[ Testimony ] I have a secret that I have been keeping for so long...i need help

[Ralphias]

I have been thinking hard about my condition for 12 years since I became ill with psychosis. I have come to the conclusion that there is two people inside my head caused by the stress of my work, resulting what I believe to be dissociative identity disorder: the two personalities are thus: one being Jesus and the other being James.

James is a person who knows right from wrong who is very self aware and loves God; he tries to be the best Christian he can be. The Jesus part of me thinks I am the second coming of Christ. James is not a fool he knows what's real and what's not and thinks constantly that he is blaspheming by the Jesus part of me: he knows he can't be Christ because he is not perfect; although he is not bad by any means as he has a great understanding of people and why they do the things they do. He has never gone out his way to upset people but he knows he has made mistakes in the past but tries his best to be a child of God. The Jesus part of me comes from the Jesus of the Bible originating from everything James knows about Christ that is Biblically accurate and firmly believes that this is how the second coming of Christ comes into the world in the end times. James knows that Christ is fully man and fully God and the Jesus part of me says that James is fully James and fully Jesus. The James part of me knows this is a delusion, but hopes to one day change the world and spread the word of God as mankind has, on the whole, become distant from God in these dark times.

When the psychotic break happened it felt forced like James could not have prevented it. The James part of me thinks " how can God do this to my soul" and is confused of why this has happened to him; he hopes that he is not Jesus, he hopes that the real Jesus will forgive him if he has blasphemed and that his condition will correct itself, but has been told that his illness is life long by doctors. He thinks maybe he is being tested.

The Jesus part of me has so much confidence and strength and knows what is right in God's eyes. He tells James things like why we should love our neighbours as ourselves and why this is the greatest commandment; He says that those who enter heaven will all be family; that is, those that are judged good in Gods eyes will all be related in heaven and in essence we will love each other like daughters, sons, parents...we should still treat those who treat us badly in life with love and respect because we don't know who is in the book of life and thus may change their ways in the future. He has told me many things and shown me things that James thinks and hopes is just wishful thinking but the Jesus part of me says is true.

James is very troubled by all this and what it means if it is reality and not a delusion. He is scared but he knows the truth about his Christian faith; he has been born again recently as a Christian due to developments in his life and is learning about himself after living a sheltered existence. He has literally needed to know about Christ and His ways through research to keep himself sane. He would even die for Christ if his mind is wrong about all this and he just wants to spread the good news of Jesus. I refer to myself in my head in the third person and my way of thinking is very unusual. James has always been quiet and kept all this a secret to all but those that know him best because I know not many people would understand all this without thinking I was crazy or dangerous. If I ever show this to anyone please don't think the worst of me, as I know just how this all sounds, but I swear it is the truth...

 

[daninthelionsden]

One of the greatest fears people have for themselves or a loved one is to lose the ability to differentiate between reality and perception. Ask the Lord to send you the Holy Spirit that you may be indwelt with the gifts of discernment so you may reattach to YOU and no longer reside with these two intities which seem to be harming you. Your true identity is in Christ when you accept Him into your heart. This does not make you Christ. It does allow you to have a very real relationship with the One who made you. You are not Jesus and you are not James if you think of yourself in the third person. Ask the Lord to show you how He sees you and Him to help you become the YOU He intended for you to be.

 

[Ralphias]

Thank you daninthelionsden for that, I will pray more specifically as you said . This is the James part of me by the way, I feel i have the holy spirit already as i feel God has spoken to me in a dream in the past and i am getting involved proactively in my church. In this dream i asked Jesus why are we on earth, why did you create us?, He said in a very mysterious distant but warm loving voice "why on earth, why? because you believe in Me! His words felt like they had many meanings and could be interpreted in many different ways which is why I believed it was from God.

The problems i face, i feel, stem from the fact that I hate sin i think i started referring to myself in the third person in my head to stop myself from sinning as I have seen the effects sin has on us all and I don't like it. i cant control the third person inner dialogue, it was not there before I became unwell with psychosis, but it has now become, I feel, firmly embedded in my psyche due to trauma of my work I used to do. I don't know how to fix my broken self but I have prayed countless times, tried making promises I couldn't keep in an attempt to force this way of thinking out of my head and every time I failed. I wish I could just snap out of it but in my understanding, there is a chemical imbalance in my head that is kept in check with medication and the James and Jesus personalities are just the by product of my psychotic break I had in my twenties where I believed 100% I was Jesus, which is madness. I saw the devil face to face in this psychosis, i just ignored him and is the only time I have hallucinated vividly. I care about everyone and hate to see people suffer including myself and I know God would not want us to live like I am in what was once repression of oneself and now become something more.

