Mom won’t come to my wedding unless I invite my abuser

[Kinzie]

I have been engaged for a little over a year now and my fiance and I are finally starting plans for the wedding. I’m very excited to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. However, my mother has informed me that she will not be coming unless I invite my abuser to my wedding also. To make a very long story slightly less long. Almost 2 years ago, my step father, (who’s known me practically my whole life and helped raise me) while my mother was out of state asked me for sex. Somehow the conversation of sex had come up before hand. He asked me if my boyfriend (now finance) and I had done it. I confessed we had before but had stopped because it was a sin. He kinda dropped it but later on brought it up again and asked what specifically we had done. I was getting uncomfortable but told him a little. And I did so because I’d seen some of my friends talk to their parents about sex and so I thought that I could to. My step father told me that talking about it was making him Aroused (to put it in slightly nicer terms of what he actually said). I told him that was really weird and he dropped it. But later on he came back to it again and asked for sex. I obviously refused him and got uncomfortable instantly. He left the room and came back about 10 minutes later apologizing. But said that now we both had something on each other so neither of us could tell my mom without the other one spilling. I ended up telling my mom a couple days later because I couldn’t stand being around him. My mom and I left the house and stayed at a family members for around 6 months. However my mom decided to go back to him because she said God told her to. And I told her I understood but I was not. And she was fine with that. However, that didn’t last long because about a month later she told me that I should because we’re family and God loves families and doesn’t want them to break up. I still refuse to let him back in my life. I’ve gone to therapy constantly since then. And have forgiven him but have set my boundaries. However, now that I’m getting married my mom says that he should be allowed to go because he’s family and because he’s remorseful and regrets his actions. However, neither my fiancé or I are comfortable with being around him. (Ive only given into my moms requests of texting him on holidays or birthdays because she would get so mad at me if I didn’t. So I caved and text him on those occasions but even that makes me uncomfortable.) I hope that he has changed and is remorseful like my moms says. But my therapist says that it’s not my responsibility to test that. My mom tells me that I’m the one keeping her from coming to my wedding. Because biblically she has to put her husband first and she hasn’t in the past but now she is. So if he’s not invited then neither is she. I want my mom to go to my wedding but not at the cost of me feeling uncomfortable at my own wedding because I’m afraid of what he would be thinking if he saw me dressed up like that. I don’t know what to do. neither my mom nor I are changing our stances on this. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if there is anything that can actually be done. Am I in the wrong here? Is my mom right and we should let him come? It just doesn’t feel right to me. Please pray for us.

 

[BibleStudent100]

I don’t know what to do. neither my mom nor I are changing our stances on this. And I don’t know what to do.

Weddings are not just for the individuals getting married. They are family reunions of sorts, as well. It is a time for friends and relatives to not just support the bride and groom, but to reach out to each other and see people they have not seen in a long time. As a result, there are people at weddings that we would not normally spend time with, but they are invited because of their connection, however lose and uncomfortable, to our family. Like my mama used to always say: "You can pick your friends, but you can't pick your family."

Yes, your step-dad is a creep and is unspiritual, but there will be other people at your wedding who are worse and they are being invited to your wedding...

 

[Knotical]

There is a bigger picture here to consider. I do agree that your step-father should not be invited to the wedding, regardless of what your mother says in response to it. This is a tricky situation since we are to honor our parents, however, you also intend on joining with your new husband as one person. My suggestion would be to confide in your fiance, if you have not already done so, and see what he says. Once you have discussed it with your fiance you should both sit down with your mother and lay out your concerns.

Also, this could lead to problems down the road when you have kids and your step-father still has this problem. You do not want to expose your future kids to someone like that. If your mother decides to continue being married to him you may have to limit the time you spend with them for your childrens' sake.

 

[JLB]

I have been engaged for a little over a year now and my fiance and I are finally starting plans for the wedding. I’m very excited to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. However, my mother has informed me that she will not be coming unless I invite my abuser to my wedding also. To make a very long story slightly less long. Almost 2 years ago, my step father, (who’s known me practically my whole life and helped raise me) while my mother was out of state asked me for sex. Somehow the conversation of sex had come up before hand. He asked me if my boyfriend (now finance) and I had done it. I confessed we had before but had stopped because it was a sin. He kinda dropped it but later on brought it up again and asked what specifically we had done. I was getting uncomfortable but told him a little. And I did so because I’d seen some of my friends talk to their parents about sex and so I thought that I could to. My step father told me that talking about it was making him Aroused (to put it in slightly nicer terms of what he actually said). I told him that was really weird and he dropped it. But later on he came back to it again and asked for sex. I obviously refused him and got uncomfortable instantly. He left the room and came back about 10 minutes later apologizing. But said that now we both had something on each other so neither of us could tell my mom without the other one spilling. I ended up telling my mom a couple days later because I couldn’t stand being around him. My mom and I left the house and stayed at a family members for around 6 months. However my mom decided to go back to him because she said God told her to. And I told her I understood but I was not. And she was fine with that. However, that didn’t last long because about a month later she told me that I should because we’re family and God loves families and doesn’t want them to break up. I still refuse to let him back in my life. I’ve gone to therapy constantly since then. And have forgiven him but have set my boundaries. However, now that I’m getting married my mom says that he should be allowed to go because he’s family and because he’s remorseful and regrets his actions. However, neither my fiancé or I are comfortable with being around him. (Ive only given into my moms requests of texting him on holidays or birthdays because she would get so mad at me if I didn’t. So I caved and text him on those occasions but even that makes me uncomfortable.) I hope that he has changed and is remorseful like my moms says. But my therapist says that it’s not my responsibility to test that. My mom tells me that I’m the one keeping her from coming to my wedding. Because biblically she has to put her husband first and she hasn’t in the past but now she is. So if he’s not invited then neither is she. I want my mom to go to my wedding but not at the cost of me feeling uncomfortable at my own wedding because I’m afraid of what he would be thinking if he saw me dressed up like that. I don’t know what to do. neither my mom nor I are changing our stances on this. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if there is anything that can actually be done. Am I in the wrong here? Is my mom right and we should let him come? It just doesn’t feel right to me. Please pray for us.

