I have been on this road since 2003 and would like to put an end.
In 2020 I came to know of the existence of God. Not believe, but know without a shadow of a doubt that God exists and it is actually impossible for him not to exist, for as long as truth exist, God exists.
As a Christian, I'd say you've got this backward: So long as God exists, Truth exists. Regardless, you've drawn a proper connection, I think, between Truth and its Source (God). If you see this much, and see it with such great certainty, why do you still remain mostly agnostic (or, at least, doubtful) about the existence of your Maker?
I believe in Jesus and want desperately to erase all doubt that he does but I’m missing something to erase this doubt. Over 20 years I have heard all of the sources and went over all evidence, and there’s still doubt.
Jesus came to earth, lived and died, and rose again not merely to demonstrate that God exists but to make it possible for us to have daily, intimate, life-changing communion with Him, enjoying a smaller experience of the perfect communion the Godhead - Father, Son and Spirit - has always enjoyed.
Revelation 3:20
20 'Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and will dine with him, and he with Me.
1 John 1:3
3 ... our fellowship is with the Father, and with His Son Jesus Christ.
2 Corinthians 13:14
14 The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit, be with you all.
Philippians 3:8-11
8 More than that, I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ,
9 and may be found in Him, not having a righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith,
10 that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death;
11 in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.
In my experience, most Christians don't know Jesus, though they know a great deal
about him. Some fear that moving into a personal, concrete and transformative experience of God will lead them into the grotesque craziness of the hyper-charismatics (e.g. Kenneth Copeland, Todd White, Paula White, Joni Lamb, Benny Hinn, Creflo Dollar, et al). And so, they move in the other direction toward an institutionalized, cerebral, academic "experience" of God, mediated entirely by the clergy, rituals and teaching of the institutional Church. God is not found in either extreme. You can't find God in the wild, fleshly sensuality of hyper-charismaticism, nor in the cold, sterile forms and edicts of institutionalized religion.
But you do need to find God, not just in propositions about Him, but in a direct, personal, concrete and transformative experience of Him. If you don't encounter God in this way, it is very possible that you aren't actually one of His own - that, or sin has so plugged up the line between you and Him that fellowship between you is impossible. In either case, doubt, distance, frustration and hypocrisy are always the result.
With God, there’s no evidence or proof, I’ve come to find. It’s simply a realization of the existence of God.
This is rather over-stating the case, I think. In fact, there is much evidence for God presented to us in philosophy, natural theology, the realm of morality, and in the historical record.
God, though, has approached us such that we retain the liberty to choose Him, to choose to trust in Him and walk with Him. If God were to present Himself to us in all of His heavenly power and glory, we'd have no choice but to drop onto our faces in mad terror before Him, compelled by the awesome, mind-blowing force of His being to yield to Him. But God doesn't want this sort of compulsory fidelity to Himself. He wants a
love relationship with us, which necessarily entails our freedom to choose Him, or not. And so, He gives us room to maneuver, to choose to walk with Him in fellowship, or to deny Him.
For those who accept the testimony of Creation, conscience, and the Incarnation and choose to trust in Him, God "draws near" (
James 4:8), by His Spirit acting upon His child in the various ways the Bible describes (conviction, illumination, strengthening, comfort, transformation, etc.).
With Jesus, maybe it just seems too good to be true for me, idk. I mean yeah the evidence is overwhelming, but when we’re talking of the claims we’re talking about it needs to be beyond a shadow of a doubt. Jesus died for my sins, and if I accept him and love my neighbor I am one with him.
It's actually not true that "extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence." See:
www.reasonablefaith.org
Also, it isn't by anything that you do that you're saved. God saves you through Jesus, the one and only Savior (
John 14:6; Acts 4:12); you can do nothing to contribute to your own salvation except receive it by faith (
Ephesians 2:8-9; Titus 3:5; 2 Timothy 1:9; Romans 5:6-10). It's an unearned gift of God to you.
I feel like though, once accepting this truly there should be a drastic change in oneself. While I admit I’m more confident, less fearful, and overall in a better state of mind, I have not changed my lifestyle too much for the better, though I try to do better.
Yes, the change God will work in you may be very drastic, very radical. But the wonderful thing is that He does it, not you. As with His salvation of you, you just receive His transforming work in you, living it out as He enables you to do.
Philippians 1:6
6 For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.
Philippians 2:12-13
12 ...work out your salvation with fear and trembling;
13 for it is God who is at work in you, both to will and to work for His good pleasure.
Philippians 4:13
13 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
1 Corinthians 1:27-31
27 but God has chosen the foolish things of the world to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to shame the things which are strong,
28 and the base things of the world and the despised God has chosen, the things that are not, so that He may nullify the things that are,
29 so that no man may boast before God.
30 But by His doing you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, and righteousness and sanctification, and redemption,
31 so that, just as it is written, "LET HIM WHO BOASTS, BOAST IN THE LORD."
1 Thessalonians 5:23-24
23 Now may the God of peace Himself sanctify you entirely; and may your spirit and soul and body be preserved complete, without blame at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ.
24 Faithful is He who calls you, and He also will bring it to pass.
What God wants from you He first supplies to you in the Person of indwelling Holy Spirit. In the Spirit, God has given to you all you need to walk with Him and be who He created you to be. It's not all on you to be such a person.
I guess for me it seems like my ego is as equally as powerful as me praying to Jesus, blasphemy not intended because I know my ego is not. I just don’t understand how if I pray in Jesus name to not do a sin and eventually commit the sin anyway.
Because you're not living in daily, constant submission to God. Until you do, the life of the Holy Spirit, his power, is unavailable to you. God, you see, does not fill rebels with Himself and all the good things that He is. And it is only a rebel you can be if you're not submitted to God's will and way throughout each day. He's God, right? He's the Boss, the King, the Lord of All. If you won't recognize this and yield yourself to Him, to His will, you remain His opponent and cut off from all the joy and power of fellowship with Himself.
James 4:6-10
6 ...Therefore it says, "GOD IS OPPOSED TO THE PROUD, BUT GIVES GRACE TO THE HUMBLE."
7 Submit therefore to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you.
8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded.
9 Be miserable and mourn and weep; let your laughter be turned into mourning and your joy to gloom.
10 Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.
1 Peter 5:6
6 Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time,
Romans 12:1
1 Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship.
Romans 8:14
14 For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God.
I want to know that Jesus is, and I want to know that he died for my sins and all I need to do is believe. But I want more than to just believe this. I want to know this with all my heart in the same way I now know God exist with all my heart
See above.