milenarider
Member
I just signed up for this forum, and i truly believe it wasn't accidental. There is so much to say, I will start going into reading all the posts within the forum, but for the first time ever I have this feeling that I found a place for myself where I can talk to people who will understand me. I would really like to finally meet a Christian guy who will consider me more than just a person to have sex with... if that makes sense... I would like to say that my dad was an alcoholic, so growing up having him in the house drunk, seeing how much trouble he caused to my mom, made me be scared of the guys, and eventually every time I am with a guy, every time I see him drinking and seeing his emotions after the alcohol freaks me out, and in a second i change my feelings from 'in love' to being 'out of love' , and I am 24 now, I am scared that it's gonna be always like that... I can't overcome my fear of giving someone a chance to show me that he will be different than my dad was...
My last boyfriend was Canadian, and we first met on facebook in the group of people who share the same b'days. And we were one of them who share the exact same b'day. Everything was nice and beautiful, we started sending msgs first, then talking on a web-cam, and writing letters. It looked all perfect, I don't know if you can have feeling for someone you've never met in your life, but i think i did have feeling for him, cause i thought I found really this guy who went through all those things in his life ( he was a men slut, taking drugs, drinking excessively big amounts of alcohol) but of course I wanted to give him a chance, and he was assuring me all the time that he has changed, and he was a totally different person now. However, every time we would talk on the we-cam he would always had a beer in his hand and smoking, although he was saying that it's just a beer, and he would easily put it away. But of course it didn't happen. Then, we started having those communications problems, either mic on skype didn't work, or we lost the internet connection, and later on i started to have less time for him. When i was off work, done with all my exams, and assignment, I started to go to the gym more often, meet friends, go out a bit with friends and have pics with my men friends, and later I had all those fights from my boyfriend for those pics with them FOR apparently them putting their hand on my shoulders... And then, I saw him bursting with anger on the web cam, and throwing things around like a mad person... I didn't know what to think, and once at night he called me to say that his housemate grabbed him and broke his now for no reason... He called me at 4 am in the morning to tell me that ( He was in Canada, I live in England, i couldn't do anything, and he was after few drink from what he told me)...
The next day he said "lets forget about it"... and that would happen every time we had a fight...he would say lets forget about it, and then did the same thing.
On the way of our 'getting to know each other' we wanted to meet each other, so we came up with a great idea of him coming to Poland, and I picked up the idea of paying half of his ticket. I am originally from Poland, but when I was 19 and didn't get into the university there, I left Poland, lived in America for a bit, then came to England to study, and work at the same time. I wanted to finally get some rest from my family, from my dad, and everything that was surrounding me there... So i got his ticket for August ( i will be during the summer in Poland) and then he paid me bk half of the money, sending it through Western Union. But I couldn't take it any longer, constant fights, him controlling me, and inflicting his feelings on me ( he was saying " I love you" so many times to me that eventually this expression lost any sense to me, it was just an empty word for me that i had to say cause we both had the commitment of meeting one another in Poland in August. However, three weeks ago, I told him that it's over between me, and him because I don't feel anything. And distance made it worse, the only thing i felt to him was the keyboard under my fingers. I don't know whether it has anything in common ( i know that it has and it scared me more) that he was a non-believer. I have this constant feeling in my heart that guys that truly believe in God will be so different than this one, and every time I found out that someone is a non-believer automatically turns a red- light in my heart.. Although, my dad apparently believes in God and he did all those bad things to my mom, and to his children...
But another different thing that many people in Poland go to the church just to show themselves in front of others, and do all the bad things when being out of church, but just because the support the church financially, there are great citizens, and always get salvation from them... how bizarre is that... another thing why i left Poland. My mom would always impose faith on me, and made me go to church just to be a nice daughter, and i felt so much relieved when i left Poland and could get to know God on my own. I know i found him now, but i didn't go to church, and still don't go to church so often. Here in England I don't go to church at all, but when I was in the States, I would love to go to Christian churches and praise the Lord through singing... I play myself the guitar, saxophone and drums, and I recently got to the point that when i sing for God, I am never afraid to open my heart and sing. However, I am still getting to the point that I would really like to find a guy that will be so different than others, and at the same time aren't I expecting too much? Maybe I am looking for a perfect one that doesn't exist, or I am looking in the wrong places... I didn't find him at church, on the internet, definitely not in the club... I am really lost now, I don't think about it too much because I am going home in just one day so I will spend lots of time with family and friends, but I still have this feeling that most of my friends in Poland are 24 now, have already got married, and I don't even have a boyfriend. How odd is that... I feel really lost now, but I still have my faith in Him, and I know it will be the way he wants it.
