My girlfriend and i broke up and i need Christian advice

[countryboydonald]

I have an issue i need desperate advice on. My heart is wondering what to do. My girlfriend Tammi and i of one year have been arguing over something. I dont like how she sometimes says hi to ex-boyfriends at times or looks at other guys. I just get so mad and feel not good enough and disrespected. It was 2 weeks ago. We were texting back and forth from our cell phones. I was telling her how i dont feel respected and after more back and forth arguing our arguement escalated until i just felt so mad i just lost it and told her that she should just go see other guys and i broke up with her. I didnt want to break up but i was just acting foolish. So she didnt respond back until the next day and said she was severely heartbroken because she felt i didnt love her. She said she was so hurt that she thought about doin drugs or killing herself. And i apologized and tried to tell her i was just mad and snapped and acted foolish. I tried to get back together but she said she needed time to think.

So a few days later i text her sister to see how she was doing and i had this weird intuition that she was seeing another guy so i asked her sister. She said she thinks she is seeing a guy at work. So i felt horrible. I finally talked to Tammi and she said they were just friends. But 2 days later she said he asked her out and she was thinkin about it. My heart dropped!!!!! I was wondering why she even THOUGHT about it because she loved me so much. I asked if she liked him and she said she had feelings but they werent strong. She said "it was your fault to tell me to see other guys when u put me out there with a broken ,open heart". I said " i didnt mean date or get serious. I meant just go on a dinner date to see whats out there and compare me to guys to see if you were missing anything so you could maybe appreciate me more. And i dont understand how she could be interested in another so fast after we dated for a year. Anyways, we had a long talk face to face and she looked pale and very depressed. I knew i had broke her heart like never before. I asked if anything happened between them. She admitted to sleeping with him but said right after they began she started crying and had to stop.

And now we decided we arent going to date for a while. We do love each other and i feel we both want to get back together. I told her that i do forgive her and i will give her time. She said she wasnt going to get serious with anybody,just date around. I said " If you went that far once i think you will do it again." Im scared she will get serious with other people. Now we havent talked in a few days. Im trying to give her time to think and hopefully realize i do love her to death. Its killling me not to be with her.

MY QUESTION IS THIS..... If she does decide she really wants to be with me, should i forgive her and let her come back????? I mean, i understand how people get vulnerable and try to fill a void in their heart with sex or drugs but i dont want to excuse her VERY WRONG actions!!!! We all have self-control right???? Is it excusable the way she lost her self-control or did it out of spite or what???? I mean, i can look at this 2 ways. Some people say "Kick her to the curb because she did you wrong!!!" But on the flip side i feel like i really want to forgive her and let her come back because we all make mistakes. And some are bigger than others. Thats what forgiveness is right???? WHAT SHOULD I DO??? WHAT SHOULD BE MY NEXT STEPS FROM HERE????? PLEASE HELP!!!!!

 

[paisley]

Countryboy, I wonder how old you and your girlfriend are? I have a feeling I`m "old" compared to you. I`ve been married for 16 years, my parents have been married for 42 wonderful years, and all my relatives have very strong, solid marriages so I think I know a little bit about relationships that work.

1) One thing I`ve discovered is solid relationships are secure in each other. My husband can 100% trust me and I have no worries when he goes out on business. I can say this for all my relatives. We don`t live in jealousy. I don`t know if it is just a problem you have that you need to work on yourself or if you are picking up legitimate signals that she really is interested in other guys or if it is a little of both, but I can assure you this uneasiness you have with her and other guys is not healthy and will not build into a constructive, lasting relationship.

2) Considering you are looking at this relationship as a serious relationship, do you really want a wife and mother of your children that will turn to drugs or suicide when things get tough? Believe me, the marriage years are much more difficult than the single years. You need a wife and mother of your children that will never consider drugs.

3) I agree that forgiveness is essential in all relationships, but for a girl to go sleep with another man right after breaking up with the man she loved is unthinkable to me. That is a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR red flag that this relationship will not be "till death do us part". I would forgive her, wish her well, and but really end the relationship.

