[__ Prayer __] lonely, not alone

[Christ_empowered]

I don't have...many friends. 37 year olds with my mental health labels generally...don't. to be perfectly fair, though, it seems that a lot of people in modern society (the data I've seen focuses on the US...I think it has more to do with over-work and destruction of social bonds than "American culture," per se...so, probably true of a lot of modern nations?) don't, either, so...no pity party here, just...stating the facts.

I had a...friend, I guess? maybe? elderly Pentecostal widow. we talked on the phone for over....10 years. she dropped me, which...stung (pride!). but...OK. my (long suffering, hard working) parents are close to me, now, and -amazingly- kind and supportive. and...I think maybe it was more pity (?) or...just feeling badly for someone, but...that only goes so far, especially when there's a huge age gap and I was gradually blessed and delivered, transformed into...

well, 37 year old Christian, labeled so "severely mentally" ill in the social and legal sense, but...not really "crazy" (read: chaotic, disordered, in need of control and/or "help" of some sort), so...what to make of that, anyway? and...

I have a high IQ estimate,, now. how? -shrug- maybe its part of Jesus' work of redemption in my life? It is a blessing, its just...sometimes, she would say "you are very, very smart...," but its almost like...frightened? but I'm not scary? I tend to question things, because I (over?) analyze and such, but I'm a lot better off in terms of functioning with the high(er) IQ estimate than when I was in the 95-120 range (long, long story..."suspend your disbelief..." and: stranger things have happened).

that's neither here nor there. my born again cousin emails now and then to check in...he doesn't always respond. that's...OK. not to sound critical, but I read somewhere that "religion tends to serve the interests of the powerful." ouch. maybe that's why so many people in modern USA cannot or do not "do" church? not powerful, needs not reflected or dealt with, lack of community, and...blah blah blah. happens. thing is....

so, my cousin is a good man and all, but he's also a (very) rich man. and I do think there's a fundamental difference in outlook between a once impoverished (now...delivered, living a modest, safe, decent lifestyle, praise God and my parents!) "schizophrenic" Christian and a conservative (but compassionate! not trying to make this political!) Christian with mega-fundz.

so, where does that leave...me? a long term friend (she called me a "friend" the other day...I'll take it, I guess...but I'm wary of lots of in person interaction...) keeps in touch. city lady, now...white collar, well compensated, live in boyfriend...not Christian, and I do see now...

it does matter, doesn't it? not that I chose Him so much as...thankfully, He chose me and His choice has...wow. I'm changed, in all sorts of ways...

thankfully, my parents are -genuinely- kind to me. -what a huge relief-

they're doing well, btw...mama's enjoying being retired and engaged in community stuff, dad's easing out of his jobby job and more into community stuff and DIY projects, here and there, and...

I'm the only off spring. and...at 37, I am a member of the family, for the first time in...a long, long, long time. fallen world, things...happened...and...and...

"Schizophrenia." what...is it, anyway? tranquilizers -- an "atypical," in my case -- leaves me calmer, and there are fewer upswings into chatty agitation and such, but...

I -think- so much more clearly on lower doses. I mean...I'm glad, to have more thought-room back, but...wow. is not thinking...the best possible, never ending "Treatment" ?

and...there's the ongoing issue of what...is...happening around me? I mean...seriously...people still think its OK to openly humiliate me, rip into me, all that junk. I've been saved 9 years, btw. and...


lots of involuntary shock (long story...turns out, shrinks still do that, even in private hospitals...-eek- ), so I'm -just now- able to remember some things, and...


yeah. I think being flamboyantly say, sickly, outcast contributed to a lot of the general junk and all, but...the world not only does not care, the world laughs at low status people who get ripped to shreds and discarded. so...OK...


maybe part of the current round of junk and static and general nastiness is...at least partly persecution? high IQ estimate, not flamboyantly gay (foppish! actually a massive upgrade!), healthy, and...

Romans 8:28 comes into play, big time. parents hit the well to do/lower rungs of upper class. not rich, not middle class. OK. the "Schizophrenia" label, in my situation (only because of Jesus and wonderful parents) = in all likelihood, a better quality of life than I ever would have had, trying to somehow make a go of things in the world. funny, that. its not a deluxe "crazy check" or anything, not that, its....

I dunno. all of a sudden, lots of people decided that I "have Schizophrenia," and now....