At the same time, I think that love doesn't know the borders, and I believe in a long-distance love, meeting someone from another country, but definitely love has to live together to survive...
Please give me some advice on it, anyone feels the same way?
My last boyfriend was Canadian, and we first met on facebook in the group of people who share the same b'days. And we were one of them who share the exact same b'day. Everything was nice and beautiful, we started sending msgs first, then talking on a web-cam, and writing letters. It looked all perfect, I don't know if you can have feeling for someone you've never met in your life, but i think i did have feeling for him, cause i thought I found really this guy who went through all those things in his life ( he was a men slut, taking drugs, drinking excessively big amounts of alcohol) but of course I wanted to give him a chance, and he was assuring me all the time that he has changed, and he was a totally different person now. However, every time we would talk on the we-cam he would always had a beer in his hand and smoking, although he was saying that it's just a beer, and he would easily put it away. But of course it didn't happen. Then, we started having those communications problems, either mic on skype didn't work, or we lost the internet connection, and later on i started to have less time for him. When i was off work, done with all my exams, and assignment, I started to go to the gym more often, meet friends, go out a bit with friends and have pics with my men friends, and later I had all those fights from my boyfriend for those pics with them FOR apparently them putting their hand on my shoulders... And then, I saw him bursting with anger on the web cam, and throwing things around like a mad person... I didn't know what to think, and once at night he called me to say that his housemate grabbed him and broke his now for no reason... He called me at 4 am in the morning to tell me that ( He was in Canada, I live in England, i couldn't do anything, and he was after few drink from what he told me)...
The next day he said "lets forget about it"... and that would happen every time we had a fight...he would say lets forget about it, and then did the same thing.
On the way of our 'getting to know each other' we wanted to meet each other, so we came up with a great idea of him coming to Poland, and I picked up the idea of paying half of his ticket. I am originally from Poland, but when I was 19 and didn't get into the university there, I left Poland, lived in America for a bit, then came to England to study, and work at the same time. I wanted to finally get some rest from my family, from my dad, and everything that was surrounding me there... So i got his ticket for August ( i will be during the summer in Poland) and then he paid me bk half of the money, sending it through Western Union. But I couldn't take it any longer, constant fights, him controlling me, and inflicting his feelings on me ( he was saying " I love you" so many times to me that eventually this expression lost any sense to me, it was just an empty word for me that i had to say cause we both had the commitment of meeting one another in Poland in August. However, three weeks ago, I told him that it's over between me, and him because I don't feel anything. And distance made it worse, the only thing i felt to him was the keyboard under my fingers. I don't know whether it has anything in common ( i know that it has and it scared me more) that he was a non-believer. I have this constant feeling in my heart that guys that truly believe in God will be so different than this one, and every time I found out that someone is a non-believer automatically turns a red- light in my heart.. Although, my dad apparently believes in God and he did all those bad things to my mom, and to his children...
But another different thing that many people in Poland go to the church just to show themselves in front of others, and do all the bad things when being out of church, but just because the support the church financially, there are great citizens, and always get salvation from them... how bizarre is that... another thing why i left Poland. My mom would always impose faith on me, and made me go to church just to be a nice daughter, and i felt so much relieved when i left Poland and could get to know God on my own. I know i found him now, but i didn't go to church, and still don't go to church so often. Here in England I don't go to church at all, but when I was in the States, I would love to go to Christian churches and praise the Lord through singing... I play myself the guitar, saxophone and drums, and I recently got to the point that when i sing for God, I am never afraid to open my heart and sing. However, I am still getting to the point that I would really like to find a guy that will be so different than others, and at the same time aren't I expecting too much? Maybe I am looking for a perfect one that doesn't exist, or I am looking in the wrong places... I didn't find him at church, on the internet, definitely not in the club... I am really lost now, I don't think about it too much because I am going home in just one day so I will spend lots of time with family and friends, but I still have this feeling that most of my friends in Poland are 24 now, have already got married, and I don't even have a boyfriend. How odd is that... I feel really lost now, but I still have my faith in Him, and I know it will be the way he wants it.
At the same time, I think that love doesn't know the borders, and I believe in a long-distance love, meeting someone from another country, but definitely love has to live together to survive...
Please give me some advice on it, anyone feels the same way?