 

[paisley]

When I say "end the relationship", I mean just that. No more telephone calls, no more meeting each other, no more texting or emails, no more contacting her sister or friends to see how she is doing. I mean end it completely. I think it will be hard for you, but I think it is necessary. I also think you have to realize and accept when a relationship ends that means she is now free to see other people and you need to set her free in your mind. She does not belong to you, and if she showed interest towards other guys when you were dating she never belonged to you in her heart. Please understand this. It is VERY important for you to understand.

Also what is her family history? Does she have a good relationship with her parents? Do her parents have a good relationship? I`m going to take a guess that there is some dysfunction in her family because I don`t think most girls could just sleep with a guy a couple of days after breaking up with the man she felt she still loved. That just isn`t normal behavior. And I don`t think most girls would immediately think of turning to drugs after breaking up. When there is dysfunction in a family, it is often repeated in the next generation because that is all that is known. Please look very carefully at a girl`s family and the family dynamics before getting too serious. A girl`s family is a good indication of the kind of marriage and family you would have with that girl. Please enter relationships with both your head and heart. It will save a lot of heartache over time.

I wish you well.

 

[countryboydonald]

Thank you so much for your advice. All that you said makes alot of sense to me . And so you know i am 29 years old and she is 19 years old. im sure that age gap and maturity level has alot to do with it. I always heard women are more mature than men for their age but i may have stepped back in age too far. i dont know. And you are correct in guessing that there is some dysfunction in her family. She was raised with her brother and sister by their single mother which had abusive boyfriends. I know she has emotional scars from the past and i have always given her the best respect and love because i know she hasnt felt much of it in her life.

When we met i felt that she had a big heart. She was different than most girls i have met because she wasnt so standoffish. She was quiet at first but she seemed to open up to me easily and always has alot more with me than she does with most people. I felt we had a great connection. She felt genuinely interested in getting to know me and so easy to talk to. She seemed like she was really looking for love. She is a deep thinker like me and we both talked about love and she seems to have a desire to find the kind of love that most people only dream of. The more i was around her the more I wanted to be the strong, loving person that she has never had and give her what she never had growing up---lots of love,respect,and stability.


But to make a short story we dated a few more months and became closer but after a while she would do little things where i would feel disrespected. Like talk to ex-boyfriends occasionally or to have her best friend Autumn come with us most of the time when we went out. I just felt it was alot of inconsiderate things like that. We talked about it but things just kept repeating themself in ways like that. Another example is how i was tired sometimes and i felt like staying home to get more rest for work the next day but i would go to her house to visit and try to make time for her even when i was tired anyway and she wanted to stay up quite a bit too late for the early hour of 3:30 am that i had to get up for work that was 2 hours away from both of our homes. She lives a half hour from me. But she understood alot but it was just little things here and there where id feel disrespected by little inconsiderate things she did or she wouldnt feel loved because we werent together enough or i would draw away when she would seem to want too much. And that crazy cycle kept happening where i felt disrespected and would pull away to have a lil space and she would feel unloved and it would keep repeating.
She wanted to get married after about 6 months. And i told her we need to make wise decisions and marriage is something we should not rush. She said she wanted a real commitment and kept pressing that a lil too much and it made me shut down whenever she talked about it. I feel if she just took her time or put herself in my shoes alot we could've avoided a bunch of problems. But i had alot of patience with her because i knew her past and i hoped to be able to give her the love she needed and i wanted to love her too because she was crazy about me and that made me feel good to have somebody totally in love with me. I just feel bad of how we faded and then how the last few weeks of our relationship ended. ( i described it in the opening paragraph of this topic. ) It just hurt us both real bad. I can understand people make bad decisions when they are hurt but it cuts me deep to know how much she loved me and then she went to another man that fast. My mind doesnt know how to process that. I want to be mad but i want to forgive her and give her a 2nd chance also. I feel if i take the easy way out and not let her come back then i am not being forgiving-because we all make mistakes and this has never happened to us before. I feel i understand her and can forgive her more than i would another girl because she had a hurtful,abusive past. But i dont want to excuse her and tell her what she did was not wrong either. I dont want to give up on her because i could forgive her and help her see the light. Then she may be motivated out of unconditional love to turn her life around and make better choices from now on. I just dont wanna give up and throw our love away if there is any chance we could have something special if we make it through this. I dont know what to do still. My mind has different options and views.

