Marriage Troubles

[Created2Write]

My husband and I married very young. I was twenty, he was twenty-one. We've known each other since we were in second grade, and are coming up on our third anniversary. Generally speaking, we have a good marriage. We respect each other, we love each other, we're best friends, and we each contribute to the relationship. However, we've been through some things that, at times, have felt insurmountable. There was one point where we almost split up.

Without going into detail, we've both struggled with meeting the other's emotional needs. I'm incredibly emotional and romantic and like to go on dates, I like to get gifts, all the romantic stuff, and he's more of a "let's stay home and watch a movie" kind of guy. He works terrible hours and his boss is a jerk who thinks that anything less than 50 hours a week is laziness. And I'm in school full time. So, financially speaking it's been stressful. But when it comes to romance, it's been an uphill battle. In the past we've gone through cycles where he does well for a week, and then he'll forget for a day or two, and then he'll just stop trying. My struggle has been not letting my hurt and pain get in the way of me meeting his needs.

Recently we had a heart to heart where we both expressed our pains, we each apologized for dropping the ball and promised to try harder. So far, he's done a fabulous job. Our relationship has improved pretty drastically, in my opinion. But here's the thing: We've gone through this same cycle so many times, that I'm already preparing for the disappointment to come. He'll tell me that I'll get a nice text from him at work the next day, and when that text never comes, I automatically assume that we're in the disappointing of the cycle. He's been good about apologizing and making it up to me the next day, so this really seems to just be my issue at the moment.

Any tips on what I can do to battle the negative thoughts?

 

[phantom309]

Financial stress can be very difficult to deal with and from it usually springs alot of nitpicky arguments that most times are the result of one or both just needing to vent .Me and my wife went through that in the '08 layoffs and we almost split because of it.It would only take the slightest little thing to set either of us off,and take hours for us to cool down.

In light of that I bet once youre out of school and working much of what youre seeing now wont be an issue.

As far as the rest goes,to be honest it sounds like you may just have some unusually high and unrealistic expectations.Sending a text or calling from work here and there isnt hard to do,but when its expected daily would be more like a chore than anything..particularly when you guys are on somewhat shaky ground anyway.Consider also how hard it is to be creative and different when having to do this daily.Pretty soon you begin to run out of things to say and youll just get tired of doing it at that point.Give him some breathing room and allow him the freedom to choose when and what he sends,and be appreciative that he actually wants to.Alot of guys I work with literally never do that for their wives.

Also consider the financial end of things for a moment.Im sure your husband knows your financial situation well enough to know that erroneous spending is not the best idea right now.The cards,balloons and chocolates and dates should not be top priority right now.If that remains to be an issue then I humbly submit that youre being a tad selfish.

Aside from that,at times it can be pretty hard to break away from what youre doing and text/call someone.Ever seen someone at work whos always texting/calling?I can tell you from experience those people are generally not looked at fondly and at times are openly accused of goofing off or being otherwise irresponsible.Now couple this with the tyrannical boss you described for us and what you have is a bad situation waiting to happen if hes spotted here and there texting and calling.

Consider things in general.If your husband is a good guy,stays true to you,keeps away from the bars and other generally bad stuff,then not getting a daily emotional text is a pretty fair trade.Guys are not overly sappy and emotional by nature,which also makes it that much harder for us when the spouse expects some fairy tale romance novel to come rolling out of our mouth when we pick up the phone.

Im not trying to pick on you or belittle your concerns or need for an emotional pick-me-up..all women need that to a degree,and even the guys do.Just be thankful for the times when it does happen instead of focusing on when it doesnt.

 

[Created2Write]

Financial stress can be very difficult to deal with and from it usually springs alot of nitpicky arguments that most times are the result of one or both just needing to vent .Me and my wife went through that in the '08 layoffs and we almost split because of it.It would only take the slightest little thing to set either of us off,and take hours for us to cool down.

In light of that I bet once youre out of school and working much of what youre seeing now wont be an issue.

