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Is it ok to stay friends with exes?

Fembot

Fembot

Member
Is it in God's plans for us to remain friends with people we were once intimate with (kissing), dated or who maybe had a crush on us? I know he would rather there not be any of this behavior in the first place. Because we need to choose one person and remain loyal. But I'm talking about meeting someone and getting interested, maybe kissing then figuring out you don't really want to be with them. Then what? Do you drop them like a hot potato? Do you remain friends until you become engaged to someone else?

Many people say they can cut ties with exes and still remain friends. But I am wondering how can this affect the current relationship?


PLEASE

Some older, wiser responses would be appreciated. Especially those who have tried both
a. leaving ex lovers in your life and
b. removing ex lovers once finding someone new.
 
by keeping exes in your life even as 'friends" it can create tensions even in marriages and before that state, ie a courtship.

my wife would kill me if i talked to an ex,as she tends to be jealous and as a married man i have no business talking to single woman by myself ,unless its to counsel and that i would have my wife with me or avoid it altogether , save this forum.

which i seldom counsel women here in this forum.
 
jasoncran said:
by keeping exes in your life even as 'friends" it can create tensions even in marriages and before that state, ie a courtship.

my wife would kill me if i talked to an ex,as she tends to be jealous and as a married man i have no business talking to single woman by myself ,unless its to counsel and that i would have my wife with me or avoid it altogether , save this forum.

which i seldom counsel women here in this forum.
Click to expand...

Ok Jason. Thanks for your reply. It's good to hear you are making her happy. It's kind of ok here, I think. Because it is public and you aren't pming-you know what I mean?
 
I'm friends with almost all of my exes, well, maybe friendly is a better word for it. I don't call them or anything, but if I see them out and about I'll catch up on their lives and families.
 
I'm still close to my ex who I still love and wish to be with. She claims to still love me, but her actions don't really dictate this. At first, I wanted to be close to her because - selfishly - it made me feel like I was with her. I've been deceiving myself though, and it only prolongs the hurt.

With our current difference of opinions, my ex is hurting me now more than ever.

I would highly recommend to fight the urge to keep your exes as friends. Especially if one of them is still holding on. As said, the one hoping for more is usually just lying to themselves. I know from personal experience, as I go through this right now.

I feel my next step is to cut off contact with her, because I can't keep allowing myself to get hurt like this... It isn't healthy...
 
I just don't see what benefit there is in having someone in your life that was a close second to your spouse. Like, how does that make sense, Biblically?
 
Fembot I see the validity of your question.

I currently attend a Bible college and my sophmore year I began dating a lady I'd become really close friends with. I mean we hung out probably every day at college. Then we began dating for seven or eight months before she broke up with me during the summer.

Now, we both get back to college and what happens? The question comes up in my mind, Should I still remain friends with my ex-girlfriend. My attitude was a resounding yes. We had hung out all the time our freshmen year. Sophomore year we dated. We still had the same hangout groups. For about a month of my junior year I tried hanging out with her just like normal times but I felt absolutely miserable. Just staying friends after the breakup didn't seem to be as hard on her. I think generally it's harder on guys than girls.

Anyhow I found a friend who was going through the same thing. He was engaged and had broken off the engagement and had started to talk to her again. We would both find ourselves time after time thinking about our ex's and eventually decided any time that we dwelt on our ex we would slap each other accross the head. It took time but I realized I had to break that old relationship. Not because of a "Thus Saith the Lord" but because the mind games were too much. Any time I got a text I would think it was my ex. Whenever she disrespected me in front of friends or talked about our past I would feel miserable and dwell on it for days.

In conclusion it was tough but I found new friends. Most of em are freshmen. I don't harbor bitterness or resentment towards my ex and occasionally we'll exchange words. But in order for me to keep my sanity I avoid her. That's just my personal experience.
 
I was once engaged and almost married and my ex fiance dropped me like a hot potato. Its difficult to grasp at first but I will say that I think it is better off having no contact anymore. I dont have to think about who she is with or what she is doing or how good she looks if I see her or any emotions coming back into it. My broken engagement has been nearly 2 years ago and I have not talked to her at all or nor do I even know what she is doing anymore. I tried to stay friends at first but she ignored and avoided me and quite frankly, I am happy she did. I believe more heartache would come from it. Also I am a believer that if I spend time with a woman I cannot see myself marrying I am probably just wasting my time. I am on a lookout for a virtous Christian woman who I can someday see myself marrying and anything else really is just a waste if it is not going anywhere. So not only would I say have no contact with your exes but I would also say do not have a relationship with the opposite sex if you see it going nowhere unless you are passing by them or see them in church or something.

by keeping exes in your life even as 'friends" it can create tensions even in marriages and before that state, ie a courtship.

my wife would kill me if i talked to an ex,as she tends to be jealous and as a married man i have no business talking to single woman by myself ,unless its to counsel and that i would have my wife with me or avoid it altogether , save this forum.
Click to expand...

Jason is completely right. I agree and Its another reason why I prefer not to have any women as friends unless I see one as a potential wife.
 
I can tell you from my personal experience - NO.
My ex had many female friends - some of them exes. It created alot of tension between us especially when he would invite them over to his place - alone, or go to the movies or cook dinner for them. I could never trust him and his actions made it difficult for me feel any loyalty towards him. Also, I never felt all that special in his life so there was this distance between us.

When we broke up, he tried to stay in contact with me but I refused. Personally, I don't think see the point. Why waste your emotion and time nurturing a relationship that has come to an end? Also, I think it shows great disrespect to the partner in your next relationship. Ask yourself, would you be happy for your partner to still be in contact with their ex? Would you be happy for them to go out together - alone? where do you draw the line?

Also, one other reason why it's not good - the potential for an affair latter on. There will always be periods in your next relationship where things go wrong and turning to your ex to get advice from the opposite sex can be very tempting. However, when you are in an emotionally vulnerable state, it's very easy for the relationship with your ex to bond quite closely and then turn into an affair.
 
I guess one aspect to consider is what actually went on with the ex. If there is sex in the history or even if there was a desire for it from one person, then I'd say no. The temptation will be there, and we are to avoid it. However if it just a friend you dated to see if things might work out, then it might not hurt, just keep in mind that you have a history that needs to be respected.
 
Now that doesn't make any sense. Anyone of the opposite sex? So I guess I can't be friends with my wife's friends? How about my brother's girl friend? I know you are going for those without relative attachments, but even then that doesn't make sense because somewhere in life most men probably have women co-workers, and a job goes easier when you are friends with your co-workers.
 
In my experience: It depends on the ex.

If you had a particularly good relationship... you might not want to stay in contact with them because the reminders will make you doubt yourself. And if you get in a new relationship, you won't be able to help but compare the person to your ex... no one likes that.

If you had a particularly bad relationship... definitely need to stay far away so as not to stay bitter. Again, if you start a new relationship, you won't be able to help but compare the new person with your ex... and that's even worse.

However, if you just briefly dated the person and broke up on good terms... it IS perfectly possible to have a healthy friendship that won't get in the way of future relationships. I've dated 5 girls. The last two I would gladly never see again. The 3rd one, I'm still friends with (we play WoW together, and she's dating our guild leader). The 2nd one, I speak to every now and then... although not often because there's some mixed emotions there... and the first one I just lost contact with, but I wouldn't mind being friends if we met up again. So, a majority are or could still be friends. But, they definitely can be emotionally dangerous.
 
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