Marriage Advice please

[LoraLoves]

I have been married for 10 years. Five years ago I learned that my husband had an affair that produced a child. He claims that it was a one time drunken experience that he deeply regrets. The woman was an old fling he knew who, up until that night according to him, hadn't gotten physical with post our marriage. After separating for six months and prayer, I decided to stay in the marriage. Also, we have two kids. I was completely prepared to divorce him but after prayer, I felt as though God told me to wait. So, I did. Since finding out, my husband has done everything he could to show remorse and renew our marriage. However, I still struggle with staying in the marriage. I pray asking God for direction but now I feel lost.

About two years ago, we purchased a house. Again, I didn't move forward until I prayed and believed that God told me it was the right thing to do. However, I'm starting to feel like that was the wrong decision. Like, maybe I didn't hear God right, and now that makes me question if I ever heard God right. I ask God for clarification but the only word from God I receive is to continue to seek out His presence. That's hard to do when I feel myself falling apart. Five years and I don't know how to reconcile my husband's betrayal.

Also, I feel angry with God. And then I get angry with myself. Like, did I really hear God tell me to wait? Did God tell me to buy a house with my spouse? Because, it would've been so much easier to leave my husband when I first found out. Now, after purchasing a house, my finances aren't good enough to initiate a divorce yet. I know the enemy is screwing with my thoughts as well but I can't push through to find a clear word from God that brings clarity to my situation. I love my husband but I don’t know if I can get past what he did and I don't hear God telling me how to move forward. I feel trapped in my head. I feel like I'm spiraling.

Honestly, I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for. I guess I'm just reaching a place where I don't know how much I can take without completely losing myself. I guess all I can say is pray for me.

 

[Knotical]

First, always focus on God's will for you. Pray for it constantly.

Second, any doubt you may be feeling is not coming from God, but from Satan.

Third, has your husband asked for your and God's forgiveness for his transgression? If so, you should move on. The reason is, when you ask God for forgiveness He is faithful to forgive you so you must do the same.

Lastly, are you a member of a Bible-believing church? If so, you should approach your pastor and/or an elder you trust and seek their counsel.

 

[tdidymas]

I have been married for 10 years. Five years ago I learned that my husband had an affair that produced a child. He claims that it was a one time drunken experience that he deeply regrets. The woman was an old fling he knew who, up until that night according to him, hadn't gotten physical with post our marriage. After separating for six months and prayer, I decided to stay in the marriage. Also, we have two kids. I was completely prepared to divorce him but after prayer, I felt as though God told me to wait. So, I did. Since finding out, my husband has done everything he could to show remorse and renew our marriage. However, I still struggle with staying in the marriage. I pray asking God for direction but now I feel lost.

About two years ago, we purchased a house. Again, I didn't move forward until I prayed and believed that God told me it was the right thing to do. However, I'm starting to feel like that was the wrong decision. Like, maybe I didn't hear God right, and now that makes me question if I ever heard God right. I ask God for clarification but the only word from God I receive is to continue to seek out His presence. That's hard to do when I feel myself falling apart. Five years and I don't know how to reconcile my husband's betrayal.

Also, I feel angry with God. And then I get angry with myself. Like, did I really hear God tell me to wait? Did God tell me to buy a house with my spouse? Because, it would've been so much easier to leave my husband when I first found out. Now, after purchasing a house, my finances aren't good enough to initiate a divorce yet. I know the enemy is screwing with my thoughts as well but I can't push through to find a clear word from God that brings clarity to my situation. I love my husband but I don’t know if I can get past what he did and I don't hear God telling me how to move forward. I feel trapped in my head. I feel like I'm spiraling.

Honestly, I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for. I guess I'm just reaching a place where I don't know how much I can take without completely losing myself. I guess all I can say is pray for me.

Firstly, the idea that God speaks through feelings is shakey at best. Conscience should be based on what God says (knowledge of scripture), not on whimsical feelings. Jer. 17:6 says "The human heart is the most deceitful of all things, and desperately wicked. Who really knows how bad it is?" I recommend this book which teaches to make decisions based on wisdom: https://www.amazon.com/Decision-Mak...238867&sprefix=decision+making,aps,130&sr=8-1

Then, a healthy relationship requires trust. If you have forgiven your husband of his indiscretion, you should try to build back the trust you had before. You need to be assured that he won't do it again (beyond his just saying so). But trust has to be established and not too long, because distrust can wear him out and weaken his commitment to you. I would say try to get him into a sound Christian counselling with yourself to work through the issue.
?

 

[Anaphora]

Hello sister. I'm not judging anyone.

Did he repent sins to God?
Did he Sincerely ask for your forgiveness??

He sounds like toxic person.
Mark chapter 9:43. If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed, than when you have two hands , you would go to Ghenna.

If someone is or something, is causing you to sin. Cut it out of your life. You don't want to be par takers of sin with a habitual sinner.
Habitual sinners are going to sheol, called hell. It's holding place for the spirtualty dead or wicked until judgement day.
Adultery is definitely grounds for divorce.
1 Corinthians 7:14. You can divorce a outsiders.
1 Corinthians chapter 5:11. We are not to be partners with Christian who have committed adultery.
Wont repent.
Won't Sincerely ask victim for forgiveness.
Get away from toxic people.

