Je m'apelle Shane
Member
Hello, my name is Shane. I'll try to make this as short as possible. I'm confused and I don't know where to turn. I was born into a Catholic family and grew up Catholic. I quit Sunday school at a very young age (9 or 10 I think?) and my first confirmation was late I didn't get my first confirmation until I was 14 or so. Despite all this though, I did consider myself religious.
I still took religious classes outside of Sunday school, learned all of the Catholic prayers, and prayed almost every single day. Then those teen years that everyone loves so much hit. I was definitely a problem teenager, I got detention and suspended more times than I can ever even count. I still remember in the 6th grade I had skipped so many detentions that I had to serve 4 months of consecutive double detentions to catch up. Needless to say they were among the longest 4 months of my life. I was expelled from school twice. Once at the end of seventh grade for pushing a teacher into a desk and another time for threatening to kill my 8th grade teacher who was extremely mean and verbally abusive woman. Simply put, that woman was a monster and shouldn't have been allowed to teach. She didn't deserve the death threat, but she did deserve to be fired.
I nearly killed my sister once (I shot an arrow at her but, she blocked it with the door.) Started smoking at the age of 12 receiving a butt kicking from my father (He threw me against the wall and wailed on me) and a 6 month grounding from the computer. Actually, nvm those detentions being the longest punishment of my life, that was by far.
I regret today all of the things that I did back then. But, I had my reasons too. I was being physically and verbally abused at home by my Father. See, my Father has had this massive drinking problem since I was about 9 years old. He still drinks to this day. I was physically and verbally abused by him up until 3 years ago when I finally moved out of my parents house.
Luckily though, because of the beatings I got from my father and because of the alcoholic that was my father is, I don't smoke at the age of almost 30 and I buy a bottle of $20 wine and it lasts me 2-3 years.
I don't want to be the person that my father is. A hypocritical Catholic man who doesn't even believe in Jesus. The hardest thing for me to do as a changed man was forgive the man who beat my mother in front of me. That definitely took the cake for me personally, when he wailed on my mom because he was verbally and physically abusing me at 2:00 in the morning and my mom took my side and was upset at him for waking her up when she had to work the next day. The man who nearly killed me by trying to smother me to death with a pillow, the man who never gave me the light of day since I was six years old, the man
who constantly degraded me and called me a miserable piece of life. And worst of all the man who's openly admitted to regretting me being born.
I made an account on these boards and tell you all of this because, I don't know where I religiously stand anymore. After my dog died when I was 16 I felt myself slip away from God and became a full fledged Atheist for most of my 20's up until I was 26. That year, I coincidentally got the worst news of my life, had an almost month long Psychotic episode in May of 2012. I was diagnosed with Schizo-Affective disorder and my world came crashing down. Because not only was I depressed, I was legally insane.
It's a struggle now every single day to stay alive (I think about suicide every single day) and without God, I probably wouldn't have gotten through all of it.
Some good has happened though, In Feburary of 2014 I met my wife. We dated for almost 2 years and just got married 6 months ago. I feel like, she was sent by God to help me survive. I wouldn't trade her for the world.
Anyway, now that I'm religious again, I feel like I don't fit in with Catholicism at all. I haven't set foot in a Catholic Church since I was about 15 years old, and I'm almost 30 now. I wouldn't really know what Christian faith to hold. I don't know if I'd even fit in with Christians. I'm only Christian up to the point of loving Jesus and accepting that God exists and trying daily to follow God's word as he slowly leads me through my life.
I occasionally pray alone away from my wife, the Lord has helped me a lot through prayer. But, I don't know what church to go to, or what to label myself or even if I could label myself as religious. I don't know where to go and I don't know who to turn to. Sometimes God helps me through prayer, but he doesn't answer every time. He doesn't answer a lot of the major questions. Like, what do I do next? What does it mean to be Christian? Or religious in any sense? Why am I here? What am I supposed to do for my wife? Because, there is so much information to take in from the bible. I feel like I couldn't possibly do it all. And It's as it says in Matthew 7:21-23,
"
“Not everyone who says to me, "Lord, Lord," will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, "Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?" Then I will tell them plainly, "I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!"
