Empty heart
Member
I've been battling a gambling addiction for 20+ years. The past few days I have lost over £80000 which is by far my biggest loss and that money has come from my family business. My wife left me with our 2 daughters 11 years ago and now it looks like I'll be losing the rest of my family too. They will never forgive me for spending this money.
I won't be able to pay our staff next week and I'm beside myself with worry. I feel like I'm about to have a heart attack as I'm now at the bottom of a very very deep and dark place. I have even thought about suicide this weekend.
I'm ashamed even asking for prayers here but I still believe that in spite of the lying and stealing that goes with being a gambler that I am a good person underneath it all. For years my heart has been empty. I only feel shame when I should feel love. I feel emptiness when it should be pride.
At times it's hard for me to have faith in God. I keep asking why I have been given this affliction...why my life has been wasted? Am I really that stupid that I have chosen to ruin my life....or has God forsaken me? I don't understand how this has happened and why? Until I was about 17 I had a lot of promise. My gambling started at University and dropping out of that because of gambling and money problems was the beginning of a 25 year nightmare that has just got worse.
I have never stopped praying for myself but my prayers never seem to get answered.I pray almost daily for help with my addiction. I know I have brought this all upon myself but what was always sort of manageable has just taken a whole different direction. About 12 people will seriously suffer because of me at the end of this week and I don't know if I can cope with the guilt.
Please please pray for me and forgive me.
I won't be able to pay our staff next week and I'm beside myself with worry. I feel like I'm about to have a heart attack as I'm now at the bottom of a very very deep and dark place. I have even thought about suicide this weekend.
I'm ashamed even asking for prayers here but I still believe that in spite of the lying and stealing that goes with being a gambler that I am a good person underneath it all. For years my heart has been empty. I only feel shame when I should feel love. I feel emptiness when it should be pride.
At times it's hard for me to have faith in God. I keep asking why I have been given this affliction...why my life has been wasted? Am I really that stupid that I have chosen to ruin my life....or has God forsaken me? I don't understand how this has happened and why? Until I was about 17 I had a lot of promise. My gambling started at University and dropping out of that because of gambling and money problems was the beginning of a 25 year nightmare that has just got worse.
I have never stopped praying for myself but my prayers never seem to get answered.I pray almost daily for help with my addiction. I know I have brought this all upon myself but what was always sort of manageable has just taken a whole different direction. About 12 people will seriously suffer because of me at the end of this week and I don't know if I can cope with the guilt.
Please please pray for me and forgive me.