Marrying an unbeliever???

[cookiemunster]

Hi folks! New to the forum and need insight...

My boyfriend and I have been living together in fornication for about 3 years now. We have a 16 month old baby boy. Prior to our relationship I was saved but backslid into sin. I recently have confessed my sins to Jesus and made a commitment to make myself right in His eyes. I also sat down with my bf and gave him the Good News of Jesus. I told him I was worried for his salvation, that we were living in sin, and we could no longer have premarital sex.
His response was..who am I to say whether or not he is a believer in God, he said that he does believe in God (and reminded me of the times he prayed to God, which was only when he needed/wanted something), he also said that I sounded like a cult, and suggested we get married.

I love him and I know he loves me very much but here is my concern:

1) the bible says we are not to be "unequally yoked" with an unbeliever. does this apply to marriage as well? b/c the verse doesn't say anything about marriage
2) Paul then goes to say in 1 Cor, "an unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife.....otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy"
I don't know if Paul is saying it's ok to marry an unbeliever or not?
3)my situation is much more complicated b/c we have a child together and who am I to say what is in my bf's heart? only God knows whether he is a believer or not

I have been praying fervently about this and need more advice. Thanks for any light you can shed.

 

[Mike]

Welcome to CFnet, CM. Glad you joined.

Yup, this isn't as easy as it would be if you hadn't conceived a child with him. It's complicated, and your decisions won't be easy going forward.

You've brought up some weighty matters that deserve much attention in your life right not; sanctification by a believing spouse and being unequally yoked by an unbeliever. Likely, you will get varying opinions on marrying your boyfriend. I usually warn people considering marriage to a non-believer to slow down, and even consider walking away. But now that you have a child with him, you have one very good reason to stay.

1 Cor 7:14 says that an unbelieving husband is sanctified by a believing wife. This is true, but I believe this is saying that marriage to an unbeliever will not be "defiled" (sorry, couldn't think of another word) because her faith would sanctify him/the marriage. This sanctification has nothing to do with salvation, just be clear. If you were to marry him, you're marriage wouldn't be spoiled because of his lack of faith. I would say the odds of you changing him, or him changing, are not great at all, so you have manage your expectations with a whole lot of prayer.

2 Cor 6:14 does say not to be unequally yoked to unbelievers, and I believe this is speaking to marriage. It's been said (and some will disagree) that it can be thought of like this: a yoke keeps to animals going in the same direction. If you are unequally yoked, the non-believer could lead you astray because he's exerting his will. Paul warned against this, because when a Christian and a non-believer marry, they can expect that you will be going in different directions, especially on matters that are of particular importance to you.

Typically, I would say move out of the house until, and if, you marry him. But again the baby, the baby, the baby... You made an adult decision that led to this beautiful child's conception. Now you have to make adult decisions, weighing the results of your first adult decision.

If you stay, I believe you need to make it right and pledge yourselves as soon as possible - or, you just tell him, it's not the best answer, but you're thinking about moving out near by until you are married.

If you go, you are going to have to make arrangements for both of you to play a roll in this little one's life.

You asked, I've said it, and I'll say it again. 1 Cor 7 IS speaking to marriage among other relationships, and 2 Cor 6:14 says nothing about his eternal salvation. I'll pray for each of you three, tht God shows up and changes lives.

 

[likegiver]

This sounds like the same thing that was wrong with me. But I AM HAPPY that I veared back into the lord rather then stay on the foot path of destruction. But all I can recommend is how I treated it with my wife. I do family dinner now rather then have the tv on and having the distraction of the tube rather then time with the family. I brought up church and asked her what questions she had rather then me bashing all over her hopes and ego but instead I leanded a open ear. And before I got up i told her the invite is open if you ever want to attend church with me and right after dinner was over and the lil one was down she said i WILL BE happy to tend church with you.

What I am trying to get at is rather then come hard at him with versus from the bible just sit with him like a human and ask him what questions and concerns does he have and by the time you know it he will see u want to help and he will learn to be more concerned that you are helping is spiritual safety.

 

[handy]

Yes, the bible does say not to be unequally yoked with unbelievers, but you are already yoked to him...the baby!

Because of the baby...marry, be a good wife, mom, and trust that God has some special meaning to say that an unbelieving husband can be sanctified through his wife.

Also, don't discount his prayers to God...one of the biggest mistakes "evangelical" Christians make is the idea that all have to Christians act, talk, look like them. I would say one of the most damaging things that could happen to his faith, whatever it is, at this point would be for the mother of his child to refuse to marry him and leave him because he isn't "Christian".

My husband was a man who only prayed to God occasionally. He didn't read the bible nor go to church, but nonetheless he was a believer. That's changed now...now he leads this family in spiritual matters....it's been a long and not always easy road, but we're getting there.

