Intimacy problem with newlyweds

[newlywedwife]

Hello.
I found this forum and thought I would post here my question regarding my problem. My husband and I have been married for 1 year and 4 months now, I would still consider as newlyweds. We are both Christians and we both waited until our wedding night to be together for the first time, even though my husband had had sex relationships with other girlfriends.
We often say we love each other, we argue sometimes but only for regular reasons and it is not really often, but we have problem regarding sex.
I dont think we have enough intimacy. We waited until our wedding night to be together, and now that we are married we dont have sex. I am shy and I wonder if my husband compares me to his ex girlfriends, and I even asked him before that, and he said no, that he never even had any thought like that.
I have told him before that I feel like he is not interested in me in that way, and he says he feels the same about me. But we love each other, how is that possible?
He confessed me when we were still dating that he had problems with online pornography and I wonder if he is still has this problem, even though I have asked recently and he said he had stop when he confessed to me years ago.
I dont know what to do. I worry that my husband will look for this in another woman, and certainly I dont want that. We are both Christian, we pray together often but I really dont know what to do, and even though we had talked that we have problem (he said it is awkward to take the first step to have sex with me), we are not doing anything to fix it.
Can you please help me with your opinions and advice? Do you think there is something wrong with my husband? Thank you. God bless you all.

 

[Knotical]

This is quite a lot of baggage to come into a marriage and something that should have been explored during pre-marriage/engagement counseling. The good thing is nothing is impossible when God is concerned and if you both put Him at the center of your marriage you will be able to overcome anything.

That being said, it is quite possible your husband could be holding on to some of the things from his past and needs to work through them in order to remove them as problems from your marriage. My suggestion is to seek out counseling from your pastor or an elder of your church, or at least get advice on who you can talk to from them.

 

[newlywedwife]

I forgot to add the information that we rarely have sex, the average is 1 time in a month, sometimes 1 time in two months.

 

[handy]

Would you mind clarifying a couple of things? First of all, are the two of you having no sex at all? Or just rarely (once a month or less)?
Also, how old are each of you? Is it possible that there could be a physiological reason for the lack of interest on his part?

 

[iLOVE]

Blessings,

The issue is not your fault or your husbands fault with intimacy. It is the devil fault. He comes to kill, steal, and destroy. Prayer changes things. It's the christian secret weapon. One of the best verses in the bible is when Lord Jesus stated in Matthew 11:28, <SUP class=versenum> </SUP>“Come to me,<SUP class=crossreference value='(A)'></SUP> all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Do not use self-effort or you will fail. There are good ideas many will give you, and there are Godly ideas. You chose.

 

[President]

Hi,

I'm sorry to hear you two are struggling with this.

You said that you are shy. But if you want this part of your marriage to improve, you may have to give your husband more feedback. Have you tried initiating sex with him, or are you just wishing he would take the lead in doing that more often? If you are initiating and he is rejecting your advances, that's a bit more difficult. If you are just waiting for him, why don't you try flirting and initiating more? If you want him to pursue you, have a talk with him about it. If you are skillful at this, you can talk about this in a way that doesn't lead to an argument. You can be sort of 'sexy' about it if you want to. (He is your husband after all.) You can tell him how hot he is, and how you would love it if he would pursue you sexually, how you'd like him to take the lead in making sure he makes love to you x times per week. Get him to agree to it, then tell him you will be waiting for him the next night.

There are also plenty of stories online, sermons even where someone mentions the idea of making love every night for a week, for a year, or whatever. You could make a game of it like you are seeing if the other one will back out. Maybe he'd be up for an every night of the week challenge, and when it's over, you can get some feedback and talk about upping the frequency.

Flirting is also good. You don't have to be dirty about it, just some comments about what a good time you are going to give him when he comes home from work, a text. It can be subtle. Combine it with some physical affection.

If he responds to you initiating, you might want to be pursued, but initiate for a while and let him get used to the frequency if that works well. Then you could have a talk with him about wanting him to chase you around instead of the other way around.

