Lust and Dating

[Pard]

Curious, Jesus said in Matthew 5:28, "But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." This is a true statement. I am curious, though, how does this pertain to dating? The clear implication in Jesus' words is that looking upon a woman [who is not your wife] in lust is adultery. In Jesus' time they didn't have one, two, three, and even four your courtships. It was pretty much "Jane meet Joe, Joe meet Jane. Your wedding is next Wednesday!" Not much courting involved, and clearly when you don't have to court you can abstain from lusting for the few days, but seriously years without it? That's just hard! Maybe I should become Hindu, get an arranged marriage and then convert my new (and never before met) wife to Christianity. That's be a lot easier on my lusting nature!

Any help here people?

 

[Tina]

The crux of the matter is that we all sin - man and woman - some more than others. You just ask for forgiveness if you think you have a lust problem and ask God to help you overcome this persistent temptation.


1 Corinthians 10:13
No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.



Before you set your mind on dating someone, always look to women like they are your sisters. I always look to men like they are my brothers. I don't go "Ooooohhh" or "Waahhhh" and start lusting after some good-looker. They are all "brothers" to me whether believer or unbelievers....

 

[Seeker]

This is a very, very important topic.

Before you set your mind on dating someone, always look to women like they are your sisters. I always look to men like they are my brothers. I don't go "Ooooohhh" or "Waahhhh" and start lusting after some good-looker. They are all "brothers" to me whether believer or unbelievers....

Hmm... I'm curious as to how men will [truthfully!] take to this suggestion. I can tell you that most males, after spending enough time with a young lady of similar age, will begin to appreciate certain things within her even if not her beauty. What I am trying to say, is that boys get attracted to girls - it's nature. It's the way God created us. And the mental faculties do not often have much influence over the tug of the heart, so trying to see them as "sisters" and yet spend long amounts of time with them (i.e. dating)... It's a little oxymoronic in reality.

I don't like the word "lust" because to me all it means is attraction that isn't controlled. How is it controlled? Either remove the stimulus (stop spending time with / thinking about them) or marry them (i.e. channel the attraction in a pure way).

 

[handy]

Either remove the stimulus (stop spending time with / thinking about them) or marry them (i.e. channel the attraction in a pure way).

I agree.

As you know, Pard... my husband and I believe in chaperoning. By keeping the dating/courting process in full view of other people, it will help control temptations.

I have to admit, I didn't view the guys I dated as "brothers"... or if I did, I didn't date them long because I wasn't attracted to them as possible husband material... Not knocking your advice, Tina, just that many might not look at things that way.

But, when spending time with someone that one is attracted to, it's best to
a: limit time spent alone
b: develop the relationship fully... don't just wallow in the physical attraction, come to learn the person.
and c: take every thought captive.

I do feel for you kids today... society has put some really unrealistic expectations on you by telling you that, even though your body is ready for marriage by age 15 or so, you have to wait, wait, wait... up to 10 years or more for marriage. No wonder so many kids give up and just start having sex.

 

[Ambrose]

Yeah it can be difficult to control such thoughts and though this may seem a shallow answer seek the power of scripture and prayer in this. Dont just know that its wrong to have such thoughts and god does not want you to do it put it to action and read about how to contain it and what the result is of letting things like that take you over. You will find plenty of good stuff in your bible on the topic.

 

[God's_gift]

I would like to share this dating guidelines from one of my christian friends and i am really inspired by how she and her bf's is resisting lust by this.....so hopefully in the future i'm gonna share this too to my future " someone"


1. Love God more than your partner
o Share bible Verses every day.
o Discuss confusing doctrines and/or belief
o Regularly check on the devotional or God’s word
o Sharing God’s goodness and faithfulness during the day.

2. Each of us should pray before our date.

3. Keep hold of your purity
o Intercourse is not allowed – PRESERVE it for marriage.
o Save our first kiss in the lips on the wedding day!!
o Physical contact that is allowable (holding hands)
o Full hug is not allowed.
o Kiss in the forehead & cheeks should not that often, it only depends on a situation.