It sounds as if you have the foundation to have a strong family...not an easy road, but then no marriage ever is...but if the father of your baby is asking you to marry him, then what is most honoring to God is to marry him and to do the hard work of making the marriage a successful one.

My husband just looked in and asked if I'm going to be done quickly because we're getting ready for church...talk about a timely interruption.

 

[Danus]

You have a child with a man you've been living with. Sound like you guys love each other. You are now turned to the Lord, and he says he believes in God and has prayed, and suggest you get married. It sounds better than what it's been. What's the problem?

Being a Christian is not about living a trouble free life. Life is still a struggle, the only difference is that God is with you in the midst of that struggle. We are all a little unequally yoked in our thoughts and decisions, but this man of yours says he believes in God and wants the two of you to get married. You believe in God. He believes in God. You love each other. Why not seal this thing up in the eyes of God and walk this journey of life with God together? What's the alternative, and is it better?

I think too often we tend to think of our Christianity and faith as; "if your not in your out!", and that's just not true. Every believer is tempted and tested and pulled by this world, and some times we fall, and stumble. We get angry and have thoughts that are counter to what God would have of us, but does God just turn his back on us during those times? Does he say, "Sorry, but you just aren't measuring up." He does not. Instead we are corrected, we repent again and often again, but God does not leave us. Only we can leave the relationship, and I am convinced that he chases after and calls us even then.

If you turn away from this relationship with your boy friend because you think he does not measure up with his belief in God the way you do, that will be you turning your back on an invitation to marriage to a man who has said he believes in God.

Stop trying to do everything in his heart and let God do his thing for the both of you. If you truly believe in God, then why not give God a chance? Let this marriage of two believers be a test of your new faith. The two of you could walk together as a family with God as your yoke.

You and your man did not just have a child...God gave you both that child as a blessing. He's talking to both of you.

 

[likegiver]

I agree with you danus and everyone else that has posted on here to this lady thought. It does sound like the boy is on a good track why not marry him and see where the lord takes this. Because mostly if one person sees another person doing something good in the marriage and it makes that one person happy the other tends to follow right along in the others foot step.

 

[Danus]

....... if one person sees another person doing something good in the marriage and it makes that one person happy the other tends to follow right along in the others foot step.

God has a way of using one to get to the other. He's sly that way. He stretches his plan father than we can see, and that's why we say to trust him. He does give us a glimpse of that plan as we go, and I think that's our reward for our trust, but when we see it we are strengthened by those glimpses and our trust in him grows stronger for the next time when we don't see it. That's the building of our faith over time.

 

[cookiemunster]

Thank you all so much for your input! likegiver, i will definitely heed your advice. God has been pressing the issue of staying in my heart but of course I was listening to my own thoughts instead. I'll keep you all posted in the meantime please pray for us. Thank you soooo much! =)

 

[likegiver]

Thank you all so much for your input! likegiver, i will definitely heed your advice. God has been pressing the issue of staying in my heart but of course I was listening to my own thoughts instead. I'll keep you all posted in the meantime please pray for us. Thank you soooo much! =)

anytime and as refound christian i find myself wanting to jump the gun with my wife on some things but its a slow process of her to get use to this new life style and will do. also be looking forward to the updates.

 

[SMOOCH]

Hello room, I'm new to the forum and in a similar situation.
I didn't meet my fiance in the most christian way, actually there was nothing christ like about it. I admit it was really bad on both parts, a few months into our "relationship" we found out that I was pregnant. Fast forwarding to now (2 years into the relationship), we have a great relationship although fornication is apart of our relationship, however we dont live together because of his prior deployment and his current station being out of the country. Im really working on getting my journey with Christ together and plan to bring our child up in Christ. His family are baptist and he prays and on some level he believes. I dont doubt that we could make it through a marriage but I just want to know if God will not only bless a marriage between two ppl that are not equally yoked but if a marriage of such should even exist.

 

[handy]

Smooch,

I saw your post in prayers and praises and remembered that you had posted something here as well.

I thought I would respond to both posts here, as this is more of a discussion forum and P&P's is for... well, prayer requests and praise reports.

I hope you don't mind that I quote your other posts here as well.... If you do, let me know and I'll edit!!!

ever since i read that a second marriage is an adulterous one i've been researching it. although this would be my first its his second and according to the bible by my own understanding a 2nd marriage would mean adultery for him and fornication for me. sexual immorality in his first marriage was not the issue but rather it wasnt a right fit for them. it has me incredibly sad because im happy and we have a beautiful daughter together. I keep racking my brain trying to figure out what to do because i know my life on earth is meant to be spent on a journey towards heaven. I just wanted to ask that yall pray that HE gives me an answer and that yall can pray for me. :

i dont doubt that we'd have a wonderful life on earth, my issue is with the after life.. GOD said an adulterer would never get into heaven and where his soul will spend eternity does concern me as well as where my own will be. In Gods eyes he is still bound to his first wife... two cant become one if there is a third

There are a lot of things to consider here. The easiest one is to consider how much life would be simpler if we would all follow God's precepts in the first place, in which case he would be happily married to his first wife and you would be free from this drama.

