Love of my life left me, and I'm devastated

[Nathan Kendall]

Hello. I'm a 21 year old male in the Daytona Beach area of Florida. This is going to be pretty long, so allow me to explain my circumstance.

When I was in high school, I was a christian but didn't act like it. One of my friends asked me what kind of a girl I would like and I didn't answer, but I had a mental image of one (physically) and what I wanted most of all was someone compassionate that can turn me around.

I graduated in 2008, and over the summer, I didn't get any better, and I prayed to God for him to change my habits. It turns out that a friend of mine (girl) who was dating one of my best friends started to talk to me online. She was having problems with him, and I said that they should either get along if they still like each other, or give it a break. She went with the latter. She went on the forums I used to get on, and criticized how I spoke (I cursed and such). I felt convicted, and it was exactly what I wanted. We started to meet, and I realized she was EVERYTHING I ever wanted in a girl, down to the physical attraction and everything. We fell in love, I told her she was the one for me, and I would want to stick by her.

We dated for a year and a half. 2009 was great, but 2010 had troubles. Over time, I realized how awful she treats her parents, how angry she gets, how she avoids problems instead of approaching them, and how we were having bad communication. I would always bring up the problems, and this would stir an argument and she was tired of it. We got marriage counseling, which started to help and attacked our problems, but then it just resurfaced because I could tell she was still getting angry and didn't work out her end of the relationship. She broke up with me, telling me she didnt want to date, and needed a breather. This would be good for us, I figured.

Very soon, she started to date one of my best friends, who moved to Texas, so its an online relationship. She does make some trips to Texas, and thats where I realized what was happening. Nobody told me this, I had to ask about it. I felt backstabbed, cheated on, lied to, and heart broken. They both said they were starting a relationship, and to be honest... I would be fine with them dating (I just want her to be happy) if they were honest to me about it, but they said its none of my business.

But really, it is my business. She's everything to me, and doing this was uncalled for from both sides. I'm worried about her, because he's agnostic and doesn't believe in God, which is a red flag. His views are conflicting, and I even have memory and a log of written conversations we had where he literally said that "The bible is bull####. Just a bunch of nice stories."

He can change around of course, but when I dated her originally, I did not want to hurt my best friend and if he truly loved her, I thought he should get a chance with her. I also was worried about her parents, and I wanted to tell them I was in love with their daughter so I could get their blessing. This guy didn't do either of those, so I can tell where his heart is. He says he loves her, but this isn't real love to me, and he even admitted that he was taking advantage of the breakup. It's downright selfish, and I don't see what she sees in him.

She later apologized to me on facebook, and she said she still loves me, and we hugged that day. However, I guess I kept harassing her with my feelings, and she finally met me saying she will never love me again, and that we will never get married. Her friends that know her more than I do say that she'll come around if I give her space and time, and that she says things she doesnt mean when she's upset. However, I sent her a message one last time, requested an in person apology so I could tell her that I realized what I did with arguing, and I neglected to be a best friend in a relationship, and thats what I want now, to be best friends. She then deleted me off of facebook.

One of her friends say that this is unlike her, that she's always willing to work out problems. I told her that she said she changed, and she said her feelings for me changed. He said that nobody changes this quickly, this was just a buildup from the problems.

That was last Tuesday. Today is Friday. I'm now giving her space. I've got counseling at church, and one of the advisers said that I may have made her my idol, and that we should focus on God and ourselves for now. If we focus on God, everything will be okay. Unfortunately, I can tell she's being a rebel, and I have a hard time having faith. I believe God took her away from me so I can have a major faith booster and believe in what cannot be seen. Everything in my life has been based on faith that I can see. For example, her existence to me is proof that God exists. I think I need to trust God that he'll work on her heart, but if it doesn't that I need to move on with my life.

I also feel that God has technically promised me her hand in marriage, but just like God's people were told about the promised land, so is this. I feel if I don't keep my end of the bargain with God, that this will never happen.

I'm starting to move on and focus my passion and love I had for her to God now, but it still really hurts. I wake up in the morning, missing the physical passion we had, missing her smile, her spirit, everything about her. I knew there were problems, but I liked to look past that and think that it would get handled eventually. I want to remain faithful to her, and I thought she wanted the same until she broke up with me. My heart is still heavy without her, but I realize that I was too co-dependent on her and that I need to live a life on my own, and that I don't need her.

She doesn't want to think about marriage, and she says she's finding herself. I'm not upset about that, I'm upset with her attitude against her parents. They did not want this to happen. I'm praying that God can work on her heart so she can see the truth. The truth that I really loved her and valued her more than anything. I'm not trying to sound biased, but I truly believe I was meant for her. The way I feel about her, I will never leave her and I always want to support her. I want to remove all selfishness and just serve her.

