Modern Perspective on Premarital Sex

[Questionsaboutchrist]

I (21) am a new Christian in a relationship with my boyfriend (29) who has grown up Christian.

I recently gave my life to Jesus and hope to be baptised soon, and recently I’ve been feeling convicted about premarital sex. Before, I never worried about it but recently I’ve felt like it’s wrong and I believe that God designed sex to be something for marriage because of the power it holds.

I’ve tried bringing this up with my boyfriend and I asked if he would be okay with us waiting until marriage but he believes that the term “marriage” in the bible actually refers to long term, serious relationships. And “premarital sex” really means casual sex. Therefore he believes that God is okay with people having sex if they are in long term, loving, committed relationships. He thinks we should carry on having sex like we were and he doesn’t think it is okay for me to suddenly want to abstain. However I believe that people can still be hurt in long term relationships if they have sex, as I have experienced in the past. And that God just wants us to be happy and safe. I don’t want to feel pressured to have sex if I feel it is wrong, but I also don’t want to upset my boyfriend.

This is causing some conflict between us and I would really appreciate some wisdom/ guidance on this topic. I hope I can find some answers so that we can compromise on this. Thank you.

 

[WIP]

This is what Jesus said about it.

31 “Furthermore it has been said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery."
Matthew 5:31-32 NKJV

4 He answered and said to them, “Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning ‘made them male and female,’ 5 and said, ‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? 6 So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Matthew 19:4-6 NKJV

Does your boyfriend also understand that marriage, however he understands it to be, is for life and not just until he is no longer happy in the relationship or he finds another to marry?

 

[for_his_glory]

This is my understanding.

There is no place in the Bible that constitutes having to have a marriage license. Man incorporated this into the law. In the Hebrew tradition a mohar or dowry was paid to the father of the bride by the groom in exchange for the daughter, Exodus 22:17. Genesis 2:23-25 explains the bond of marriage. The two are united as one in the eyes of God. Ephesians 5:22-29 wives are to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord for the husband is the spiritual head of the wife. Man is the provider and protector of his family. Husbands, you are to love your wives like Christ loves his church. This is an unconditional love that looks on the inside of a person and not the adorning of the outside. It is a love with a pure heart.

This submission also carries over to the bed that neither should deprive one another unless it is a mutual consent, 1 Corinthians 7:5 the principles for the married believer are explained in 1 Corinthians 7:10-16. As long as there is love and faithfulness the two should never depart from each other nor stray away for lust of the flesh.

 

[Who Me]

my boyfriend (29) who has grown up Christian

Lived in a Christian family or is currently living as a Christian attending church every week?

For the Christian sex is only between husband and wife.
That may mean having gone through a civil and religious ceremony, or being part of a community that has celebrated your coming together.

Just living together is not a marriage.

You have a problem in that your boyfriend is used to having sex, you may or may not be living together, but you need to sit down with him and talk through the implications.
What happens if you get pregnant?
What happens if you fall serio ill?
What if one of you gets a good job on the other side of the country?
What church are you both going to attend weekly. This is mandatory.

Please seek advice from your pastor, or his wife and there counselling for both of you.

 

[D-D-W]

Hi Questions, and Welcome to the Family of Christianity! Also, welcome to these discussion boards.

The question you ask has been plaguing young believers for at least 50 years. People have put all kinds of arguments and rationales to support their opinion. While premarital sex has always been a thing, it was never out in the open like it is since the Sexual Revolution of the late 1960s (Woodstock was the prime example of that) When the Jesus Movement started shortly thereafter, many new believers were the Sex Revolution participants and all of a sudden they were presented with the biblical way: either get married or stop the sex. A VERY hard choice. Some chose one path and others chose another. Both tried to find support for their choice. It eventually came down to either you obey the bible or you do not. The Bible is pretty clear that any sex outside of the covenant of Marriage is forbidden. Of course that was a LOT easier when the average age of getting married (during the NT times) was about 13 or 14. Did not even have to worry about masturbation either. You had a sex partner just when your urges were coming to full strength.

So what do YOU do about it? I believe the unease you are feeling is the conviction of the Holy Spirit. He is to lead us into all of God's truth, one step at a time. We can choose to listen and obey or harden our hearts to His leading. (see Hebrews 3:15 where it says if you hear His voice (conviction) do NOT harden your heart. The bible has nothing good to say about a hard heart.

