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[__ Praise __] my mama

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Christ_empowered

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yup yup. we're at the beach. we're leaving tomorrow. im going over to her room for dinner in just a bit. I"m thankful.

anyway...there was -no- way she or my dad would ever forgive me, etc. just....no, no, no way. pity? OK. an ongoing sense of duty, obligation? yeah, fine. forgiveness? pshaw...no!

but, The Lord has made a way. "You must die to be Born Again." It certainly helps that He's added a lot of good things unto me that I either threw away, never had, or...were taken from me. I keep trying to remind myself; Jesus doesn't patch up the old You, who does a mighty work on transformation, from the inside.

So...yeah...mama's biopsy came back clean, she's retired, she's cutting back on her professional obligations, she and my dad get along, i get along well with my parents, and...God is good!

it was my mom who showed up at a bond hearing with a good lawyer, btw. i was basically headed to somewhere very unpleasant, and she shelled out for a good attorney, even though...whoa. i was wretched. so now...

I'm Born Again. I'm healthy. I'm smart enough for some of my goals. I may, in fact, have Schizophrenia (I'd love to believe that its "severe Bipolar I," but...ummm....probably not the case...). My mama is doing well, and I'm thankful. We'll soon be back home...and I'l be back to posting about the neighbors and small town pariah life, lol.

but...seriously....God is good! I praise Him for His work in my life and my parents' lives. Even if I never "Fully recover" from Schizophrenia, even if I never end up having much of what the world considers a "normal" life...He is good, nonetheless. Besides, my parents have gone from trying to figure out the best way to possibly get rid of me (trust me on this one) to actually...at times...seeming to enjoy having me around. God is good!

OK. I'm finished, for now. :)
 
ok. dinner went well. room service, so...over-priced, but -delicious-, nonetheless. here's the thing...

we're in rooms right next to each other. maybe came by 2x, with little goodies each time. I'm thankful for the whole thing--the support, her love, her taking me on the trip at all, etc.--but...am I somehow guilt-tripping her? my dad? im not trying to, of course. i need them, and they've been kind enough to protect and support me, despite...everything. I'm thankful. I'm not trying to guilt trip anybody, especially my parents.

what do y'al think? :)
 
me, yet again. the drive back home was uneventful (always a good thing). She is -so- much happier, now that she's been able to retire. I'm thankful.

Dad's doing well. They have this hi-tech home security thing....anyway, something triggered it today, and there was a brief "to-do" about it, nothing came of it (thank goodness).

My parents are kind to me, despite who I was and what I did. That's a miracle, all by itself. Me? I'm increasingly kind to them, too, and I appreciate them much, much more now than I ever did before.

It was -so- good to get away (yet again, lol), even for just a little while. Being around people who don't know me made me realize...I'm no longer the problem, here. People who don't know my shady backstory and all the rumors and such attached to me don't have a problem with me...I"m just another dude in the crowd. A lot of the conflict and such going on around me right now has more to do with angry unbelievers who don't want to see a small town pariah made whole than it does with anything I've done or am doing.

OK. Thanks, as always, for the prayers, support, encouragement, etc. :)
 
me....yes, yes; -again-. LOL.

there's peace in the house these days. I"m blessed beyond measure. mama made a quick trip to the grocery store and even got me the fixings for one of my favorite dishes....black bean fajita (or..something...its in a fluffy, fried tortilla, lol). I"m not trying to overload this place with the minute details of my life, but...

I'm not a burden, not now, thanks to Christ. I'm not a disappointment, an embarrassment, a burn out, etc. "Mental patient" ? Yeah...OK. Sure, fine. It is what it is, I guess. My parents are -not- trying to figure out ways to keep me at arm's length or get rid of me, etc. I mean, for a while there, after I'd first moved back in, I overheard mama talking about maybe seeing if they could put me in the state hospital. Ugh! And now?

Now, the...madness...affliction, lol...OK, now my Schizophrenia -is- an ongoing issue, but its not as terrible and dramatic as one might think. I'm not violent or anything, I'm smart now, I'm doing what I can to move forward, I'm -definitely- not on drugs, drinking, being ridiculous, etc., and...

that's The Lord's work in my life, and my parents' lives, too. Once was blind, now I see, that kind of thing. My parents clearly see some major changes in me, because if The Lord hadn't spared me, saved me, and willed to transform me...

I"d probably be in the state hospital, sippin' on Thorazine Kool-Aid and staring off into space for 12 hours a day. Ugh. --shudder-- On the one hand, its not something I like to think about (too, too) much, but on the other hand...

it helps put my (relatively minor) problems into proper perspective. I'm not a big fan of having to take psych drugs. Oh...boo hoo, lol. I take 20mgs Abilify and some lamictal. In prisons, in state hospitals...they drug people up way above and beyond standard doses, cuz guess what: people in prison, people in state hospitals...don't matter to most people. Its the way "society's rejects" are treated.

But...yeah...I'm slowly cooking up what I need for my delicious black bean fajita. I take psych drugs on a voluntary, outpatient basis. I even get disability, which is a -huge- blessing, because, guess what? NOBODY WANTS TO HIRE ME! Forgive the screaming caps, but...wow. People whine about "mental patients" living off tax payer money, etc., but...none of those people have ever given me a job, tried to help me get a job, etc. My "job," at this point, is to be a good son, good student, and "recover," to whatever extent God wills.

OK. Once again, I've rambled and vented, lol. Thank you for the prayers, Scripture, support, etc. Means a whole lot to me. :)
 
Aw, you seem so sweet and kind! If I may make an observation, I sense you carry a lot of guilt? It seems you are doing such a great job & are really hard on yourself & I pray that you forgive yourself :) HUG!
 
yeah...ugh...The Guilt.

I"m getting better about it, by God's grace. It certainly helps that He's moved so mightily in my life, that's for sure. Its easy to feel guilty, broken, etc. after all that stuff, but now...The Lord has willed to bless me, beyond measure, and that helps, tremendously.

It also helps that my parents and I are getting along so much better now. They're doing well financially and in terms of their marriage, health, etc. That's -huge-, trust me.

I think...I think I was surrounded by shame and condemnation for a while there, and I was also -very- sick, physically. I'm healthy and all now, but...wow. The Mental Health, Inc. people, in particular, went above and beyond to destroy me and control me. I guess that's what they do, to a lot of people. Anyway...

thanks. :)
 
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