W
witchy_womyn
Guest
Mi1, I'm not a Christian, so it may not be in your best interest to seek advice on marriage and divorce if you're looking for a Biblical perspective; however, from a secular standpoint (and trying to see this from the Christian perspective as well), it isn't fair to you and particularly your spouse if you married her under false pretenses. Love is the foundation for marriage. Without love, there is no marriage. Now granted, some couples after years of marriage may feel they have fallen out of love, as far as losing that "loving feeling", but the committed love is still there. Love isn't so much of a feeling as it is a commitment. If you're already questioning your commitment, then there is no marriage. You haven't even been married a year. You married her thinking the love would just happen later. It doesn't work that way. That only happens in fairy tales. It doesn't happen in real life. It works like this.
Physical attraction>>>Emotional attraction>>>Emotional, mental, and spiritual connection>>>Love>>>Commitment>>>Marriage
If you miss a step in the sequence, you're destined for disappointment and heartache. Now for some people, especially if you fall in love with someone you've been close friends with for many years, the physical attraction doesn't always come first. Some people experience the emotional attraction (wow! This guy/girl may not be my "type" but they sure have a great personality and a good heart) and then, because of the inner beauty, the other person beings to see the physical beauty. But you can't have one without the other. You can't have a solid relationship with someone you are absolutely, 100% not at all physically attracted to. Likewise, you cannot have a solid relationship with someone who is drop-dead gorgeous, but has the heart of a snake. Like with all things in life, there is a balance. You won't always feel those "butterflies" in your stomach when you look at the person you love, but that doesn't mean you've fallen out of love. Problem is, you never loved your wife in the first place and now you're beginning to see the dire consequences of simply casting yours and her emotions to the wind and saying "well, if it's God's will, it will work". You can't gamble with people's emotional well being like that.
Love takes nurturing. It takes time. It takes dedication. It takes sacrifice. Switching gears from being single to having to be a husband or a wife is quite a shock. You go from being responsible for only yourself to having to tend to the mental, emotional, financial, and physical needs of someone else. If you're wrapped up in tending to someone else's needs, taking care of a house, working, all of the massive daily obligations that you must fulfill, you don't have enough time to cultivate that love. That is why you should never enter into the convenant of marriage with someone whom you don't love. Not this day in age. We live in a fast-paced world nowadays and if you've taken on the enormous task of marriage, you won't have time to fall in love with your spouse. Love is the glue that binds two people together. At least when everything else falls apart, you still have the love that binds you. If you don't have love, then what is binding you to your spouse when everything falls apart? Nothing.
Another aspect of all of this, and I'm not saying this to pry into your life or upset you (but it's very important), I'm assuming that since you are married that you and your wife engage in sexual intercourse. Sex is an act of love (or at least it should be). It is to deepen your love with the person you've chosen to commit yourself to. If there's no love, then you're not "making love" to your wife. You're merely having sex for the sake of having it. You aren't deepening and affirming your love for one another because there was no love there in the first place.
You said in your first post that your wife appeared "emotional and needy". Do you suppose you married her because you wanted to fix her problem? Or perhaps it would have boosted your ego to fulfill her excessive neediness. Sometimes men and women will cling to a needy person because it makes them feel stronger. The problem is, two people should compliment one another. When a weak person latches on to a weaker person, someone is going down with the ship and it's not a pretty sight.
Mi1, I don't have the magical answer here. I do know that it is incredibly unfair to you and your wife to stay in a marriage where there is absolutely no love and it hasn't been a year yet and you're already wanting to bail. It's almost as if your marriage vows were a sham. "To love and to cherish from this day forward". You need to do what you feel is best. The best advice I can offer...if you do decide divorce is the best (or only) option, try getting some sort of counseling to see if you have any unresolved emotional affliction that is causing you to marry women only to end up divorced or getting bored with the marriage after a certain period of time. That way you will be able to make a fresh start and hopefully find a woman you can be in love with as well as stay within the will of God if you decide to get married.
Best of luck!
Physical attraction>>>Emotional attraction>>>Emotional, mental, and spiritual connection>>>Love>>>Commitment>>>Marriage
If you miss a step in the sequence, you're destined for disappointment and heartache. Now for some people, especially if you fall in love with someone you've been close friends with for many years, the physical attraction doesn't always come first. Some people experience the emotional attraction (wow! This guy/girl may not be my "type" but they sure have a great personality and a good heart) and then, because of the inner beauty, the other person beings to see the physical beauty. But you can't have one without the other. You can't have a solid relationship with someone you are absolutely, 100% not at all physically attracted to. Likewise, you cannot have a solid relationship with someone who is drop-dead gorgeous, but has the heart of a snake. Like with all things in life, there is a balance. You won't always feel those "butterflies" in your stomach when you look at the person you love, but that doesn't mean you've fallen out of love. Problem is, you never loved your wife in the first place and now you're beginning to see the dire consequences of simply casting yours and her emotions to the wind and saying "well, if it's God's will, it will work". You can't gamble with people's emotional well being like that.
Love takes nurturing. It takes time. It takes dedication. It takes sacrifice. Switching gears from being single to having to be a husband or a wife is quite a shock. You go from being responsible for only yourself to having to tend to the mental, emotional, financial, and physical needs of someone else. If you're wrapped up in tending to someone else's needs, taking care of a house, working, all of the massive daily obligations that you must fulfill, you don't have enough time to cultivate that love. That is why you should never enter into the convenant of marriage with someone whom you don't love. Not this day in age. We live in a fast-paced world nowadays and if you've taken on the enormous task of marriage, you won't have time to fall in love with your spouse. Love is the glue that binds two people together. At least when everything else falls apart, you still have the love that binds you. If you don't have love, then what is binding you to your spouse when everything falls apart? Nothing.
Another aspect of all of this, and I'm not saying this to pry into your life or upset you (but it's very important), I'm assuming that since you are married that you and your wife engage in sexual intercourse. Sex is an act of love (or at least it should be). It is to deepen your love with the person you've chosen to commit yourself to. If there's no love, then you're not "making love" to your wife. You're merely having sex for the sake of having it. You aren't deepening and affirming your love for one another because there was no love there in the first place.
You said in your first post that your wife appeared "emotional and needy". Do you suppose you married her because you wanted to fix her problem? Or perhaps it would have boosted your ego to fulfill her excessive neediness. Sometimes men and women will cling to a needy person because it makes them feel stronger. The problem is, two people should compliment one another. When a weak person latches on to a weaker person, someone is going down with the ship and it's not a pretty sight.
Mi1, I don't have the magical answer here. I do know that it is incredibly unfair to you and your wife to stay in a marriage where there is absolutely no love and it hasn't been a year yet and you're already wanting to bail. It's almost as if your marriage vows were a sham. "To love and to cherish from this day forward". You need to do what you feel is best. The best advice I can offer...if you do decide divorce is the best (or only) option, try getting some sort of counseling to see if you have any unresolved emotional affliction that is causing you to marry women only to end up divorced or getting bored with the marriage after a certain period of time. That way you will be able to make a fresh start and hopefully find a woman you can be in love with as well as stay within the will of God if you decide to get married.
Best of luck!