So I urge you to listen to that conviction and break off the sex. It may cost you a boyfriend. But Christ is more important. It may WILL leave you physically and mentally frustrated. (sex drive) Again, Christ is more important.

Our Lord is bigger than the sex drive He gave you. He will see you thru until such a time as you do get married.

 

[Tenchi]

I (21) am a new Christian in a relationship with my boyfriend (29) who has grown up Christian.

I recently gave my life to Jesus and hope to be baptised soon, and recently I’ve been feeling convicted about premarital sex. Before, I never worried about it but recently I’ve felt like it’s wrong and I believe that God designed sex to be something for marriage because of the power it holds.

Any sexual stuff outside the bounds and bonds of marriage is sin. Whether it's adultery, or sex between unmarried people, or homosexuality, or lesbianism, or worse, it's all against the intended design and purpose of God for sex and so it's sin.

I’ve tried bringing this up with my boyfriend and I asked if he would be okay with us waiting until marriage but he believes that the term “marriage” in the bible actually refers to long term, serious relationships.

That's...convenient. The Bible, God's word, requires more of marriage, however, than merely two people remaining "long term" with each other in a "serious relationship." Marriage begins when a woman is given to a man for the express purpose of "leaving and cleaving" in marriage, the woman and man becoming one flesh, forsaking all others, "'til death do us part." This is how the first marriage was accomplished in Eden, God giving Eve to Adam as his wife, not his girlfriend, or "friend with benefits," or whatever. The moment God gave Eve to Adam as his wife, they were married for life, no sex yet having occurred. This is important to note because folks really like to think that sex is the "sealing event" that makes them married. Not so.

And “premarital sex” really means casual sex.

Again, a very convenient reworking of the definition. In point of fact, the Bible prohibits any and all sex outside of the marriage relationship. The only place God in His word indicates that sex is appropriate is in the relationship between husband and wife.

He thinks we should carry on having sex like we were and he doesn’t think it is okay for me to suddenly want to abstain.

Of course he wouldn't. You'll find out just how committed he is to you if the "milk" stops flowing from the "cow." As a wise man once pointed out, "Love can't wait to give; lust can't wait to get." Take away sex from the equation of your relationship with your boyfriend and you'll discover if he really loves you, or just lusts after you. Be very sure: Marriage cannot be sustained on a foundation of lust because lust is the antithesis of love; lust takes, it is selfish - the very opposite of godly, Christ-like love upon which God intends marriage to rest.

However I believe that people can still be hurt in long term relationships if they have sex, as I have experienced in the past. And that God just wants us to be happy and safe. I don’t want to feel pressured to have sex if I feel it is wrong, but I also don’t want to upset my boyfriend.

Who do you care more about? God? Or your boyfriend? You're going to find out, it seems, in this matter of sexual sin you're in with your boyfriend. You're right, though: God prohibits sex outside of marriage for very good reasons, reasons that protect, and preserve, and bless us. Don't continue to make Esau's Choice. It always leads to misery.

If your boyfriend doesn't love Christ, compromising with him on what God has commanded, will be like agreeing to have him plop a spoonful of muck into a glass of crystal clear water from which you both will drink. The water won't purify the muck; the muck will foul the water. Even if he compromises and puts in only half a spoonful of muck, the water will still be fouled.

You might want to read 2 Corinthians 6:14-18 and 1 Corinthians 6:15-20.

 

[GodsGrace]

I (21) am a new Christian in a relationship with my boyfriend (29) who has grown up Christian.

I recently gave my life to Jesus and hope to be baptised soon, and recently I’ve been feeling convicted about premarital sex. Before, I never worried about it but recently I’ve felt like it’s wrong and I believe that God designed sex to be something for marriage because of the power it holds.

I’ve tried bringing this up with my boyfriend and I asked if he would be okay with us waiting until marriage but he believes that the term “marriage” in the bible actually refers to long term, serious relationships. And “premarital sex” really means casual sex. Therefore he believes that God is okay with people having sex if they are in long term, loving, committed relationships. He thinks we should carry on having sex like we were and he doesn’t think it is okay for me to suddenly want to abstain. However I believe that people can still be hurt in long term relationships if they have sex, as I have experienced in the past. And that God just wants us to be happy and safe. I don’t want to feel pressured to have sex if I feel it is wrong, but I also don’t want to upset my boyfriend.

