Interracial Relationship and Parents

[JBarber]

I just finished my freshman year of college, and I spent the last few months in an interracial relationship. I’m white, and the girl is black. I was afraid my parents would be opposed to me dating outside of my race (only because I knew my grandparents on both sides are opposed to interracial dating/marriage), so I didn’t tell them…until recently, when I asked if I could drive to Dallas to go to a concert with a girl. My mom has Facebook and had apparently seen pictures of us and stuff, and when I told her we have been seeing each other for a few months, she got visibly upset. Eventually, she told me I had her love and support, but she’s said a few things recently that make me wonder whether or not she meant it.

She told me that when I went off to college, she had the “highest hopes†for me. I asked her if my decision to date a black girl had somehow lowered the bar, and all she said was, “…Well…kinda.†She talks about how people are going to judge me and treat me differently (and said it would probably be hard for me to find a job), but I think that is carryover from her experiences with her generation. My generation is more accepting and tolerant of interracial relationships, but she can’t seem to understand that. If anything, the results of the recent presidential election (where a man whose mother was white and whose father was African was elected president) should show that race doesn’t make as much of a difference in my generation and today’s society.

She also said, “I wouldn’t have been surprised if the girl had been Hispanic or Asian. I actually thought you might be interested in Helena [a friend of mine from Paraguay].†So, she doesn’t have a problem with me dating outside of my race completely… just black girls. I think she’s just concerned about how people look at black/white relationships. For some reason, they are more taboo than others.

She also never really gave me permission to drive to Dallas, and when I asked her again earlier, she said, “I’ll probably let you go. I just don’t want to encourage anything… Do you know what I mean?†That hurts, because she knows how much I like this girl. I want her support so badly.

And finally, she said, “I can’t promise anything, but I will do my best to love and accept her.â€

I know I’m blessed to have parents who are willing to try to work with me and support me, and I’m thankful that they’re trying. I’m just wondering if anyone has any advice.

 

[Guest]

I’m just wondering if anyone has any advice.

Tell your mom she's pregnant. Wait a few seconds. Then laugh and say you're kidding.

Seriously, give it time. If your parents seem willing, they will probably overcome their apprehensive tendencies.

 

[JoJo]

I completely understand everything you are saying!!

It took a while for my mom to come around. Actually, it took the birth of my first child (all four of my children are black/white) to get my mom to see that blacks and whites can mix without causing the world to crumble. My maternal grandmother, however, never truly accepted my decision or my children. I think my mom was more worried with what her own parents would think than anything else. But once she fell in love with that beautiful first baby, it was all good.

My advice for you? Hang in there and go with your heart. Don't let anyone tell you that dating outside of your race is wrong or unbiblical. Don't let anyone tell you that any one race is better than another. Stick to your principles! :yes

 

[zer0das]

I wouldn't worry too terribly much about what society thinks. What God thinks is more important. When he demanded that the Israelites not marry foreigners, it had less to do with their race and more to do with the fact that their religion would lead the Israelites astray. As long as your hearts are both with God, it should be fine.

 

[striving]

Not that I would call myself a ladies man... Nah.

Of my few relationships, only one was the same race as me (white). I have found that my interracial relationships were much more loving and intellectually/emotionally fulfilling.

Hang in there!!!!!!! I know you want your mom to desperately like the girl! Think of it this way... I'm the oldest in my family. So the reason my mom has a hard time with it is "her little boy is growing up". Perhaps its not the race, rather your mother feels like she's losing you?

 

[savvykate]

My parents are kind of the same way, but not with dating since I'm not dating yet, just with friends. My freshman year in hs I had a really great friend, Linda. She was Congolese and here studying also living with a host family. Her culture was very interesting to me and I also learned a lot of French from her, she actually prompted me into studying French with I now love But my parents were very apprehensive. They felt that even though she was a Christian her traditions would be different. They also believed that African cultures encouraged promiscuous sexuality. It was just that they didn't understand. Once they got to know her as a person not a stereotype they were fine, it was just gossip and stereotypes they had heard that messed them up. Maybe once your parents get used to seeing this girl around and talk with her, they will relax. Just keep praying that they will be open-minded and not perpetuate the concerns they have, such as by being unaccepting.