I hope your husband did let go of the porn addiction back when he said he did. If he hasn't given you reason to doubt him, you shouldn't be too suspicious. Some men watch porn and masturbate and don't sleep with their wives as much as they should. It's pretty idiotic, but it's a kind of addiction for some men. I'm not saying that your husband is doing that. But if you ask about it, or if you have reason to suspect, you can pray with him about the issue, and let him know you expect him to pour all of his sexual energies into you, that you welcome it, and if he gets any urges to fall into porn or impure thoughts, he can come to you right away for help. Hopefully, he has put that past him. If he doesn't want the same frequency as you do, that doesn't necessarily mean he's got some sort of sin problem. He may not know what you desire.

Some good passages of scripture to read are Proverbs 5, about a man's sexual passion for his wife, I Corinthians 7, and the Song of Solomon. You might suggest reading some of those passages with him and ask him to share with you what he thinks about them. The Bible tells wives to ask their husbands at home. If you ask him questions, he may study, learn more, and share some answers with you.

 

[newlywedwife]

Thank you for your comments, everyone. I know that sex after a while will slow down, at least that is what I heard from others. But with us it had never been something that happened often, and in mind I thought that as newlyweds especially that we waited until we get married to be close I thought it would be different.

Handy,
Thank you for your reply. I am 25 and he is 30. We had never really had alot of sex, it usually happens 1 in like a month or two.

iLove,
Thank you for your reply. You are right, this is supposed to be blessing to us, since we both wanted to do what we were taught. We waited until our wedding night, and that sounded as joke to many of my friends. Since today is so common to have sex relationships before getting married.

President,
Thank you very much for your reply. You are right, I should take the first step. I usually wait on him because in my mind I think that if he is not saying anything is because he doesnt want to be closer to me. One time we talked about it, and he said he doesnt get close to me because I dont do it to him. I guess I thought that he would be the one going after me, I dont know. I think I dont feel secure enough .
Even though he has promised me he had stopped with looking at pornography, I still worry because even though he says he loves me he doesnt seem to care alot about this problem we have. I have told him we should get help, or read a book, because I worry he will look for that in somebody else. These days marriages are being a huge target to get destroyed.
I will read the Bible passages you suggested me, and will try to make him interested in doing it too. Thank you for your time and comment.

 

[handy]

It sounds as if you are both a bit shy, and also that your husband has a somewhat lower libido than the average guy.

You've been given some good advice so far, and for a while, don't feel bad if the flirting and initiating is up to you... it seems as though your husband needs the positive feedback. You are now his helpmeet, and this is an area in which you can help him.

One of the more destructive things about porn is that it sets up unrealistic expectations regarding sex. Now that he's married, he's probably got a lot of really conflicting images about what you should like, what you should do, etc. etc. You'll have to very lovingly help him understand your needs and desires as a real life woman, rather than fantasies that pron promotes. It will also probably be important that you give him plenty of feedback regarding your enjoyment etc... porn tends to really exaggerate women's actions and reactions, so if you tend to be quiet, he might feel as if he's not satisfying you.

After a while, when sex is more comfortable, you'll also probably need to address the fact that you really need him to initiate sex as well. Initiation should never be one-sided, if it becomes one-sided, then it's too easy for the feelings of insecurity (which you are already experiencing) to develop into a deeper problem.

It sounds as if the two of you very much love each other, so I think that you'll be able to overcome this. It will just take a lot of communication along with the prayer and even bible study.

One passage that President mentioned, 1 Corinthians 7, speaks to the issue that sex between husbands and wives must aim for the mutual satisfaction of both partners...it's never a good idea to be one sided. You can discuss 1 Corinthians 7:4 with him and let him know that your needs are valid and biblical.

If after about six months or so of openly communicating your desires, initiating sex, flirting, etc...if there is still not enough sex to satisfy your desires, or if you are still feeling insecure, then I would suggest seeking some professional counseling, or at the very least have him check with his physician about why his libido is so low.

One thing I liked about iLOVE's post is that this isn't about blame or fault. It's about recognizing that this is just as much a threat to your marriage's spiritual and mental health as it is to it's physical health. I have much hope that with some loving communication, you'll be able to resolve this.

 

[By Grace]

Thank you for your comments, everyone. I know that sex after a while will slow down, at least that is what I heard from others. But with us it had never been something that happened often, and in mind I thought that as newlyweds especially that we waited until we get married to be close I thought it would be different.
< SNIP >
I will read the Bible passages you suggested me, and will try to make him interested in doing it too. Thank you for your time and comment.

