[__ Prayer __] my freedom (yes, again)

[Christ_empowered]

I am labeled with "Schizophrenia" or...something, I dunno. The community-wide label is "Schizophrenia," the "clinical diagnosis" is probably somewhat different, and...blah blah blah. moving on...

so, the taunting lately involves my freedom. as in...it's a long, long story, but I am a "voluntary outpatient" at a mental health clinic. not ideal or anything, but....basically, I breeze in for med checks and occasional counseling appointments, that's about it. I cannot support myself-- part my shady, sinful past...part lingering problems...part -stigma-...all in all, 'the way world works,' etc..-- but I have a decent, modest, at times comfortable ((not at all luxurious)) lifestyle. I am (miraculously) close to my loving, long suffering parents. I am probably going to see them today, actually, for another Sunday meal. moving on...

dad had me walk their perma-puppies/house dogs around the yard yesterday. no big deal. actually--I'll insert a Praise Report in here; I didn't freak out, I did it, no major problems, amen--it was good, to be outside and get the puppies to walk with me at the helm (lol). thing is...

-ugh- the taunting, now, focuses on how I'm "on a court order" and "they are not permitted to support him" and "they're going to put him away," etc. 'court orders' are basically orders, usually rubber stamped by a friendly judge, that order an individual to receive 'treatment' for 'severe mental illness,' per the shrink's discretion. read: it means high doses of long acting injection (LAI) antipsychotics, like the once monthly risperidone shot or the notorious Haldol long acting injection, at whatever dose the treatment people think is "necessary," and treatment orders ('court orders') can be renewed, so...

blah blah blah, it often means a long term, possibly lifetime, of forced 'treatment.' some court orders allow for other provisions, such as curfews and such...its an area of the legal system that I don't really understand and honestly, am becoming -more and more thankful- that I don't have to contend with, amen.

so...people are yelling about "he's on a court order!" and/or "call the cops!" (sometimes, non-compliance with court ordered treatment can result in legal/criminal stuff...other times, I think the approach is to hospitalize the wayward 'patient'), etc. thing is...

over 8 years ago, now, I was arrested. the initial charge was a felony, and it was a doozy (15 years! in prison!). long, long story...my parents took pity on me, bonded me out, got a lawyer. I got genuinely saved while on bond. I ended up with a very serious (as in, kissing close to felony, but still a misdemeanor) misdemeanor, did probation, have been -off of probation for over 4 years, now- and...and...

-sigh- i dunno. What's so odd about my situation is that I was labeled as "malingering," basically trying to use mental health stuff as "an excuse" and/or "to get attention," etc., and then I pursued legal action against a former shrink, and...blah blah blah, everything's so hazy, and I haven't even gotten a -traffic ticket- in all these years, just a seat belt violation (no, really) that set me back about 30 but didn't count against anything. -ugh- moving on...

now, I am -increasingly grateful- for The Lord's mercy and compassion, probably straight up pity, undoubtedly Love. thing is...

I don't always feel safe, where I live. Just...maybe 20 minutes ago, I pulled into my designated spot, close to the building, and some silver car came in too, too fast into the adjacent space, came close to hitting me, and...

? i didn't recognize the car. They're not parked there, now. The car that usually parks there has the required sticker to park there, so...????

aside from all that, Romans 8:28 . i really thought I was nuts, the shrinks led me down the primrose path to destruction. Jesus spared me, knocked at my heart's door, I got genuinely saved (that, I see now, is -the- defining miracle of my life in Christ, amen), and now....

i dunno. Before voting time came around, I called my counselor, to make sure I wasn't on a court order that I didn't know about (sounds paranoid? I know...), and he was all calm about it and said I was good to go, with voting (I'm not sure, but I think state law prohibits at least -some- people on -some- court orders from voting?). I voted, they ran my license and I was clear to vote, so...good to go? right?

Matthew 6:33 (yes, again) . I always wanted to be healthy and smart and write well and have my parents forgive me and...The Lord has moved mightily in my heart+life over these past years, Praise Him...

and I seem to -really- rub a lot of people the wrong way. as in..."he cannot live here!" and/or "he has a FELONY!" and/or "they cannot support him!" and/or "he needs to MOVE OUT!" and...

blah blah blah. 'twas grace that saved a wretch like me.

other thing...I get the sense that my senses have only recently truly been returned unto me/restored, etc., and...wow. i was a childish, rebellious fool. true story. now? its...sort of a mini-miracle that I"m -not- a 'typical mental patient' (hate the term, its what the world throws at me, OK?), etc., so...