 

[jasoncran]

my wife is part indian(seminole) and i have no problem with the idea of interaccial datings, and if the person is ok then the race doesn't matter, people are people not matter what color

jason

 

[paisley]

I think you are right it is a carry over from your mother`s generation. It doesn`t sound like your parents are going to disown you over this so give them time to work out their feelings. It sounds like you have parents that love and care for you so they will do their best to accept your choice. I would just take things slowly. If you see the relationship with this girl is getting serious and may lead to marriage then naturally you would want to talk with your parents more to let them express their concerns and it would give you a chance to put their minds at ease. When things are serious it would also be good to open up opportunities for both your girlfriend and parents to get to know each other. However, even though I`m not a parent of dating age children yet, I do think it is natural especially for mothers to be worriers so even if you were dating a white girl, there is the possibility that your mother could find something in that girl to worry about too. So part of it is generational and part of it is just a mother finding something to worry about. My grandmother worried about my cousin`s finance being too short!!! I live in Japan and a friend worried about her daughter marrying a first son (I would worry about that too!). I know another mother who worried about her daughter being involved with a man whose company was not doing well so she got her husband to tell the man he had to find another job if he was going to continue a relationship with their daughter. Parents just can find the smallest things to worry about and blow them up sometimes. Be patient with your parents. I`m sure they are well meaning. If they look around though, they will see times have changed. I can`t imagine in company these days not hiring someone due to an interracial marriage. That I can`t even imagine but for a different generation it is easy to imagine.

 

[Fembot]

Good for you Jojo. Love is stronger than hate.

I voted yes. A while back and thought I responded, as well.
It's gonna be difficult if your mother has been misinformed and is now prejudice. I have dealt with the same issues but on the girl's side. Two of my exes mothers proposed that I would have children at a young age (teens) and those interracial children would have problems in society. Now we all know that is about the most ignorant thing to propose based on someone's race alone. Society still has a strong hold on the roles it places people in. I get the old white ladies grabbing their purses as I walk by (like seriously ) and people who are convinced I listen to hip hop and can only speak broken english (because all black people speak the same way right? ) but if I were to say something about it then I'm the angry black woman.

My point is there are still stereotypes. Fortunately, what seems like a universal way of life, it's much different in many countries in europe and states like NY. The problem arises when you live or are surrounded by ignorant people who think mixing interracially means death to one race. It's far from the truth. Love is more important and stronger than fear. Fear of the loss of money or the loss of respect from racists in society is what drives most people that are afraid of interracial relationships. Then their is the false sense of superiority. Someone has to be below you in order for you to feel good about yourself. That is the motto of people who believe we are not created equal.

If you're gonna follow through with your desires for a happy, successful life, it's important to remember that God will not punish you for what you know is right in His eyes. Yes, we have to obey our parents. God is first and He would agree-we are to love one another. Because once you begin to forsake your desires of the heart for some man made rule you're going to open the door for other false beliefs to enter your life. Negative thoughts of yours and others will affect your relationships. So paying attention to cause and effect will help you immensely. Read between the lines when a racist says something but really means something else. Because it's not always that blatant. If you are following God's laws and someone makes you happy-do give them a chance to show you who they are. Hope fully that person will be walking with God, as well. Don't let the entertainment industry, society, or someone's own fears dictate how you live your life.

 

[GojuBrian]

I dated a black girl for a while and she had a child already. I live in the south and only had a few people who had a 'problem' with it, none of them were my friends, but a couple of my older generation family sadly. Some people are just ignorant, don't let them interfere with what you know is right no matter who they are.

 

[AskTheA]

My more serious girlfriend have all been my race, mostly due to geography rather than preference. I see no problem with different races dating or anything like that. I think there is some biblical reason why you should'nt? I'm not too sure. Moses did, right?

