Marriage Troubles

[chaz345]

In the past we've gone through cycles where he does well for a week, and then he'll forget for a day or two, and then he'll just stop trying. My struggle has been not letting my hurt and pain get in the way of me meeting his needs.

Disclaimer for anyone reading along:
I know both Created and her husband in real life so I'll be saying things based on stuff that someone just reading the OP would not necessarily know. Just didn't want someone to think "where did that come from?" when reading my response.


Now on to my answer:
Knowing what I know about your husband and about you, I suspect that a part of him giving up trying is because he doesn't feel that the things he can do are good enough. NOT because you expect too much, but because he wants to do so much better and so much more. Even during the times you've been over at our house when things have been a little "off" between you, even I, mister can't read people to save his life, can see that in his mind and heart you are a princess who deserves all the best. I honestly believe from watching you two interact, that one of the greatest sources of disappointment in his life at the moment is that he can't do for you all he wants to. And if he can't do it right, he gives up and does nothing. Again, it's not about you being unreasonable in what you expect, it's about him wanting to be able to do so much more.

In terms of what to do about it, make a big deal about the things he does do. If he gets a noticeable positive reaction from things that he may feel aren't good enough, he'll probably be more inclined to continue them.

 

[reba]

Any tips on what I can do to battle the negative thoughts?

I have been married 48+ years . i was 17 he 19. I doubt i can say much to help you on how to battle the negative thoughts... Young one, do battle them they will/can cause a division a deep wound you do not want.... I often must remind my self what ever you do do as unto the Lord... From making lunches to reading Narnia.

Knowing one should 'battle the negative' is really good beginning! Do not allow your self to dwell on them... Do not leave an emptiness fill it with a song or favorite verse....

 

[chaz345]

Knowing one should 'battle the negative' is really good beginning! Do not allow your self to dwell on them... Do not leave an emptiness fill it with a song or favorite verse....

Good point, I didn't even think of that. Knowing that one must fight against the negative feelings puts her light years ahead of far too many people today, who "follow their heart" regardless of wether or not it's in a good positive direction. To put it another way, knowing that the feelings must be fought against is half the battle.

 

[Created2Write]

Disclaimer for anyone reading along:
I know both Created and her husband in real life so I'll be saying things based on stuff that someone just reading the OP would not necessarily know. Just didn't want someone to think "where did that come from?" when reading my response.


Now on to my answer:
Knowing what I know about your husband and about you, I suspect that a part of him giving up trying is because he doesn't feel that the things he can do are good enough. NOT because you expect too much, but because he wants to do so much better and so much more. Even during the times you've been over at our house when things have been a little "off" between you, even I, mister can't read people to save his life, can see that in his mind and heart you are a princess who deserves all the best. I honestly believe from watching you two interact, that one of the greatest sources of disappointment in his life at the moment is that he can't do for you all he wants to. And if he can't do it right, he gives up and does nothing. Again, it's not about you being unreasonable in what you expect, it's about him wanting to be able to do so much more.

In terms of what to do about it, make a big deal about the things he does do. If he gets a noticeable positive reaction from things that he may feel aren't good enough, he'll probably be more inclined to continue them.

This is, generally speaking, usually the answer he gives me as well. Admittedly, it's probably in part due to some of the disappoint I show when he has forgotten before. And, unfortunately, it's happened more times than either of us wish to count. And I don't handle disappointment well, one of my biggest faults. But I have noticed lately that when I make a big deal out of things, other things usually come behind it more frequently. I've also been giving him positive verbal affirmation about things unrelated to the nice things he does, so that he feels appreciated as a whole person. It's seems to do him good.

I hate being a pessimist. I wasn't always a pessimist, but the last few years have just...I dunno, turned me the other direction. I see negativity more than I see positivity, and I absolutely hate that. There's no joy in pessimism, and I can see the strain it takes sometimes. It's one thing to be honest about the reality of a situation, but to take that to such an extreme that I can't enjoy the good that is there, makes the relationship seem really toxic at times. But he's been as steadfast in his desire to keep us together as he ever was before, so I know he loves me to death. I just wish I was better at expressing how much he means to me.

 

[Created2Write]

I have been married 48+ years . i was 17 he 19. I doubt i can say much to help you on how to battle the negative thoughts... Young one, do battle them they will/can cause a division a deep wound you do not want.... I often must remind my self what ever you do do as unto the Lord... From making lunches to reading Narnia.

Knowing one should 'battle the negative' is really good beginning! Do not allow your self to dwell on them... Do not leave an emptiness fill it with a song or favorite verse....