Follow the way of peace.

If you don’t have peace about him coming then stand by your conviction.

It’s your day, not your mom’s not your step dad’s.

Finally, ask your fiancé what he thinks.

It’s more important to be in agreement with him, as you are to leave your father and mother and be joined to your spouse.


If you both agree that it would be best to not have him attend then stand with your husband in agreement.


I believe your mother will end up coming no matter what decision you and your husband decide.


Be at peace.


The Lord bless you and keep you.

 

[for_his_glory]

Hi Kinzie and welcome to CF

This is a rock and a hard place, especially in what your step dad has violated in your relationship with him. Is it possible you could sit down with him and your mother and discuss this with the both of them in hopes of working out your feelings towards him? Pray and ask God what you should do and allow the Holy Spirit guide you in all of this. You never know that you and your step dad could have that father daughter relationship that is meant to be as a healing process begins within you. Will keep you in my prayers

 

[Free]

I have been engaged for a little over a year now and my fiance and I are finally starting plans for the wedding. I’m very excited to marry him and spend the rest of my life with him. However, my mother has informed me that she will not be coming unless I invite my abuser to my wedding also. To make a very long story slightly less long. Almost 2 years ago, my step father, (who’s known me practically my whole life and helped raise me) while my mother was out of state asked me for sex. Somehow the conversation of sex had come up before hand. He asked me if my boyfriend (now finance) and I had done it. I confessed we had before but had stopped because it was a sin. He kinda dropped it but later on brought it up again and asked what specifically we had done. I was getting uncomfortable but told him a little. And I did so because I’d seen some of my friends talk to their parents about sex and so I thought that I could to. My step father told me that talking about it was making him Aroused (to put it in slightly nicer terms of what he actually said). I told him that was really weird and he dropped it. But later on he came back to it again and asked for sex. I obviously refused him and got uncomfortable instantly. He left the room and came back about 10 minutes later apologizing. But said that now we both had something on each other so neither of us could tell my mom without the other one spilling. I ended up telling my mom a couple days later because I couldn’t stand being around him. My mom and I left the house and stayed at a family members for around 6 months. However my mom decided to go back to him because she said God told her to. And I told her I understood but I was not. And she was fine with that. However, that didn’t last long because about a month later she told me that I should because we’re family and God loves families and doesn’t want them to break up. I still refuse to let him back in my life. I’ve gone to therapy constantly since then. And have forgiven him but have set my boundaries. However, now that I’m getting married my mom says that he should be allowed to go because he’s family and because he’s remorseful and regrets his actions. However, neither my fiancé or I are comfortable with being around him. (Ive only given into my moms requests of texting him on holidays or birthdays because she would get so mad at me if I didn’t. So I caved and text him on those occasions but even that makes me uncomfortable.) I hope that he has changed and is remorseful like my moms says. But my therapist says that it’s not my responsibility to test that. My mom tells me that I’m the one keeping her from coming to my wedding. Because biblically she has to put her husband first and she hasn’t in the past but now she is. So if he’s not invited then neither is she. I want my mom to go to my wedding but not at the cost of me feeling uncomfortable at my own wedding because I’m afraid of what he would be thinking if he saw me dressed up like that. I don’t know what to do. neither my mom nor I are changing our stances on this. And I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if there is anything that can actually be done. Am I in the wrong here? Is my mom right and we should let him come? It just doesn’t feel right to me. Please pray for us.

Keep praying about it. It is my opinion that your step-father has displayed predatory behaviour and in this case, I think your therapist is right and it isn’t up to you to test whether or not he has changed.

As for what your mom has said to you, that you’re “the one keeping her from coming to [your] wedding,” that is deeply concerning. That is manipulation and flat out false. It could very well be coming from your step-father, but either way that is a form of abuse.

Make sure you keep repeating to your mom that your wedding isn’t about her and that she is free to attend by herself. That is 100% her choice and has nothing to do with you. It’s your wedding and you have every right to exclude whomever you want, especially if it’s to feel safe.