is exactly what I went through over 40 years ago as a young man. I could have written this as well. Let me tell you, it will turn out good in the end, but with the caveat that you study the Bible over and over again.

You want to change? That's the Holy Spirit's job as a fleshy man cannot do it on his own. Just tell the Lord that, and then study the Word.

You think the Lord can't stand you and forgive you? Look how long He has been here to deal with mankind, and that flake and his cohorts we call Satan. I mean, your sins are nothing compared to theirs the Lord had to put up with not to mention sending His own Son to remedy it all. The Bible even says the same thing:

But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

So what came first, the chicken or the egg? God's Love or our sin? And He knew we were sinners and yet He died for us. So you see, your reasoning (about your sin) is not at all Scriptural but emotional which is why you need to get more into the Bible and out of yourself.

Here's the bad news: it will take take to grow, but maintain the faith that as long as you come to God, he will in no way cast you away. (John 6:37) which is a promise. "But I'm still sinful and weak in faith" you may protest. Doesn't matter. Because if it DID matter, then that's switching the whole burden over to you to help save yourself. Again. That's not Scriptural. Once you come to Christ, the ball is in His court.

 

[Dorothy Mae]

As the title suggest I'm utterly lost. I don't know what's true and not true any more. I'm severally depressed and stressed out and suffering from extreme anxiety.

I don't believe God will ever forgive me. I have mocked him and even threatened to kill him out of anger. I don't deserve to be forgiven

Even if he were I can't seem to change and there is apart of me that doesn't want to. Shakespear once wrote to thy own self be true. I can't be anything other then what I am. While I want to change I don't know how to. I've tried many times to change my ways but I always fail.

I don't know anything any more and I can't even handle my own life. I spend all my time thinking about killing myself because I don't want to be here any more. I feel there is no hope for me that God had abandon me ( not that I blame him.)

I just want to for once in my life have peace and feel like my life is in control. I'm tired of being alone. I just want all these feelings I have to stop. I just want it all to end.

Your post really reflects that you do not know what is true and not true anymore. I mean, any man who threatens to kill God has really lost touch with the reality of his/her own limitations. A flea might threaten to kill a man is about the size of the threat.

You write that you cannot change but I think you were closer to the truth when you wrote you do not want to do so. that is good as it reflects the truth, as awful as that is.

Now you want to live in peace and feel like you are in control. Those two are likely mutually exclusive. My suggestion is to surrender your life to Jesus Christ and repent of the wrong you have thought and done. Cry out to him for forgiveness. Ask him for mercy. Surrender your life to Him.

Now the tendency to think suicide is from your Enemy. Your can rebuke him but you need to belong to Jesus first.

It is true that I cannot say I have ever been where you are. I started walking with God in childhood or teens latest and was never in that sort of pit of despair. Others, like for_his_glory can help you better with identification in that situation. But nevertheless Jesus is the answer and you must surrender what you already know is your miserable life to Him. You cannot be in control anymore. Cry out to God for mercy but it must be in repentance, not just because you want out of your miserable situation. He wants us to be clean, not happy and in charge.

 

[Who Me]

That you consider your self as lost is a good sign.
Those who are lost have no concern about there state.
You are concerned, so please seek help.

Please get medical help for your mental state.
P.ease seek spiritual counselling about your spiritual state.

You've had good advice from others here so please follow that advice.