I do not believe that intimacy is the real issue in your marriage because it is most often a symptom of something else. For example if there is a pressing problem such as finances, it dominates everything in marriage, and the marriage bed is the first area it shows up.

My guess is that there are things that your husband fears, and he may not be willing enough to tell you. Something dominates him, and your pestering him to reveal it (nagging in his ears) will drive him to cover up more, and withdraw. His behavior may be a way to protect you from what seems to be nagging him. Marriage is the hardest job you will ever have, and it is a 100%/100% giving proposition. Anything less than that ratio is a reciepe for disaster.

How to change hubby? You can't, so do not try to. Holy Spirit is the only One who can change anybody, so you have to let Him do His job His way and at His time. But that does not mean that you do nothing. First, you pray for him. Then you begin to instigate devotions several times a week, then get to having them daily. As hubby grows in Christ through this, and you grow together, Holy Spirit will convict him to take over the devotions, and you will be happy to relinquish that role to submit to his leadership, won't you?.

One book of the Bible that you may want to read together is Song of Solomon. It is an explicitly sensual depiction of the act of marriage, and it is a metaphor for the relationship between us, the bride of Christ, and Christ, the Lover who first loved us 1 John 4:19.

I also recommend that you look on line here or HERE or HERE to find a good CHRISTIAN book on intimacy. they are all Christian based, and some can be downloaded on ebooks.

Hope that this fits your need

 

[Mountainshield]

I dont know if the online pornography is that much of a factor since he has had sex with girlfriends before.

I would advice you to start using more clothing for intimacy that is not vulgar but sexy, to get him more fired up. Men respond best to visual sex appeal. Don't make the sex such a big deal, don't stress about it, start with very good foreplay, kissing massaging, caressing. Always try telling your husband he looks like a stud (even if its not always true), and make him tell you that you look beautifull more often, that you like and appreciate hearing it. Tell your husband that he can do whatever he wants with you, tell him what you want experience, and question him if he wants you to do something special.

And use some moments during the day to build up sexual tensions through flirting.

These are just the things that works for my marriage. I try everyday make my wife feel beautifull and I feel more of man when she shows me that she wants sex.

 

[felix]

Hello.
I found this forum and thought I would post here my question regarding my problem. My husband and I have been married for 1 year and 4 months now, I would still consider as newlyweds. We are both Christians and we both waited until our wedding night to be together for the first time, even though my husband had had sex relationships with other girlfriends.
We often say we love each other, we argue sometimes but only for regular reasons and it is not really often, but we have problem regarding sex.
I dont think we have enough intimacy. We waited until our wedding night to be together, and now that we are married we dont have sex. I am shy and I wonder if my husband compares me to his ex girlfriends, and I even asked him before that, and he said no, that he never even had any thought like that.
I have told him before that I feel like he is not interested in me in that way, and he says he feels the same about me. But we love each other, how is that possible?
He confessed me when we were still dating that he had problems with online pornography and I wonder if he is still has this problem, even though I have asked recently and he said he had stop when he confessed to me years ago.
I dont know what to do. I worry that my husband will look for this in another woman, and certainly I dont want that. We are both Christian, we pray together often but I really dont know what to do, and even though we had talked that we have problem (he said it is awkward to take the first step to have sex with me), we are not doing anything to fix it.
Can you please help me with your opinions and advice? Do you think there is something wrong with my husband? Thank you. God bless you all.

There are several factors that remove interest in sex. Is he facing any problems like financial, other work issues like stress, debt or trouble from friends, relatives?
Sometimes, he might naturally have a lower testosterone level which lowers the natural interest in sex.

 

[Kaileymarie]

Hello.
I found this forum and thought I would post here my question regarding my problem. My husband and I have been married for 1 year and 4 months now, I would still consider as newlyweds. We are both Christians and we both waited until our wedding night to be together for the first time, even though my husband had had sex relationships with other girlfriends.
We often say we love each other, we argue sometimes but only for regular reasons and it is not really often, but we have problem regarding sex.
I dont think we have enough intimacy. We waited until our wedding night to be together, and now that we are married we dont have sex. I am shy and I wonder if my husband compares me to his ex girlfriends, and I even asked him before that, and he said no, that he never even had any thought like that.
I have told him before that I feel like he is not interested in me in that way, and he says he feels the same about me. But we love each other, how is that possible?
He confessed me when we were still dating that he had problems with online pornography and I wonder if he is still has this problem, even though I have asked recently and he said he had stop when he confessed to me years ago.
I dont know what to do. I worry that my husband will look for this in another woman, and certainly I dont want that. We are both Christian, we pray together often but I really dont know what to do, and even though we had talked that we have problem (he said it is awkward to take the first step to have sex with me), we are not doing anything to fix it.
Can you please help me with your opinions and advice? Do you think there is something wrong with my husband? Thank you. God bless you all.

