miserable in marriage, need help ....

[Mi1]

I need help. I am normally a spiritually wise person, but my situation with my wife has me unable to function.

I got married nearly a year ago to a woman I didnt love in the way the "world" would define. I "thought" I was making a spiritual decison and married her on faith, and figured the "love" would flood in afterwards. (I know, some may already think Im crazy). But anyway, she seemed extremely loving and sweet, if not a bit emotional and needy. but she seemed to want to seek God, so I figured all would be ok.

Well, since then, our ability to communicate is non-existant. She is always on the defensive, no matter what, it's all about her, her feelings matter and mine dont, but she gets angry if I try to imply that. I try to be understanding of her emotional insecurites, etc. I have them also, but I know I am the man and must be strong and love her. But quite frankly, she drives me insane, I can barley stand her. I would never do it, but most times I wish I could just put a gun to my head. Thats how bad it is. I know this sounds like a cliche' but its like trying to communicate with a brick wall. I am sure I am guilty also. But this should not be happening, should it? should I have waited to "love her" more in the emotional, wordly sense? was I excersising spiritual ignorance thinking I was doing right? I could just get a divorce, but that is quitting. satan attacking us may mean, this is meant to be. Or, I could be backwards there to. Must you stand by a vow, even if that vow was never meant to be taken? I am confused. I am used to being on top of spiritual issues in my life. This has me very messed up. I hate to go home after work. My wife is upset with me because she thihnks if she is happy, I should be also! so she makes me miserable. If you heard her tell it though, I am the one with all the problems, I may not be perfect, be she has a serious problem with not being accountable. I may be a bit too accountable.

ultimately, I want what God wants .... I have no clue how to get there concerning this situation.

 

[4runner]

I dont think a man and wife that God puts together should be seperated. But from what I can see by what you've said, God was never in this union. If there are no kids between this woman and you, then my advice would be to repent for going against Gods will and get out of this sham called a marriage. Hope you've learned a valuable lesson.

 

[baylok]

Paul says a lot about marriage in his first letter to the Corinthians. It covers several topics, and when divorce is allowed. Although you may not be thinking about remarriage, it covers that, too (and there are some pretty serious issues surrounding divorce and remarriage).

Have you tried counceling? Your wife may not listen to you, but may listen to your concerns when presented via a third party. If you are active in a church, there may be a support group that you (or both) could attend. Pray and ask the Lord for strength, support, help and guidance.

Mal 2:16 "For I hate divorce" says the Lord, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the Lord of hosts. "So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously."

 

[Mi1]

We tried counceling, she was a completely different person while in front of the councelor. Thing is, I am not bashing her, I think she honestly has no clue she does these things. Makes it all the more frustrating for me.

Anyway, I am going to start counceling for myself, since she thinks I have all these problems I will go and make sure everything wrong with me is resolved, I want to remove my faults from the equation so maybe she will realize what is wrong with her from this process of elimination.

We do attend church, support groups do no good if one person is blindly un-accountable and totally blaming the other person.

I will keep fighting, for now, I dont have peace about giving up completely.

 

[4runner]

I cant imagine why you would marry someone you didnt love. It's hard enough sometimes with the one you love. When God puts a man and woman together there is first of all, mutual attraction, chemistry, things in common, and love. We have to start off with all the help we can get because later when all reality sets in, marriage is something you maintain daily. I think you made a rash decision that God was never in, and you are reaping the consequences. I dont think God would have you be in a state of misery the rest of your life, so seek His face and get all the advice you can. Only YOU know what you can and cannot live with so weigh it out.

 

[Blue-Lightning]

Hmmm... you felt nothing for this person and yet you married her because she was searching after God too? Boy, I sure could marry a lot of people based on just that criterium. And I'm not making light of your situation, but I'm trying to convey to you the problem that there is - why would God want you to marry someone who has made your life worse???

Alright, that said: have you two tried praying together at night? You need to. And no more confrontation either - you both need to sign a written agreement that you will not shout at each other or "punish" each other anymore and then put that paper beside your bed.

Also, you both need to take time each day to tell the other why you love your spouse. Right now that's not easy, but it is absolutely necessary. You have the commandment to love her, right? Okay, then think about reasons that you love her, and do it. Sure, she'll drive you nuts, but tell her why you love her anyway. And ask her to do the same.

Finally, take her on dates. Take her out to eat. Take her to a movie. Treat her the way that you would like her to treat you.

I don't know the situation, so I'm just throwing out some basic stuff there.

BL

 

[Mi1]

4runner ... I agree with you, at least, that is what I am feeling through my misery. Your posts are actually what I want to hear right now.

but ...