4. We should not go to dark, vulnerable or too private place together.

5. Respect your partner and yourself at all times. (both body & emotions)


6. Be faithful to your partner in mind & in words.

7. Make open Communication on your don’ts and wants’ depending on the conditions.


8. Curfew
o During phone conversation – 10pm
o During dating – 9:00pm

9. Every month each of us should check if we both grow spiritually when we are together.

10. Reevaluate boundaries periodically & check if we diligently follow the guidelines set.

Let us control our burst of emotions, help one another, support one another, and rebuke each other for the glory of God and for the fulfillment of our approved boundaries


1 Thessalonians 4:7 For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification.
1 Corinthians 8:1-3 ..we know that we all have knowledge, Knowledge makes arrogant, but love edifies (enlighten/instruct/teaches/improve/educate).
Galatians 5:16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.

 

[Blazin Bones]

I do not think expecting men to treat gals as their sister is a good approach. It might just be me, but I think there is room for some wooing as long as it does not involve over-the-top intimate expressions.

The issue with lust comes in just as pard suggested. We have this unreal expectation that we are supposed to be able to find the "Love of our life." If we're going to give it that kind of mentality, it is no wonder why so many look for the perfect kisser, or the best looking.

The only way to combat lust is to refocus from the object you lust after, or in other words, get in the habit of looking to God when your eyes start looking elsewhere. Marraige does not solve lust, because a sin that is not repented of will return. We simply need to learn more about relying on God.

 

[23Psalm]

I do like God's Gift list for dating. It should be some sort of decree and marketed on cable television. lol. Blazin Bones you made an excellent point as well and I pray that those that read this particular topic will really learn and adhere to this.

I think as a man, you still have to woo the woman. Women liked to be romanced, but just as a Christian, you can't fully rely on wordly ways to win the girl. I belive that if the both of you are Christians and your have a heart to serve God, that alone will win her. I don't see a problems with buying her flowers or doing other wooing gestures. After all, she is still a woman.

 

[Mike]

According to God's plan for me, I was brought to faith after I was married. It could have turned out tragically for me if I died before I was brought to faith. But I never really had to go through the period of courtship while taming my thoughts. I do believe God, who created us and knows us intimately, knows our struggles. He also knows our hearts as we seek to be pure while fighting against our nature.

I don't mean to justify sinful lusting, but I believe He desires that we never stop trying. Will we lose our salvation if we entertain lustful thoughts for the one we're dating? Certainly not! But we experience His fullness the more we are pure in this area. It is for our good that He calls us to stop lusting, because it separates us from His fullness, as does any sin. So the fight continues, and we set our hearts on responding to His Love with sincerity. I think this is the heart that brings joy to Him.

 

[Seeker]

The question is - how early on do we stop the problems created by wanton lust and dating? Social promiscuity, fornication/adultery, the breakdown of marriages, the abandonment of the very institution of marriage, illegitimate children, increased abortions... - all these and more are problems we ALL want to bring to halt. So where is the intervention?

It seems so far that people feel dating is OK but people are expected to be strong enough to resist physical urges and arousal. This does seem to me to be cutting the string worryingly quite close to the end. While I support many of the social transformations that took place in the post WW1 period, especially the British law changes of the 1920s (I've written a ~3500 word essay on this!), the so-called "sexual liberation" put us a step back rather than a step forward. We have a saying amongst Muslims, Wherever you have a man and a woman alone, the devil is present as the third. (This applies of course only to those who are marriable.)

I want to know what Christianity says about this, not what Christians say about it - with all due respect. What does the Bible teach?

 

[Ambrose]

The question is - how early on do we stop the problems created by wanton lust and dating? Social promiscuity, fornication/adultery, the breakdown of marriages, the abandonment of the very institution of marriage, illegitimate children, increased abortions... - all these and more are problems we ALL want to bring to halt. So where is the intervention?

It seems so far that people feel dating is OK but people are expected to be strong enough to resist physical urges and arousal. This does seem to me to be cutting the string worryingly quite close to the end. While I support many of the social transformations that took place in the post WW1 period, especially the British law changes of the 1920s (I've written a ~3500 word essay on this!), the so-called "sexual liberation" put us a step back rather than a step forward. We have a saying amongst Muslims, Wherever you have a man and a woman alone, the devil is present as the third. (This applies of course only to those who are marriable.)