-eek- as always, thank you all for the ongoing support, prayers, encouragement, etc. I dunno. I just...would like some prayers for protection and freedom, in Christ. thanks.

 

[Tessa]

Praying for you always CE.
You have had a long journey but Jesus is beside you.
God Bless

 

[Christ_empowered]

thanks Tessa .

it is...frustrating, I think is a good enough word...to be so labeled and such that...

-sigh- people openly label and ridicule me, im seen but...not really, only as (label), even had bad incidents with cashiers and fast food, coffee people at drive thru...

but it is what it is. no prison time, no felonies, lifted out of real poverty, real oppression, real bondage...

'he whom The Son has set free is set free, indeed.' Indeed.

and, now...I guess 'disillusioned" would be a good word...I'm disillusioned about the world and mental health, inc. and humanity, and...and...

-sigh- that's part of His work in my life, isn't it? '...wise as serpents, innocent as doves...'

praying also for His will for me and my parents.

 

[Truthfrees]

praying

 

[Christ_empowered]

ugh. know why there is still something of an 'antipsychiatry' movement? because its rough, being psychiatry-ized, lol. not terrible for me -now- , because of The Lord's work in my life...which, I'm beginning to think, involves using labels of the world for my betterment and such...but, yeah. antipsychiatry. tempting, no real solutions.

I've been labeled as everything from 'malingering poseur' to 'low IQ psychopath' and every.single.thing imaginable, in between. there is no such thing as redemption, in the world. i see that, now. i was apparently labeled as having 'oppositional defiant disorder' -before- I even meandered into a mental health 'expert's' office, so...

ugh. ugh. could have been worse, of course. thing is...

i'm beginning to suspect that none of it is...real, valid. none of it. anxiety? sure. lots of people have fear. depression? everyone's life involves some degree of sadness, sometimes misery is a predictable response to (sin satan self the world) stuff around us. "Schizophrenia" ? yeah...

no, sorry. i heard voices from incessant bullying and hi stress levels. it happens. no one cared. now, I'm labeled "Schizophrenic," which...

-sigh- since I cannot support myself and my parents are kind to me, is not -that big- of a deal, I suppose. I was apparently supposed to "shut up in middle school," which sounds kind of extreme, but..."the personal is political," right? Right. born working class, my parents were -just barely- 'important enough' for me to escape the typical school to prison pipeline junk that destroys so many poor and working class individuals. and...

big, big, big deal? Jesus saves. He is saving me, Praise God. now, its more like..."the personal is spiritual," I think. not to over-spiritualize things, but now that I'm (somehow...) on the right side of The Cross, I'm -not- on the same team as those in and of the world. yay! not always fun and games, but its not as if anybody's thrown me in jail or beat me or anything. honestly, it seems to be more of speaking all matter against me, falsely...which is in Scripture because...

Our Lord saw -that one- coming, now didn't He?

 

[daninthelionsden]

Maybe you should apply for a passport. They are good to have and can actually make you feel good about your status. They're non-committal in that you don't have to use them unless you want to. The reason I say this is that they do a pretty thorough background check. If you qualify then that should give you confidence about yourself. Maybe your parents might want to apply with you. We three each have passports. I KNOW I'm clean (legally) no matter the gas lighting by those oppressing us. Praying for you and yours.

 

[Marianne333]

Praying for Lord's protection, freedom, peace of mind, overall wellbeing, strength in Spirit and quality of life. In Jesus name Amen

 

[Christ_empowered]

thank you all. seriously.

a born again cousin emailed me yesterday. he offered helpful Scripture and some personal experiences. In his ministry, he deals with those have been and/or are getting out of the occult...

-frightening- I thought spiritual warfare was just kind of 'built in' to the way the world works, you know? God's work in a Christians life = a pushback from...the other team. something like that. but, no. he said that those -heavily- involved in the occult straight up summon evil spirits on churches, individual Christians...it's how they roll, apparently. who knew?

rambling... 'eyes fixed on Christ, and Him Crucified' (please forgive the weird caps). trying to do that, more and better and...yeah. it helps, tremendously, that The Lord and my parents have made things -far easier- than 99,xyz% of people in similar situations. so...there's that, too.

yesterday, as i went out to my vehicle, people were being loud and obnoxious, just petty cruelty. i wasn't...as frightened. they won't say it -to my face- . and one of them sounded miserable and drunk. ok. moving on...

truth? by His grace, my life is simple, modest, and -sane- . I'm still working on the godly and Christ-honoring parts. Not that I'm out there, swinging from the rafters, being insane in the membrane or anything, just...work in progress, like all us believers, amen.

parents are doing well. im doing (miraculously) well, too. "worry not about the morrow, for each day brings evil enough of its own...," and...listen.to.Jesus, please.

thanks, y'all.