 

[JoJo]

I see no problem with different races dating or anything like that. I think there is some biblical reason why you should'nt? I'm not too sure. Moses did, right?

There is no biblical reason not to marry someone of a different race. The misconception comes from the fact that God forbade His followers to marry those who followed other gods. And many people consider "Jewish" an ethnic race; for a Jew to date or marry outside of the Jewish faith is considered bad, even by many unorthodox Jews (and even those who are atheist but consider themselves Jews by birth). Personally, I don't believe "Jewish" is a race; the Bible teaches that we all come from Adam, so ethnically speaking, we are all one race: human.

 

[jasoncran]

I see no problem with different races dating or anything like that. I think there is some biblical reason why you should'nt? I'm not too sure. Moses did, right?

There is no biblical reason not to marry someone of a different race. The misconception comes from the fact that God forbade His followers to marry those who followed other gods. And many people consider "Jewish" an ethnic race; for a Jew to date or marry outside of the Jewish faith is considered bad, even by many unorthodox Jews (and even those who are atheist but consider themselves Jews by birth). Personally, I don't believe "Jewish" is a race; the Bible teaches that we all come from Adam, so ethnically speaking, we are all one race: human.

the jews are race with similiar origins to the arabs,(ishmeal)though i'm not sure what anthropology says on that, the babylonian (ur of chaldea) chaldean is another name for the babyolians.
the greek culture and the hebrew culture as have things in common, weddings rituals and the language.
i'm not getting in to the dead cultures ie phoneica,the philistines and the former is also where attila comes from,(carthage). that was a colony of phoniecia. the jews aren't the only semite poeple to be around.

in orthodox the mother must be hebrew in order for the child to be considered hebrew, i'm not in that sense as my mom is gentile and my father a jew.

 

[JoJo]

Before Abraham, before Isaac, before Jacob and Esau, before the twelve tribes, there was Adam and Eve. They were the beginning of the human race. Some people don't even believe in ethnic race at all. We have people with black skin, white skin, Christian beliefs, Muslim beliefs, Jewish beliefs, etc. But are they each a separate race of species, or are they just groups of people with varying skin colors, traditions, cultures, beliefs and religions?

 

[jasoncran]

Before Abraham, before Isaac, before Jacob and Esau, before the twelve tribes, there was Adam and Eve. They were the beginning of the human race. Some people don't even believe in ethnic race at all. We have people with black skin, white skin, Christian beliefs, Muslim beliefs, Jewish beliefs, etc. But are they each a separate race of species, or are they just groups of people with varying skin colors, traditions, cultures, beliefs and religions?

i know that, but if you look up languages and customs you will find that arabs,jews,greeks and the modern day assyro-chaldean have a common root language.

i have a fascination with languages, heres an example of what i mean

arabic for angel : malak
hebrew: malach
arabic for wise man: hakim
hebrew for wise man: hakoom

hebrew for peace: shalom
arabic for peace:salaam

the greek alphabet and the old and modern hebrew are close. that's why hebrew and greek are easily translated to and from, no to mention the conquest of alexander the great.

the ot was translated into greek before the arrival of christ, oops i forgot aramaic the lanuguage of ambassdors, which much of the book of daniel was written in.

 

[JoJo]

Interesting, the similarities!

 

[AskTheA]

Check out the Lingustics work of Noam Chomsky.

 

[Silversmok3]

Ive been blessed to never experience this firsthand.
However, it is my experience that if a parent doesn't like their kids' choice in spouse,they'll find a reason. In this case its a prejudiced way of thinking.Its not something that the OP can blame his mom for-she was raised in a society that instilled those corrupt values, and is trying to work past that. Otherwise why would she make the effort to say that she supported you?

When I was dating one of my exes in High School, she was raised by her single mom.I was a black man going to college for engineering , from a family with a minister as my father. Gf's mom still didnt like me, though I sure deprived her of reasons to justify her feelings....

Just hang in there, OP. With time your mom's attitude will change.