I think I need some perspective.

[sarah.1179]

FIrst off I should apologize for only participating in this forum when I'm looking for advice... I posted once before back in July about a problem in my marraige... and it was usful... and now I'm back..

I was in the army for nearly 12 years... Then I met my husband shortly before I went through a difficult time in my life... So basically I left the army to get married.

While we don't have children of our own... we have other people dependent on us and I think what we have could be considered a family... I'm very close to his family... and to be honest since I married him my life has been brilliant.

Anywho he has very set views... firstly he's an athiest... which didn't initially bother me, and he did at the beginining make some accomodations for me, we had a reception with my C of E priest after we got married... he didn't initially mind me going to church... but as he became more involved with his various organisations I felt myself that my continuing to go to church undermined him... So I stopped..

But I was talking to a friend recently, and she accussed him of being controlling... and while I didn't agree (and still don't) she listed off other things... from her point of view she wasn't that concerned about the whole church thing.. but she pointed out things like how I dress... He's quite straight laced even with things like my gym kit, he doesn't like me wearing trousers (I know it sounds ridiculous but he stated a preference and it does annoy him while I'm not bothered either way) ... I think it's in part down to my time in the army and him wanting to draw a line under it...

We're going to a rememberance service for a friend of mine that died next week... Of course it's a religious service... which he doesn't mind going to... but I don't want any arguements with other people there... I've told him it's a military function so there's bound to be a relgious element about it... So all he has to do is sing a few hymns and get through the service without arguing with any of my army mates... I didn't have to argue with him to do it he agreed straight away... but he got involved in an arguement with the British legion and saying prayers at rememberance services a few years ago... To be honest it put me in a horrible position... there were a few ex-servicemen that felt that way but my husband encouraged them and created an arguement which I'm convinced wouldn't have happened otherwise... It put me in a really horrible position at the time..

Anywho I'm very sorry if this sounds confused ... there's probably a half dozen seperate issues tangled up in my post... but I just found this site to be so helpful last time ... so I want to try again..

 

[paisley]

I don`t know how useful my words will be but in regards to the rememberance service, is it possible that you could go alone? Afterall it is your friends and he would probably feel more comfortable not having to go through the motions of a religious service and you would feel more relaxed knowing no arguments would take place.

Second, I do think it is commendable of your husband to willingly agree to attend such a service with you so he can`t be a bad guy!

Third, I would suggest finding a support group of Christian women married to nonChristian men because I think the issues you face are unique. I know I have some friends married to nonChristian men and it can be difficult for them finding the right balance sometimes.

Fourth, why would your going to church undermine your husband? He attends his activities so why can`t you attend yours? He married you knowing you are a Christian and accepted that and you married him knowing he was an atheist and accepted that. It also sounds to me like he really does not have an issue with you going to church, it is just how you feel. Is that correct? If that is so, I really encourage you to return to church. Does his going to an atheist rally undermine you? I imagine not so your going to church should not undermine him. You are a Christian. This is who you are and it is a major part of your identity so when he chose to marry you that included your Christianity. If you were shoving Christianty down his throat or insisting that he attend church with you then that would be undermining, but it does not sound like that is the case so I encourage you to feel free and go to church and be who you are in Christ. You might even talk to your husband and be surprised to find out that he understands and accepts you attending church as long as you don`t ask him to go.

5. Even though I would not be pushing God on your husband, I do think quietly and privately praying for him may have a much bigger impact on his spiritual life than you might think so I would encourage you to pray for him every day if you are not already doing that.

6. As for controlling, from what you wrote it is hard to determine if that is really a part of his character or not. However, if you find life to be "brilliant" with him then I don`t see a problem. Each family and couple has our own style. I`m American and my husband is Japanese. My husband likes to have Japanese rice with every meal which is fine with me. I am not that picky with food so I don`t feel it is a control issue, but if he told me I "must" fix only Japanese rice and I had no choice about it then I would say that is controlling. Likewise, if your husband is telling you as a husband to a wife what he finds attractive on you and how he likes to see you dress then it may be his free open intimate feelings he has with you as opposed to just telling you how to dress like a father to a child where you have no choice in the matter. I know my husband would never go to someone`s house even my mothers and tell the hostess to fix him Japanese rice, but I`m his wife so he feels the freedom to express his preferences with me. This is part of our intimate relationship where we can speak freely with one another. If you feel happy and free then you have no problem but if you feel you have no choice in your life then you may be controlled.