This is causing some conflict between us and I would really appreciate some wisdom/ guidance on this topic. I hope I can find some answers so that we can compromise on this. Thank you.

Hi Q
Welcome to our forum. I hope you stick around because we all need somewhere that our feelings can be understood.

I don't have a lot of advice to give you.
I do want to bring attention to the fact that the bible speaks of a WIFE and a HUSBAND.
Mary and Joseph were betrothed to each other (promised) one year before they got married.
They did not live together during that year.

What I don't understand is why one CANNOT get married.
My husband and I were married 3 months after we knew each other.
You can have the wedding celebration any time that you want to....
But you can also get married any time you want to.
It seems like a logical solution to me...maybe it's not.

 

[hawkman]

IMO it is time for you two to get married IF you both agree it is time . Your pastor could offer some pre-marriage counseling . Why not ?

 

[Josef]

Hey All,
God be praised for your recently receiving Christ as your Savior Questionsaboutchrist. That conviction you are feeling is the Holy Spirit telling you that what you're doing is sinful. Don't ignore it. Also, don't let other people negate your feelings. You need to honor what the Holy Spirit is telling you to do: Stop having premarital sex. I know you are a new believer. But if you would read 1Corinthians 13, the chapter describes what "love" is.

1 Corinthians 13:4 Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,

If your boyfriend truly loves you, he will put your needs ahead of his own.

"There is no place in the Bible that constitutes having to have a marriage license. Man incorporated this into the law." Quote from For_His_Glory

Luke 20:25 And he said unto them, Render therefore unto Caesar the things which be Caesar's, and unto God the things which be God's.

In this case, what is Caesar's is a certificate of marriage. Why? Marriage is a legally binding contract.

Keep walking everybody.
May god bless,
Taz

 

[Tenchi]

Questionsaboutchrist:

Be VERY wary of any Christian who tells you that remaining sexually pure is "legalistic." Sexual foreplay pours "gas on the fire" of sexual passion - an extremely foolish thing to do if one wants to obey God in the sexual area. You will be sure to "go all the way," sooner or later, if you start the heavy petting and necking. It's just the way God has made us. Stoke this particular physical impulse and at some point "nature will take its course," the fire of sexual arousal rising to irresistibility. And so, we read in God's word, not "legalistic" advice, but wisdom and divine command:

Romans 13:12-14
12 The night is almost gone, and the day is near. Therefore let us lay aside the deeds of darkness and put on the armor of light.
13 Let us behave properly as in the day, not in carousing and drunkenness, not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy.
14 But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts.

Don't make any opportunity ("provision") for sin. Do whatever you have to do to stifle temptation to sin. The former alcoholic must stay away from the bar and people who like to booze it up; the drug addict must keep clear of dealers and users; the porn addict must toss out his p.c. or phone, cutting off any access to morally-filthy sexual images. What must you do to avoid "making provision for the flesh" in your relationship with your boyfriend?

It should also be a big, red warning flag to you when a "Christian" starts hair-splitting about sin, drawing silly lines around sin and not-sin, trying to get as close to full-on sin as possible without being guilty of it. This is not the attitude of someone who knows and loves God and wants to get as close to Him as possible. Those who really love God desire to be as holy as they can be because they know that "without holiness no one shall see God" (Hebrews 12:14b). Keeping well away from the boundary of sin and drawing up close to God is the best way to enjoy Him fully.

Those who are mired in sin will be eager to invite you into the same filth in which they're covered, telling you that it's the stuffy, self-righteous prig who warns you away from sin. They'll fudge on definitions, stretching things in God's word to fit around their sin and by this means convince you that some sin is okay, that it's not really sin.

God's got a very different approach:

2 Corinthians 6:14-18
14 Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness?
15 Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?
16 Or what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; just as God said, "I will dwell in them and walk among them; and I will be their God, and they shall be my people.
17 "Therefore, come out from their midst and separate," says the Lord. "and do not touch what is unclean, and I will welcome you.
18 "And I will be a father to you, and you shall be sons and daughters to Me," says the Lord Almighty.

 

[Josef]

Hey All,
You can can look at, smell, and even touch the apple. (Or quince as the case may be.) Does that make you more, or less, likely to eat the apple?

Foreplay is named that for a reason. It is before sex. Any conscious activity between a couple that has a climatic ending is sex as well. That is not legalism. That is fact.