I'm probably going to sound really juvenile here, but it is so hard to battle negativity. My dad is an incredibly negative person, and so is my mom. They tend to be cynical and critical and opinionated, and even though they don't intend to, their negativity rubs off on me a lot. I have good days, but usually it's a real fight to be positive about things, even if they're disappointing. I jump to the worst conclusions in my mind, even though I know those conclusions are ridiculous.

Thank you for the advice of not dwelling on the negativity. That's another issue I have. I tend to fester in the disappointment, which is worse than the negative thoughts. I guess this will take some mental and emotional discipline....*gulp*

 

[Created2Write]

Good point, I didn't even think of that. Knowing that one must fight against the negative feelings puts her light years ahead of far too many people today, who "follow their heart" regardless of wether or not it's in a good positive direction. To put it another way, knowing that the feelings must be fought against is half the battle.

This is SO incredibly difficult. When something "feels" right, even if it's wrong, it's so difficult to fight against my initial response. Usually it's an incredibly small thing that sets me off, and I know that I shouldn't be upset, but I feel like I should be. Ugh. I. hate. it.

 

[Created2Write]

Phantom: I would like to apologize for any attitude I had with you. You're right, I didn't list a lot of information in my post and I shouldn't have been upset. Your words, as I think chaz touched on once before, resembled those of others both online and in real life who simply didn't take the time to understand where I was coming from. The "romantic fairy tale" was what specifically upset me, and I took it personally, even though I see now that it wasn't meant to be personal. Again, I'm sorry.

 

[phantom309]

Hola once again,
Not a problem..I think the majority of these kinds of problems occur online simply due to the fact that the reader of a post is many times blindly interpreting the general demeanor of the other posters.Its no big surprise then that the arguments which ensue start so quickly and over nothing.

Thank you though,and Im also sorry for any offense that was taken.It definitely wasnt my intent.

As far as the blunt honesty goes,Ill just be honest and admit that its one aspect of me least likely to change.I do fully realize that at times its not the best approach,but since about age 16 or so I adopted the personal policy of speaking whats on my mind,and laying it out honestly.Prior to that,I was timid and shy.After getting tired of not being taken seriously when I did try to sidestep around peoples feelings,I opted for a change of pace.One thing I realized early is the fact that you cant please everyone,which most times will include the majority of the people around you.Therefore,I reasoned that I may as well just be honest with how I felt,and if someone didnt agree with it then we could talk or we could walk.I guess its a combination of being true to myself and just being plain honest with whoever Im interacting with.

Now this isnt to say that I think its ok to verbalize everything that crosses my mind..obviously thats just out of line.Anyone who follows that road is just begging for a beating.Im not perfect either,so sometimes it just goes a little too far but I do try to treat everyone I come across fairly.

Anyway,I know that ran kind of long and life stories are pretty dull,but Im just trying to give you an idea of whats going on that we might understand each other a little better.

Now that weve crashed through the ice..welcome to CFnet.

 

[handy]

created2write,

One thing that might be helpful is to focus squarely on the Scriptures.... in our society we tend to use words like positive, negativity, self-esteem, all good words, nothing wrong with them, but not Biblical words. As Christians, if we can focus on what God tells us, we can expect His Spirit to both bless and guide us.

One text that is worthy of being memorized is 1 Thessalonians 5:15-18:

See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all men. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

This is a great text with very practical advice.

What is God's will for us? Don't repay evil for evil but rather seek after good for all men (especially husbands!).

What else is God's will?

Rejoice. When? Always.
Pray. When? Without ceasing.
Give thanks. For what? For everything.

By focusing on these things, rather than trying to emphasize the "positive" over the "negative", we are actually following God's spoken will for us and are much more insured of reaping His blessings, especially in our marriages.

 

[farouk]

created2write,

One thing that might be helpful is to focus squarely on the Scriptures.... in our society we tend to use words like positive, negativity, self-esteem, all good words, nothing wrong with them, but not Biblical words. As Christians, if we can focus on what God tells us, we can expect His Spirit to both bless and guide us.

One text that is worthy of being memorized is 1 Thessalonians 5:15-18:

See that no one repays another with evil for evil, but always seek after that which is good for one another and for all men. Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

This is a great text with very practical advice.

What is God's will for us? Don't repay evil for evil but rather seek after good for all men (especially husbands!).

What else is God's will?

Rejoice. When? Always.
Pray. When? Without ceasing.
Give thanks. For what? For everything.

By focusing on these things, rather than trying to emphasize the "positive" over the "negative", we are actually following God's spoken will for us and are much more insured of reaping His blessings, especially in our marriages.

handy:

Excellent sentiments and I liked the way the verses in 1 Thess. 5 are explained, too.

Blessings.