As far as the rest goes,to be honest it sounds like you may just have some unusually high and unrealistic expectations.Sending a text or calling from work here and there isnt hard to do,but when its expected daily would be more like a chore than anything..particularly when you guys are on somewhat shaky ground anyway.Consider also how hard it is to be creative and different when having to do this daily.Pretty soon you begin to run out of things to say and youll just get tired of doing it at that point.Give him some breathing room and allow him the freedom to choose when and what he sends,and be appreciative that he actually wants to.Alot of guys I work with literally never do that for their wives.

I should have clarified...I don't expect it on a daily basis. And the specific example I gave was a time when he said, without any influence from me, that he would send me a nice message on his break. I really could care less when he sends them, it's just when he tells me it's going to happen and then doesn't when I get frustrated. This has happened way more than one time, and he has admitted that it really wouldn't take long to say "I love you" on a fifteen minute break. Usually when I ask why he didn't, he says that he was talking to his buddies at work. So it's not that he's texting while he's working, it's that he promised something(a small something, but still meaningful to me) and didn't remember to do it.

Also consider the financial end of things for a moment.Im sure your husband knows your financial situation well enough to know that erroneous spending is not the best idea right now.The cards,balloons and chocolates and dates should not be top priority right now.If that remains to be an issue then I humbly submit that youre being a tad selfish.

I guess I should clarify this too, seeing as you seem to be deriving a lot from what I said that wasn't really there. I'm not the girl who needs a lot of gifts, especially not expensive ones. A hand written love letter from him would mean just as much as a set of pearl earrings. A single red rose would mean just as much as a dozen. A night of making our own food and sitting down to dinner, with maybe a cheap bottle of wine as a surprise, would mean just as much as an expensive night out. So please don't assume that I'm high maintenance. Cause I'm really not. And in comparison to how our financial situation has been in the past, we're doing well right now.

Aside from that,at times it can be pretty hard to break away from what youre doing and text/call someone.Ever seen someone at work whos always texting/calling?I can tell you from experience those people are generally not looked at fondly and at times are openly accused of goofing off or being otherwise irresponsible.Now couple this with the tyrannical boss you described for us and what you have is a bad situation waiting to happen if hes spotted here and there texting and calling.

I should have said that those texts he promised were going to come on his break. He gets two fifteen minute breaks throughout the day, and one half-our lunch. I don't blame him for not texting on his lunch. Thirty minutes isn't a long time to eat. But when he comes up with the idea of using his breaks as a way of saying nice things to me, flirting with me, etc. and then he doesn't follow through, I really don't think I should be the one blamed.

Consider things in general.If your husband is a good guy,stays true to you,keeps away from the bars and other generally bad stuff,then not getting a daily emotional text is a pretty fair trade.Guys are not overly sappy and emotional by nature,which also makes it that much harder for us when the spouse expects some fairy tale romance novel to come rolling out of our mouth when we pick up the phone.

Sorry, but this is VERY antagonistic. I don't know where you get the impression that I expect a fairy tale romance from him, but I really don't. We've talked a lot about our emotional needs, and we both agree that we should do what we can to fulfill the other person. For him, sex, massages and verbal affirmation are vitally important. He's said that he needs verbal affirmation from me daily. Judging by what you've posted, so long as I'm a good girl, I stay true to him and I keep away from other men, then he shouldn't complain, right? I shouldn't have to work on our actual relationship, right?

I don't agree at all, and I don't appreciate what you've implied in this post at all. This isn't even specifically about the texts, that was just an example used of how he's not always lived up to his word. No, he's never cheated, he works hard to provide for me and he's nice, but there should be more to a marriage relationship than that. I know he expects more than that from me.

Im not trying to pick on you or belittle your concerns or need for an emotional pick-me-up..all women need that to a degree,and even the guys do.Just be thankful for the times when it does happen instead of focusing on when it doesnt.