But, if there is one thing we have learned about God in the course of human existence is that He is constantly working things out, even when we screw things up! Indeed, His love and faithfulness has no end.

It seems to me that you have three courses of action:

1: Continue to fornicate with your fiance... and just as adulterer's wont enter into heaven, sister, neither will fornicators. Not marrying the man isn't going to get him off the hook for adultery nor you off the hook for fornication if you continue having sex with him.

2: Marry the man, but then will he remain an adulterer? More on that after this:

3: Break up with the man and repent of your sins. Work out a custody arrangement for your daughter and walk more humbly before the Lord.

Obviously what you want to do is Option 2... but will this option be what is most obedient and glorying to God?

To know that, you need to answer (not to me, but to God) several questions:

You describe him as an unbeliever... was he a believer when he married and divorced his first wife? I think this is important to consider, because God truly does "forgive and forget" the sins we are party too when we weren't believers. Keep in mind the full context of the text that you are concerned about...1 Corinthians 6

<sup class="versenum" id="en-NASB-28477">9</sup> Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, <sup class="versenum" id="en-NASB-28478">10</sup> nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. <sup class="versenum" id="en-NASB-28479">11</sup> Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.

Such were some of you... the Body of Christ is filled with those who were once fornicators, adulterers, etc, but are now washed, sanctified and justified. Even if your fiance isn't a believer at this point, if he wasn't a believer then, there is full forgiveness and newness to be brought in. If you become his wife, you can become an avenue of sanctification for him... no promises, and I wouldn't recommend it except that you already have a child with this man and desire to do God's will with him.

Secondly, does his first wife seek a reconciliation with him? If she does, then there is no way you can move forward with a relationship with him in a godly fashion. However, if she's moved on and is now involved with someone else, then you can still consider things.

Thirdly, does he desire marriage with you. I know you describe the relationship as fiance, but is this one of these relationships in which you're perpetually "engaged" but with never a ring and date...

If he was an unbeliever when he was first married, and his first wife has long moved onward to other relationships, and he desires to be married to the mother of his daughter... then by all means, marry the man. You are already yoked via your daughter and marriage to him will most honor God in this situation.

One last question/senario... what if your fiance was a believer when he married his first wife, and is still now a quasi believer... praying and on some level believing, but not allowing the Lord to be ruler in His life...

If this is the case, then I would strongly urge option 3... heartbreaking as it is, you will do neither him, your daughter, nor yourself any good marrying a blackslidden, carnal Christian who has no desire to repent. You have been engaging in sin with this man for several years now, but I hear a very sincere attitude of repentence and desire to obey God in you now. That will only be hindered if you further yoke yourself to a backslidden, carnal Christian who has no conviction or repentance in his heart.


Lot's to prayerfully consider, but, as of now... before all else.... STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM!!!!! That's fornication and is every bit as sinful as the adultery you wish to avoid. Prayerfully work out whether you should marry him or remain single (and celibate) parents to your child, but don't sleep with him any longer unless and until you're married to him.

 

[SMOOCH]

Smooch,

I saw your post in prayers and praises and remembered that you had posted something here as well.

I thought I would respond to both posts here, as this is more of a discussion forum and P&P's is for... well, prayer requests and praise reports.

I hope you don't mind that I quote your other posts here as well.... If you do, let me know and I'll edit!!!

There are a lot of things to consider here. The easiest one is to consider how much life would be simpler if we would all follow God's precepts in the first place, in which case he would be happily married to his first wife and you would be free from this drama.

But, if there is one thing we have learned about God in the course of human existence is that He is constantly working things out, even when we screw things up! Indeed, His love and faithfulness has no end.

It seems to me that you have three courses of action:

1: Continue to fornicate with your fiance... and just as adulterer's wont enter into heaven, sister, neither will fornicators. Not marrying the man isn't going to get him off the hook for adultery nor you off the hook for fornication if you continue having sex with him.

2: Marry the man, but then will he remain an adulterer? More on that after this:

3: Break up with the man and repent of your sins. Work out a custody arrangement for your daughter and walk more humbly before the Lord.

Obviously what you want to do is Option 2... but will this option be what is most obedient and glorying to God?

To know that, you need to answer (not to me, but to God) several questions:

You describe him as an unbeliever... was he a believer when he married and divorced his first wife? I think this is important to consider, because God truly does "forgive and forget" the sins we are party too when we weren't believers. Keep in mind the full context of the text that you are concerned about...1 Corinthians 6

<SUP id=en-NASB-28477 class=versenum>9</SUP> Or do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor homosexuals, <SUP id=en-NASB-28478 class=versenum>10</SUP> nor thieves, nor the covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor swindlers, will inherit the kingdom of God. <SUP id=en-NASB-28479 class=versenum>11</SUP> Such were some of you; but you were washed, but you were sanctified, but you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and in the Spirit of our God.