Honor the Holy Spirit's conviction towards you about this Questionsaboutchrist. You are not wrong.
Keep walking everybody.
May God bless,
Taz

 

[miamited]

Hi Questionsaboutchrist

I agree with you about God's intent for the sexual union to be one enjoyed in the confines of a marriage, or other life long commitment of companionship. Whatever that might be. However, you can't unring a bell. You can't take back actions already done. This is why Jesus had to die. We can't live sin free lives on our own. So, my encouragement would be that you speak to your boyfriend and tell him that if that's really how he feels about the sexual union being something to enjoy in only a committed relationship, then why won't he commit? But as far as abstaining from sex from here on out, I don't really think that's going to make much difference in your position before God. That trains already left the station.

God bless,
Ted

 

[Iconoclast]

I (21) am a new Christian in a relationship with my boyfriend (29) who has grown up Christian.

I recently gave my life to Jesus and hope to be baptised soon, and recently I’ve been feeling convicted about premarital sex. Before, I never worried about it but recently I’ve felt like it’s wrong and I believe that God designed sex to be something for marriage because of the power it holds.

I’ve tried bringing this up with my boyfriend and I asked if he would be okay with us waiting until marriage but he believes that the term “marriage” in the bible actually refers to long term, serious relationships. And “premarital sex” really means casual sex. Therefore he believes that God is okay with people having sex if they are in long term, loving, committed relationships. He thinks we should carry on having sex like we were and he doesn’t think it is okay for me to suddenly want to abstain. However I believe that people can still be hurt in long term relationships if they have sex, as I have experienced in the past. And that God just wants us to be happy and safe. I don’t want to feel pressured to have sex if I feel it is wrong, but I also don’t want to upset my boyfriend.

This is causing some conflict between us and I would really appreciate some wisdom/ guidance on this topic. I hope I can find some answers so that we can compromise on this. Thank you.

Any sexual activity outside of marraige of one man and one woman is sin

 

[Iconoclast]

This is my understanding.

There is no place in the Bible that constitutes having to have a marriage license. Man incorporated this into the law. In the Hebrew tradition a mohar or dowry was paid to the father of the bride by the groom in exchange for the daughter, Exodus 22:17. Genesis 2:23-25 explains the bond of marriage. The two are united as one in the eyes of God. Ephesians 5:22-29 wives are to submit to their husbands as unto the Lord for the husband is the spiritual head of the wife. Man is the provider and protector of his family. Husbands, you are to love your wives like Christ loves his church. This is an unconditional love that looks on the inside of a person and not the adorning of the outside. It is a love with a pure heart.

This submission also carries over to the bed that neither should deprive one another unless it is a mutual consent, 1 Corinthians 7:5 the principles for the married believer are explained in 1 Corinthians 7:10-16. As long as there is love and faithfulness the two should never depart from each other nor stray away for lust of the flesh.

Any sexual activity outside of marraige of one man and one woman is sin

 

[Carry_Your_Name]

I (21) am a new Christian in a relationship with my boyfriend (29) who has grown up Christian.

I recently gave my life to Jesus and hope to be baptised soon, and recently I’ve been feeling convicted about premarital sex. Before, I never worried about it but recently I’ve felt like it’s wrong and I believe that God designed sex to be something for marriage because of the power it holds.

I’ve tried bringing this up with my boyfriend and I asked if he would be okay with us waiting until marriage but he believes that the term “marriage” in the bible actually refers to long term, serious relationships. And “premarital sex” really means casual sex. Therefore he believes that God is okay with people having sex if they are in long term, loving, committed relationships. He thinks we should carry on having sex like we were and he doesn’t think it is okay for me to suddenly want to abstain. However I believe that people can still be hurt in long term relationships if they have sex, as I have experienced in the past. And that God just wants us to be happy and safe. I don’t want to feel pressured to have sex if I feel it is wrong, but I also don’t want to upset my boyfriend.

This is causing some conflict between us and I would really appreciate some wisdom/ guidance on this topic. I hope I can find some answers so that we can compromise on this. Thank you.

Ask yourself what the word "sex" means to you and to him. If it's primarily about sexual behavior, particularly vaginal sexual intercourse, then substitute it with what we'd call "outercourse" or "foreplay" such as showering together or making out, and save the intercourse for marriage. Set the boundary and resist any temptation or pressure of crossing it. You can have pleasure without actually having sex, but carnal pleasure only will always leave you empty, not satisfied.