 

[heather]

5. Even though I would not be pushing God on your husband, I do think quietly and privately praying for him may have a much bigger impact on his spiritual life than you might think so I would encourage you to pray for him every day if you are not already doing that.

Amen Paisley! I agree that you should be praying for him. Not just for his salvation, but for all the areas of his life. For his finances, for his passions, for his career, for his habits, for his whatever! For example, my husband is in pain 100% of the time, so I pray that his pain is manageable and that it goes away or that it subsides enough to allow him to sleep at night.

I think that maybe going by yourself might be a good idea also. Unless he knew this person, too, or it makes you uncomfortable to be there by yourself, you should consider going alone. This keeps you out of an awkward position and keeps him from feeling awkward.

I also think that if you speak with him and he tells you that he isn't bothered by your attending church, then you should. Church is a very important part of a believer's life. It is an area of fellowship, growth and learning. Even though he is not a Christian, it is a good idea to seek out other Christian wives (especially if they are married to non-believers) to learn better (and I'm not saying you're a bad wife) how to be the wife God expects you to be...especially to your husband.

Lastly, if he prefers you wear skirts, and you don't have a problem with it and feel that he is being respectful to you, then I find it hard to believe that he is controlling. I wear certain perfumes because my husband prefers them. I wear certain shirts because he likes them more than others. He is the one you have to please...not your friend. I could care less if other people think I look good, as long as I feel pretty and comfortable in what I'm wearing and my husband finds it pleasing to his eyes. Men are very visual creatures and it's a good idea to keep that in mind. As long as he finds you attractive, and you don't mind and don't find it degrading, then where is the problem?

I hope that helps. Sorry it's so long.

 

[paisley]

"I wear certain shirts because he likes them more than others. He is the one you have to please...not your friend. I could care less if other people think I look good, as long as I feel pretty and comfortable in what I'm wearing and my husband finds it pleasing to his eyes."

This is exactly the sort of feelings I was trying to convey too. Part of expressing one`s love is trying to please the one we love in a healthy way. My daughter likes strawberries on cakes so I take great joy in putting a few strawberries on it just to see the excitement in her eyes and smile on her face. As I wrote before my husband likes Japanese rice so I fix it for him and it makes him happy. It is such a simple thing but conveys a big message of consideration, specialness, and respect. I used to never drink coffee but I had a friend that loved coffee so I always had coffee at my home just for her and it made her feel special. I could go on and on with little things we can do to make other people feel loved or special, this is important in relationships. It has nothing to do with control. Control is when the other person demands these things of us. I think deep inside you probably know if you are doing things out of control or joy. If it is joy then let your friend know that you dress to please your husband and there are no other issues involved. It is purely your choice and your way of expressing love. I think if it is your joy, then you really need to let your friend know because it is not healthy for you to have a friend saying unhealthy things about your husband that even produces doubt in your own mind. Put an end to it. Personally, I try not to say anything negative about other people`s spouses. I try to encourage my friend`s marriages. If there is a problem, I listen to it, and if my friend wants advise, I try to give it without demonizing her spouse. Please be careful with a freind that talks freely and negatively about your spouse especially if what she is saying is in accurate.

 

[Nick]

5. Even though I would not be pushing God on your husband, I do think quietly and privately praying for him may have a much bigger impact on his spiritual life than you might think so I would encourage you to pray for him every day if you are not already doing that.

Amen Paisley! I agree that you should be praying for him. Not just for his salvation, but for all the areas of his life. For his finances, for his passions, for his career, for his habits, for his whatever! For example, my husband is in pain 100% of the time, so I pray that his pain is manageable and that it goes away or that it subsides enough to allow him to sleep at night.

Amen as well! I would add that your actions can also speak louder to him than words. Live your life like Christ told us to live and he might sit up and take notice.

 

[GodspromisesRyes]

yes! PRAY for your husband and stand in faith that God HAS heard and HAS answered- and believe that NO MATTER WHAT YOU HEAR OR SEE from your husband! AMEN

Then obey and submit to Him and do not expect upon Him Godly things. If he makes a scene then amen, use it at a great opportunity to die to self and be humbled and dont be mad at him or frustrated. You cannot control him from acting this way when it is in him to do it just be thankful that through these things you can die to self so Christ is formed in you! These are GREAT opportunities to grow in patience and faith!