I made a commitment, I need to see to what extent I need to live up to that commitment according to God. When I got married, it was in my heart to do God's will. maybe I was wrong, maybe I was not. many lives will be affected by my decision (we each have two children from previous marriages). I know there are arguments for both directions. My posting here is to completely explore the validity of each direction. I know some will say only God can work it out for me. If that is my ultimate answer, I will keep seeking. But I feel doing that in the past has gotten me into places I dont need to be. Not because following God is wrong, I just dont think I do it right. I guess I dont listen to the right voice.

 

[4runner]

4runner ... I agree with you, at least, that is what I am feeling through my misery. Your posts are actually what I want to hear right now.

but ...

I made a commitment, I need to see to what extent I need to live up to that commitment according to God. When I got married, it was in my heart to do God's will. maybe I was wrong, maybe I was not. many lives will be affected by my decision (we each have two children from previous marriages). I know there are arguments for both directions. My posting here is to completely explore the validity of each direction. I know some will say only God can work it out for me. If that is my ultimate answer, I will keep seeking. But I feel doing that in the past has gotten me into places I dont need to be. Not because following God is wrong, I just dont think I do it right. I guess I dont listen to the right voice.

I understand what you are saying, but at the same time I've seen people beat themselves to death, become the martyr in some terrible situations, and then call it Gods will. You are trying to do the right thing. I admire you for that. Explore every avenue that you feel is right, and then see if things can work. Ultimately, you'll know if it's possible. Thats all! :fadein:

 

[Mi1]

Blue-Lighting .... Ahh, an oposite response ... this is what I need ... both sides ...

I assume you are saying I need to take steps to fall in love with her ... and break through all this non-sense. Difficult to do, but worth a try. The suggestion about no confrontation is the best advice yet ... when we try and talk it out we both get frustrated. Maybe a "cease-fire" is a good thing.

 

[WiLdAtHeArT]

If I can offer my two cents on the subject:

One of the biggest misconceptions in the marriage relationship is this:

I can change my spouse.

If you think you can change her, you are gravely mistaken. The only person you can change is yourself. I'm not saying that she shouldn't change - from your account it sounds like she has some issues that need dealing with.

My suggestion is to fight for your marriage. The most effective weapon is communication. But that is the hardest part for men, isn't it? If you tell her how you feel when she does such and such, everything is out in the open. If she continuously disregards your feelings, separation may be the only solution.

So the most effective weapon is communication, but the most effective obstacle is anger. It may be the hardest thing you do, but from now on, NEVER raise your voice, leave the room in anger, ridicule her responses, etc. Practice self-control. There are hundreds of proverbs that deal with controlling your speech and practising wisdom.

The battle will be either won or lost, and I think you will know when to stop fighting.

 

[Mi1]

WiLdAtHeArT - excellent post .....

My first reaction to your post was "Im not trying to change her, I just want her to absorb what Im trying to say" .... but then I realized ... she may have stuff inside her, even though it needs to be worked through and changed, that keeps her from functioning normally in conversation. So I guess I do want her to change.. I then thought, I want to change, why cant she? but you are right I can only do something about ME and how I RESPOND. As I said above, I am seeking counceling for myself. maybe if I keep reminding myself "she doesnt mean to come accross the way she is sounding" and make progress that way. Sort of, supressing my hurts (for now) by tolerating hers. After all, I am the man and must take on the role that requires the most strength.

 

[Blue-Lightning]

Blue-Lighting .... Ahh, an oposite response ... this is what I need ... both sides ...

I assume you are saying I need to take steps to fall in love with her ... and break through all this non-sense.

Close. Here's where your not on the exact same page though:

God tells husbands to love their wives through Paul in the New Testament. That's not a choice, it's a command. And love as in the affectionate feelings are not legitimately "fallen into," but are built. You must build your relationship with your wife, and maybe that means that the two of you are going to have to go back and put in a foundation. Without a foundation a house will not stand, and neither will a marriage. You and her need to collectively build a solid foundation on faith in God and go up from there - is she willing to try that (not neccesarily can she, but will she try)?

The suggestion about no confrontation is the best advice yet ... when we try and talk it out we both get frustrated. Maybe a "cease-fire" is a good thing.

Yes, just make a mutual agreement that you two are going to talk, but not fight or argue. It is okay to let out your feelings, but you must both agree that you are going to try with everything you have for one week to not yell or "punish" the other person but also that you are both going to give everything you have for one week to look through the other person's eyes.

Finally, pray together. If you are both honestly wanting God's will in your life, He will send that to you.

BL

 

[Mi1]

God tells husbands to love their wives through Paul in the New Testament. That's not a choice, it's a command. And love as in the affectionate feelings are not legitimately "fallen into," but are built.