I want to know what Christianity says about this, not what Christians say about it - with all due respect. What does the Bible teach?

That my friend is what you should really be asking. It is always what i seek. (As not currently having a church community around me, And my other family members are christians but do not read the scriptures often or mostly never.) While i am sure I have read plenty about it in the past to give a solid answer the only thing i can give you right off the bat (Because i don't remember much of it by heart yet) Is this quote of Jesus.

Matthew 5: 27-30 NIV
"You have heard that it was said, 'Do not commit adultery.' But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already commited adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell.

I think this puts a pretty clear view on the subject. But if that is not sufficent for some reason or you just need more behind it i could look specifcally for more.

 

[Chris.]

Pard us guys are full of lust and a lot of people that have ever been born can thank their fathers natural inbuilt over zealous sex drives.

For us guys it is a curse in some ways but nothing you should frown on.

The lord Gave you the job of chasing and initiating. It is what guys do.

If you have your eyes fixed on your life partner let your guy hormones sweep her off her feet and marry you.

Lust is not always bad. In this case it is ok. It is a problem when you covet what you shouldnt covet.

 

[Mike]

I want to know what Christianity says about this, not what Christians say about it - with all due respect. What does the Bible teach?

This is the thing about discussing anything to do with sin with a Muslim. You accept a different, unbiblical revelation of God. You might understand when we point out clear scriptural evidence that lustful thoughts are sinful, but you do not know the Forgiveness of the Lord. I don't think it's fair for you to redirect the focus of this discussion, especially when you would reject the notion that lustful thoughts, which we should do everything to avoid, are forgiven us in Jesus Christ.

We have the law and the Gospel, while you have only the law. Christ fulfilled the law by His obedience at the cross. Paul, who you would dismiss, understood this well. He too struggled with sin but affirmed that we have that forgiveness. He also knew that we cannot willfully continue in sin, so we must fight against the urge to give into it.

I will acquiesce to Pard, who deserves a discussion focusing on his concern.

 

[Sloan]

I would like to share this dating guidelines from one of my christian friends and i am really inspired by how she and her bf's is resisting lust by this.....so hopefully in the future i'm gonna share this too to my future " someone"


1. Love God more than your partner
o Share bible Verses every day.
o Discuss confusing doctrines and/or belief
o Regularly check on the devotional or God’s word
o Sharing God’s goodness and faithfulness during the day.

2. Each of us should pray before our date.

3. Keep hold of your purity
o Intercourse is not allowed – PRESERVE it for marriage.
o Save our first kiss in the lips on the wedding day!!
o Physical contact that is allowable (holding hands)
o Full hug is not allowed.
o Kiss in the forehead & cheeks should not that often, it only depends on a situation.

4. We should not go to dark, vulnerable or too private place together.

5. Respect your partner and yourself at all times. (both body & emotions)


6. Be faithful to your partner in mind & in words.

7. Make open Communication on your don’ts and wants’ depending on the conditions.


8. Curfew
o During phone conversation – 10pm
o During dating – 9:00pm

9. Every month each of us should check if we both grow spiritually when we are together.

10. Reevaluate boundaries periodically & check if we diligently follow the guidelines set.

Let us control our burst of emotions, help one another, support one another, and rebuke each other for the glory of God and for the fulfillment of our approved boundaries


1 Thessalonians 4:7 For God has not called us for the purpose of impurity, but in sanctification.
1 Corinthians 8:1-3 ..we know that we all have knowledge, Knowledge makes arrogant, but love edifies (enlighten/instruct/teaches/improve/educate).
Galatians 5:16 But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not carry out the desire of the flesh. For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.

You see, I often hear these sorts of guidelines for a Christian couple, but I just don't see how they are realistic at all!

No kissing on the lips and no hugging?

This seems as though the advice is to have a relationship with a set of rules instead of with a person.

 

[God's_gift]

You see, I often hear these sorts of guidelines for a Christian couple, but I just don't see how they are realistic at all!