It sure felt like you were picking on me AND belittling my concerns. My husband and I have tried and continue to try and understand each other better. If I ever heard from him, "Hey, I work hard, I don't cheat and I stay away from bars so you should be happy with our relationship", I think I just might leave him for a few days. I would never, ever, say such a thing to him. I really don't like making his lunch for him every day. In fact, I hate it. It's not fun. But I know he really appreciates it. It means a lot to him. So I do it anyway. I don't like cleaning his dirty, smelly clothes. I don't like having to clean up after him, when he doesn't remember to put those dirty clothes in the hamper. But, I know he likes to come home to a clean batch of clothes and a semi-cleaned space, so I do it anyway. He expects me to meet his needs, and I expect him to meet mine.

 

[farouk]

I'm not very good at writing this, but my thought would be:

Affection, affection, affection.

 

[handy]

You shared this:

Without going into detail, we've both struggled with meeting the other's emotional needs. I'm incredibly emotional and romantic and like to go on dates, I like to get gifts, all the romantic stuff, and he's more of a "let's stay home and watch a movie" kind of guy. He works terrible hours and his boss is a jerk who thinks that anything less than 50 hours a week is laziness.

You've just shared how he isn't measuring up to your emotional needs.... He's stuck in a job with a high pressure "jerk" of a boss who is making him work 50 hours a week with only an hour's worth of breaks a day.


How are you meeting his needs?

 

[felix]

My husband and I married very young. I was twenty, he was twenty-one. We've known each other since we were in second grade, and are coming up on our third anniversary. Generally speaking, we have a good marriage. We respect each other, we love each other, we're best friends, and we each contribute to the relationship. However, we've been through some things that, at times, have felt insurmountable. There was one point where we almost split up.

Without going into detail, we've both struggled with meeting the other's emotional needs. I'm incredibly emotional and romantic and like to go on dates, I like to get gifts, all the romantic stuff, and he's more of a "let's stay home and watch a movie" kind of guy. He works terrible hours and his boss is a jerk who thinks that anything less than 50 hours a week is laziness. And I'm in school full time. So, financially speaking it's been stressful. But when it comes to romance, it's been an uphill battle. In the past we've gone through cycles where he does well for a week, and then he'll forget for a day or two, and then he'll just stop trying. My struggle has been not letting my hurt and pain get in the way of me meeting his needs.

Recently we had a heart to heart where we both expressed our pains, we each apologized for dropping the ball and promised to try harder. So far, he's done a fabulous job. Our relationship has improved pretty drastically, in my opinion. But here's the thing: We've gone through this same cycle so many times, that I'm already preparing for the disappointment to come. He'll tell me that I'll get a nice text from him at work the next day, and when that text never comes, I automatically assume that we're in the disappointing of the cycle. He's been good about apologizing and making it up to me the next day, so this really seems to just be my issue at the moment.

Any tips on what I can do to battle the negative thoughts?

Have a baby.

 

[Created2Write]

You shared this:

Without going into detail, we've both struggled with meeting the other's emotional needs. I'm incredibly emotional and romantic and like to go on dates, I like to get gifts, all the romantic stuff, and he's more of a "let's stay home and watch a movie" kind of guy. He works terrible hours and his boss is a jerk who thinks that anything less than 50 hours a week is laziness.

You've just shared how he isn't measuring up to your emotional needs.... He's stuck in a job with a high pressure "jerk" of a boss who is making him work 50 hours a week with only an hour's worth of breaks a day.


How are you meeting his needs?

I make his lunches most days. I'm learning to give him a lot of verbal affirmation. I give him back and leg massages, since he's on the go all day at work and often comes home sore. I need to improve on giving him alone time. I tend to be a bit clingy, and once he's home I want us to spend time together. But sometimes he just needs tome to plug in his headphones and play Call of Duty to blow of steam. I'm learning to notice this and to make effort in saying, "Let's stay home tonight. You play COD, I'll read Narnia out loud."(Which he loves.)

These are the things he's expressed a desire for. I'm not perfect, but I am learning to go out of way to be respectful of his desires and needs.