All sins are forgivable by Repentance. Even divorce.
Just repent and be forgiven by Jesus.

I lived with narcissist. In 2018, Moved away from toxic environment. It was emotional and psychological abuse.

My advice. I would move away, and don't look back.

I hope this helps you.
Peace.

 

[Carry_Your_Name]

I have been married for 10 years. Five years ago I learned that my husband had an affair that produced a child. He claims that it was a one time drunken experience that he deeply regrets. The woman was an old fling he knew who, up until that night according to him, hadn't gotten physical with post our marriage. After separating for six months and prayer, I decided to stay in the marriage. Also, we have two kids. I was completely prepared to divorce him but after prayer, I felt as though God told me to wait. So, I did. Since finding out, my husband has done everything he could to show remorse and renew our marriage. However, I still struggle with staying in the marriage. I pray asking God for direction but now I feel lost.

About two years ago, we purchased a house. Again, I didn't move forward until I prayed and believed that God told me it was the right thing to do. However, I'm starting to feel like that was the wrong decision. Like, maybe I didn't hear God right, and now that makes me question if I ever heard God right. I ask God for clarification but the only word from God I receive is to continue to seek out His presence. That's hard to do when I feel myself falling apart. Five years and I don't know how to reconcile my husband's betrayal.

Also, I feel angry with God. And then I get angry with myself. Like, did I really hear God tell me to wait? Did God tell me to buy a house with my spouse? Because, it would've been so much easier to leave my husband when I first found out. Now, after purchasing a house, my finances aren't good enough to initiate a divorce yet. I know the enemy is screwing with my thoughts as well but I can't push through to find a clear word from God that brings clarity to my situation. I love my husband but I don’t know if I can get past what he did and I don't hear God telling me how to move forward. I feel trapped in my head. I feel like I'm spiraling.

Honestly, I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for. I guess I'm just reaching a place where I don't know how much I can take without completely losing myself. I guess all I can say is pray for me.

This reminds me of the former president's divorce, which is very similar to your situation. He and his first wife Ivana had three children - Don. Jr., Ivanka and Eric. He had an affair with his mistress, who later found out that she was pregnant with his daughter Tiffany. Ivana caught wind of this and she confronted with him, and they ended up in divorce, and this permanently tainted his reputation long before he became president. I'm sorry to hear this heartbreaking story of your husband's adultery, and I'm glad that you didn't make the same decision.

Jesus taught that fornication is the only ground for divorce, that doesn't just mean physical act with another woman, but emotional and spiritual idolatry. So, if all your husband had was a one night stand with his old fling, and he was genuinely showing signs of remorse as you said, maybe praying with you, taking counseling sessions with you, making up for you, willing to fix his relationship with you and rebuilding trust, and you can feel that the emotional and spiritual bond with him is still there, then don't be trapped in this quagmire any longer, forgive and move on, your marriage is worth saving.

However, you mentioned you have two kids, that might be anther factor in the equation. Do they know about this, and how they feel? You have to take them into account and predict how they may react. So you need to handle it wisely and weigh your options - tell them the whole truth about the affair with your husband in their presence; tell them a half truth by leaving out the part of the bastard child; or keep them in the dark completely as though nothing had happened. The last one is the least risky, but if they find out one day that their father cheated and they have a half sibling, and you've been keeping it a secret from them, they'd be devastated, and they'd probably go seek that child anyway, which would inevitable bring that woman back into the picture, all the hurtful memories you think you've buried six feet under would resurface to the ground and haunt you. This is just my advice, you should ask a friend, your pastor or a marriage counsellor.

 

[Who Me]

However, I still struggle with staying in the marriage. I pray asking God for direction but now I feel lost

The best advice I can give you is to sit down with your husband and to honestly talk about your feelings.
You have to face a brutal fact. If he has repentant of his sin you have to forgive him.
Luke 17 :3.

Be prepared to face his justified anger at your unwillingness to forgive him.
Which means you to will have to repent.

This is not pleasant to write or read, but please do sit down and talk with your husband.

 

[walter45]

I have been married for 10 years. Five years ago I learned that my husband had an affair that produced a child. He claims that it was a one time drunken experience that he deeply regrets. The woman was an old fling he knew who, up until that night according to him, hadn't gotten physical with post our marriage. After separating for six months and prayer, I decided to stay in the marriage. Also, we have two kids. I was completely prepared to divorce him but after prayer, I felt as though God told me to wait. So, I did. Since finding out, my husband has done everything he could to show remorse and renew our marriage. However, I still struggle with staying in the marriage. I pray asking God for direction but now I feel lost.

About two years ago, we purchased a house. Again, I didn't move forward until I prayed and believed that God told me it was the right thing to do. However, I'm starting to feel like that was the wrong decision. Like, maybe I didn't hear God right, and now that makes me question if I ever heard God right. I ask God for clarification but the only word from God I receive is to continue to seek out His presence. That's hard to do when I feel myself falling apart. Five years and I don't know how to reconcile my husband's betrayal.

