S
sinnerwithafuture
Guest
I don’t why I feel compelled to post this here or post it at all. Perhaps it’s because I have no where else to unburden myself. During various periods of my life I’ve been religious and at others merely spiritual perhaps even agnostic. I suppose salvation is more of a procedure than a task because my journey has been a difficult one.
For the last ten years I have lived a double life. I have failed those around me in ways they likely do no even realize; this is probably the most painful realization of all. I have not been the father or husband God intended for me to be. I’ve been present and said most the right things; I’ve sometimes even done the right things. However it is sin that has really consumed me; it is sin that I have given the best of me to.
I have been downloading child pornography since nearly the moment the internet went mainstream, long before the term became newsworthy. I have viewed things that no person should ever see, unspeakable acts no person should ever commit. Not only have I been aroused by these things, but they have replaced the things in life that should really matter. I have routinely chosen pornography over simple things like playing catch with the children or even normal relations with my wife. I have preached the virtues of good choices to my children while risking their future and mine to scandal and embarrassment. This addiction has been so strong at times that I often wished I did not have a family or other obligations aside from the high of discovering new pornography. I have routinely stayed up days straight, taking breaks only for nature’s essentials consumed in pornography. I learned more about anonymous proxies and data encryption than any normal person needs to know.
I have pretty much done everything possible to stay away from church. I knew God, perhaps I should say I know God. However, I mentally made every excuse possible for not going, not praying, not reading my bible. I wanted to give these things up but at the same time wanted to keep them. I felt if I stayed out of Gods way, he would stay out of mine. Pornography nourished my every need; at least I thought it did. The people in Church were hypocritesâ€â€at least I had the decency to stay home. Why pray to God, he sees all, knows all, and couldn’t be bothered to hear the prayers of someone who has so profoundly turned away. I even attempted to justify my behavior spiritually, which has no intellectual or spiritual justification. I never prayed that I would not get caught, though I often attempted to bargain with God. At times paranoia would convince me that my number was finally up, however this force was never powerful enough to reshape my behavior.
Within the last year I attempted to pray this sin away. I literally begged God to remove it from my life. I reasoned that if anyone could lead me away from depravity it was God. I looked at many of the Christians around me and I literally became jealous of the peace they enjoyed in Christ; a peace that I enjoyed at one time. So I continued to pray; often the spirit compel me to destroy the collection of pornography that I had amassed, however I always reasoned I would have to wean myself away from it. I could come close but I could never get rid of it is a way that was irrevocable. I had amassed in excess of a terabyte, a collection that would make most pedophiles green with envy. I looked at information from busts published online a reasoned that those getting caught were reckless. I never heard about a case with anything approaching the amount of material I had collected. In fact, I often wonder what the headline would look like when I was finally caught.
Eventually prayer worked, I did not believe it could. Destroying what I had taken years to compile was they only way I could repossess the spirit I had so long ago handed to Satan. I did not believe that I could destroy it, until there I stood destroying it. I wanted to think it over, possibly wait. Where I had been week the spirit had made me strong, this could not wait. There was no bargain, the spirit had finally compelled me to do what I felt was impossible. Ridding me of these materials was akin to an out of body experience. As I turned big pieces into smaller pieces, I begged God for the strength to continue. I’m happy to say that it is all gone. I would ask all of you to pray for me. I know there will always be temptation, but in Christ I’m stronger now than I have ever been. I have other things that I’m struggling with, however none more profound than this was. I thank God that I will have the opportunity to right some of my wrongs. This could have and should have likely ended differently. I should be a sensational newspaper headline; I have a second chance at a life in Christ that could have never been possible living in sin.
For the last ten years I have lived a double life. I have failed those around me in ways they likely do no even realize; this is probably the most painful realization of all. I have not been the father or husband God intended for me to be. I’ve been present and said most the right things; I’ve sometimes even done the right things. However it is sin that has really consumed me; it is sin that I have given the best of me to.
I have been downloading child pornography since nearly the moment the internet went mainstream, long before the term became newsworthy. I have viewed things that no person should ever see, unspeakable acts no person should ever commit. Not only have I been aroused by these things, but they have replaced the things in life that should really matter. I have routinely chosen pornography over simple things like playing catch with the children or even normal relations with my wife. I have preached the virtues of good choices to my children while risking their future and mine to scandal and embarrassment. This addiction has been so strong at times that I often wished I did not have a family or other obligations aside from the high of discovering new pornography. I have routinely stayed up days straight, taking breaks only for nature’s essentials consumed in pornography. I learned more about anonymous proxies and data encryption than any normal person needs to know.
I have pretty much done everything possible to stay away from church. I knew God, perhaps I should say I know God. However, I mentally made every excuse possible for not going, not praying, not reading my bible. I wanted to give these things up but at the same time wanted to keep them. I felt if I stayed out of Gods way, he would stay out of mine. Pornography nourished my every need; at least I thought it did. The people in Church were hypocritesâ€â€at least I had the decency to stay home. Why pray to God, he sees all, knows all, and couldn’t be bothered to hear the prayers of someone who has so profoundly turned away. I even attempted to justify my behavior spiritually, which has no intellectual or spiritual justification. I never prayed that I would not get caught, though I often attempted to bargain with God. At times paranoia would convince me that my number was finally up, however this force was never powerful enough to reshape my behavior.
Within the last year I attempted to pray this sin away. I literally begged God to remove it from my life. I reasoned that if anyone could lead me away from depravity it was God. I looked at many of the Christians around me and I literally became jealous of the peace they enjoyed in Christ; a peace that I enjoyed at one time. So I continued to pray; often the spirit compel me to destroy the collection of pornography that I had amassed, however I always reasoned I would have to wean myself away from it. I could come close but I could never get rid of it is a way that was irrevocable. I had amassed in excess of a terabyte, a collection that would make most pedophiles green with envy. I looked at information from busts published online a reasoned that those getting caught were reckless. I never heard about a case with anything approaching the amount of material I had collected. In fact, I often wonder what the headline would look like when I was finally caught.
Eventually prayer worked, I did not believe it could. Destroying what I had taken years to compile was they only way I could repossess the spirit I had so long ago handed to Satan. I did not believe that I could destroy it, until there I stood destroying it. I wanted to think it over, possibly wait. Where I had been week the spirit had made me strong, this could not wait. There was no bargain, the spirit had finally compelled me to do what I felt was impossible. Ridding me of these materials was akin to an out of body experience. As I turned big pieces into smaller pieces, I begged God for the strength to continue. I’m happy to say that it is all gone. I would ask all of you to pray for me. I know there will always be temptation, but in Christ I’m stronger now than I have ever been. I have other things that I’m struggling with, however none more profound than this was. I thank God that I will have the opportunity to right some of my wrongs. This could have and should have likely ended differently. I should be a sensational newspaper headline; I have a second chance at a life in Christ that could have never been possible living in sin.