The issue is my negativity. It's something I've battled with for a while now. We've been down the same road so many times(and it was just as much my fault as his), that it's hard to believe things are different this time. One thing we agreed on when we married was that he was the spiritual leader of the family. I practice and believe in submission, but he doesn't seem to remember to lead. I'm sure it's probably because of his busy work schedule and the lack of energy he has when he gets home, but at the same time, we're stronger when we read the word and pray together. When we don't, our relationship seems to get pretty...negative. I know that when I get upset I tend to express a lot of my emotion outwardly, and he and I have discussed that and I'm trying not to be as dramatic. I'm a lot better than I was when we first married, but there's still work that needs to be done.

So how do I express the desire for him to lead without sounding like a nag? How can I deal with disappointment without allowing it to pull me down?

 

[Created2Write]

Have a baby.

lol. No. Our situation is not conducive to having a child. I'm a full time student, he works long hours.

 

[felix]

lol. No. Our situation is not conducive to having a child. I'm a full time student, he works long hours.

Your situation sometimes happens in the beginning of marriage.
May be take a vacation. However, having a baby changes your priority of everything.

 

[handy]

The best (and hardest!!!!!!!!) way to express the need for him to lead without being a nag is to simply not go places he isn't leading in.

Yes, I did mention it's hard. But, it's altogether too easy for a wife to take the attitude that "if he doesn't do this, I'll fill in the gap"... this holds true for every part of marriage. As far as his meeting your emotional need for romance and little gifts and such... the best way is to not keep bringing it up... but to very amply reward him when he does remember... tell him how much you appreciate it, make sure that he hears, sees, tastes and touches your appreciation.

It does sound as if you're doing your best to meet his needs, but make sure that if you do bring up yours, you also talk over his to make sure that he isn't having something in his heart that might be unknown to you.

As far as how to deal with disappointment... Believe me, these kinds of disappointments are just part of life. The best way to not let it pull you down is to.... seriously... not let it pull you down. Once those negative thoughts come in, take them captive before the Lord and concentrate on what all your husband is doing for you and for your home. (If you have a really good girlfriend that you can be open with, without tearing your husband down, let her be the receptacle of any negative thoughts that you really have to get off your chest... or you can visit the Ladies Locker Room here.

I'm not saying that you should never express your thoughts honestly to your husband about things that perhaps he can improve upon... just pray for a lot of wisdom that God will show you when and how to bring it up. It sounds as if he does know that this is important to you... show a lot of appreciation when he comes through... be very sparing of asking for it and learn to adjust to what reality is for him, that he isn't that demonstrative of a guy in this area...

Believe me, this is what marriage is... adjusting our own needs to what reality is.

 

[nolonger]

First off I commend you on seeking help! It can be a difficult thing to say I need more than I have.

When I got married I had a man give me this word of advice: he said that a true Christ centered marriage only is birthed when both people die to their self centered needs. He explained it like this...when the Lord spoke to us that through marriage two become one, He was stating to us that their must be a letting go of self, and embrace being united to our spouse. For new life in Christ to come we must first be willing to let our old life go, for the greater cause of following the leading of Christ. All to often we try to take matters into our own hands by trying to fix it ourselves. However, the Lord designed it to work. The husbands part is to lay himself down for his bride, just as Jesus laid Himself down for His bride, the church, us! The wives job is to submit to his leading. Ouch. The problem there lies...we do not want to do that. The man often times is so wrapped up in his career, his pride, his toys, and his favorite Tv shows, to lay himself down for his wife. The wife on the other hand has been fed the American lie that she needs to be independant, powerful, goal oriented, and self sufficient. Not Gods design; it is the worlds though.

So the first place I would begin is by answering this question: ARE YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND FULLY SUBMITTED TO THE LORDSHIP OF JESUS CHRIST??? If not, then you are not going to find the blessings of Gods design for your marriage. If you are, then God is preparing an incredible testimony of overcoming in His name.

The world will pull us one way, and the Lord pulls the opposite way. If we are in the middle and not willing to let go, there is pain. My suggestions would be this:

1) Be who you want him to be. If you desire your husband to be one way, then be that way to him--while praying that your example to him would bring conviction from the Holy Spirit.