"
I know Jesus was talking about prophets and I'm not a prophet but, I feel like I have to follow the same moral code. I feel like I still have to follow the will of the Lord. I can't be a hypocrite. I can't say "I'm Christian" or "I'm religious" if I sin every single day, and put no effort into anything. I have to become perfect in order for Jesus to even listen to me.
I still took religious classes outside of Sunday school, learned all of the Catholic prayers, and prayed almost every single day. Then those teen years that everyone loves so much hit. I was definitely a problem teenager, I got detention and suspended more times than I can ever even count. I still remember in the 6th grade I had skipped so many detentions that I had to serve 4 months of consecutive double detentions to catch up. Needless to say they were among the longest 4 months of my life. I was expelled from school twice. Once at the end of seventh grade for pushing a teacher into a desk and another time for threatening to kill my 8th grade teacher who was extremely mean and verbally abusive woman. Simply put, that woman was a monster and shouldn't have been allowed to teach. She didn't deserve the death threat, but she did deserve to be fired.
I nearly killed my sister once (I shot an arrow at her but, she blocked it with the door.) Started smoking at the age of 12 receiving a butt kicking from my father (He threw me against the wall and wailed on me) and a 6 month grounding from the computer. Actually, nvm those detentions being the longest punishment of my life, that was by far.
I regret today all of the things that I did back then. But, I had my reasons too. I was being physically and verbally abused at home by my Father. See, my Father has had this massive drinking problem since I was about 9 years old. He still drinks to this day. I was physically and verbally abused by him up until 3 years ago when I finally moved out of my parents house.
Luckily though, because of the beatings I got from my father and because of the alcoholic that was my father is, I don't smoke at the age of almost 30 and I buy a bottle of $20 wine and it lasts me 2-3 years.
I don't want to be the person that my father is. A hypocritical Catholic man who doesn't even believe in Jesus. The hardest thing for me to do as a changed man was forgive the man who beat my mother in front of me. That definitely took the cake for me personally, when he wailed on my mom because he was verbally and physically abusing me at 2:00 in the morning and my mom took my side and was upset at him for waking her up when she had to work the next day. The man who nearly killed me by trying to smother me to death with a pillow, the man who never gave me the light of day since I was six years old, the man
who constantly degraded me and called me a miserable piece of life. And worst of all the man who's openly admitted to regretting me being born.
I made an account on these boards and tell you all of this because, I don't know where I religiously stand anymore. After my dog died when I was 16 I felt myself slip away from God and became a full fledged Atheist for most of my 20's up until I was 26. That year, I coincidentally got the worst news of my life, had an almost month long Psychotic episode in May of 2012. I was diagnosed with Schizo-Affective disorder and my world came crashing down. Because not only was I depressed, I was legally insane.
It's a struggle now every single day to stay alive (I think about suicide every single day) and without God, I probably wouldn't have gotten through all of it.
Some good has happened though, In Feburary of 2014 I met my wife. We dated for almost 2 years and just got married 6 months ago. I feel like, she was sent by God to help me survive. I wouldn't trade her for the world.
Anyway, now that I'm religious again, I feel like I don't fit in with Catholicism at all. I haven't set foot in a Catholic Church since I was about 15 years old, and I'm almost 30 now. I wouldn't really know what Christian faith to hold. I don't know if I'd even fit in with Christians. I'm only Christian up to the point of loving Jesus and accepting that God exists and trying daily to follow God's word as he slowly leads me through my life.
I occasionally pray alone away from my wife, the Lord has helped me a lot through prayer. But, I don't know what church to go to, or what to label myself or even if I could label myself as religious. I don't know where to go and I don't know who to turn to. Sometimes God helps me through prayer, but he doesn't answer every time. He doesn't answer a lot of the major questions. Like, what do I do next? What does it mean to be Christian? Or religious in any sense? Why am I here? What am I supposed to do for my wife? Because, there is so much information to take in from the bible. I feel like I couldn't possibly do it all. And It's as it says in Matthew 7:21-23,
"
“Not everyone who says to me, "Lord, Lord," will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. Many will say to me on that day, "Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?" Then I will tell them plainly, "I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!"
"
I know Jesus was talking about prophets and I'm not a prophet but, I feel like I have to follow the same moral code. I feel like I still have to follow the will of the Lord. I can't be a hypocrite. I can't say "I'm Christian" or "I'm religious" if I sin every single day, and put no effort into anything. I have to become perfect in order for Jesus to even listen to me.