Such were some of you... the Body of Christ is filled with those who were once fornicators, adulterers, etc, but are now washed, sanctified and justified. Even if your fiance isn't a believer at this point, if he wasn't a believer then, there is full forgiveness and newness to be brought in. If you become his wife, you can become an avenue of sanctification for him... no promises, and I wouldn't recommend it except that you already have a child with this man and desire to do God's will with him.

Secondly, does his first wife seek a reconciliation with him? If she does, then there is no way you can move forward with a relationship with him in a godly fashion. However, if she's moved on and is now involved with someone else, then you can still consider things.

Thirdly, does he desire marriage with you. I know you describe the relationship as fiance, but is this one of these relationships in which you're perpetually "engaged" but with never a ring and date...

If he was an unbeliever when he was first married, and his first wife has long moved onward to other relationships, and he desires to be married to the mother of his daughter... then by all means, marry the man. You are already yoked via your daughter and marriage to him will most honor God in this situation.

One last question/senario... what if your fiance was a believer when he married his first wife, and is still now a quasi believer... praying and on some level believing, but not allowing the Lord to be ruler in His life...

If this is the case, then I would strongly urge option 3... heartbreaking as it is, you will do neither him, your daughter, nor yourself any good marrying a blackslidden, carnal Christian who has no desire to repent. You have been engaging in sin with this man for several years now, but I hear a very sincere attitude of repentence and desire to obey God in you now. That will only be hindered if you further yoke yourself to a backslidden, carnal Christian who has no conviction or repentance in his heart.


Lot's to prayerfully consider, but, as of now... before all else.... STOP HAVING SEX WITH HIM!!!!! That's fornication and is every bit as sinful as the adultery you wish to avoid. Prayerfully work out whether you should marry him or remain single (and celibate) parents to your child, but don't sleep with him any longer unless and until you're married to him.

First off i want to tell you how much i appreciate you taking the time to respond to my post. Things like this however small they may seem to you is a big deal for me because i registered on this site as a way to fellowship and get more involved with other christians. so again thank you!!

We arent currently having sex which is great because i wanted to take the time to get all of my spiritual ducks in a row. We dont live together or even in the same country currently, yet and wont be until we are married; well after in fact.

As for his previous wife there is no reconciliation and they communicate to take care of their son of course. Marriage was something he brought to the table on more than one occasion and a date has been set, so its really happening. I wouldnt consider him a christian but more of an agnostic. We have had conversations on religion and he has never seemed to take living a life for christ seriously as yet. I truely believe the only reason he considers himself a christian is because thats what his family is. Some people dont choose God or fully understand what it means to be a christian until their done clinging to their youth so to speak. He does little habitual things we were all taught when we were children like praying over his food but i wouldnt catergorize him as a man of God at all.

I need to remember God created man in his image but He is not like us. The things we see as black and white, He sees a gray and the things we allow a gray area He sees in black and white. Im thankful He gives us free will and lets us act how we wish even if that means we have to go through things such as this. Our daughter is even more of a driving force as to why i really want to get back on track with Him so that she and all those i hope to "mentor" in the future at a my future church home can learn from my experiences so that their walk will be strengthened. I just pray one day he will actually want a real relationship with Christ and I also pray my relationship flourishes with the help of faith, prayer and the support of christianforums.net.


Also i dont mind the repost!

 

[handy]

Given the circumstances you describe and since the two of you have a daughter together, I would say that marriage is the alternative that will most honor the Lord.

As for his unbelief... this is something that you'll need to take daily to the Lord and to act as a witness before him.

There are no promises, no guarantees... but you know, my husband wasn't exactly Mr. Christian when we married... He believed, but it was a very general, very "universal" sort of belief. Now, he is a solid man of faith, one whom I can both respect and submit to with joy.

So, while no promises, there is also a lot of hope. And, with our Lord, hope is far, far more than just wishful thinking!:yes

 

[SMOOCH]

Given the circumstances you describe and since the two of you have a daughter together, I would say that marriage is the alternative that will most honor the Lord.

As for his unbelief... this is something that you'll need to take daily to the Lord and to act as a witness before him.

There are no promises, no guarantees... but you know, my husband wasn't exactly Mr. Christian when we married... He believed, but it was a very general, very "universal" sort of belief. Now, he is a solid man of faith, one whom I can both respect and submit to with joy.

So, while no promises, there is also a lot of hope. And, with our Lord, hope is far, far more than just wishful thinking!:yes

im definately going to keep talking to God about this, our relationship and his faith