2) Make God your source. Fall on your knees and ask the Lord to fill every void inside of you; daily.

3) Do not give up. Do not entertain giving up. There are very few things that the Lord says he hates; divorce is one of them. God can completely transform your marriage into the one you thought you would be in as you stood at the alter! He is in the business of taking things that are broken and without hope and making them the showpiece of His glory! Believe it!

4) Pray in faith. Invite the Lord into your marriage, this problem, and your needs, believing that He will answer. We often give into the doubt. Don't! The Lord is not interested in answering our prayers of doubt; He gets no Glory for that; He does get glory for answering when we pray in faith.

5) Do not compromise! Compromising is sin, and it brings forth death. If it takes getting plastered, or watching porn to get things moving...FLEE! My brother lost his marriage when he and his wife (a pastors daughter) began to compromise. Do it, or don't; the middle ground is full of pain.

6) Forgive. The scariest verse in the bible is when Jesus tells us that if we do not forgive, we will not be forgiven. Forgiveness is a reset button to those that are surrendered to Christ. We can at all times start over through forgiveness. However this only is birthed when we lay down the offenses that happened to us and focus on the fact that the offenses where much greater to Christ, and that our lives our now His.

7) Love. It does not seek it's own, rather it seeks the interests of others higher than its own.

Those are my thoughts. One more...

God's word is full of answers, it is the instruction manual for our lives. In it is hidden everything that we need to live the fullest of lives. However, the path that is laid out within the pages, is contrary to the very nature that drives us. In it alone do we find the answers we need...open it, read it, and apply it.

I hope this helps!

 

[nolonger]

PS...

When I am being an idiot, my wives prayers can bring me to my knees--crying out to God to help me be the man she needs me to be.

I am praying for you guys!!! And, believing that thirty years from now you will be sharing with some young bucks the keys to have a thriving Christ centered marriage!

 

[Created2Write]

The best (and hardest!!!!!!!!) way to express the need for him to lead without being a nag is to simply not go places he isn't leading in.

Yes, I did mention it's hard. But, it's altogether too easy for a wife to take the attitude that "if he doesn't do this, I'll fill in the gap"... this holds true for every part of marriage. As far as his meeting your emotional need for romance and little gifts and such... the best way is to not keep bringing it up... but to very amply reward him when he does remember... tell him how much you appreciate it, make sure that he hears, sees, tastes and touches your appreciation.

I haven't been trying to fill in the gap, so it's good to hear that I've been doing something right. Is there something I can say to help? I don't want to take over his role, but nor do I want to live without his leadership. Ya know? I also definitely try to get excited when he does things for me, whatever it may be.

It does sound as if you're doing your best to meet his needs, but make sure that if you do bring up yours, you also talk over his to make sure that he isn't having something in his heart that might be unknown to you.

Good point! The times when our conversations have been the healthiest and had the best outcomes have been when we're both heard and acknowledged.

As far as how to deal with disappointment... Believe me, these kinds of disappointments are just part of life. The best way to not let it pull you down is to.... seriously... not let it pull you down. Once those negative thoughts come in, take them captive before the Lord and concentrate on what all your husband is doing for you and for your home. (If you have a really good girlfriend that you can be open with, without tearing your husband down, let her be the receptacle of any negative thoughts that you really have to get off your chest... or you can visit the Ladies Locker Room here.

This is so hard for me to do. I'm very emotional by nature, and that's definitely not a good thing sometimes. I really should be praying more often, even if by myself.

I'm not saying that you should never express your thoughts honestly to your husband about things that perhaps he can improve upon... just pray for a lot of wisdom that God will show you when and how to bring it up. It sounds as if he does know that this is important to you... show a lot of appreciation when he comes through... be very sparing of asking for it and learn to adjust to what reality is for him, that he isn't that demonstrative of a guy in this area...

