made a big mistake, now what?

[KrisT]

So I am starting to see my gf again whom I broke up with about 4 months ago. In our time apart, I got into a relationship with a girl whom I met in my church group. Just to be clear, we met after I had broken up with my gf. Recently, a friend from this group suggested I may have been somewhat dishonest to this other girl and even worse that this lack of honesty could be sin. I was honest to her about having an ex girlfriend, but also said during our relationship that I would not date my ex again. Which when I said it, I really believed I would not. I was simply not counting on my ex changing that. Basically I broke up with her for a specific reason, and by a miracle she really changed. This other girl has quit our church group over this, and seems to be (unfairly?) saying Im partially at fault for it, and is apparently upset because she really believed I had closed the door on my relationship with my gf. Anyway, was I really not completely honest with her and did I sin against her? I know I said one thing and did another, but the point is I didnt mean to. I know I made a mistake and definitely wouldnt have started another relationship had I known my ex was going to change. I feel bad that she now doesnt have a church and doesnt get to see her friends anymore. If I did sin against her, what should I do about it? I wish she would get over it, but she seems to be choosing otherwise or incapable of getting over it.

 

[Caroline H]

Welcome to the site KrisT

Honestly, I think that the girl does have a right to be upset. I'm going to sound like an old lady here by saying this, but keep in mind that I'm only 27.

Dating has no place among Christians (or anyone for that matter). :o The system of dating used in our culture is set up for failure, and is self-serving to the utmost. It is a system that says, "I will go out with this one for a while, and if I don't feel anything I will move on to the next", always searching for that special feeling....and so often at the cost of someone else' s feelings.

Now, I'm not saying you're a bad person IN THE LEAST, please know that. What I am saying is that you have been conditioned by our culture to think in terms of dating, when really there are much better ways to go about finding a wife/husband.

Actually, the wife/husband part is the key. I would submit that no one should even have a "girlfriend" unless he is ready to be married. I would encourage you to read the first chapter of "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshuah Harris....you can find samples online if you google it. I'm sure you will find it intreaging

I say all of this to really say that, yes, the other girl has reason to be upset....her feelings have been hurt. Yes, it is all confusing. Your emotions were tied up with another girl, and you let someone else get their emotions tied up with you....when in all reality none of you are ready for a true commitment are you? May I ask how old you are?

Please forgive me for sounding harsh, my intent is not to offend you but to shine a light on the ugliness of dating. :verysad

 

[justvisiting]

I was just wondering whether caromurp dated before she was married. To me some of the Christian thinking out there is so idealistic as to be unreal. So you can't date. How are you even going to get to know this other person. How will you ever find out if they are even compatible. Are you going to meet them at Bible studies, then one day decide you are going to marry each other. This is to me an unreal, idealistic view of the reality, even for Christians. Yes, I know you are a Bible College student. I have also been to one.
I think a person should have some intentions of finding a PERMANENT partner, BUT jumping into a marriage within even having any personal one on one intimate discussions. Horseradish. I don't agree. The only way I can see the scenario you are stating is if it is a prearranged marriage.
The scenario you are stating to me is like ordering a Russian bride that you know nothing about, then finding out they work for the mafia, because you never even found out what they were about. Of course dating is necessary. Those are my thoughts.
As for this guys question. You really trapped yourself. Don't know how serious you are about Christianity, but now it seems you may have two wives,if sex was involved. Just remember these relationships affect other people permanently besides yourself. I'm not being your judge... lives are full of mistakes... sort it out the best you can.

 

[Caroline H]

I was just wondering whether caromurp dated before she was married.

Yes, I did...which is the reason that I have such views about it.

I think a person should have some intentions of finding a PERMANENT partner, BUT jumping into a marriage within even having any personal one on one intimate discussions. Horseradish. I don't agree. The only way I can see the scenario you are stating is if it is a prearranged marriage.

Oh absolutely not! :o Courtship is not prearranged marriage, but nor is it conventional "dating". Courtship is refusing to label each other boyfriend/girlfriend, staying friends and keeping your emotions in check, and depending upon your age, keeping your friends and family involved in the friendship.

There is a topic about dating/courtship in this forum already, so I will say no more about it here.

Don't know how serious you are about Christianity, but now it seems you may have two wives,if sex was involved. Just remember these relationships affect other people permanently besides yourself. I'm not being your judge... lives are full of mistakes... sort it out the best you can.

The OP makes no mention of sex, and to suggest so may offend the poster.

 

[KrisT]

Im 26, we never had sex, but did make out quite a bit. She had not been in a relationship before. Ive had a few long term gfs. As for dating and courting, is the difference just one is about being in a relationship and the other is about getting married? There really isnt anything wrong with dating. It could be many months or years before I propose to my gf, why would we even think about marriage now?

 

[Blazin Bones]

Think about it now because it should be the out-come of any "romantic" relationship. Dating/courting for a Christian still has one ultimate goal in mind, the glorification of God. God is not the author of failure so if you are dating just because you and this gal work great together, you are out of line. Anything a Christian does needs to be for God's glory. When I began my relationship with Caromurp, I told her on the very first day that we start our relatonship with a future hope of marraige, or we will not start a relationship. This is because God isn't about making us feel good for a bit and then giving us another person to feel even better with. God is not the author of such confussion. God wants us to live for his glory from day one, relationships included. It may seem unreal, but the greatest things about our God often do, do they not?

 

[evan924]

So you can't date. How are you even going to get to know this other person. How will you ever find out if they are even compatible. Are you going to meet them at Bible studies, then one day decide you are going to marry each other.
quote]


thats what the friendship is for. i knew my "girlfriend" for 5 years before we got together and when we did get together i was already planing on marring her (even if i was a lost sinner at the time) it may just be me but thats how i was raised, dating is overrated. im not saying ive never dated before, i have and thats why i say its overrated, it just causes problems and hurts people. i always liked my gf before we got together but the more and more i got to know her the more in love i fell for her, and i left it as a friendship untill i KNEW for sure that i wanted to marry her, and thats how i belive these things were intended.

 

[His daughter]

Just want to say, the second girl can make her own choices and may yet go back to her faith... how do I know? I was once in her shoes, and I did! You didn't mean to hurt her but now that you know better, you are armed with some more knowledge than you had before... may you feel the love and peace of the Lord... even if your own pain is getting in the way, know He forgives those with a truly repentant heart... and I hope you can in time forgive yourself as I'm sure He has...

 

[nyc christian]

It seems you are concerned about her and dont realize that you may end up hurt here as well. You may feel happy now but unless your gf's problem which miraculously got changed was a stamp collecting addiction I dont think 4 months or so is enough time to measure that change. I think you should have waited a year or more before you started to get involved in a friendship that would have marriage as a goal. It is the girls choice to leave the church, I agree it is messed up for her - but she also had a free will. It kind of seems you didnt fully let go of your ex and used the new girl as an insurance policy.

That is why we should be careful with our actions and choices as Christians in church. We dont want to accidentally knock out our fellow sisters and brothers from our flock. I know it seems kool to go out and be with a girl and if it doesnt work out go ahead and play the field again. All this seems fun but it doesnt work, I have seen it many times in church. Waiting and moving according to Gods will works best for all of us.

 

[Slyvena]

Hmm so true, I've managed to not wind up with a girlfriend by pure luck (I came close but for some reason always botched it on purpose, but thats another story). Now I'm really happy that my first true relationship will be in the form of a courtship, once you find out all about the courting system you can't help but say "Yep, that's totally Gods way".

Dating... it can just cause too many problems