Lost trust in my marriage

[shfam]

Hi,

I have been married for 12yrs. When our marriage first started out, I adored my husband. He was my best friend. When he would return home from work I would run to greet him at the door. I was so in love with him. I used to feel that I could talk to him about anything and everything. I thought he was the most
loving and caring person. A few years ago, I found out otherwise. I found out that he never truly loved me. He lied to me. We are still together but I can't talk to him like I used to and I often feel alone. I have thought about divorce but we have 4 children and I can't do that to them. We have gone to counseling but nothing has changed. How can I live with someone knowing they don't love me? He expects me to be intimate with him but how do I do that when there is no love involved. I don't know how to relate to him anymore. I wish I could turn back time and live in those first years we had together. I want to be adored and adore him again. I hate that I've lost my best friend. Thanks for listening.

 

[gefsgirl]

Hi,

I have been married for 12yrs. When our marriage first started out, I adored my husband. He was my best friend. When he would return home from work I would run to greet him at the door. I was so in love with him. I used to feel that I could talk to him about anything and everything. I thought he was the most
loving and caring person. A few years ago, I found out otherwise. I found out that he never truly loved me. He lied to me. We are still together but I can't talk to him like I used to and I often feel alone. I have thought about divorce but we have 4 children and I can't do that to them. We have gone to counseling but nothing has changed. How can I live with someone knowing they don't love me? He expects me to be intimate with him but how do I do that when there is no love involved. I don't know how to relate to him anymore. I wish I could turn back time and live in those first years we had together. I want to be adored and adore him again. I hate that I've lost my best friend. Thanks for listening.

Hi shfam :waving

Out of a desire to help, I would like to ask: can you tell me what you mean by the bolded text? What happened to make you conclude that he never loved you? Did he just come out and tell you that? In what way did he lie to you?

If you are not comfortable answering on this thread, feel free to PM me.

I hope I can help. Maybe I will have some insight that can help you.

 

[handy]

I have to agree with gefsgirl... it's difficult to know what the issue truly is here....

What was the lie about?

 

[Tri Unity]

People can become disillusioned with life and with themselves and lash out at the ones they love. What they think or say cannot always be taken on face value. People can have hidden sins that make them depressed, and they can reject you as a defense mechanism to shield themselves from rejection. Life can be complicated. That is why God asks us to follow Him with all our mind, heart, soul and strength. This first command is for our protection. If we don't do this then we find that the tormentors have rights over us. I've been through this stuff. It ain't easy! God uses the fire to refine us. Any impure thoughts or actions get purged one way or another. We either heal ourselves through surrender to God or we pay a heavier price. We lose loved ones this way. That is a heavy price.

 

[shfam]

My husband was into pornography and to me it's the same as cheating on me. I lost total trust in him.

 

[thisnumbersdisconnected]

My husband was into pornography and to me it's the same as cheating on me. I lost total trust in him.

I know this thread thus far has been women only, but may I please offer the perspective of a man who is also an addictions counselor?

Pornography is every bit the addiction that drugs, alcohol or compulsive gambling are. This does not excuse the behavior. Addicts can abstain, they choose not to, and there is always an underlying reason for their use. Addictions, essentially, is self-medication of psychological and social disorders the user has never been able to deal with, many times because they don't know how and they don't feel comfortable seeking help.

Your husband's love for you is hidden under this addiction. Yes, porn is the same thing as cheating on you, but even if he had done that, the biblical perspective is to offer him forgiveness and seek restoration of your marriage. I know you feel betrayed. If he was a drunk or a cocaine addict, you would feel equally betrayed, but I believe (based on what your early marital relationship was like) you would try to get him help.

This is what you should pray about and endeavor to do for this addiction. Believe me, he is ashamed and hurting about his addiction, even if he doesn't express those feelings. Addicts are defensive. Their thinking is, "If I don't admit my problem, then it isn't a problem," but we all know the lie of that thought.

Don't go behind his back to seek help. Talk with him, express your own hurt and sorrow over this addiction, find it in your heart to stand by him and help him get help. Buy the book "Every Man's Battle" by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker and Mike Yorkey and read it for yourself as well as offering it to him to read. I believe both of you will find relief in what you find there.

God bless you both, and I will be praying for you. If you have questions you don't want to ask in an open forum, feel free to PM me.

