In love and seeking advice

[Farhan]

Hi all,

I'd like to briefly introduce myself. I am 24 years old, born and raised in San Francisco, recent college graduate, and a Muslim. Please don't judge me just yet.

I met my wonderful fiancée Linda, who is a 20-year-old Catholic and currently in school, about 8 months ago while I was still in school with her. We really hit it off on our first date and fell in love with each other. At that point, we were aware of our religious beliefs, but still decided to pursue a relationship together. Just for the record, I made it absolutely clear to her that I do not want her to switch to Islam because of me. Few months later, I asked her to marry me and fortunately, she said yes. We got engaged a month later.

Things were going great till a couple weeks ago when Linda was joking around about us having triplets. She went on to ask which religion we would teach our kids (if we had any) to practice, and it turns out that according to Islamic law, our kids would have to be Muslims. While I am not against it, I strongly feel that it would cause a lot of tension between Linda and me, and I don't want that. I want to make this relationship work.

We won't be getting married till after Linda's out of college, but I really want to deal with this matter as soon as possible. I know Linda and I are not religiously compatible, but I love her very much and cannot bear the thought of losing her over this. I would rather have our children learn about both faiths and ultimately decide which one they want to follow.

Has anyone else been in this situation? I know I have time before this decides to snowball into a disaster, but I'm sure I can prevent that if I deal with it now. Thanks in advance for all your help!

 

[Eugene]

Dear Farhan, welcome to CF.net. I can only give what my bible states in 2 Corinthians 6:14, "Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?" You may think; but we are believers. Well, not by some of the opinions below. I will say that since the both of you are willing to enter such a union, your faiths seem to not be that important to either of you.

The following answers I found on Google that may be of help to you.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20100602025447AA4Z7B7
The Catholic Church allows marriage between Catholics and non-Catholics.

The interfaith couple will have to get permission from the bishop.

Anyone married in the Catholic Church has to:
+ Take a pre-marriage course
+ Promise to baptize and educate their children in the Catholic Church.

http://www.rferl.org/content/article/1052841.html
Islamic scholars are expressing surprise at a Vatican statement cautioning Catholic women against marrying Muslim men. The Catholic Church, like most major religions, does not favor religiously mixed marriages, and has set restrictions on them. But this latest explicitly worded message from Rome appears to run counter to the new era of ecumenism between religions.

http://islam.about.com/od/marriage/a/interfaithmarriage.htm
In general, Muslim men are not permitted to marry non-Muslim women. "Do not marry unbelieving women until they believe.

An exception is made for Muslim men to marry chaste or pious Jewish and Christian women, who are referred to as "People of the Book." This comes from the understanding that Jews and Christians share similar religious outlooks -

 

[Farhan]

Hi Eugene! Thank you for the warm welcome.

You are right. Our faiths aren't as important (at least not in every religious aspect), but we do follow certain guidelines laid out for both religions. I say this because there are certain aspects of Islam that I am not comfortable following.

However, Linda and I did do our research on interfaith marriages, and what you have mentioned above is pretty much what we had found. We may not be fully religiously compatible, but we can still get married. Linda and I are both chaste - we have been saving ourselves for marriage, which is one of the many reasons why I do not want to lose her. I haven't yet talked to her about which religion we'd be teaching our children, but I would have absolutely no issues following any guidelines laid out for children from interfaith marriages.

Ultimately, we want our children to have good values and be good people. I honestly do not care which of the two religions they end up choosing, as long as they believe that there is a God, and He has created us, the heavens, and this universe. I want faith to play a role in their lives - not fully dictate how they live, but to be used as a guide to be better people.

 

[Matthew G]

Welcome to CF.net

I say this because there are certain aspects of Islam that I am not comfortable following.

This is indeed a difficult situation, but one that needs to be resolved. Per your statement which I quoted, please allow me to ask you a question.

Would you consider becoming a Christian?

I ask because, as you said, you don't want Linda to convert for you, and because you said there are certain aspects you're not comfortable with. Just to clarify, I am not suggesting you consider it for her. In my honest opinion, changing your religion (no matter what it is) for the sake of a romantic relationship is just stupid.

However, per your own words you said neither of you find your faith's very important (in general). But you also said this -

Ultimately, we want our children to have good values and be good people. I honestly do not care which of the two religions they end up choosing, as long as they believe that there is a God, and He has created us, the heavens, and this universe. I want faith to play a role in their lives

I can tell you from experience (both my parents come from interfaith homes - both sides being basically Christian, but vastly different denominations and practices) that if you are not of the same faith, and your children grow up with what will frankly be mixed signals from their mother and father about religious faith, chances are they will just throw up their hands and walk away from it because that is the easier path.

I'm not saying that's right, but it can and does happen that way.

I will readily admit that I'm almost completely ignorant of the teachings of the Qu'ran, but our Bible teaches that men are to be the leaders of their homes - which includes spiritual matters - and I assume Islam teaches something similar, if not identical.

If I can be frank - it's difficult to lead your wife if you don't want her walking the same direction you are (such as you not wanting her to convert for you).

I'm not sure where this quote is from, but I once heard it said that "A man who thinks he leads, but has no one following him, is merely taking a walk".

From your words, I think you want to lead your wife (when she is your wife), not take a walk by yourself.

Just some food for thought, I would encourage you to take a few moments to check out this article from the New York Times website

Ultimately, no one can tell you what to do, but I think your situation is something that - regardless of what you decide - should be given a hefty amount of time to consider. Muslim, Catholic, or other - devout, casual or once-in-a-blue-moon following - this is still a marriage you're talking about, and believe me, it is infinitely worth trying to get it right.

