Christ_empowered
Member
- Oct 23, 2010
- 14,346
- 10,839
But I can’t. God can.
Of all people I have every reason to let go of my past. It was rough. I got truly genuinely saved 11 years ago. Now…
I have a nice quiet life. My parents are kind to me. I’m healthy. I’m surprisingly smart. I don’t mean that in a prideful way just…
Wow ? psychiatry can make you stupid. And then they laugh at you about it. True story.
So part of it is also that I can’t really do much. I worked here and there but I was a weakling targeted all the time because I was supposed to go to juvenile detention and then the gay community gets through with a flamboyant weakling and I was supposed to go to prison and then I’m supposed to be homeless and now people say he has to move into a group home ? but I live here and I’m apparently schizophrenic in the higher functioning part of the spectrum so…?
Ugh ? I am more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus. Did I mention that I’m fat but no longer prematurely aged not even homely? I just need to lose weight and build muscle ?. So…
I think ? because God has blessed ? me with so much I’m especially frustrated by my inability to just…go. Do. But go where do what? I couldn’t even volunteer without friction and a lot of it was deliberate…
Taunting name calling that kind of thing. The whole thing started to feel like yet another mind game or maybe…
Even if I’m reasonably well dressed and polite and well spoken and I….
Not really welcome there or there or…?
I had major obvious cognitive problems. Too much involuntary shock ? too many psych drugs too…too much. Funny thing?
I started as a short cocky flamboyant gay dude with a 120 iq and now..
I’m average height not flamboyant and I apparently have an estimated iq of 145-150? I dunno ?
not being painfully stupid is key ? the high iq estimate is a good thing and I thank God for redemption….
I just don’t know what to do with it now. Did I mention schizophrenia? It’s not always overt and in your face….
Sometimes schizophrenia is more about just a sense of disintegration and not being able to filter things properly and then the deep dark bouts of depression…
Everybody has something. A newer tranquilizer helps along with b vitamins and antioxidants. Most people can filter ok
some people need a tranquilizer. It is what it is…
Sorry to ramble. This sense that I’m somehow known or at least…known of…despite keeping a low profile in a small but growing city ? is creepy and unnerving.
I was out at a huge discount shopping ? place with my mother ? once and I was in front of the dairy ? area and some woman ?
almost hissed at me about living off the government and…? I didn’t know her and I was well dressed and hygienic and acting normal and…
Creepy. Creeps me out even now especially that hateful hiss ? the venom in her voice. Ugh.
So this is about letting God take not just my past but also my present and future and…
Me. Writing
is sometimes used as therapy. Writing has proven amazingly useful in my spiritual development.
Ok Thank you ?
Of all people I have every reason to let go of my past. It was rough. I got truly genuinely saved 11 years ago. Now…
I have a nice quiet life. My parents are kind to me. I’m healthy. I’m surprisingly smart. I don’t mean that in a prideful way just…
Wow ? psychiatry can make you stupid. And then they laugh at you about it. True story.
So part of it is also that I can’t really do much. I worked here and there but I was a weakling targeted all the time because I was supposed to go to juvenile detention and then the gay community gets through with a flamboyant weakling and I was supposed to go to prison and then I’m supposed to be homeless and now people say he has to move into a group home ? but I live here and I’m apparently schizophrenic in the higher functioning part of the spectrum so…?
Ugh ? I am more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus. Did I mention that I’m fat but no longer prematurely aged not even homely? I just need to lose weight and build muscle ?. So…
I think ? because God has blessed ? me with so much I’m especially frustrated by my inability to just…go. Do. But go where do what? I couldn’t even volunteer without friction and a lot of it was deliberate…
Taunting name calling that kind of thing. The whole thing started to feel like yet another mind game or maybe…
Even if I’m reasonably well dressed and polite and well spoken and I….
Not really welcome there or there or…?
I had major obvious cognitive problems. Too much involuntary shock ? too many psych drugs too…too much. Funny thing?
I started as a short cocky flamboyant gay dude with a 120 iq and now..
I’m average height not flamboyant and I apparently have an estimated iq of 145-150? I dunno ?
not being painfully stupid is key ? the high iq estimate is a good thing and I thank God for redemption….I just don’t know what to do with it now. Did I mention schizophrenia? It’s not always overt and in your face….
Sometimes schizophrenia is more about just a sense of disintegration and not being able to filter things properly and then the deep dark bouts of depression…
Everybody has something. A newer tranquilizer helps along with b vitamins and antioxidants. Most people can filter ok
some people need a tranquilizer. It is what it is…Sorry to ramble. This sense that I’m somehow known or at least…known of…despite keeping a low profile in a small but growing city ? is creepy and unnerving.
I was out at a huge discount shopping ? place with my mother ? once and I was in front of the dairy ? area and some woman ?
almost hissed at me about living off the government and…? I didn’t know her and I was well dressed and hygienic and acting normal and…Creepy. Creeps me out even now especially that hateful hiss ? the venom in her voice. Ugh.
So this is about letting God take not just my past but also my present and future and…
Me. Writing
is sometimes used as therapy. Writing has proven amazingly useful in my spiritual development. Ok
Thank you ?