If it's primarily about sexual integrity, though, then it requires biblical wisdom to understand that sex is sacred, it's not a basic physiological need like eating, drinking and sleeping, it's about losing yourself and merging with your partner into one being. It's not just an activity or behavior, but a consistent lifestyle according to the highest moral sexual standards—consistently guarding your mind, will, and emotions from sexual impurity, knowing the difference between love and lust.

 

[Carry_Your_Name]

Let me put it this way. Regarding premarital sex, there are three "eights" in a committed relationship: dating, waiting and mating, in that order. You build an emotional and spiritual connection first before physical intimacy. If sex is the ultimate goal, the sole objective, then you'll get other three "eights" in a toxic relationship: baiting, rating and hating, in that order.

 

[Corn Pop]

Just my own personal opinion on marriage in general. I dont believe in marriage as in two people need to sign a peice of paper and have a big party to be called husband and wife in Gods eyes.

If both parties believe firmly in there conscience they vow to stay with that person in union for life and there duties as the scriptures say to take care of one another, what more does one expect?, the government to approve and say its official before its certified and a human has to give witness.?. The Godhead is the witness of each individual and God knows everyones intentions and how they deal with situations.

I dont care if someone is married by a peice of paper and the state says its legal or not. Its on both parties having a good conscience and doing whats righteous that matters.

God was the witness to Adam and Eves marriage. They didnt sign any offical documents or nothing.

 

[Tenchi]

Questionsaboutchrist:

God in His word, the Bible, calls His own to "be holy as He is holy" (1 Peter 1:15-16). Among other things, this means that sin has to go. Being "set apart" to God, which is what being "holy" means for the Christian person, requires a removal of sinful things from one's life. As one does this, as sin is forsaken and holiness embraced, God comes into focus, more and more (Hebrews 12:14), and as this happens, the Christian person comes to desire Him more and more and stand before Him in ever-expanding awe of His majesty, power and perfection. This is what we were all made for: To know and love God and as we do, we find fulfillment, peace, contentment and joy that nothing else can give to us.

So sin has to go. This means that there is no sexual foreplay at all between you and your boyfriend until you're married. Definitely no showering together, no heavy petting, nada. This stuff is for the married couple to enjoy, in God's economy of things, and for no others. Remember: Make no opportunity for satisfying the impulses of the flesh (Romans 13:14). Messing around with foreplay is absolutely to make opportunity for full-on sexual sin, which makes foreplay itself a sin.

Also, the idea that you've "let the horse out of the barn" sexually and so there's no point trying to put it back is not at all biblical. God does not EVER say to any sinner, "You've sinned, so you might as well just keep on sinning." Absolutely not. Sin hardens, deafens, sears, blinds and corrupts the sinner (Hebrews 3:13; Jeremiah 7:23-26; 1 Timothy 4:2; Isaiah 59:7-10; Galatians 6:7-8). The more you sin, the harder, deafer, blinder and corrupted you will become until, one day, you will cease to care at all about sin, or God. And when that day comes, woe betide you! Read the Book of Jeremiah, or Isaiah, in the Old Testament and see what God thinks of, and does with, those who have continued stiff-necked in their sin. Scary stuff! God isn't kidding around when He says that He HATES sin.

Worse than all the hardening, and searing, and deafening of sin is the loss of fellowship with God that sin causes. You and I were made to know, love and enjoy God which sin totally prevents. Remember: God HATES sin.

Psalm 66:18
18 If I regard wickedness in my heart, The Lord will not hear;

Isaiah 59:2
2 But your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, And your sins have hidden His face from you so that He does not hear.

1 Peter 3:10-12
10 For “Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit;
11 let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it.
12 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”

Do not listen, then, to those who counsel you to continue in sin. You will never know and enjoy God as He made you to do, so long as you make a practice of sin.

 

[Carry_Your_Name]

So sin has to go. This means that there is no sexual foreplay at all between you and your boyfriend until you're married. Definitely no showering together, no heavy petting, nada. This stuff is for the married couple to enjoy, in God's economy of things, and for no others. Remember: Make no opportunity for satisfying the impulses of the flesh (Romans 13:14). Messing around with foreplay is absolutely to make opportunity for full-on sexual sin, which makes foreplay itself a sin.

See, this is why I had to asked the OP their definition of "sex". What "sex" means to them is one thing, what porneia in the bible means to us is another. There's a disconnet.

 

[WIP]

Stay focused on the OP's questions.