Please, post any help, advice, faith tips, what I can do, and anything uplifting.

 

[PouringRain]

When I was in high school, I was a christian but didn't act like it. One of my friends asked me what kind of a girl I would like and I didn't answer, but I had a mental image of one (physically) and what I wanted most of all was someone compassionate that can turn me around.

1) I'd stay away from depending on physical attributes to determine what type of person you want to marry one day. What you have in mind may not be what God has in mind for you. What is on the outside does not last, but what is in the heart does. Proverbs 31:30 "Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised." To form mental images of what you want physically in a woman is the wrong approach to take starting out.

I realize you were young when you did this, and you are still young, but it is never too late to start looking for the right things.

2) You were looking for a woman to turn you around. That is the second problem. Only God can turn you around. Seek God first, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Forget about women or expecting them to change you. Look to God for that. Learn to lean on him, and walk with him. Before ever looking for a woman, first become the man that God wants you to be.

It sounds as though the woman you feel is the right one, was not the one to turn you around. It sounds as though she has problems of her own. Dr. Myles Munroe would describe the two of you as two incomplete people looking for someone to complete you. Instead, you need to first become whole and complete within yourself.

I've got counseling at church, and one of the advisers said that I may have made her my idol, and that we should focus on God and ourselves for now.I think I need to trust God that he'll work on her heart, but if it doesn't that I need to move on with my life.

Absolutely......... except...... do not hang on to a hope that God will bring her back to you. As long as you keep doing that, you are still hanging onto the "idol". You must truly learn to let go and let God. You can pray for her and her salvation-- but if you only pray in hopes that she will return to you, then your motives are selfish, and true love does not seek its own. So, pray for her, with a pure motive of wanting her to know God. And move on with your life. If....... (big if) she is what God wants for you, then he will bring her to you in his time-- not your time, and on his terms-- not yours, and it will only be after you have learned to let her go and seek him completely first. Otherwise, she is nothing more than a test, and she will pull you away from God. When your desires for God are greater than any desires you have for her-- then you have accomplished what you needed to accomplish through all of this.

I also feel that God has technically promised me her hand in marriage, but just like God's people were told about the promised land, so is this. I feel if I don't keep my end of the bargain with God, that this will never happen.

We must be careful not to think that our will is God's will for us. I am not saying that this is not God's will, just to be careful not to impose your will on God. Too often Christians do this and then they curse God when things fail. Seek God first, and for now, forget about her. God may have something much better in store for you if you can just seek him and be patient. Or, if he does have plans for you and this girl, then he will accomplish it in his time and in his methods-- not by anything of your doing. And only after you have first sought after him fully and completely.

I'm starting to move on and focus my passion and love I had for her to God now, but it still really hurts.My heart is still heavy without her, but I realize that I was too co-dependent on her and that I need to live a life on my own, and that I don't need her.

The hurt will take time to heal. You have bonded yourself to her, and now must break that bond. God can help you heal, and can help bear your burdens with all this pain you feel.

I want to remove all selfishness and just serve her.

Only serve God, not her. But, yes, to removing all selfishness.






There is a book that I like to recommend. It is a really good book, and has some super good things (even though I do not agree with something he says at the beginning LOL). But it is certainly worth purchasing or checking out and reading. Amazon.com: Single, Married, Separated and Life after Divorce (9780768422023): Myles Munroe: Books: Reviews, Prices & more

 

[sherri2]

I second a lot of the above post, especially the part about wanting someone who would 'turn you around'.

Life just doesn't work like that. If you'll 'change' for another persons love, when the problems come (which they will) that 'change' will change back, because the motivating factor has gone. You need to change for you, because you want to. Trying to hang off someone elses coat tails in this area will just bleed you dry.

All it takes is the right motivation or the right buttons pushed......and

you're back where you started. Also the bible tells us to be equally yoked. If you're relying on someone else to pull the both of you, that puts too much pressure on them and can wear them down or even out. It's very selfish and completly unfair.

If you love this girl, let her go. If she messes up her life, her choice. Just repent of your part in it. I'm not trying to beat you up here but it sounds like you really need some space from her just to learn to stand stronger as a christian yourself. You didn't make it specific but I take it that you two were sleeping together from your post. If that's the case, no wonder your heart is breaking.

I can only pray and suggest that you cut contact for your own peace of mind and start getting the space you need to heal. This is a dangerous time for rebound relationships too, and not only that, if she really is rebelling, which she sounds to be, her rebound if this relationship disintegrates. If she comes back crying and begging for forgiveness, but unrepentent for her actions and rejection of her faith, she could take you down with her if you arn't careful.

God has to come first. Nothing else works in the christian faith. It's your choice, but you need to start healing and forgiving and getting things aligned properly in your life if you're going to walk away from this.

I feel for you,
but you've been very wrong in your approach and love for this girl.

