[__ Prayer __] just now a Christian...

[Christ_empowered]

...OK. I get the sense that I'm just now able to comprehend not only the basics of Christ, but the fundamentals of what it means to be a Christian. I did a lot of drugs ("Drugs are bad, m'kay?"), had 2 rounds of involuntary ECT, and had a near-fatal head injury (I got bashed on the head with a pipe while walking through a not so great neighborhood 7 years ago). I shouldn't be alive, so I can't complain, but...wow.

I get the sense that God kept me going, I indicated some interest in Christ, and He's graced me. Its incredible, really. Oh, did I mention that I also seem to have "outgrown" my narcissism, all of a sudden? Some people do, its true, and my maturation was stunted by severe trauma and other stuff. (This from my counselor).

Anyway...God's been good to me, no lie. Not good in a "tough love" sort of way, nor in a coddling sort of way, but genuinely good to me, in a way that I may never comprehend.

So...on the one hand, praise. Major praise. I did too many drugs, spent too much money back when my parents were more middle class (they are, thankfully, relatively affluent now), and wasted a lot of opportunities. Of coursae, every wretch has a back story, so...yeah...there was a lot going onthere.

And yet another prayer request (I seem to dominate this board, lol). I pray to become truly, completely, totally Christian. Not *perfect*, just...Christian. Genuinely, authentically Christian, flaws and all.

Oh...and I pray that I become genuinely not narcissistic. I could write a book on how narcissists are treated by secular mental health. Its terrible. Mine was probably born of early childhood trauma and questionable parenting, but...hey, whatever, right? He's narcissistic! The label is used as condemnation.

Thanks

 

[reba]

Your label is A child of the King .... CE that makes you a Prince.

 

[Jesse]

What is an involuntary ECT?

All things are possible with God, He is Jehovah Rophi, the Great Healer! You have a great testimony going there.

 

[Christ_empowered]

ECT= electro-convulsive therapy. Electroshock.

 

[Jesse]

ECT= electro-convulsive therapy. Electroshock.

What the heck......they still use that?

Does it help at all?

 

[Christ_empowered]

yeah...they still use it. People w/ good insurance do it voluntarily, in private mental hospitals. Poor people have to do it, involuntarily. In my case, I was sedated both times it was done. I just didn't matter to anyone, that's all.

Ummm...some people swear it helps. It causes memory loss, which I guess can be helpful. I've just now recovered from both rounds (one at 20, another at 23), about 7 years after the second round.

 

[AirDancer]

Prayers continue for your focus on and growth in your relationship with our Lord God, our merciful and loving Father, Christ_empowered. And I sing praises to Him for all He has brought about in your life. You are on the 'right' path now; you have the desire and the determination, and, more importantly, the love for our Lord that keeps you seeking Him!

Be blessed, my dear friend!

 

[Christ_empowered]

sorry to post all the time. I'm just...frustrated. Frustrated. Getting better. I've got more and more of a "...spirit of a sound mind" going, trust me, but...frustrated.

People now say I have schizophrenia because "too many dudes used him." Ouch. This as I'm actually becoming surprisingly normal, thanks to Christ. Back when I could have used a little vacay in a mental hospital, maybe a long stint in the state facility, they said I was "severely narcissistic." Nice.

Bottom line: people around here--men in particular--don't care for me. Wait...wait...that's an understatement. One set of neighbors still scream about "Federal warrants" and "go pick up your warrant!" and such. Some dudes I hooked up with back when I was in my post-ECT haze (trust me, the docs "gave me the works," so to speak) took pix without my consent and those pix have gotten around my little town...because I was "gettin' uppity." Apparently, I have to "know my place in society." Who knew?

So now I'm in this crazy position where I'm acknowleding: yes, I had narcissism. Wasn't my idea. I don't now. I'm not demanding, I don't feel "empty" or whatever, my daydreams aren't about the same stuff, even my inclinations towards same-sex stuff are getting better, and...

...and the truth is I was a geeky loser from a rinky dink middle class family in HS (other peoples' words, not mine), I went off the rails from 17-19, and that was supposed to be the end of that. The other night, I was outside, and this one set of neighbors behind my parents yelled out how I"m "just a factory worker." Look, I"m not to good to work in a factory, but I don't think I can. When I tried to work in a movie theater around here, docs told all my co workers my confidential info and ruined my rep. Jesus has seen fit to give me enough intelligence so I can earn a degree and maybe do something besides work in a factory. But..oh wait..."used up faggots don't need college degrees." Right.

Blah blah blah...I'm blessed, really I am. I get along well with my dad, I live very comfortably, I get to earn a degree through Liberty which, weirdly enough, is more challenging than the state school I attended way back when. And less pretentious. And Christian.

So...yeah. That's my rant and ramble of the night, lol.

 

[Brother Mike]

Glad you grasped some things. Same boat I am in. When I think I know, I find out I did not know as much as I thought I did. Then I want to really know, but to find out there is still more.

Hope you get it sorted, but don't expect to know much while Your on Earth compared to what there is to know.

 

[Christ_empowered]

I always blame my brain damage. I should be dead by now, honestly...its...unnerving, I suppose is the word, to realize that not only did I do way too many drugs, but shrinks took it upon themselves to fry out what was left. And I got bashed on the head :-(

BUT...anyway...I blame the brain damage, when really I did a lot of drugs because my inborn sin nature and all sorts of environmental stuff, blah blah blah. At this point, its taming the flesh that's gonna help me, not always wondering how many (or few) brain cells I'm working with.

In other news...I think its just dawned on me that I have become and am becoming a completely different person. Like, a little too feminine, but not overtly queer. Not a flamer. And I've only been Born Again 2 years, and I started as a semi-vegetable, lol. I've said "I'm a different person" before, but...wow...its real. And I stop and thank God now and then for putting some good in me.

OK...this is the end of this random posting. Thanks for all the input, everyone.