I am -not- really a member of society, but I kind of see...due to sin, satan, self (admittedly...), and the world...

the only roles society had for me by age 25 or so were: impoverished "reject" (actual nickname round these parts....) or maybe, just maybe, a group home and never ending behavioral modification. ugh. thing is...

I read somewhere that "Schizophrenia," in particular, is sort of like saying...not fully responsible, not really a member of society. so, again: the label is what the world has for me, now, and Jesus (merciful! loving! kind!) has seen fit to make a label that essentially means "non-entity" into part of what has led to a life...

truly worth living, and meaningful...quiet and increasingly peaceful.

but, yeah...lonely, but not alone. truth? I haven't prayed, out loud, in ages. no drugs or drink and I believe and I'm not being crazy insane worldly, just...

sometimes, I wonder if I misunderstood Jesus and the nature of what He's about, and my prayers (thankfully...) were heard and many were answered, its just...


quiet is good, too. quiet and taking in little, wholesome devotionals and writing and reading and not idolizing select Bible verses and/or Big Ideas from Very Important Men (Calvinism! Methodism! Holiness!) so much as...

reflecting, I suppose? maybe this is part of the "pruning" process I've heard some ministers refer to...

He is the vine and we are the branches. As we remain in Him and abide in Him...pruning is...to be expected. no church people friends, lower meds, no contact from anyone from "back then," and...

a time of being lonely, but not alone? thanks for reading. prayers and support, encouragement...always appreciated.

 

[Christ_empowered]

me, again.

my alarm went off today. -eek- I actually got a call from my dad. I'd left my place and headed on over to my parents' house. apparently, the big time alarm-- the one that goes with the front door-- had somehow been triggered. I'd been gone all of 10 minutes, maybe (?), and the monitoring company (nothing fancy, btw...one of those new, DIY ones that you can add components on to, as needed...) had "notified the authorities..."

so I turned around and went back to my place. a cop knocked on my door, I explained the situation. he checked my ID against my address, and then went on about his day. thankfully, he didn't seem...irritated or anything. false alarm, I guess? I dunno...

ended up going to my parents' place. parents are...amazing. mama is...well, predictably, maternal...and dad's awesome too, more action-oriented and all. did I mention that I'm 37? lol. "Schizophrenia," which...ugh. don't know what to make of it, honestly.

how cruel and fallen is the world? people openly say "he needs to be in the --state hospital-- ," and I have a high IQ estimate now and I'm healthy, no felonies, haven't been arrested in over 9 years, no drugs or drink, and...

accept it for what it is, I suppose. --ouch-- my parents are --not-- rich, but I think seeing an outcast/scapegoat with clear access to resources and such -- not that I live luxe or anything, not the point -- rubs a lot of people the wrong way. how do I put this, reasonably tactfully...

by wearing decent clothes and having my own place (modest, but nice!) and having...freedom (blessing!), at all...I'm "uppity." that's what I'm thinking. and the world's way of dealing with "uppity mental patients" ? hospitals. no money to be made thru a private facility, then use the state hospital. ugh. is any of this "mental health" mumbo jumbo...real? helpful to me or any other "patient" ? -ugh-

but I had a good outing with mama and I got the impression...not everyone is terrible. a young lady at WalMart went the extra mile and helped me bag all my cold stuff into a reusable tote bag. and the under the breath comments, here and there...

a kind of "welcome to the real world" - type realization: its not all about social class. poor and working class people can be just as cold hearted and cruel as middle and upper class types. I think that realization has been sinking in, ever so gradually...part of the reason I vote democrat and all, but I don't think socialism is really a worthwhile goal. not to ramble, but...

people with less would rip me to shreds again just as surely as people with more would stomp upon me once again, and at least here, where God has me for now (and, honestly, foreseeable future)...

my parents are high status enough that I can kind of...float through. I overhear people call it "special treatment," sometimes, which...frightens me. no psych hospitalizations in nearly 15 years (!), no arrests in over 9 years (!), and I just breeze into a clinic for med checks (down to every 4 months!), counseling when the counselor wants to see me, and...

"special treatment" ? another example of "reality" : they're probably correct, because the "point" is often not so much to help someone stay in society, learn greater degrees of self-control and such, but rather...

to control and add more and more labels, more and more punishment, more and more stigma...even if it is a inefficient, cruel, and a massive waste of resources. "real world" ? yeah...all is not as it seems, I'm afraid. :-(

thanking God for His mercy and Love.