I do understand that this is completely out of the norm for him. His family was never very expressive, and mine was. So our backgrounds in this are different. I am learning that changing ones habits isn't easy. It's not easy for me to go without things that I was raised with, nor is it easy for him to do things for me that weren't done in his family. They weren't physically affectionate at all, so that's been a difficultly since my family was. But I do need to remember this, and not assume that he's forgetting on purpose.

Believe me, this is what marriage is... adjusting our own needs to what reality is.

Thanks.

 

[Created2Write]

Nolonger: thank you for your very inspiring and motivating post. I just wanted to say that I don't have time atm to reply, but I loved reading what you said.

 

[phantom309]

I guess I should clarify this too, seeing as you seem to be deriving a lot from what I said that wasn't really there. I'm not the girl who needs a lot of gifts, especially not expensive ones. A hand written love letter from him would mean just as much as a set of pearl earrings. A single red rose would mean just as much as a dozen. A night of making our own food and sitting down to dinner, with maybe a cheap bottle of wine as a surprise, would mean just as much as an expensive night out. So please don't assume that I'm high maintenance. Cause I'm really not. And in comparison to how our financial situation has been in the past, we're doing well right now.

A lot more clarity would have been good.I didnt derive much here,please refer back to your original post before taking offense.You directly stated that you are emotional and romantic and like to get gifts,go on dates and all the romantic stuff.You further commented that financially speaking its been rather stressful.So no,I didnt derive much here..I followed what you posted,and did not invent anything.

I should have said that those texts he promised were going to come on his break. He gets two fifteen minute breaks throughout the day, and one half-our lunch. I don't blame him for not texting on his lunch. Thirty minutes isn't a long time to eat. But when he comes up with the idea of using his breaks as a way of saying nice things to me, flirting with me, etc. and then he doesn't follow through, I really don't think I should be the one blamed.

Where did I issue blame?Again,the issue of vague detail surfaces.These are things you never stated,and had you said so,my offered opinion would have been entirely different.The only thing I had to say on the matter comes from personal work experience,and addressed how texting during work can interfere with things.I see now that you were referring to his break times,but this and other details you didnt offer at the time.

Sorry, but this is VERY antagonistic. I don't know where you get the impression that I expect a fairy tale romance from him, but I really don't. We've talked a lot about our emotional needs, and we both agree that we should do what we can to fulfill the other person. For him, sex, massages and verbal affirmation are vitally important. He's said that he needs verbal affirmation from me daily. Judging by what you've posted, so long as I'm a good girl, I stay true to him and I keep away from other men, then he shouldn't complain, right? I shouldn't have to work on our actual relationship, right?

That should have been the least offensive comment,yet somehow youre on the defense again.I got the impression that youre an emotionally needy person who expects regular gifts and other coaxing from your own words.If youve both agreed to a set of behavior and he isnt owning up to that,then I would agree that he needs to man up a bit.However,these were not details that you provided at the time,and you seem to be judging my words based on what may be happening versus what you actually stated.

As for the latter half,I think we both know that I never stated anything of the sort.I was basically just saying that if youre husband is generally a good guy dont worry about the little things and dont sweat the small stuff.Again,the proper details should have been provided to outline the picture as it is.Where did I say that you should bow down to his every move?I didnt.When did I state that he shouldnt work on the marriage?Thats your interjection.Again,provide some clear details.

I don't agree at all, and I don't appreciate what you've implied in this post at all. This isn't even specifically about the texts, that was just an example used of how he's not always lived up to his word. No, he's never cheated, he works hard to provide for me and he's nice, but there should be more to a marriage relationship than that. I know he expects more than that from me.

I guess that makes two of us,I really dont appreciate the attitude in general.I provided a response in what is an open forum based on the details you gave.If you dont agree with what I have to say thats fine..we see it all the time here.No need to be so defensive or borderline hostile.

I completely agree that marriage is more than that.After you provided specific example of how your husband hasnt kept his word and why I can see why youre frustrated with him.Bear in mind,you did not state any of this at the time.