Also, I feel angry with God. And then I get angry with myself. Like, did I really hear God tell me to wait? Did God tell me to buy a house with my spouse? Because, it would've been so much easier to leave my husband when I first found out. Now, after purchasing a house, my finances aren't good enough to initiate a divorce yet. I know the enemy is screwing with my thoughts as well but I can't push through to find a clear word from God that brings clarity to my situation. I love my husband but I don’t know if I can get past what he did and I don't hear God telling me how to move forward. I feel trapped in my head. I feel like I'm spiraling.

Honestly, I'm not sure what advice I'm looking for. I guess I'm just reaching a place where I don't know how much I can take without completely losing myself. I guess all I can say is pray for me.

One way, God answers prayers is by his word in the Holy Scriptures. You might find that God answers all your prayers already in the Bible?

This may help take away any doubts that plague everybody!

Jesus says forgive others just like God forgives us. Ephesians 4:32

Love. 1 Corinthians 13:7

My words are not what is meaningful, Jesus words could bring much comfort and direction to us all. if we search the Bible we will find many words of advice on extending love in any situation and forgiveness.

 

[LoraLoves]

I truly appreciate all of your kind words and advice. It certainly gives me a lot to think about. I'm thinking the first step should be counseling and then moving from there. I'll continue to pray and meditate in God's word as I determine which path is best for everyone moving forward.

God bless.

 

[follower]

Jesus never referred anyone to counseling. Especially not any counseling available in the last one thousand years!

 

[tdidymas]

Jesus never referred anyone to counseling. Especially not any counseling available in the last one thousand years!

Prov. 12:15 and 19:20 say that a wise person seeks counsel. Of course, counsel can be good or bad, so there has to be some discernment. Jesus didn't refer anyone to counseling because He directed everyone to His own counsel. Did not Jesus counsel His disciples? Did He not tell them to make disciples? It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that sometimes we need counsel from an elder.

 

[Juliarod]

I can only share from my own experience, that please attempt to forgive him in your heart. I speak as an adulterer myself. I never thought I would be the kind of woman who betrayed her vows. I was the wife of a pastor, a mother of three, and a woman who had spent her entire life devoted to God. My faith was the foundation of my marriage to Roberto, and our home was built on the Word of God. But temptation does not care for status or righteousness—it finds the cracks in our hearts and exploits them. And so, it found me. It began on an ordinary afternoon. I had gone to a clothing store not far from where we live, looking for something modest yet elegant to wear to a church event. That’s when I met him—Ethan, also a Christian and someone we knew from another ministry. He was young, handsome, and had a way of speaking that made me feel seen in a way I hadn’t felt in years, and here was this immigrant mexican with a thick accent who had this young white man so interested in me all of a sudden. I told myself it was innocent, that a little friendly conversation was harmless. But looking back, I know that in my heart I wanted more. Our meetings became frequent. A casual exchange at the store turned into coffee, and then into secret rendezvous that I justified in the deep corners of my mind. I told myself Roberto was too busy with the church and his construction work, that my children didn’t need me as much anymore, that I deserved to feel beautiful, wanted. Every step away from my faith felt justified, even as guilt chewed at the edges of my heart. The day I crossed the line completely, I knew I had changed something inside me forever. I really felt the pain during a brief forbidden moment of ecstasy, when I suddenly saw myself my own sweating naked image in a mirror as I was moving up and down atop another man. "How could I be doing this?" It seemed unreal. I was disgusted. I shuttered at what I saw (and it wasn't just the one time unfortunately ). The days after, the weight of my sin pressed down on me, yet I silenced the voice of the Holy Spirit. I lived in that deception for weeks, hiding my secret in smiles and sermons, convincing myself that no one needed to know. But God knew. And soon, Roberto would too. One evening, as I stood in the kitchen preparing dinner, Roberto walked in with a look I had never seen before—pain, anger, betrayal. He had found messages, proof of what I had done. My heart stopped. I fell to my knees before him, sobbing, words failing me as I begged for forgiveness. My children stood in the doorway, their innocent eyes filled with confusion and hurt. Shame consumed me. I had dishonored my husband, my family, and most of all, my God. I wanted to run, to disappear. But Roberto did something unexpected—he left the room in silence, locking himself in our bedroom to weep. That night, I fell to the floor, crying out to God, confessing my sin, begging for mercy. And in my brokenness, I felt something I hadn't in weeks—His presence. Repentance was not instant healing. Roberto did not immediately take me back into his arms. Trust was shattered, and the road to redemption was long and painful. I stepped down from my role at the church. I dedicated myself to restoring my marriage, not just with words but with action, with patience, with unwavering faith that God could mend what I had broken. It took months, but one evening, Roberto held my hand and whispered, "I don’t know how, but I will try to forgive." And in that moment, I knew that God's grace was at work, not just in me, but in my husband. My story is not one of perfection but of failure and redemption. I fell, but God's mercy lifted me. I betrayed, but my husband chose to seek healing. And though the scars remain, they serve as reminders of a lesson I will never forget—that God's love is greater than our worst mistakes, and that true repentance is not in words but in a heart willing to change.