All the best with it.

I'll be praying for you.

Sherri

 

[sherri2]

PS. And the way this kind of co-dependent relationship will bleed you dry is by bleeding her dry. Because that's what happens over time. She gets weaker and weaker and gets to the point where she can no longer support you both. When that happens you've lost your source.

When you've lost your source, you can no longer stand, and not only that, you don't have the ability to stand even if you want to, because you've formed so many relationship patterns that are parasitic. You wear out your own strength doing that because you weaken and destroy the patterns that enable you to stand when you should. So she's dry and you're crippled.
Not healthy.

This sounds awful but it's life. We can't get by on other peoples character and strength. Guys hate it when women do it to them. The whole nagging, whining, pressure, stress thing, and it doesn't work when the role is switched either. It'll destroy anyone locked in it.

You need to forgive yourself and forgive her - for EVERYTHING she did that was wrong in this relationship. Even unknowingly. You've both suffered and God loves you both very dearly and wants to heal you. Let him.



PPS. People can inspire us but we can never use them as a crutch. Never. It just can't work. As christians we're called to 'carry each others burdens' but that doesn't mean allowing them to destroy us or drag us down.

 

[jforjesus]

hey friend, i went thru the same exact thing. she sounds just like my ex..they can seem very selfish, its hard for them to see outside themselves. You must understand that you can't change how she thinks or change how she deals with the relationship. You can only change your thoughts and in this situation you must change how you view it, distance yourself from her mentally and physically and think about you only-standing on your own. This ultimately will put you at the same interest level as she (hers is lower now) and give you power again-it can't be one-sided. When she sees this she will respect you again. Once you're at this level then think about the relationship as a whol-it will look totally different to you.

Worship God not other people-this was your mistake, ask God for forgiviness of this sin and watch things work out for the good..no matter what happens with her..

things are only as important as we want them to be..

stay strong brother

 

[Nathan Kendall]

Thanks guys. This is the best advice I've been hearing so far. I seriously love all of you. You have no idea.

It's strange how I say I want to serve her. It's how I describe my passion for her. It's not her physical attraction that got me into her, it was only a plus. Also to be clear, that I was a little unsure about my faith too, and when God put her in front of me... at the time I thought, "She is physical evidence that there is a God."

I told this to a friend, and he put it this way.

"God probably took her away from you because you're still faithless. Try believing him without seeing it. If you believe you two were meant to be, you must put ALL of your faith in it."

Essentially, God is jealous and I only wanted her to turn me around so I could turn to him. It did work, but I don't believe she was ever holding me down, except for when she argued with her parents and friends. Our problem was communication. Now she's out with one of my friends, who selfishly dated her behind my back (needless to say we're not friends, but I forgive him), and he's not Christian. I'm so worried about how she'll turn out. It feels she's already drifting away from the Lord.

I fell in love with her because she had that Christian conviction that I was seeking. You know, "Don't do this thus sayeth the Lord" sort-of deal, just without that exact quotes. I truly felt she made me stronger, and I just wanted to return the favor. It's strange, because it's not something I want to do, but something I feel I need to do, like it's my calling. I feel we are meant to be, but right now, we've both been faithless, if not, we still are. She's out on a rebound, and I know it's not good for her, but what can I do? Nothing. This is what I believe God has done. He's emptied our hands so we can do things the RIGHT way. I believe if we both turn to him, we'll come back together and it'll work out.

Basically, right now, I'm having these struggles:

1) I doubt. I do feel God promised her to me, but like his promises (read Exodus), sometimes we may not hold up our end of the deal and they don't happen. I do not want to be like that. I don't want to "hit the rock twice", so to speak. I want to be faithful to God, which was my intention from the beginning. What if I mess up? What if we get back together, and she just doesn't find me funny, or likes how I changed? God knows my desire and my desire really is not a selfish one. I just want to love and give myself to her. My entire passion is just to give. I do not want anything to gain. I want to love unconditionally, and she's been a major step in this. I want to give it all back, and I pray God will give me this chance, but like I said I doubt. I sometimes question if God can do this. It's foolish sounding I know.

2) My priorities and myself. I can't seem to get a grip on my life now. My whole motivation is to be like a good husband. Now that it's compromised, where is my motivation? I need God to kick me in the rear here! I need to prove that I can do it without her, and I need God to help me.

3) Tug of war. I need God to tug on my heart. Easily, I might become angered, or depressed because of this. I know this does not make me look strong, and this causes a chain reaction to where I doubt again. I need God to mold me almost to spiritual perfection. I want to be so Godly lovable that she can see this and want it.

I don't necessarily want to marry her, I just want someone who loves her as much as I do to end up with her. She's a great Christian girl, but I just have this huge desire to be the one that helps lead her like a good husband. Everybody makes mistakes. I made mistakes, she helped mold them. I want to do the same too. The problem is, in our relationship, we did more "controlling" than "let God control".