 

[handy]

I know this thread thus far has been women only, but may I please offer the perspective of a man who is also an addictions counselor?

Pornography is every bit the addiction that drugs, alcohol or compulsive gambling are. This does not excuse the behavior. Addicts can abstain, they choose not to, and there is always an underlying reason for their use. Addictions, essentially, is self-medication of psychological and social disorders the user has never been able to deal with, many times because they don't know how and they don't feel comfortable seeking help.

Your husband's love for you is hidden under this addiction. Yes, porn is the same thing as cheating on you, but even if he had done that, the biblical perspective is to offer him forgiveness and seek restoration of your marriage. I know you feel betrayed. If he was a drunk or a cocaine addict, you would feel equally betrayed, but I believe (based on what your early marital relationship was like) you would try to get him help.

This is what you should pray about and endeavor to do for this addiction. Believe me, he is ashamed and hurting about his addiction, even if he doesn't express those feelings. Addicts are defensive. Their thinking is, "If I don't admit my problem, then it isn't a problem," but we all know the lie of that thought.

Don't go behind his back to seek help. Talk with him, express your own hurt and sorrow over this addiction, find it in your heart to stand by him and help him get help. Buy the book "Every Man's Battle" by Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker and Mike Yorkey and read it for yourself as well as offering it to him to read. I believe both of you will find relief in what you find there.

God bless you both, and I will be praying for you. If you have questions you don't want to ask in an open forum, feel free to PM me.

I agree with so much of this.

I think your marriage is worth working on and that the two of you can overcome this. It will take openess, forgiveness and, on his part, a willingness to seek help for what the above poster very correctly calls an addiction.

Some questions to consider:

Has he asked forgiveness... does he feel shame over this... does he acknowledge how much this has hurt you...

If the answers to the above questions are yes... then there is a lot of hope that your marriage can come back even stronger than before.

 

[shfam]

Thank you for your replies.

I do want things to work out for us. I want us to be able to talk like we used
to and be able to trust him.

I just don't want to be viewed as an object. Like I'm some girl in a magazine. I want to be truly loved and cherished by him, the way I used to feel.

 

[Danus]

Here is the best marriage advice I ever received from the pastor performed the ceremony for my first wife and I. (yes I'm divorced and remarried, many years ago)

He said to us; "Marriage is work. It is a conscious effort, as are all relationships, and you are 100% responsible for your marriage. You are 100% responsible for the love you put in or take away. You are 100% responsible for how you react to the other person, what you think, and what you do, and the boundaries you set, or do not set. The only problem with this truth is that one person wants the others person to understand it. Which only means they have not understanding of it themselves."

And that was all the counceling we got, and after the divorce I finally understood it.

 

[WIP]

I have been divorced and remarried. Two years after our marriage my first wife suddenly told me that she felt we needed to separate. I was shocked! I had no clue we were having such difficulty. I later learned that there was another man in the picture. In fact, during our six month separation there were at least three other men that I became aware of. We eventually decided to try and work on our marriage and keep it together. We were together another five years before I finally asked her for a divorced after I discovered she was once again visiting the grass on the other side of the fence.

Now, 20+ years later and looking back on things I have come to realize that I am as much responsible for our failure as she was. Oh, I blamed her for years. I was the innocent jilted bystander treated unfairly. The truth is, after our initial separation I never got past the trust issue. I never felt that I could ever trust her anymore and as a result I didn't do my part and without that trust, our marriage was doomed for failure.

We can't force our mates to love us. We can't force our mates to care about saving our marriage. We can't control our mates feelings, desires, or commitment. What we can do is control our own desires, feelings, and commitments.

Like it is with God; trust and faith are paramount in any relationship. You love him and want to save your marriage. Don't look at his addiction as something hurtful being done to you but rather something that is hurting and controlling him like an illness. Get past feeling sorry for yourself and start supporting him in his recovery and fight against this evil. The final question remaining is, does he see his own disease and does he want to fight it?

 

[duari91]

Thank you for your replies.

I do want things to work out for us. I want us to be able to talk like we used
to and be able to trust him.

I just don't want to be viewed as an object. Like I'm some girl in a magazine. I want to be truly loved and cherished by him, the way I used to feel.