 

[Brother Mike]

Has anyone else been in this situation? I know I have time before this decides to snowball into a disaster

It seems you love your wife, taking time to come to a Christian forum to get some answers. Without Jesus though, it all ends in disaster. Why not hang out here, ask questions, find out why we Love the Lord, and He loves us.


Mike.

 

[Farhan]

Would you consider becoming a Christian?

I ask because, as you said, you don't want Linda to convert for you, and because you said there are certain aspects you're not comfortable with. Just to clarify, I am not suggesting you consider it for her. In my honest opinion, changing your religion (no matter what it is) for the sake of a romantic relationship is just stupid.

Respectfully speaking, no. I am a Muslim by choice - I mean, as an adult, I could have converted to Christianity (or any other religion), but I feel that Islam is the right religion for me. I won't lie to you, though - the thought of switching has crossed my mind a few times. Bottomline is, I really do not want religion to define who I am.

if you are not of the same faith, and your children grow up with what will frankly be mixed signals from their mother and father about religious faith, chances are they will just throw up their hands and walk away from it because that is the easier path.

You're absolutely right. The chances of that happening with Linda and me are quite high, but it is something we will have to deal with when the time comes. I suppose it's too early to make an assessment, but I will surely keep that in mind when I talk to Linda about this.

I will readily admit that I'm almost completely ignorant of the teachings of the Qu'ran, but our Bible teaches that men are to be the leaders of their homes - which includes spiritual matters - and I assume Islam teaches something similar, if not identical.

If I can be frank - it's difficult to lead your wife if you don't want her walking the same direction you are (such as you not wanting her to convert for you).

Correct. Islam teaches us the same values, but does it always happen in this day and age? Speaking from experience, the leader in my family has always been my mother simply because she was better educated than my father.

No, I do not want Linda to convert because I fear that would change her as a person. I fell in love with her because she is who she is, not what my religion prefers her to be. Furthermore, would my religion be right for her? If she decides to convert to Islam on her own free will, from a religious standpoint, she would not be entitled to certain rights that non-Muslim women have. I don't want that for her.

Ultimately, no one can tell you what to do, but I think your situation is something that - regardless of what you decide - should be given a hefty amount of time to consider. Muslim, Catholic, or other - devout, casual or once-in-a-blue-moon following - this is still a marriage you're talking about, and believe me, it is infinitely worth trying to get it right.

Absolutely. Marriage is something that needs to be given a lot of thought, and Linda and I have our entire lives ahead of us. She has two years of college remaining, so that gives both of us time to think this over as much as possible. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.

 

[Matthew G]

Absolutely. Marriage is something that needs to be given a lot of thought, and Linda and I have our entire lives ahead of us. She has two years of college remaining, so that gives both of us time to think this over as much as possible. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me.

It's my pleasure. I only wish I could help more. On the bright side, you seem to be taking your future marriage very seriously, which is sadly a quality that seems to be disappearing nowadays. I sincerely hope it works out the way you want.

Originally Posted by Matthew G
Would you consider becoming a Christian?

I ask because, as you said, you don't want Linda to convert for you, and because you said there are certain aspects you're not comfortable with. Just to clarify, I am not suggesting you consider it for her. In my honest opinion, changing your religion (no matter what it is) for the sake of a romantic relationship is just stupid.
Respectfully speaking, no. I am a Muslim by choice - I mean, as an adult, I could have converted to Christianity (or any other religion), but I feel that Islam is the right religion for me. I won't lie to you, though - the thought of switching has crossed my mind a few times. Bottomline is, I really do not want religion to define who I am.

To be totally honest (which if you stick around the forums some you'll see I do a lot! ;)) that last sentence (the one I bolded) makes me feel like I am unequipped to offer any real help.

Respectfully, what you are essentially asking for is secular advice - or at least advice that's not heavy on Christian influence - and frankly to offer advice like that goes against who I am and what I believe, and I simply cannot do that. Granted, I believe you already have a healthy respect for the weight a marriage carries, and I commend that (it's another sad rarity), but it's impossible for me to give advice - especially concerning marriage - that is not backed by, and stands firmly on, Biblical teaching.

I sincerely hope it goes well for you, and will pray for both you and your fiance', but I hope you understand why I won't be much help, and that you know no offense is meant.

 

[Farhan]

It's my pleasure. I only wish I could help more. On the bright side, you seem to be taking your future marriage very seriously, which is sadly a quality that seems to be disappearing nowadays. I sincerely hope it works out the way you want.

Thank you for your kind words. :D

To be totally honest (which if you stick around the forums some you'll see I do a lot! ) that last sentence (the one I bolded) makes me feel like I am unequipped to offer any real help.

Respectfully, what you are essentially asking for is secular advice - or at least advice that's not heavy on Christian influence - and frankly to offer advice like that goes against who I am and what I believe, and I simply cannot do that. Granted, I believe you already have a healthy respect for the weight a marriage carries, and I commend that (it's another sad rarity), but it's impossible for me to give advice - especially concerning marriage - that is not backed by, and stands firmly on, Biblical teaching.

I sincerely hope it goes well for you, and will pray for both you and your fiance', but I hope you understand why I won't be much help, and that you know no offense is meant.

None taken, and no, I really do appreciate your help. You made some valid points that have led me to think about this even more. Please do not think I won't take your advice into consideration.

 

[Matthew G]

None taken, and no, I really do appreciate your help. You made some valid points that have led me to think about this even more. Please do not think I won't take your advice into consideration.

You are very welcome, and I am glad there was no offense taken, and that you understand my position. But as you said, there are still two years to work out a solution. That's a long time to get something right, and your heart I think is in the right place. ;)

 

[bhayes]

Hi Farhan. I wish you all the best my friend!
I wish I could offer you advice but I am still in school as well and younger than you so I don't think I can be much help. But just as a thought why don't you teach them both, and let the kids decide for themselves?