[__ Prayer __] I am trying my best... help me!

[Sparrowhawk1161]

I am just trying my best right now.

My mother went into a nursing home. Not that we got along at all. we had are share of fights... more fights thatn anything? But, she became so nice and sweet.

All the things I ever hated about her are just memories becasue all the nice things I remember are killing my heart.

I called her. Not just to ask so0mething, but just to tell her what was going on... just to say what it was. And, she knew and just listened and had a nice conversation with me. I took her out to the Supermarket as she looked at every single item... and made me so impatient... "You need new underwear new shirts... when didi you buy those... oh look... this is nice."

THen she had a stroke... out of nowhere. Where you find out she is on her flore for 3 days without anyone to help her... almost 90 years old, saying..well she gave up the ghost..." Yeah, right...My Mom... Giving up the ghost that fast? Never ever would such a dominating woman who made my life hell when I was littl;e ever... ever give up to death.

Now, she is in a nursing home... parralized on her left side, dependant on everything and everyone... and just across the state where I have no ability in my poverty to call her except maybe once a month when I called her at least everyday?

If that wasn't enough, a friend I had for 11 years, suddenly vanished. Yes! vanished. His apartment was left exactly the way it was... except for a TV. And, that tolds me he went down to Florida to live with his daughter.

I love my daughter so much... that there is nothing in this world at all that I love more... even the ex-wife. My daughter is the best thing that ever...ever... happened to me...

So, I don't blame him. But, not saying a word, for 11 years of friendship where I loved like a christian to just find out he "vanished?" To FLorida...without telling me?

Why am I putting this down... ohh... becasue of anxiety

I have an anxiety disorder with depression... which makes it hard to get out... and now, I have no friend to call on when I am lonely... afraid of all people who could become friends because I invested all my time on him?

It's the same old thing. You live in solitude. The book of hours is my only comanion... and this is it. I what for the Church hours to stengthen my faith. This is my life now! A monk among no monks just being completely alone... with not a soul.

I guess that is what I was meant to be... completely and utterly alone! My life? All it's happenings? Everything that happened to me...good or bad? All, I liked and loved...(Except for my daughter,) points to one thing...

Total solitude was always my friend and solitude will never excape me... ever...

 

[Mike]

Wow. You'd have a lot to deal with, even if you didn't have your anxiety and depression. What has become of your mother would be difficult to deal with under the best of circumstances. And then to have your very good friend just up and leave. I can think of a few close ones I have that I wouldn't want doing that.

I can't speak to your self-admitted condition, but I just wanted to say you might be considerably "abnormal" if you didn't respond emotionally to the things I mentioned above.

You have my prayers.

 

[Sparrowhawk1161]

Hi...Mike?

No need worrying about the word "abnormal." Working in psych...and, You came in the door, reading your very history... interesting? Yes... you would sound basket case.

Before I worked in psych, I tool a Psychology course in my first year. The thing stands out in my mind is functionality.

Can you function in society? Then, can just toss that psych chart away for it doesn't anything! On not kidding.

What is abnormal and normal, functioning and not-functioning... it's based on rules

1. You can a job and contrubute to society
2. You can keep a family some order without going into psych.

You are normal...

It's socialogical more than psych.

I would loive to tell you about it... but, this place has rules...if it is not based on christianity? Don't put it down.

But, I would love to talk about the "models" and there perfect makup and there hair coming in looking around. and their counterparts... the homely ones... who never think they could ever be happy.

Why are the "models" in there? Hey, these are the people who are the cream of society?

Anyone can in a psych hospital...and everyone does not want it known...

I would really LOVE to tell you about this and what I learned and how to help you... but, it's Christian site... not psychology site...

So unless I want my post completely deleted... that's the way it is... though it was catholic place and my own experiences with the Lord helped me... But, that's it... no one who is modersators want to know this for it is not completely relegious...

right?

 

[God's_gift]

I am just trying my best right now.



Why am I putting this down... ohh... becasue of anxiety


Total solitude was always my friend and solitude will never excape me... ever...

sorry for your loss:-(
prayers for you... just don't try it so hard sparrowhawk1161, God will do the rest for you...

 

[Clear2Learn]

I like your username! Reminds me of that book by Ursula LeGuinn. I have often felt the way you do. I had a very angry, bitter, and critical father, and in my 30s I suffered from depression, social anxiety, and nearly constant fear and guilt. I tried therapy, and various antidepressants, and they all helped for a little while, but it wasn't till I surrendered to God and put my life in His hands that things really began to change.

I'm fairly certain that you, like me, have built up such a back-log of hurts, and sorrows that you can barely function. The first step I ask you to take is pray for God to come into your heart. Perhaps you've done it before and it was meaningful and heartfelt, but it won't hurt to do it again.

I would pray something like the this: "Dear God, I come to you low and miserable. I am a sinner and I am not worthy of your love, but I know you love me anyway. Please come into my heart, and into my mind, and into my soul and guide me. Change me into who you created me to be. I put my life into your hands. I love you. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen."

God loves you and if you will let Him, He will teach you how to love you too! I think that is the source of most of the misery in this world; most of us have made many mistakes and we secretly don't like ourselves very much. God can change that if we are willing to let him.

The next step is to start forgiving! Forgive your mother for all the times she hurt you in the past. Forgive yourself for all the things you've done or didn't do. This is not a quick-fix! This can take months or even years! But what else could you do with your time that would be so fulfilling and rewarding?

When you remember what someone did to hurt you, you can say something like the following:

"I forgive _________________ for ____________________. As I hope and pray to be forgiven, so will I forgive. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen."

When you need to be forgiven for your own mistakes or wrongdoing, you can pray something like the following: "Dear God, Please forgive me for ________________. I repent of my sin. In Jesus' name I pray, Amen."

DON'T WAIT TO FEEL LIKE FORGIVING! Ask God to give you the strength and then say the words! Trust me! If you start saying the words, your emotions will eventually catch up! Honestly! I have been where you are! Thanks to God's love and endless forgiveness I have an amazingly happy and peaceful life. You can too if you will put your faith in God.

God has not and will not ever forsake you! He loves you no matter what secret sorrows lie in your past! I pray in Jesus' name that you will open your heart to Him, and put your life in His hands.


May God bless you always,

Steve

If you'd like to read more of my writing, you can find it at www.clear2learn.tumblr.com