 

[paisley]

Countryboy, yes there is a much bigger maturity difference between 29 and 19 vs. 49 and 40. A lot of growing up is done in this time frame so I am sure some of the issues are based on her still being quite young. I`ve always heard the maturity difference between a boy and girl is generally 2 years but as we get older the gap closes. So age is probably one factor in the problems you are having, but I don`t think that is the major factor, and I don`t think age is a factor that can not be overcome. It sounds to me like some of the other factors are much more serious.
Did you know that about 50% of children of divorce will divorce themselves when they marry even though they swear they will never divorce or put their children through divorce? The reason this happens is they have one model for relationships and that is a broken model and they have one model for handling problems and that is when the going gets tough, leave. I am not saying your ex-girlfriend would 100% leave marriage but I am saying statistically it has been proven that it will be harder for her to stick it out than someone who grew up in a strong, stable family so I think you were very wise in not marrying especially considering she is still very young therefore immature compared to someone 10 years older than herself.
Nevertheless, despite her age, I really encourage you to consider her family history more closely. Does she respect her father? I imagine her mother had no respect for ex. A very good hint the way a girl will treat her future husband is how she treats her own father and how her mother treats her husband. If you are not feeling respected now in the warm, glowing time of love, it is highly likely you will not feel any respect later in marriage. Please be careful now that you have a time to make choices.

 

[paisley]

I will tell another red flag with girls who grew up in difficult homes. Often these girls are hungry for love and are looking for the first chance to get out of the home so they often marry or have a baby ASAP, but that is not good for the girl because these girls often don`t fully understand love and the committment and work that comes with love. They just want out of a bad situation. What they really need is a time for healing. Marriage is not the fairy tale and escape they often dream of it to be. Marriage is truly a lot of hard work to make a successful marriage & if a young girl has come out of hardship and just needs time to heal, marriage can be stressful and overwhelming for her especially if children come along or financial difficulties. Marriage is a great blessing but I think it should be entered into when a person is healthy emotionally speaking. Perhaps what your ex-girlfriend really needs is time to mature and heal rather than being in a relationship. Maybe it would be good if she pursued her education and actively sought God?
I also encourage you to be careful about being the hero. Lots of men want to rescue a hurting girl which is very good and noble, but the truth is a man can only rescue a girl physically like from a burning building. Emotionally he can not especially if there are deep childhood wounds. This healing comes from within the girl and God alone. But hurting girls often expect the man to heal her wounds; so an unrealistic expectation is put on the man and when he can not fullfill it, she feels unloved and this can eventually lead to an affair or an unhappy marriage. What I`m trying to say is you really need to consider these things deeply because the girl you marry will be the mother of your children and your children need an emotionally whole mother and you need an emotionally whole wife to have a helpmate. So if you decide to stay with this girl, I think you need to give her space to heal and mature before seriously returning to the relationship.

 

[paisley]

One last comment (sorry for the length), 29 is a good age to start considering settling down and getting married, but 19 is young. I really question if she is mature enough to understand and appreciate a serious, life long relationship. I question if she really understands what love is. I`m just speaking for myself but when I fell in love my eyes and heart were only for the man I loved. Talking to an ex was unthinkable to me because my mind was always on "my Love" and after 16 years of marriage I still feel that way. I don`t want to talk to any ex-boyfriend, they mean nothing to me and would only cause hurt to my husband. Moreover, I don`t want a man in my home unless my husband is here. I have no desire to make close friendships with males unless they are mutual friendships that include my husband. Please be careful because your ex-girlfriend probably is not ready for a mature relationship.

 

[jasoncran]

:crazy some of those mistake i have made. men aren't God.

 

[countryboydonald]

Thank u everybody for the advice. And Paisley, you have really touched my heart with your wise words. I appreciate you making time to consider helping me. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Donald