Intimacy problem with newlyweds

[farouk]

Thank you for that

YW and God bless you and your husband.

 

[dinoguy]

newlywedwife,

I had quite a long post typed out but it disappeared somehow.
Let me summarize:
When did your husband accept Christ?
When we accept Christ we throw off the old "natural" man and become new persons who desire to be more like Christ. So it was appropriate that you two abstained from sex until after you were married.

The tricky bit can sometimes be that the subconscious has a hard time transitioning from "God hates sex and it will damn me to hell" to "sex is a good thing and God wants me to enjoy it." If the coping mechanisms that made it possible for him to cope with his desire for you during the time before your marriage persist after marriage, it can result in him feeling ambivalent about it.

It is also possible that he has self-esteem issues and feels you can't possibly find him attractive, so he's saving you the unpleasantness of making love to an ugly person. If it takes you being the one to initiate sex to keep your marriage healthy, that's better than the marriage eroding.

The posts about checking his testosterone level and possibly trying a medication for erectile dysfunction are also valid. Fear of "performance failure" can be a significant issue for a man.

 

[dinoguy]

newlywedwife,
I have been thinking about your situation. Contrary to the assumptions young people make, health and sexuality do not last forever. You really need to get this problem sorted out because beyond the current issues, studies have shown that frequency of intercourse is directly related to the maintenance of potency in later life. Having intercourse as infrequently as you two are greatly increases the risk that he will become impotent far before his time, which will then make the problem even more difficult to resolve.

You two should really be having relations once a week, even if one of you isn't particularly in the mood. Pick a day of the week (Saturday date night, or after a movie on Netflix?) and say "This is our romantic night where we make love, like husbands and wives do." Knowing in advance can sometimes help one get in the mood.

 

[farouk]

newlywedwife,
I have been thinking about your situation. Contrary to the assumptions young people make, health and sexuality do not last forever. You really need to get this problem sorted out because beyond the current issues, studies have shown that frequency of intercourse is directly related to the maintenance of potency in later life. Having intercourse as infrequently as you two are greatly increases the risk that he will become impotent far before his time, which will then make the problem even more difficult to resolve.

You two should really be having relations once a week, even if one of you isn't particularly in the mood. Pick a day of the week (Saturday date night, or after a movie on Netflix?) and say "This is our romantic night where we make love, like husbands and wives do." Knowing in advance can sometimes help one get in the mood.

It's hard to make sweeping generalizations. 1 Cor.7 is a useful guide.

 

[dinoguy]

It's hard to make sweeping generalizations. 1 Cor.7 is a useful guide.

This is a valid point. Just because something is what works for the majority of the population does not mean other people will be unhappy if they don't do it.

Newlywedwife, is your concern solely that your husband will look elsewhere for sex? If you make it clear to him that you are ready and willing to have more with him than he seems to be interested in, I think it is unlikely that he will do that--he would be crazy to do so.

Sexuality and intimacy / love / closeness are linked in most (healthy) people's minds. Are you feeling a lack of emotional intimacy, which is naturally related to physical intimacy?
Maybe if you tell him you want to feel close to him and physical intimacy is something that makes you feel that way he will be less shy about suggesting a "romantic time".

If the situation is that you don't need more physical intimacy to feel emotional intimacy and neither does he, you can be grateful that God gave you a husband whose needs match yours. The vast majority of women would be envious of you.

 

[farouk]

Can you please help me with your opinions and advice?

Hi there; as Kaileymarie says:

Confidence is key here. You really need to do whatever you have to do to feel attractive. .. Any little bit of improvement is going to be exciting for him at this point and this is meant to continue for decades! ..

To put it differently, there is no need to be shy, even if shyness comes naturally.

Blessings.

 

[Kaileymarie]

1 Cor 7 did really open my eyes!

Also emotional connection is a very good point.

If this is really getting the best of you I would suggest giving it to God. Focus on Him and it will come to you.

Pray without ceasing.


1 Thess 5:17

 

[farouk]

1 Cor 7 did really open my eyes!

Also emotional connection is a very good point.

If this is really getting the best of you I would suggest giving it to God. Focus on Him and it will come to you.

Pray without ceasing.


1 Thess 5:17

Kaileymarie:

Yes, in 1 Cor. 7 there is a mutual obligation in view, in a joyful context.

Blessings.

 

[Kaileymarie]

Kaileymarie:

Yes, in 1 Cor. 7 there is a mutual obligation in view, in a joyful context.

Blessings.

What surprised me was how he said that it is ideal for man or woman to stay unmarried, and the only reason marriage was created was because of sexual immorality. Because we have no self control. I always thought life was about getting married and raising children. Now I see it differently!

 

[farouk]

What surprised me was how he said that it is ideal for man or woman to stay unmarried, and the only reason marriage was created was because of sexual immorality. Because we have no self control. I always thought life was about getting married and raising children. Now I see it differently!

Kaileymarie: In the Gospel and church activities we have plenty with which to occupy our lives to the glory of God, and I think this is what Paul means; but Paul also points out that for those who need it marriage provides a necessary outlet: the moral is, use the means that God has provided.

Blessings.

 

[cct]

God, our God is loving and knows how to deal and mend any -ANY situation. Relax both of you and let the spirit move between you, if its the act of sexual intimacy your focussing on - then don`t, as I say relax and allow God to change you and your husband how he wants to change things!

The powers at work around us and from our past do get in the way, but the Holy spirit is stronger, pray and persevere with this. In time God`s love will shine through these holes.

 

[farouk]

God, our God is loving and knows how to deal and mend any -ANY situation. Relax both of you and let the spirit move between you, if its the act of sexual intimacy your focussing on - then don`t, as I say relax and allow God to change you and your husband how he wants to change things!

The powers at work around us and from our past do get in the way, but the Holy spirit is stronger, pray and persevere with this. In time God`s love will shine through these holes.

Yes, relax. And don't be shy.

Blessings.

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

He confessed me when we were still dating that he had problems with online pornography and I wonder if he is still has this problem, even though I have asked recently and he said he had stop when he confessed to me years ago.

Then he shouldn't have a problem getting a content blocker like Safe Eyes, or Covenant Eyes. Mozilla has a great one that is specifically made for Firefox. He should let you set the password. If he objects, you've identified the problem. Now get him counseling.

Honestly (and I'm an addictions counselor) porn addicts lose interest in sexual intimacy with their wives, because they feel guilty, and they find more "real fulfillment" in the fantasy than they do in actual sexual contact with the one they love. I may be wrong, and I pray I am, but I think you know what the problem is.