[__ Prayer __] I just don't care

[Christ_empowered]

Finally, I'm at the point where being the pariah really doesn't bother me all that much. I mean, dudes always openly disrespect me and such, but...whatever. I'm healthy, smart enough for college-level work, my masculinity is developing, and I'm remarkably--get ready for this one--normal. N-o-r-m-a-l is a goal that has long eluded me.

The neighbors still stay stuff about "prison" and "federal warrants," but...hey...that's been going on for over a year, maybe more like nearly 2 years (people were screaming about all that before I moved back in w/ my parents, so its been a minute).

I think maybe its a mix of typical Spiritual Warfare/backlash stuff that happens post-conversion to every Baby Christian, plus some social factors that are unique to me. So...yeah...for both typical persecution reasons and predictable sociological reasons....people don't care for me. At. All.

But, hey, that's what loud MP3 players are for, right? Talk about me all you want, I got the Velvet Underground drowning you out!

I just thought I'd post this because I always posted my less than happy posts about this situation. And called my older, wiser Pentecostal friend about it, too. Frequently.

Stigma isn't fun, that's for sure. What's strange is...when you're relived of: poverty, sickness, ECT-induced stupidity, etc., people want you to "know your place." "Play by the rules," etc. Its nonsense, and its not of God.

Hopefully, one day I'll move. By then, I'll be able to support myself and ready to do...something...with my life.

File this under "praise report."

I was praying about it, and God put on my heart that ever genuine conversion is a miracle. In a dark, fallen world...that's just not cool, lol. I also read in this text book I have for Liberty that God's work in our world is always met with opposition.

So...yeah...its comforting to know that other Christians go through it, too. And that I probably can't be a member of this community because I could only be a member of this community when I "knew my place," and that place was the dirt beneath the totem pole, lol. Plus, for a while there, everybody was waiting for me to die.

People are people. Most people aren't Christian, which is to say: people just ain't no good, generally speaking. Better to learn that lesson late than never at all.

 

[jeff77]

Ok, praying for you and praise God as well.

 

[AirDancer]

Prayers continue for you, my friend, and I sing praises to our Lord for the marvelous works He's doing in your life!

It's so true: God's work in our world is always met with opposition. Consider what many Christians go through in the days prior to becoming Christians. Some fight & scream in their rebellion against our Lord's love. Some consider it to so 'un-cool' to turn to our Lord. Some think the 'rules' are too strict, too confining for their comfort.

 

[Christ_empowered]

Truth is, I haven't been a member of this community for over 10 years. Shrinks declared war on me---I was an impoverished "trouble maker," after all--and that can ruin anyone's reputation permanently. People didn't like me anyway, so...yeah, LOL.

Its funny...just as the Lord has seen fit to restore my intelligence, presumably so I can move forward and build a life for myself, the truth about the whole situation becomes much clearer to me. Also, weirdly enough, once my intelligence came back, people stopped messing with me, but now there's more open animosity. Fun.

I'm kinda sorta reminded of Flowers for Algernon, you know? Low IQ dude turns smart and suddenly everything changes. I'm not a super genius, but I can handle college level work no problem, which wasn't the case until fairly recently. Really, hasn't been the case since 19 or so, so I'm looking at a solid 10+ years as a semi-vegetable. Thanks. psychiatry! LOL

I thought for a while--while I was still deep in my haze and in denial of it--that I would be made whole and integrated into this community. Now, I'm a Born Again Christian and I realize: this world is not my home. Neither is hometown, that's for sure. Maybe I could have been semi-integrated when people could condescend to me, laugh at me, use me....

...no longer. Also, I now have a solidly masculine identity that's developing, thanks only to Christ's grace. That makes people mad, especially the men. The women around here used to feel sorry for me, and they don't now, not anymore. I don't get as much open hatred from men, but the utter disdain and lack of any respect whatsoever is blatantly obvious.

As for the "mental health professionals" who set the stupidity into motion...they say I turned my family against them. they say all kinds of stuff, much of it Freudian (not even playing with you), and they're not trained in psychoanalysis. Read in between the lines: they pulled out The Freud to stigmatize a loser and hide all their hatred and contempt beneath layers of watered down, amateur psychoanalytic nonsense. They just wanted to teach an uppity sissy a lesson, which would explain round #2 of the involuntary ECT.

Its crazy. Sometimes, I feel like its a Christian sci-fi (semi-vegetable ECT victim becomes..normal! bright eyed! surprisingly intelligent!) mixed with an unusually bitter sweet delayed coming of age tale.

 

[Eugene]

I now have a solidly masculine identity that's developing, thanks only to Christ's grace.

You speak of physical comparisons with the world, while all the time it is spiritual growth that separates us.
2 Pet 3:18 . . grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and for ever. Amen.

We will know one another how? Mat 7:20 tells us it is by our fruits of the Holy Spirit which is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, & faith.

2 Peter 1:5-7 tells us to "Add to your faith virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, godliness, brotherly kindness and charity."

 

[Christ_empowered]

true, eugene...well said.

I think the physcial stuff has just been so obvious and...I mean, its me, I look at myself daily...I dunno...I've focused too much on the physical aspects of my transformation/restoration.

You're right. Physical stuff aside, spiritual development is what matters for Christians. I'm beginning to think that a lot of what I'm going through now is being allowed so I can mature in Christ a bit. I mean, its easy to say "Oh, yeah...Jesus! I love that guy!" when everything is going well and all that. But what about when people openly disrespect you and taunt you and you're at the very bottom of the totem pole?

Right....that's the other thing...I used to meet the criteria for full-fledged narcissism, and now I don't. Still, I need to learn genuine humility, you know? And to depend on The Lord, and not just to get out of crazy situations, but to guide my steps. I hold on to un-forgivness, anger towards my enemies, self-love, etc. Like I said, I'm not NPD anymore (which is miraculous...NPD is supposed to be intractable), but I've had NPD since childhood, so...I have a lot of learning to do .

As for the physical stuff...sometimes, I think its happening just so I can have a life. I was balding and people laughed, so now I have "too much hair" and its "too pretty." I was too feminine looking, so I was objectified and made fun of...now I'm more masculine looking and dudes don't care for me, but they also can't objectify me, which is nice. Also, honestly, if God hasn't fixed all the physical stuff, my people probably wouldn't be behind me, and I need them behind me just for safety, and to facilitate God's work in my life.

But...yeah...character development. When I was younger, I hid behind layers and layers of pharamaceuticals, frying my brain (even before ECT) and making me ever more vacuous and stupid. All that pain I went through taught me some lessons, and now that I'm a Christian, God's made good of a lot of it.

So....yeah...thanks, as always, for your helpful posts.

 

[Christ_empowered]

Anyway...just went shopping at the local Wal-Mart. Fun times. Overheard some stuff....

...this is what happens when people decide to "teach you a lesson" and then you don't die on schedule. I'm only 30, and I was supposed to be dead 7 years ago. I'm healthy, smart, and capable of doing stuff...but what to do?