Yes, thanks for pointing that out, I do understand about the love thing, I used my words (fall into) incorrectly. I know it must go well beyond what the world normally calls love. not just the emotional high.

Yes, just make a mutual agreement that you two are going to talk, but not fight or argue. It is okay to let out your feelings, but you must both agree that you are going to try with everything you have for one week to not yell or "punish" the other person but also that you are both going to give everything you have for one week to look through the other person's eyes.

This will be the hard part, I will be the one doing everything for a while. She thinks there are no flaws in her communication skills.

Your suggestions are great, thank you ...

 

[Judy]

Mi1, If you don't mind me asking :-? What happened in your first marriage? I'm just trying to understand where you are coming from.
You say that it is your second marriage and hers also. So I'm just wondering how and why they ended?

You don't have to answer it you don't want to. It is just that there are two sides to the story. And you just painted your side, and her side I am sure is different then yours, so somewhere in the middle is the truth of the problem.

I too am in a difficult marriage, and have been for over 27 years :o He isn't saved which makes it even worse, But I take my vows serious. And God's words are so strong here in Mal 2:16. "For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one's garment with violence,'' says the Lord of hosts. "Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.''
That to me divorce is out of the question except for adultry.

 

[GodsRebel]

Really? So if my husband beats the hell out of me, abuses me emotionally, mentally and spiritually I should still stayed married to him b/c he's not cheating on me?

Mi1, If you don't mind me asking :-? What happened in your first marriage? I'm just trying to understand where you are coming from.
You say that it is your second marriage and hers also. So I'm just wondering how and why they ended?

You don't have to answer it you don't want to. It is just that there are two sides to the story. And you just painted your side, and her side I am sure is different then yours, so somewhere in the middle is the truth of the problem.

I too am in a difficult marriage, and have been for over 27 years :o He isn't saved which makes it even worse, But I take my vows serious. And God's words are so strong here in Mal 2:16. "For the Lord God of Israel says that He hates divorce, for it covers one's garment with violence,'' says the Lord of hosts. "Therefore take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously.''
That to me divorce is out of the question except for adultry.

 

[witchy_womyn]

GodsRebel, I was in an abusive marriage and I had many Christians tell me it would be a sin for me to divorce my husband, that I made vows before God and that I should merely leave him alone for awhile and then pray for his rehabilitation. He almost killed me and I left him. Then I had Christians telling me if I remarried (I was 19 when I got divorced...had my whole life ahead of me) I would be committing adultery for the rest of my life, if I stayed married to that man. They took it a step further and said that it would be un-repented sins and I would not see heaven. It all seems like a huge "let's run the scriptures into the ground" type of deal.

If a man beats a woman, he is not loving her by any definition of the word, let alone the biblical model of a marriage. A woman should look out for her own safety, especially if there are innocent children involved. There is no reason she should have to live the rest of her life in celibacy just because she didn't divorce a cheater.

As for the original post I don't have much to say but this. This story is a prime example of why books by individuals such as Joshua Harris are dangerous. They encourage people to seek God's will first and then if you feel it's God's will to marry someone then the love will come later. This is not God's plan. It would not be God's will for you to marry someone you didn't love or vice versa.

 

[WiLdAtHeArT]

Agreed, WW. Physical or emotional abuse should not be tolerated by any spouse, man or woman. And separation and/or divorce may be the best option. God does hate divorce. But he also hates abuse, adultery, etc.

 

[WiLdAtHeArT]

BTW-
witchywomyn, I can see why you were turned off by Christianity and went into Wicca. With friends like yours, who needs enemies? I hope you know that not all Christians are judgemental freaks like the ones you described above. It embarasses me to hear of such things happening in the body of believers I am associated with. That's what happens when 'religion' trumps Jesus Christ - I hope you know that, too. I pray that your previous Christian brothers and sisters were just in an isolated pocket (although I fear that is not the case) and that you will one day associate with life-giving, Spirit-filled believers and followers of Jesus Christ.

I imagine Wicca is a lot more tolerant than your previous religious affiliation. But is it the other extreme? Is there a middle ground?

 

[Quath]

I think WiLdAtHeArT gave some excellent advise. The only thing I could add is for you two to find some common interests and do those activities. So far you mentioned church. Is there other stuff that you two like? (Camping, reading, movies, board games, computer games, etc.)

Good luck to you.

Quath

 

[Mi1]

As for the original post I don't have much to say but this. This story is a prime example of why books by individuals such as Joshua Harris are dangerous. They encourage people to seek God's will first and then if you feel it's God's will to marry someone then the love will come later. This is not God's plan. It would not be God's will for you to marry someone you didn't love or vice versa.

That is what happened, therefore, isn't ok to "undo the mistake"? If you enter a marriage that was not really God's will ...is it not ok to divorce?