Any continual helpful comments and advice are greatly appreciated. How do I let God help control my life? She last told me that although she's screwing up still, she still is trying to work on it. I don't see it of course, but maybe this is a part of my faith. I should just trust God in all this. This whole story is really loaded as to why I'm so sure we're meant to be, but I want to focus on the now. I know what's up ahead, I know what I need, but how do I get it? What steps do I need to take? What can I do to be a man of God? What bible verses, daily habits, hobbies should I look into?

I want to be a Secondary school teacher in 2-3 years just to note, so you can visualize how I want to serve God.

 

[JohnEboy1983]

Its been like a month and a half since your first posting. I wouldnt sit around any longer thinking about this girl. I had an ex fiance and I sat around 8 months and just about 5 or 6 of them I was crying at some point during my day over her. Its been 3 years now and I havent talked to her since we broke up. It caused a lot of stress and hurt day to day thinking about her. She didnt want anything to do with me anymore once we broke up. You may have done a lot of verbal abuse whether you realize it or not. Sometimes it really doesnt take much even if it doesnt even seem all that bad what your saying. I did this myself and when we broke up she said I was verbally abusive and I was thinking.. what is she talking about? So many factors can play into things. I would not get caught up in thinking she is the one or God has her for you any longer and torment yourself unless you were both allready married and trying to save a marriage. I felt the same way about my ex fiance, trust me. I thought God promised her to me and we were supposed to be together, etc. Go out and have fun in your life without her and I gurantee you will be so much more effective in serving God without tie downs like the burden you are carrying now. I know its really hard but you can get through it. I did. I can tell you right now what people have told me a long time. You need to work on your relationship with God first and then all things will be added unto you. I am single right now and have been since my ex fiance but God has brought me some great Joy and simply in him alone. I used to feel like I needed things or other people to satisfy me, but God truly does it alone.

I don't necessarily want to marry her, I just want someone who loves her as much as I do to end up with her.

I understand what you are saying, but because I have been there I also truly understand that you really dont want anybody else with her no matter how great they are because you still desire to be with her. It will still hurt you and probably even more so if you find out she ends up with a great guy because you are going to feel like you were unworthy of her. You just really need to let it go. This is very hard advice to take but this girl is keeping you in a certain spot tied down and you arent as effective as you can be in other areas of your life and arent going to grow like you should if your main focus is on her. You are making her an idol. Ill pray for you.

 

[Nathan Kendall]

I want to be done with it all. I believe she'll come back, but I can't get over this pain. I'm doing terribly in school, I'm overly stressed out, I'm showing borderline symptoms of emotional trauma, etc.

When I fail my classes, my parents will threaten me to stop paying, call me stupid, a failure, etc. There is no support from anyone. Friends are too busy, she's with another guy, my parents aren't supportive with me, so I'm just emotionally stuck. I want to refocus on God. She won't leave my mind, I'm just that in love with her, but I do agree that I need to stop focusing on trying to win her back. I just seriously can't get over this though.

I'm going to try getting counseling at church, find new hobbies, and what not. She wants to be friends which is a good thing, but I'm so emotionally unstable, it's not going to work. I'm praying for strength, courage, and wisdom. In the end, all I really want to do is show her I'm capable of loving her again. I want God to mold me to that point, but I can't seem to move from where I am...

 

[Deavonreye]

You know, . . . you sound a lot like me, back a little more than 3 years ago when my marriage was falling apart and I was doing all I could to "do the right thing", to "focus on god", to "cast my cares upon him", . . . to "let his will be done", . . . all the things you have stated here. I also had those extremely sad emotions, trying to bargin with god, with people, with her, . . . "wanting her to be happy", . . . but I'm here to tell you, as friendly as I can, that these feelings, beliefs [that god wants you and her to be together], and the negative effects they are having on your life . . . are going to really put a lot of harm on you.

Look, I am sorry that this happened to you. You may never fully recover, but [as I put this as nicely as I can] she isn't the one for you . . . or she would be WITH you. There will be another person out there that you will fall just as much in love with. You're young, going to school, you have a whole life ahead of you to be beaten down this much by her and your image of who she isn't, or no longer is. Don't do this to yourself! I know from painful experience that there is nothing you can do but improve yourself. These feelings are common, and you will have to experience the stages of grief, but in the future, you will look back at this point in your life and will be thankful that these "failures" brought you to where you will be then. . . . . . but you have to pull yourself together and start the healing.

So no, . . . don't "be her friend". You will never TRULY be able to "be her friend" with these feelings. Let her go. Contact her no more, even if she wants to, because most likely she will feed off of your high level of co-dependence, . . . even if she finds it unattractive [and girls do.]

Blessings.