Hello! First off let me start by saying I'm 26 and I've been married to my husband for 3 years. We didn't wait until marriage to have sex and we both have had multiple partners. I wish SO BADLY that we had both been each other's firsts. I know exactly how you feel when you say you are worried about him comparing you to his exes. This is part of the reason we are supposed to wait for marriage. After 8 years I am still struggling with this exact problem.

Confidence is key here. You really need to do whatever you have to do to feel attractive. I cant think of a single reason a man would marry a woman he isn't attracted to. And remember.. You're married, and he isn't going to be with anyone else ever again. Any little bit of improvement is going to be exciting for him at this point and this is meant to continue for decades! I know initiating it is awkward. Thats why I drink a couple glasses of wine a couple nights a week hey, it works!

Feel free to send me a message as we are in the same boat!

 

[By Grace]

Hello! First off let me start by saying I'm 26 and I've been married to my husband for 3 years. We didn't wait until marriage to have sex and we both have had multiple partners. I wish SO BADLY that we had both been each other's firsts. I know exactly how you feel when you say you are worried about him comparing you to his exes. This is part of the reason we are supposed to wait for marriage. After 8 years I am still struggling with this exact problem.

Confidence is key here. You really need to do whatever you have to do to feel attractive. I cant think of a single reason a man would marry a woman he isn't attracted to. And remember.. You're married, and he isn't going to be with anyone else ever again. Any little bit of improvement is going to be exciting for him at this point and this is meant to continue for decades! I know initiating it is awkward. Thats why I drink a couple glasses of wine a couple nights a week hey, it works!

Feel free to send me a message as we are in the same boat!

Please click to read my entire post. I think it may help you.

I do not believe that intimacy is the real issue in your marriage because it is most often a symptom of something else. For example if there is a pressing problem such as finances, it dominates everything in marriage, and the marriage bed is the first area it shows up.

Since you first cohabited with your husband, want to commend you both for getting married. Half those cohabitating do not get married, and about half of those who get married divorce. Therefore, the odds are against you. That is the truth, not a condemnation. It is GREAT that you post here because you can get Christians who love Jesus and you to get solid answers. However, we can not get to the issues that you have without acknowledging the truth.

first the good news. As a Christian, and a believer in Jesus Christ, your past is completely forgiven; it does not matter to God any more if indeed you have confessed your sins, and sought His forgiveness. Therefore, I believe that is a NECESSARY thing to do if you are going to move further in your Christian live, and if you and hubby are going to grow closer to each other. If you have not done so, do it. Perhaps your pastor's wife can help you herself, or she may refer you to a godly woman in the church. If there is anything like Agape Prayer Fellowship in your church, or a nearby church--look at Bible-believing Mennonite churches in your area.

Now for some stuff from my intuition.

As a senior in high school, (age 18, perhaps younger according to your chronology) you first became sexually active. And since you state you had multiple partners, I come to the belief that this may have involved partying, and drug usage; in other words rebellion of some sorts. The remorse you feel can be good or bad, as you allow God to use it, or not, but the underlying issues that led you to your poor choices, and logical consequences of those choices also need to be addressed.

Forgetting the past cannot be an option with the Christian, especially in the sexual area. That is due to the "one flesh" concept that Scripture uses to describe the act of marriage. As a married couple, you truely become one flesh; this helps you to grow. HOWEVER, since you both have had multiple sex partners, you each have become one flesh with EACH of those others, and to bring all those one flesh experiences together in a marriage becomes a nightmare of unnecessary conflicts. In a spiritual sense, you each bring all those others into your marital bed. Therefore, you can understand how crowded the marriage bed can become, and why so many marriages fail after an adulterous experience. That is why the answer is not simply "trusting the other" but instead it is "trusting solely in Jesus to cure the issues behind the multiple partners, aka promiscuity.