We all have a unique test in life, I feel, mine, is very difficult to say the least. I worry for my soul sometimes and my loved ones seeing me go through so many psychological issues, but I'm quite stable at the moment thanks to, as I’ve already said, I feel being born again as a Christian due to discipleship and Bible studies from my church minister who has helped me greatly . I just have to brush aside and ignore the Jesus personality, however I do learn things from him sometimes but I am wary it's not true and part of my phychological problems.

 

[Ralphias]

Thankyou for the prayers, sending love, James

 

[Christ_empowered]

Praying

I’ve been diagnosed with…everything lol it’s weird now because I’m remarkably normal 10 years into knowing Jesus Christ…

But in the fallen world we live in labels stick.

There was a time when I had to take the tranquilizers. I still take a lower dose but it’s different now…

It’s not so much that the tranquilizer keeps me barely together but rather that it sort of helps me deal with what I started with which was mostly deep depression and occasional flips upwards a bit. Moving on…

Jesus Christ says that each of us has to take up the plow and push forward. Don’t look back. We each must also die daily. How does an acorn become an oak tree? By dying. So…

It’s difficult after psychotic episodes because there’s ones mental state plus social factors that often make things worse…

But try to die daily. Not because it’s therapeutic or what have you but because Jesus Christ commands us to do so. My own social life is limited so I’m trying to pray for persecuted Christians and focus on just doing day to day life and also the few people in my social circle. And Jesus Christ..,

A growing love for Jesus Christ is part of my new life. Not that I’m the Christian schizophrenic guru or anything just sharing with you. Take care…

 

[citrus]

Have you considered that you might be allergic to certain medications? It can mess with persecption easily and cause hallucinations. This does not mean you need to be rejected. Maybe you are not being your real self. Maybe because of it and trauma you are trying to cope with things you can not settle with and thus having this happen to you throw you into a state of confusion? The bible says to cast down our imaginations when it comes to terns of mental health. Try to focus on what you do know is healthy and not illusions or extreme behavior that is not normal to other people. I know it seems impossible or hard. Something in you is relying on this because of a certain need in yourself you need to let go and have self control, but also allow God to help fix your mind from trauma. Don't try to fix it through searching all over things in this world. Let Jesus meet that need. I know it is hard. What is your self talk? You need to learn how to defronciate what is and what isn't and do everything to confront it. Don't feel stressed when you feel you can't control it. Test it. Ask God to heal your mind every day and night. Don't do anything that seems unrational. Trust logic and ask God for discernment. Don't give up. Don't try to feel the void with other stuff just surrender to God. Focus on him. Praying for you. Try to get good sleep. If a person dies not get good sleep they can hallucinate. Try taking melatonin before bed and block out everything that is coming at you. Don't be overwhelmed just try to get sleep. Eat good, stretch, shower, and know your not alone. I mean physically you may be, but not spiritually. You have prayers. Even when you don't think anyone is praying. Jesus intercedes on your behalf. Look at things to be greatful for and allow your emotions to heal. We can't always trust emotions, but sometimes they are real. If you need to cry, cry. It releases toxins. Of course don't force yourself. Talk to God about it. He understands where your emotional state is at. If your angry ect. I hope that helps you.

 

[Christ_empowered]

Thanks for this citrus

 

[citrus]

Of course ♡

 

[Ralphias]

Hi a quick update I have been praying and praying and attending church, counselling, learning more about Christianity, it doesmt matter what I thought in the past, Jesus died for my sins I now know I am not Him and I feel I understand. Just as part of this testimony I now know the devil was tricking me and I am trying to.make amends for what I thought and acted upon here on these forums. I need to be obedient to God and not lean on my own understanding. I feel i now know who I am as a person and Jesus continues to teach me Prov. 3 Verses 5 to 6[5] Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. [6] In all thy ways acknowledge him, and He shall direct thy paths

 

[Ralphias]

What helped the most was rationalising and thinking about all what Jesus said in the Bible and thinking about how He lived for 33 years without sinning once and speaking God's word, given to Him from the Father without contradicting Himself in a human body then dying for all the worlds sins. Only God himself can do these things as its too difficult for us. Our God is great and praise worthy, He died for our sins becuase its so difficult to live by the word of God exactly, as I myself know as I tried. He loves us as His children that's why we should live like Him even though He knows we cant live up to Jesus's way of life exactly, but We should try the best we can. We should also try and understand others and take care of them as He understood us and took care of us by dying for all our sins. As a side note I just want to say strange things happen in your life when you put all your faith in God, and not yourself, He really does transform your life if you're sincere in your heart about everything to Him. Thanks all for the comments. I feel I owe it to Him to live as He intended me to following the word as closely as I can for my sins