 

[Christ_empowered]

hey, guess what? its me again.

I don't know what the deal is, 'round here. its like...psychiatrists; can't live with them, can't get probation without them. lol. something like that...

joking aside, I really am learning to enjoy and appreciate the way The Lord has moved in my life, especially recently. and yet...

obviously, I'm rubbing people the wrong way, which...-shrug- safety, always a concern. so far, so good.

 

[AChristianStoic]

I don’t have much to offer besides a sympathetic ear and some prayers. If you want them, though, they’re yours.

 

[AChristianStoic]

Just for the record, I’ve had a few dealings with people who had mental illness and/or personality disorders. There are no easy answers, and there’s no one approach that works for everyone. Just a long, incremental process to work out your salvation with fear and trembling.

But you are in God’s hands, and that’s the safest place to be. The best I can do for you is to trust you with Him.

 

[Christ_empowered]

ugh. just...frustrating, to the max. i do have an affliction. i am also taunted. what to make of it?

 

[AChristianStoic]

There’s a great section in Mere Christianity in mental illness. Have you read it?

 

[Christ_empowered]

i don't remember that, no. i vaguely remember cs lewis writing something about psychoanalytic treatment being compatible with Christianity (I disagree, but...ok...).

the fun continues. truth? I see now...most 'mental patients' (not owning the term, not fond of it, but its what gets thrown at me) don't get lawyers when things get -really- rough. Because of His work in my life+my parents' lives...I did have a lawyer, when my sins and 'the way the world works' got -intense- . because of that professional, I now have much more freedom than most 'mental patients.' true story.

so, I was just...maybe 30 minutes ago...paying for something, at one of those convenience stores without doors...pay thru a drawer that pushes out, then goes back in, you know? and people were yelling 'he thinks he has a -good lawyer- and..." blah blah blah. more petty cruelty, its just...

creepy, I guess? something more sinister than simple put downs, I guess is what I'm saying. my long time friend told me it was/is a 'trick of satan,' which...I didn't -reject- , but I didn't fully -receive- , either, if that makes sense. but...considering that the case ended in a sentencing hearing 7 years ago...and now I've been fully off of probation for over 4 years, now...

? maybe there is something other-worldly, or at least...unusual...about it. i don't -discount- a real, live evil one. Scripture speaks of him, often. deal is...

-sigh- i vaguely remember, now, how I was on the broad road, and...wow. human nature is wicked enough, without having to blame everything on the evil one and his minions. moving on...

on the plus side, i saw my parents today! they're doing well. -focus on the good things-

prayers are always appreciated, of course. and replies, should anyone feel so inclined. not super-scared, just...creeped out, I guess.

 

[Christ_empowered]

me, yet again. I'm beginning to feel like I"m back in elementary school, tattle-telling on the bigger bully a grade above me. lol.

i cannot talk to my parents about this. i'm hoping i never have to again, anyway. the last time I did, my mama told me to take a sedative, sleep well, and call the clinic in the morning. -ugh- cannot say I -blame- her, honestly; it sounds...crazy, or at least paranoid. she's quick to point out how self-centered it is, to think people are messing with -me- , when they probably have a life, all of their own, to live, etc. moving on...

nearly 16 years ago, now, staff at a private, for profit hospital (part of a chain of such hospitals...and the chain recently paid a ma$$ive fine to the feds for insurance fraud, true story) wanted to put me in a homeless shelter, tail end of age 20, as part of my "treatment." true story. i'd tested + for HIV+, been electroshocked (not voluntarily...), etc., but...homeless shelter. my parents nixed the idea. it wasn't unti recently that I got them both on board with the idea that this place did -not- help me, at all.

so, i mention that because one set of semi-neighbors in the building will talk about my info from "(that hospital)" loudly, so I can hear, in my (modest, lovely, comfortable) place. its...un-fun. decidedly un-fun, actually.

thing is...once again, its dawned on me that The Lord has moved in my life to make my life, me, my parents...something of "the exceptions that prove the rule." i ordinarily would have gone to the homeless shelter. then again, I ordinarily would have died from an untreated sleeping pill OD at that place, too. God is Love. I praise Him for His mercy.

so, now? Yeah...my parents are (thankfully) not big on heavy duty emo talks, but I think they're moving towards true -forgiveness- towards -me- and...Praise The Lord, amen!

problem? I seriously overhear people taunting with "he's too close to his family!," which...is just further evidence that psychiatary=social control, hiding behind a pseudomedical facade.

ok. ramble, ramble...please keep my parents and me up in prayer, thanks.