You may not like that word, but it is the correct word, and understanding God's view of what you both have done can be beneficial if you are to grow as a Christian. That is because it is impossible to be deeply and genuinely saved until one realizes how deeply degenerate one's past behavior is in the face of a just, righteous and holy God. Really, that is GREAT news, not a condemnation. How can I who had my own problems with running away from God condemn another who did likewise? What I can do is emphasize the unconditional love of Jesus Christ, and has saved me by grace (hence my screen name) hoping that others can see where I have been, and where God has placed me now.

It is NOT Pollyanna to state that God has a wonderful plan for your life; it is true, and backed up by Scripture Jeremiah 29: 11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. I serve a loving and merciful God. I seek to tell others of that, but I also tell people of the justice of God. that justice needed to have Jesus relinquish His life during his torturous execution called crucifixion as a penalty severe enough to spare those who believe in Him as their only means of salvation from experiencing a greater torture after death.

We can continue this later, if you like

Shalon

 

[stovebolts]

Has anyone thought that maybe the guy has a low testosterone count? Get the guy a bottle of viagra and see if that doesn't help...

 

[farouk]

I would rate true marital affection far higher that artificial stimulation, actually.

 

[stovebolts]

Farouk,
If your response was directed at my last post, then I'll say that If a man's testosterone levels are low, his sexual desire will be reduced. He may occasionally have the thoughts, but if he can't perform, he'll suppress the thoughts and it's a downward spiral. Meanwhile his wife thinks it's her, when in reality it's not... it's his lack of a chemical in his body that naturally reduces as men age. Some just sooner than others.

Nothing wrong with getting the guy some help IF he needs it and the only reason I brought up Viagra is because everyone is looking at everything else, and nobodies thought for a moment that the guy might need a little help. Even one of the gals said she uses a glass of wine to get her going... and I don't think there's anything wrong with that either.

 

[farouk]

Farouk,
If your response was directed at my last post, then I'll say that If a man's testosterone levels are low, his sexual desire will be reduced. He may occasionally have the thoughts, but if he can't perform, he'll suppress the thoughts and it's a downward spiral. Meanwhile his wife thinks it's her, when in reality it's not... it's his lack of a chemical in his body that naturally reduces as men age. Some just sooner than others.

Nothing wrong with getting the guy some help IF he needs it and the only reason I brought up Viagra is because everyone is looking at everything else, and nobodies thought for a moment that the guy might need a little help. Even one of the gals said she uses a glass of wine to get her going... and I don't think there's anything wrong with that either.

While to some extent I take your point, there's more to genuine affection than being testosterone charged, as the phrase is.

 

[stovebolts]

What would make you think there would be any less affection? Viagra doesn't work if mentally the guy isn't into it. What it allows for is a man to express the desires he already has, but is unable to perform.

If you had the desire to play baseball, but you couldn't perform, how long would you play baseball before you quit trying? the desire is still there, but the functionality isn't... so guys just quit.

Anyway, I don't really want to drag this out. All I'm saying is if this gal wants a better sex life with her husband, maybe she should send him to the doctor for a test and if he needs Viagra, get him some and then she doesn't have to have all these worries. See, and everything is all better. It's worth checking out.

 

[farouk]

Hello! First off let me start by saying I'm 26 and I've been married to my husband for 3 years. We didn't wait until marriage to have sex and we both have had multiple partners. I wish SO BADLY that we had both been each other's firsts. I know exactly how you feel when you say you are worried about him comparing you to his exes. This is part of the reason we are supposed to wait for marriage. After 8 years I am still struggling with this exact problem.

Confidence is key here. You really need to do whatever you have to do to feel attractive. I cant think of a single reason a man would marry a woman he isn't attracted to. And remember.. You're married, and he isn't going to be with anyone else ever again. Any little bit of improvement is going to be exciting for him at this point and this is meant to continue for decades! I know initiating it is awkward. Thats why I drink a couple glasses of wine a couple nights a week hey, it works!

Feel free to send me a message as we are in the same boat!

Kaileymarie:

In the Gospel, I think that being cleansed and forgiven is more highly rated than a zero amount of previous partners (however good this may be).

 

[Kaileymarie]

Kaileymarie:

In the Gospel, I think that being cleansed and forgiven is more highly rated than a zero amount of previous partners (however good this may be).

Thank you for that