Is this okay? He’s turning the tables making me feel like its my fault

[Mauder2024!]

My husband and i i’ve been married for three years. When we were going through counseling, one of the questions posed was who is your best friend which he replied was a married woman 22 years younger than him. I thought it odd but I didn’t really think about it. We had to replace his phone and her name was his password.. he recently accused me of having an affair which I was not but when I told him he could look at my phone I had nothing to hide. I asked him can I look at your phone because you have a password on it I can’t get into your iPad because you have a password on it and I can’t get into your security box because it’s locked hide and I was being nosy or snoopy, but when I looked at his phone, he had three calls attempting to get a hold of her . he is also been communicating with her secretly via messenger on Facebook. But it’s my fault because I was being snoopy. Does this sound right? Am I making too big of this because as he says she’s a Christian sister?

 

[hawkman]

My husband and i i’ve been married for three years.

I am guessing not the first marriage for either of you ? Feel like giving us a history there ?

When we were going through counseling, one of the questions posed was who is your best friend which he replied was a married woman 22 years younger than him.

And what did your counselor say to this ?

I thought it odd but I didn’t really think about it.

How well do you understand the male mind ?

We had to replace his phone and her name was his password..

Does the counselor know this fact ?

Am I making too big of this because as he says she’s a Christian sister?

What did the counselor say ?

 

[Knotical]

Sounds like a classic case of gaslighting to me. Deflecting any scrutiny over his actions to something he made up in his own mind about you.

As hawkman asked, I am curious if your counselor is aware of any of this and what they think of it.

Quite frankly, he does not have a very appropriate relationship with this other woman and that needs to be addressed.

 

[Who Me]

But it’s my fault because I was being snoopy.

Part of the marriage vows is " forsaking All others ! "
There is nothing wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex, but that friendship is open and above board.

Calls, meeti gs etc are mentioned and discussed with ones partner.

That his best friend is not you, that he uses her name as a password, that he is secretive about contacting her and lastly is blaming you are all reasons for concern.

Raise these issues with your Councillor and expect change.

 

[Tenchi]

My husband and i i’ve been married for three years. When we were going through counseling, one of the questions posed was who is your best friend which he replied was a married woman 22 years younger than him. I thought it odd but I didn’t really think about it. We had to replace his phone and her name was his password.. he recently accused me of having an affair which I was not but when I told him he could look at my phone I had nothing to hide. I asked him can I look at your phone because you have a password on it I can’t get into your iPad because you have a password on it and I can’t get into your security box because it’s locked hide and I was being nosy or snoopy, but when I looked at his phone, he had three calls attempting to get a hold of her . he is also been communicating with her secretly via messenger on Facebook. But it’s my fault because I was being snoopy. Does this sound right? Am I making too big of this because as he says she’s a Christian sister?

Is your husband a disciple of Jesus Christ, a Christian? If so, has he been properly taught the nature of marriage from God's perspective, laid out in the Bible? It doesn't sound like he has.

The married couple "forsake all others," they "leave and cleave" to one another, in that they make their relationship to one another their primary, their most precious and intimate, relationship, sacrificing investment in all other relationships in order to nurture and protect their marriage to one another. This is God's design for marriage. And so, any relationship that destructively infringes upon, or diminishes, or distracts from, a couple's marriage relationship must be forsaken.

It seems to me that you know that your husband's "thing" for this younger woman is not right. And no, you're not making too big a thing of his infatuation with her. One of the simplest ways we can tell if what we're doing is wrong is whether or not we hide what we're doing from others. Your husband, it seems to me, has been hiding his interactions with this other gal, his doing so only coming to light when your search exposed that he had. This says a great deal about the nature of his interest in this younger woman - and about him, too, quite frankly.

I think his accusation that you were having an affair is actually a bit of projection going on - especially without any concrete evidence that you're cheating on him. It's pretty common for human beings to accuse others of the things of which they are themselves most guilty. The liar tends to think everybody else is lying just like they do; the porn addict assumes everyone else looks at porn, too; the gossip is certain all her friends backstab her, and so on. Your husband's projecting accusation that you're having an affair doesn't mean necessarily that he's having one, but it sure suggests he's seriously thinking about it.

I say all this having only one side of the story. Perhaps if I had your husband's end of things, I'd have different remarks to make to you.

 

[Mauder2024!]

Gaslighting is the correct term used here.



I wonder why he asked that when he seems to be hiding things from you. Perhaps you should ask him the same question next time you are both with your counsellor. Jm2c

He refuses to go to any counseling. Says our marriage is not salvageable. He also only gives me $500 a month to live in my home. Not even close to half. I feel so used.

 

[Mauder2024!]

Is your husband a disciple of Jesus Christ, a Christian? If so, has he been properly taught the nature of marriage from God's perspective, laid out in the Bible? It doesn't sound like he has.

The married couple "forsake all others," they "leave and cleave" to one another, in that they make their relationship to one another their primary, their most precious and intimate, relationship, sacrificing investment in all other relationships in order to nurture and protect their marriage to one another. This is God's design for marriage. And so, any relationship that destructively infringes upon, or diminishes, or distracts from, a couple's marriage relationship must be forsaken.

It seems to me that you know that your husband's "thing" for this younger woman is not right. And no, you're not making too big a thing of his infatuation with her. One of the simplest ways we can tell if what we're doing is wrong is whether or not we hide what we're doing from others. Your husband, it seems to me, has been hiding his interactions with this other gal, his doing so only coming to light when your search exposed that he had. This says a great deal about the nature of his interest in this younger woman - and about him, too, quite frankly.

I think his accusation that you were having an affair is actually a bit of projection going on - especially without any concrete evidence that you're cheating on him. It's pretty common for human beings to accuse others of the things of which they are themselves most guilty. The liar tends to think everybody else is lying just like they do; the porn addict assumes everyone else looks at porn, too; the gossip is certain all her friends backstab her, and so on. Your husband's projecting accusation that you're having an affair doesn't mean necessarily that he's having one, but it sure suggests he's seriously thinking about it.

I say all this having only one side of the story. Perhaps if I had your husband's end of things, I'd have different remarks to make to you.

I wish you could, but he refuses to go to counseling. He also will only give me $500 a month to live in my home, not even 1/2 of expenses. He does nothing in the home because he says, it’s my home. I’m just so emotionally/financially drained.

 

[Mauder2024!]

Part of the marriage vows is " forsaking All others ! "
There is nothing wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex, but that friendship is open and above board.

Calls, meeti gs etc are mentioned and discussed with ones partner.

That his best friend is not you, that he uses her name as a password, that he is secretive about contacting her and lastly is blaming you are all reasons for concern.

Raise these issues with your Councillor and expect change.

He won’t go to counseling.