[__ Prayer __] my dad and me

[Christ_empowered]

my dad's a great man. I mean that. we've had definite down points in our father-son relationship, but since I got (miraculously) saved 5 years ago, things have gotten a whole, whole lot better. I think The Lord's work in changing me--I'm no longer flamboyantly, soon to burst into flames, GAY...I'm healthy, a tad bit taller (5'10 beats 5'7, lol), and I even look just a bit younger than my age because I"m so healthy (hard to reconcile w/ a prematurely aged burn out, am I right), plus I'm drug+drink free, better (and completely different, thank God) personality, etc. And yet...

He's -always- worked. He hails from this close knit family and group of people. Lots of the extended family had businesses, so he started there at 14, never w/o a job since. Me? Sickly, queer, awkward, possibly mentally ill from a young age...unemployed :-( . I mean, now I get disability for the "severe Bipolar I" (probably either Schizoaffective or relatively high functioning Schizophrenia, but...you know...reasonably intelligent, lucid on meds, from a "good family"="Bipolar I"), but...still.

I did drugs in my teens and early 20s. Again; God is good! I don't put all that much faith in IQ, but my estimate is apparently on the high(er) end...more importantly: after all my drugs, involuntary shock treatments, etc., my IQ might have been about 95 (100 is absolute average), plus i Had -obvious- brain damage. Now, the estimate is a good bit higher and more importantly...bright eyed, no major impairments, no obvious brain damage. God is good!

So, I think sometimes he views me as lazy, when really...when I've worked, people made my life hell. I tried working a little on campus job as a teenager, when I was at college. I didn't know it then (I lived in a bubble, btw), but most people there did -not- care for me, and the other student workers did -not- want me working there, so...yeah. That didn't go well. Plus, it was calling alumni to beg for money, and the people we called got all kindsa irritated, angry, surly, etc.

Then, I worked in a movie theater and a restaurant. Thing is...I rubbed some important people the wrong way, so there was a "trickle down" effect (read: coworkers made my life miserable, plus that was when I had the brain damage and such...). Ugh.

OK. Plus, I'm healthy now, bright eyed now, I even have "too much hair now" (not too shabby for a former balding flamer), but...I Have to take 1-3 psych drugs daily. The 1 I -must- take is a heavy-hitter, its an 'atypical' tranquilizer. I'm on Abilify which about as non-toxic and "clean" (according to my shrink...) as you can get w/ tranquilizers. I"m on a moderate dose. I"m usually also on a "mood stabilizer," plus I'm prescribed stuff to take as-needed for anxiety, agitation, etc. (i very rarely take it, thank goodness). Point is...

even w/ the psych drug(s), I"ve got some lingering stuff going on. I also pop all kindsa vitamins and antioxidants, which...seems to help me tolerate the Abilify (like I said, its a heavy-hitter). My counselor think I might be able to get a job in a year or two, then see about transitioning into living more autonomously.

My dad...well...I think he perceives me as just lazy and using my parents. Not always, and there's not mega-friction or anything, just...its a vibe I get, now and then. Ugh. I haven't had a single drink in nearly 10 years, smoked a joint in over 10 years, etc...and yet...

I get the sense that my dad still blames me for a lot of the problems I had, etc. Not that I was (or am) blameless, but...I didn't sign up for shock 'treatments' and a lobotomy. I was also bashed on the head w/ a pipe during a botched mugging. SO...clearly...

either God has willed to make me intelligent enough -despite- brain damage (true story; I had to get a brain scan, and I should probably "be a vegetable," accorind to a nurse), or I have more brain cells now. I kinda lean towards more brain cells, because I don't have the tics, memory problems, dullness, lack of social graces, etc. that plagued me when I was -obviously- severely brain damaged. Plus, God can and will do as He sees fit, but for most people...its good to have brain cells, and being brain damaged causes major problems (yes, its me; Captain Obvious).

Ugh. I ask that you pray for my dad and for our developing, growing relationship as father and (former wretch, now work-in-progress) son.

Thanks.

 

[Tessa]

Hi CE. Great news that you may be able to get a job in a couple of years. You've come a long way.

Will pray for your relationship with your dad to get even better

 

[Pegasus]

Praying for you and your dad.

 

[Andyintheuk]

Hi CE, wow you seem to have come to Jesus with a whole suitcase full of problems lol. God loves a son who needs a physician, those who kid themselves they’re in good spiritual health don’t need God (Luke 4:23)

I’ve had similar struggles throughout my walk with Jesus. I’ve found that by seeking God’s control in my life through the power of the Holy Spirit working inside my head, life becomes an adventure rather than a struggle, where is God taking me now? It really is an adventure. But it all starts with that prayer of Jesus on the Mount of Olives, ‘Not my will but yours be done’ Luke 22:42. The only way we can submit totally is by inviting His Holy Spirit to take control so we can fulfill that most important of God’s commandments -
“You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength.” Deuteronomy‬ ‭6:5‬ ‭NKJV‬‬.

The Holy Spirit is key, just as Jesus explained to Nicodemus in John 3. Of course you still hit problems, your car is no less likely to breakdown in the middle lane of the motorway, but you’ve a controlling influence inside you, the Holy Spirit.

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks, y'all.

things are better, now. I see now...well, my dad loves me, I love my parents, etc. I was crazy as a teenager, now I"m completely different, Praise God!

Ugh. My official diagnosis is apparently "Bipolar I," and some of the stuff that seems like psychotic weirdness might actually be a taste of OCD (apparently, a lot of Bipolar I people have OCD...weird...). Diagnosis isn't that big a deal, but...here where I live, being "Bipolar I" means you're far less likely to end up in a hospital or being pumped full of drugs via long acting injection, so...always a good thing!

the other thing is that "Bipolar I" usually implies a greater ability to function more or less normally. Not that "Schizophrenics" are less human or whatever, just...usually, if "Bipolar I" is the accurate diagnosis, there's a greater ability to deal with working, volunteering, school, etc. We shall see...

My dad's warming up to me. I'm thankful. Most parents wouldn't -deal- with me at this point, not after everything that came before. Mine are kind to me, and they even got me that lawyer when I ran into (serious) trouble.

Kinda rambling, etc. I need to start being more thankful for what I've been blessed with, and not compare myself to others. As for my dad...well, I think he's beginning to see that I Have the "mental illness," but I'm also (miraculously....) much more capable of handling things, doing things, than I was before.

That kind of raises a question...how is it that I went from disordered, not necessarily mentally ill, to mentally ill, but not really disordered....and now I can actually function better, in society, than before? Obviously, I sometimes think all this Mental Health,Inc. stuff is -very- subjective and potentially damaging, but..."it is what it is." Play the hand you're dealt, etc.

Thanks again.