Naturally, we would say not realistic. But with the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit I’m sure we can overcome the battle against lust. You know, everyday is a constant battle for a Christian when it comes to dating, that’s why IMHO dating guidelines were set by Christian couples because they seek to honor God first with their bodies ( 1 Corinth. 6:19-20) and then next is person they are dating.

No kissing on the lips and no hugging?

Hahaha, one of the most difficult parts in a romantic relationship…. but Christian dating rules vary you know. IMHO again, in the start of the relationship couples must be straight and honest with issues like physical , emotional, and spiritual struggle so that they can help each other about that. If both efforts are unsuccessful, the wise thing to do is to bring in their parents, close friends, brethren in their church to help them track the standards they’ve set. My friend and her bf (now fiancé) shared to me their dating guidelines and as their friend and sister in Christ I am accountable to help them in their walk.

This seems as though the advice is to have a relationship with a set of rules instead of with a person.

I respectfully disagree.
It is giving over yourself to glorify God in the relationship. And a relationship with God is a relationship with, God.

 

[Nicholas Cid]

Some people are attracted to a man or woman by their strong faith in the Lord. like this 1 Jewish woman at my work she was attracted to me because I have strong faith and am Religious. I follow this:http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Corinthians%207:25-35&version=TNIV

The woman is attracted to me but has had alot of relationship problems in the past with other men. she was afraid to ask me to go do yoga with her because of this. I told her about my whole life and my testimony and how I was married to God and gave my chastity over to the Lord. She became very comfortable around me and told me more about her life and she said something of this sort: "the reason I dont like getting into friendships with men is because 1 day they will no longer want to be friends, but more than." I see my male friends and woman friends as brothers and sisters, just like some other believers in Christ. Sex to me is something I dont want, because of my past and my testimony many of you will understand why I gave my life and chastity to the Lord.

 

[God's_gift]

Some people are attracted to a man or woman by their strong faith in the Lord. like this 1 Jewish woman at my work she was attracted to me because I have strong faith and am Religious. I follow this:http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/...5&version=TNIV

The woman is attracted to me but has had alot of relationship problems in the past with other men. she was afraid to ask me to go do yoga with her because of this. I told her about my whole life and my testimony and how I was married to God and gave my chastity over to the Lord. She became very comfortable around me and told me more about her life and she said something of this sort: "the reason I dont like getting into friendships with men is because 1 day they will no longer want to be friends, but more than." I see my male friends and woman friends as brothers and sisters, just like some other believers in Christ. Sex to me is something I dont want, because of my past and my testimony many of you will understand why I gave my life and chastity to the Lord.

hmmm not sure how that related to the OP but anyways glad to hear from you Nicholas , nice name by the way ,God bless you

 

[Nicholas Cid]

Lust is not always bad. In this case it is ok. It is a problem when you covet what you shouldnt covet.

so if Lust isnt always bad why is it a deadly sin? http://suite101.com/article/the-fourth-deadly-sin-lust-a110391

 

[DarkHorseRising]

so if Lust isnt always bad why is it a deadly sin? http://suite101.com/article/the-fourth-deadly-sin-lust-a110391

Lust is always bad. Lust is not love, it is in many ways incompatible with love.

 

[Nicholas Cid]

Lust is always bad. Lust is not love, it is in many ways incompatible with love.

I know this fully well, but I'm just curious as to why Chris would post something like that. :

You know what I do when I look at a woman or man? I look at their face because I treat others how I would like to be treated. I dont understand why people who have faith in God have trouble with lust and superficialism. sure sometimes in the past and now I dont understand why women dress like prostitutes, showing off their cleavage and legs. I dont know why men wear things that would show off their bodies too. but none the less I dont care what people wear because I look at their face. I do have a question though, why oh why do people people of the faith keep on making others in the faith stumble? I kid you not sometimes I dont want to goto church because people dress as if they have no class.

I dont like this generation very much for what they do and what they do and love to do is to show off their bodies. I can control myself with the strength the lord gives me each day, but 1 day I will hope the lord gives me the strength to bear the pain I will go through to gouge out my own eyes, for I believe there will come a time when I am so sick of what I see.