It sure felt like you were picking on me AND belittling my concerns. My husband and I have tried and continue to try and understand each other better. If I ever heard from him, "Hey, I work hard, I don't cheat and I stay away from bars so you should be happy with our relationship", I think I just might leave him for a few days. I would never, ever, say such a thing to him. I really don't like making his lunch for him every day. In fact, I hate it. It's not fun. But I know he really appreciates it. It means a lot to him. So I do it anyway. I don't like cleaning his dirty, smelly clothes. I don't like having to clean up after him, when he doesn't remember to put those dirty clothes in the hamper. But, I know he likes to come home to a clean batch of clothes and a semi-cleaned space, so I do it anyway. He expects me to meet his needs, and I expect him to meet mine.

Ive already stated that this is just my 2 cents.I tend to be pretty blunt about things,and when giving my opinion its usually in a matter-of-fact manner.Some see it for what it is and some take offense to that approach.Such is life.

Again,youve taken my comment out of context.I dont expect or advocate the 50's mentality of do what youre told and wash the dishes while youre at it.Ive never alluded to anything of the sort.A good marriage involves mutual sacrifice and helping one another,I agree.But dont hold me accountable for details you didnt provide in conversation.

 

[chaz345]

If I may make a hopefully constructive observation here.

First, for perspective, I know Created in real life, and have been on various forums with her for at least a couple of years.

While the observations and conclusions made by Phantom are "wrong" from a factual standpoint, given the information provided in the OP, they are, in my opinion, entirely reasonable and not really unnecessarily judgemental or antagonistic. I suspect one reason that they may have been received that way is the long history of a certain group of people from another forum being truly judgemental and antagonistic toward her. I know from experience that when I'm deep into it with that same group, I see judgement and antagonism from other people at times when it's not at all intended. So my suggestions to you two(Phantom and Created) would be this:

Phantom: Realize that she's come from a very unhealthy forum and may tend to see antagonism/attack where none was intended.

Created: First off, for the love of everything holy, GET AWAY from that bunch. It's utterly and completely not worth any more time. I know I still get sucked in out of some need to have something resembling the truth presented. I need to stop that too. But as relates to moving forward, any time you see something that feels like judgement/attack/antagonism, STOP. Remind yourself that you are not dealing with one of them, and then with that in mind, go back and re-read, assuming that antagonism is not intended(same thing I've said before when dealing with one's spouse) and look to see how they may have concluded what they did. Assume the best in them first.

 

[phantom309]

Quite understandable considering some of the element we have here.

Ive grown tired of the incessant attacks and general mayhem from some of the nonbelievers who frequent the site.They come in under the guise of chatting and learning,but as time goes by they display otherwise.They know full well our stance on things and enjoy attempting to dismantle/disprove and stir up dissent.After dealing with it so long,you automatically assume the worst in most situations.

So yea,if thats the case then no harm done.I dont expect to get along with everyone in an internet forum either,Im familiar to the drama such an outlet is prone to.

Other than that,thanks for your input and good day.

 

[chaz345]

Quite understandable considering some of the element we have here.

Ive grown tired of the incessant attacks and general mayhem from some of the nonbelievers who frequent the site.They come in under the guise of chatting and learning,but as time goes by they display otherwise.They know full well our stance on things and enjoy attempting to dismantle/disprove and stir up dissent.After dealing with it so long,you automatically assume the worst in most situations.

So yea,if thats the case then no harm done.I dont expect to get along with everyone in an internet forum either,Im familiar to the drama such an outlet is prone to.

Other than that,thanks for your input and good day.

The people I'm talking about that Created and I have been dealing with claim to be believers. They are just, IMO, angry, bitter jealous women who are that way, in part, because of their own crappy marriages. Then again, it's entirely possible that their crappy attitude is what made their marriage crappy in the first place. In any case, I do hope you didn't hear me as saying that you were wrong to say what you did. That's sort of why I put wrong in quotes. The conclusions you drew were incorrect, but entirely understandable given the information you had to work with.