Pornography is something millions of men struggle with worldwide. Generally, this happens when the man is trying to replace what he may not be getting from you physically(sometimes). Was your sex life healthy? Did you ever deny him on a regular basis? Or did your sex life begin to dwindle as time went on? You see, men build up sexual frustration rather quickly. It doesnt just go away for us, so we generally need a release.

If he is addicted to pornography, I suggest seeing a counselor. Someone who may specialize in addictions. It is something that he will find difficult to kick, but with help and support from you, he should be able to do it.

To make it very clear, he isn't necessarily doing this because he loves you any less. It seems to me that he just got caught up in it, and became addicted. If he loves you, he will be willing to work and try and kick the addiction. Seems like all he is trying to do is release his sexual frustration, only he has become addicted to the method...

 

[joethemechanic]

At the risk of being a bit blunt here is what I know as a 50 something guy.

It might not be about attraction to the women in the porn. He might have a fantasy that he is ashamed to talk to you about because he fears that you will reject him. Those women in the pornography are "safe" because there is no risk of rejection.

It's all about getting him to open up. But he's got to feel safe. If he thinks you will still love him, and you will not talk about it to anyone else he just might be able to open up.

It's kinda funny because once whatever the secret is is out, even if it is just to you, it loses it's power. If he can feel safe sharing it with you, he might find he loses his desire for whatever it is. These kind of demons feed off of secrecy and the shame that goes along with it.

 

[abide]

Hi,

I have been married for 12yrs. When our marriage first started out, I adored my husband. He was my best friend. When he would return home from work I would run to greet him at the door. I was so in love with him. I used to feel that I could talk to him about anything and everything. I thought he was the most
loving and caring person. A few years ago, I found out otherwise. I found out that he never truly loved me. He lied to me. We are still together but I can't talk to him like I used to and I often feel alone. I have thought about divorce but we have 4 children and I can't do that to them. We have gone to counseling but nothing has changed. How can I live with someone knowing they don't love me? He expects me to be intimate with him but how do I do that when there is no love involved. I don't know how to relate to him anymore. I wish I could turn back time and live in those first years we had together. I want to be adored and adore him again. I hate that I've lost my best friend. Thanks for listening.

What did he say to cause you to think that he has lost his love. If he wants to be intimate, it means that he still wants to be close to you. Most of the time when men are not interested in intimacy they may be having an affair.

If someone told you that he does not love you...ignore them. Unless you hear from his mouth, I think it would foolish to just believe it. You have four children, you said that you have gone to counselling. Only you would know whether something has happened to cause the spark to go. What if you heard from someone that he does not love you and the person is jealous of you and your family. You have a husband and four children and for some women, this can cause jealousy. If it is a man perhaps he is interested in you. Since none of us knows the details. The best thing is to continue to go to counsel. Ask your husband honestly why the spark has gone. Ask him and tell him you want his to be honest with you.

Seek God's help and do not give up. God can intervene in any situation.
HE IS ABLE. All the best to you.

 

[shfam]

Thank you all for your advice. My husband sat down and really talked to one another and I shared about what I was feeling. We both agreed that we needed more counseling and we are taking steps in the right direction.

 

[reba]

Praying you follow through.... Lots of good advice here.....

 

[Stone-yarder]

At the root core of having a resentment what we are really struggling with is "forgiveness" We hang on to those feelings of "betrayal" because they continue to perpetuate and justify our resentment. A viscious circle indeed.

 

[dinoguy]

Pornography is something millions of men struggle with worldwide. You see, men build up sexual frustration rather quickly. It doesnt just go away for us, so we generally need a release.

To make it very clear, he isn't necessarily doing this because he loves you any less. It seems to me that he just got caught up in it, and became addicted. If he loves you, he will be willing to work and try and kick the addiction. Seems like all he is trying to do is release his sexual frustration, only he has become addicted to the method...

This is excellent advice. I think women underestimate how much sex drive men in general have and how beautiful they find women's bodies. I'm not into porn, but I assume he knows these women are not real and the fact that he looks at this stuff has nothing to do with how he feels about you.

Sometimes I wonder if Christian men are not more prone to getting caught up in this than non-believers. Assuming he marries at 25, that is like 10 years of very strong sexual feelings he has to repress or otherwise deal with before he can act on them in a way that God approves of. The non-believer can just go to a bar and bring back a drunk girl to his room, but the believer has to find some other way of coping, so he starts looking at this stuff. But then when he is married he can't shake the habit.