Christ_empowered
Member
- Oct 23, 2010
- 14,242
- 10,724
...so, I think Jesus is moving in my life. I'm calmer. I'm less angry. I don't (over)react as much when people taunt me and when they judge me. I can put things into perspective a little bit better. I'm learning to appreciate the many blessings God has given me instead of focusing on what those I used to hang out with have or are doing, etc.
The past doesn't haunt me as much. Yes, electroshock is terrible. Yes, a lot of needless cruelty has been hurled my way. Yes, people around here consider me "uppity," largely because I was considered "poor white trash" until recently. Nothing personal, I guess...that's how the social class/caste system works down here, y'all!
I'm learning to prioritize. God, my people, me+other Christians. Probation is going well. Praise God for the misdemeanor, not felony...the probation people more or less leave me alone. (To be fair to me, I didn't really commit the felony I was initially charged with. Doesn't matter, unless you get a lawyer...).
The "Bipolar I" or what have you ("It," "my affliction," etc.) is much more manageable. Meds can be a good thing, it seems.
I get the sense that, for me, real life starts...about...NOW, lol. But what to do? I've been encouraged to volunteer, so I'll look into that, first. A j-o-b would be nice, but...I was on the fringes of society when I coulda/shoulda/woulda been building a resume. Ugh. Its strange...those over-priced, private practice docs tore me to shreds and then refused to lift a finger to help me. These public/community mental health people are more compassionate, professional. They also don't Rx controlled meds, so they're not creating a long term customer by hooking you on uppers and/or downers. The counseling is easy breezy, so they're not hooking you into excessive introspection to make some $$$. The "recovery model" is probably the best thing for me, at this point in my life. I can't generalize to other people.
I'm rambling. Point is...I'm not living in fear as much (fear of man shall prove to be a snare; fret not because of evil doers; perfect love casteth out all fear...), and I can move forward to...well, whatever Point B is, lol.
I do get upset when people I've never met expect me to "know my place in society," stuff like that. I mean...can't they, I dunno...worry about their own lives and leave me alone? That's the thing...I've said it before...for me, its darned if you, darned if you don't. If I'd "known my place," people would have pretended to respect me and I'd just have to get used to life at the very bottom of the totem pole. I didn't "know my place," especially after I got saved+The Lord chose to move mightily in my life, so...I'm "uppity" because my now-"comfortable" people take care of me, because I have good skin and my hair (miraculously) grew back, because I have bright eyes, because I got probation (its a first offense misdemeanor, so probation is standard, but...everybody talks about my "felony" and such...stoopid...), because I won't "move out into the trailer park," etc. I'm not too good for a trailer park, but...I like living here, having the support of my parents and such...plus, I've been forced out of entire towns before, so I'm not --really-- eager to move out on my own, just yet...
Ugh. Life isn't easy. Never is, for most people anyway. My life is 100x better than it could be. I've been spared some terrible things, even before I showed the slightest interest in God. God is good! I think I just get frustrated now because...well...people I've never spoken to seem to know an awful lot about me (pariah of a small southern town AND a "troubler maker, mental patient," etc...). Needless cruelty is frustrating and...pointless, really.
I've rambled long enough. If you made it this far, thank you. As always, replies are --much-- appreciated, as are your prayers.
The past doesn't haunt me as much. Yes, electroshock is terrible. Yes, a lot of needless cruelty has been hurled my way. Yes, people around here consider me "uppity," largely because I was considered "poor white trash" until recently. Nothing personal, I guess...that's how the social class/caste system works down here, y'all!
I'm learning to prioritize. God, my people, me+other Christians. Probation is going well. Praise God for the misdemeanor, not felony...the probation people more or less leave me alone. (To be fair to me, I didn't really commit the felony I was initially charged with. Doesn't matter, unless you get a lawyer...).
The "Bipolar I" or what have you ("It," "my affliction," etc.) is much more manageable. Meds can be a good thing, it seems.
I get the sense that, for me, real life starts...about...NOW, lol. But what to do? I've been encouraged to volunteer, so I'll look into that, first. A j-o-b would be nice, but...I was on the fringes of society when I coulda/shoulda/woulda been building a resume. Ugh. Its strange...those over-priced, private practice docs tore me to shreds and then refused to lift a finger to help me. These public/community mental health people are more compassionate, professional. They also don't Rx controlled meds, so they're not creating a long term customer by hooking you on uppers and/or downers. The counseling is easy breezy, so they're not hooking you into excessive introspection to make some $$$. The "recovery model" is probably the best thing for me, at this point in my life. I can't generalize to other people.
I'm rambling. Point is...I'm not living in fear as much (fear of man shall prove to be a snare; fret not because of evil doers; perfect love casteth out all fear...), and I can move forward to...well, whatever Point B is, lol.
I do get upset when people I've never met expect me to "know my place in society," stuff like that. I mean...can't they, I dunno...worry about their own lives and leave me alone? That's the thing...I've said it before...for me, its darned if you, darned if you don't. If I'd "known my place," people would have pretended to respect me and I'd just have to get used to life at the very bottom of the totem pole. I didn't "know my place," especially after I got saved+The Lord chose to move mightily in my life, so...I'm "uppity" because my now-"comfortable" people take care of me, because I have good skin and my hair (miraculously) grew back, because I have bright eyes, because I got probation (its a first offense misdemeanor, so probation is standard, but...everybody talks about my "felony" and such...stoopid...), because I won't "move out into the trailer park," etc. I'm not too good for a trailer park, but...I like living here, having the support of my parents and such...plus, I've been forced out of entire towns before, so I'm not --really-- eager to move out on my own, just yet...
Ugh. Life isn't easy. Never is, for most people anyway. My life is 100x better than it could be. I've been spared some terrible things, even before I showed the slightest interest in God. God is good! I think I just get frustrated now because...well...people I've never spoken to seem to know an awful lot about me (pariah of a small southern town AND a "troubler maker, mental patient," etc...). Needless cruelty is frustrating and...pointless, really.
I've rambled long enough. If you made it this far, thank you. As always, replies are --much-- appreciated, as are your prayers.