In terms of getting along, that was sort of my point is jumping in where I did. I didn't want that initial interaction between you two, which involved some wrong conclusions and assumptions in both directions, to be what defined the ongoing interaction between you on this forum.

 

[phantom309]

Indeed sir,noted and greatly appreciated.

Many wouldnt have tried to hop in and mediate,so I definitely respect the fact that you did.

Thanks again.

 

[Created2Write]

A lot more clarity would have been good.I didnt derive much here,please refer back to your original post before taking offense.You directly stated that you are emotional and romantic and like to get gifts,go on dates and all the romantic stuff.You further commented that financially speaking its been rather stressful.So no,I didnt derive much here..I followed what you posted,and did not invent anything.

Perhaps asking for clarification would have been better than assuming? I understand that I didn't provide a lot of necessary information, but being that you tend to be blunt when you post(as you said you sometimes are), it would have been nice on my end to have time to better explain myself before feeling like I was being made to be at fault. I wasn't even here to try and talk about my husband. My intentions were to give a brief history, explain some of my personal difficulties, and receive advice for myself and how to deal with negativity, completely independent of my husband.

Where did I issue blame?Again,the issue of vague detail surfaces.These are things you never stated,and had you said so,my offered opinion would have been entirely different.The only thing I had to say on the matter comes from personal work experience,and addressed how texting during work can interfere with things.I see now that you were referring to his break times,but this and other details you didnt offer at the time.

And I should have clarified, you're right. However, bluntness can and does come across as issuing blame. Again, clarifying these things would have been best, or saving the truly blunt comments until you had more info.

That should have been the least offensive comment,yet somehow youre on the defense again.I got the impression that youre an emotionally needy person who expects regular gifts and other coaxing from your own words.If youve both agreed to a set of behavior and he isnt owning up to that,then I would agree that he needs to man up a bit.However,these were not details that you provided at the time,and you seem to be judging my words based on what may be happening versus what you actually stated.

It was the way you worded it, Phantom. I'm sure it wasn't intentional, but it sounded very accusational and antagonistic. Considering that I have stated that I'm an emotional person, do you really think you should have used the words "expect a fairy tale romance"? It made me feel like my emotions sound unrealistic, burdensome and juvenile. Why wouldn't someone feel defensive about that?

As for the latter half,I think we both know that I never stated anything of the sort.I was basically just saying that if youre husband is generally a good guy dont worry about the little things and dont sweat the small stuff.

It was worded poorly, then, in my opinion because that was not the meaning I took at all. It sounded as if, based on the rest of your post, that I shouldn't expect my emotional needs to be met and that I should be happy and content with the fact that he's a good guy. Please reread your post and consider things from my perspective.

Again,the proper details should have been provided to outline the picture as it is.Where did I say that you should bow down to his every move?I didnt.When did I state that he shouldnt work on the marriage?Thats your interjection.Again,provide some clear details.

You didn't out and say it, but from the tone of your post is sounded as if that was exactly what you thought I should do. I'm glad to be wrong.

I guess that makes two of us,I really dont appreciate the attitude in general.I provided a response in what is an open forum based on the details you gave.If you dont agree with what I have to say thats fine..we see it all the time here.No need to be so defensive or borderline hostile.

Attitude goes two ways, Phantom. Bluntness is not always an asset, especially on a forum where tone of voice is absent. Please consider this when responding to others, or at least to me. Out of all the absent information, some you did have was that I am an emotional person. This could have tipped you off that, perhaps, in this instance it would be best to be a bit gentler in your response? I am sorry that I misunderstood your meanings.

I completely agree that marriage is more than that.After you provided specific example of how your husband hasnt kept his word and why I can see why youre frustrated with him.Bear in mind,you did not state any of this at the time.

Ive already stated that this is just my 2 cents.I tend to be pretty blunt about things,and when giving my opinion its usually in a matter-of-fact manner.Some see it for what it is and some take offense to that approach.Such is life.

Again, maybe you could alter how you react to people as well? Communication issues usually aren't the fault of just one person, imo.